Solving self-esteem issues

[Burnblaze]

Thanks for all the responses. Yes, I've started gym recently, and I do feel better. It took a while though before I could pluck up the courage to join - I would drive up to the gym parking area, but immediately reverse and leave as soon I as I saw the number of 'healthy-looking' folks inside, just an example of how self-conscious I have been. Thing is at times I tend to irritable around people, I think mostly to do with my insecurity. I am seeing a potential gf, yes it does good things for my ego, but I'm not sure that's necessarily a solution to my issues. I would rather I have a healthy self-esteem before getting into a relationship. Thanks @Jhercules, I'll have a look at the book. I guess nobody here have tried the mentioned coaching programmes? Thanks @nukefission, maybe counselling might not be a bad idea..

Always remember if you want others to value and respect you, it starts with you. Like yourself and those around you will like you.

 

[Arthur]

TheDreamer: Getting fit and doing physical work is a starting point, and a good thing to do anyway.

But of course there's more, as you doubtless know.

First thing to recognise is that your feeling is far more common than you realise. Many people, perhaps even most, who come across as confident and normal, also suffer many pangs of self-doubt, lack of confidence, and insecurity about personal and career matters. You probably come across as pretty confident and normal, though of course you feel quite different inside. The same is true for lots of us.

In the final analysis, there are three paths:
(1) Develop the behaviours that lead to social acceptance (ie conform to external expectations), and hope your own sense of self finds greater peace in the acceptance of others.
(2) Develop a ruggedized self that dismisses, ignores or is at least less-influenced by the opinions and evaluations of others.
(3) Recognise that your value and meaning as a person is not a function of your general social relations, but grounded in an immanance that transcends both yourself and your circumstances, and the opinions of others.

None of these paths is mutually exclusive, but each operates on a different plane. There is a hierarchy, and it is as important to get the hierarchy right as it is to follow the paths.

In setting out on the project, you also need to realise that 'fitting in' is as much a function of the society you are trying to fit into as it is of your own personal issues. Given the brashness and shallowness of so much social living today, an otherwise healthy person with normal sensibilities and sensitivity will and indeed should struggle to 'fit in' - not because you are a misfit but because society is a misfit, and much of our culture is toxic. In many ways, someone who struggles to 'fit in' is exhibiting signs of health and humanity!

What I would advise with all the earnestness I can muster, is that you need discover and cultivate a clear understanding that who or what you are is ultimately not defined by others, nor by what you do. Ultimately your value as a person lies not in how society regards you, or in externals, but in the fact that you are created out of love, with a meaning and purpose that transcends the particularities of your circumstance or even your own sense of self.

The more authentically human way forward is not to give up your sensitivity and care of others. In fact, it's unlikely that you can change this aspect of your nature; nor is it even desirable. Do not surrender to our coarse culture and let it harden you, or make you inert to others. Do not let your own shyness harden into insensitivity. Rather, you need to develop the 'harder' virtues of boldness and courage to balance the excellent qualities you already have. Life is a struggle for us all, and oftentimes painful. But the real test is not feeling less pain (that is already a loss of humanity), but rising to the challenge, growing in courage, persistence, perseverance, and engaging life's challenges. You have it in you! In fact, you have much more in you than you feel or realise: the very Ground of Being, the Lover who loves us first, which is why we exist in the first place. Reach out and in and up, and dispose yourself to being found.

Climb a high mountain. Get out there and achieve something that you can build on. There are so many things that you can do to get out and away from moping about feeling sorry for yourself. Set a target (eg I will learn hiking, get fit, and in 2014 I will hike across the Drakensberg) and work every day to achieve it. Before you can overcome the world you must overcome yourself. So must we all. That means learning the difference between taking yourself too seriously and taking others too seriously.

 

[Zewp]

Well, one thing that could help us in giving advice is knowing what stage of life you're in, early adulthood, university, working already, etc.

I had the mother of all self-esteem issues when I was in high school, and I'm talking really bad here. I would purposely avoid situations involving social interaction, things such as not going to school dances, avoiding going to parties hosted by classmates, etc. Even the clothes I wore was always as bland and dreary as possible because I didn't want to attract attention to myself.

And then I got to university and realised just how ridiculous and futile it all was. It just kinda faded away. I'm still a bit uncomfortable when I'm placed in a situation where I'm surrounded by strangers, but I guess that's kinda normal.

Key things to realise here is that truly, nobody gives a ****. You might think they do, but when you walk into that gym, nobody cares. When you walk into a bar, unless it's a really rough bar and there are people looking for trouble, nobody gives a ****. Those people laughing in the corner over there, why would they be laughing at you? Do you honestly think you, someone they don't even know, is important enough to be the topic of their conversation?

That's the most important thing with self-esteem issues. You think yourself too important, when in fact, you're not. You always think everyone's attention is on you, and the sooner you realise you're not important enough for everyone to focus their attention on you in every single situation ever, the better.

 

[TheDreamer]

I guess the coaching thing is probably overrated. @Graal, I'm a working person, you're right, some of it has to do with this underlying false feeling of importance such that I would think everyone pays attention to me. @Arthur, thanks, very inspiring - I have been trying to set targets lately, involving addressing my physical and emotional issues; hopefully I'm on the right track and can keep the momentum in pursuing my targets.

 

[Wikkels88]

Kill a homeless person. improves your self-esteem like you won't believe. hard to stop once you've started though, soon you'll be moving onto prostitutes and animals

I'm not quite sure why I'm still laughing, but this is the funniest post I read all week:wtf:

 

[ponder]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unkIVvjZc9Y

 

[zll]

You don't need coaching! Not from someone who charges you anyway - they're all sharks!

I kind of agree with vampire here. Any information that's worthwhile can be gotten for free, (edit: or from books). I had a series of events that started towards the end of last year that led me to having a mental breakdown earlier this year. I visited a shrink twice, but all I did was really just sit there and talk to the guy. Each time I spoke to the dude, a part of me felt that it was a waste of time, and that this guy wouldn't help me beyond prescribing me drugs which I felt was the cowards way out. I had done a fair amount of research on my own at this point and started doing the following:

1) Exercise

The last time I hit a major depression I managed to pull myself out of it just by exercising. I was already exercising a bit when I had the breakdown, but I got serious after it happened.

2) Removing certain people who were consciously or subconsciously trying to undermine you so they could feel better about themselves

Really, some people are dicks, and they just don't know it. They think they are being funny but really they are just emotional manipulators. I don't know what your social circle is like, but if you're suffering from depression/self esteem issues, you should take a good hard look at your social circle and see if there are any people who fall into this category. If there are, cut them out, or drastically reduce the time you spend with them.

3) Learn to enjoy your time alone with your thoughts

This may sound a bit weird, but I took a few months where I had limited contact with people in order to "reprogram" myself. I started by identifying a lot of negative thoughts and figuring out how to eliminate them, or at least manage them.

4) Find new friends

Tying into 2. Some people have a certain image/expectations of you, and that will never change. New friends don't have this. Find some.

5) Face your fears

This is probably the most important thing. You don't necessary need to jump in on the deep end. You can take baby steps to overcome your fears.

For example, I used to be kak scared of going out to clubs on my own. I literally used to walk to the door, almost crap myself, and then leave without setting foot inside. After a few weeks of doing this, I eventually went inside one, and then left 2 minutes later. Now I can go into most clubs on my own, order a drink and just chill there. I sometimes bump into people I know so I end up hang out with them. I'm still working on approaching strangers.

6) Stop giving a ****

The more time I've spent with people, the more I realise that EVERYONE, and I mean EVERYONE has problems. Most people are just really good at hiding it.

7) Get a job in retail (Ok, this isn't something I've done recently but it's still a good way to help you get over shyness. Although I found that once I started working a cubicle job that I kind of regressed in getting over my shyness)

This was possibly the best thing for me when I was younger. I was forced to deal with people, and I discovered that they weren't as scary as I thought they were.

Here's some other material that helped me sort out some of my ****:

The brain that changes itself

The power of now

The highly sensitive person

177 Mental Toughness Secrets of the World Class

Also check out Tyler/Owen's videos on Youtube:

[video=youtube;GGp25fn25Cs]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGp25fn25Cs&feature=plcp[/video]

 

[ponder]

zolly, some good advice there.

Exercise for starters releasing all kinds of endorphins and stuff that does make you feel good. keep it up and you end up in pretty good physical shape as well which is another plus.

Avoid negative people like the plague, they are like cancer.

 

[patrick]

Improve yourself. Gym, diet, get someone help you pick out clothing etc. Go to dance classes, speak to everyone even if it's awkward. Confidence increases with confidence, fake it till you make it.

 

[RiaX]

Find something you good at take it as far as possible and become as arrogant as you can

Some good advice here (other than surgery)

 

[Safferbeauty]

I dont think going to see a psychologist or whatever would help. I went a few times and I felt so much worse after each session

 

[Safferbeauty]

I wish u all the best

 

[DerpiesFreud]

I dont think going to see a psychologist or whatever would help. I went a few times and I felt so much worse after each session

but sometimes that is whats nessasary perhaps a counselor even
people say I look great and am quite attractive but I wonder whats wrong with them and what do they want from me
Gyming is good and all but I`ve also realised that its not enough.You need to actively do something mentally to improve your selfe esteem (If I knew what I wouldnt be here )
oh and +1 to get a gf : I totally felt like boss and badass when I had one. too bad she was crazy

 

[StuckInSouthAfrica]

I have been also been struggling with self-esteem issues. Sort of always felt that people look down at me. It's affected my ability to make long-term friends. It's easy to say 'ah, just don't worry what others think about you because no one actually cares', but trying to adopt that mindset is extremely difficult for me.

At work, I get anxious that I am not good enough and that I don't deserve to be there, like imposter syndrome. People can give me the best compliments but they always feel fake to me.

I exercise regularly, eat healthily, try to set goals and achieve them, but it hasn't helped me improve my self-esteem. The one thing I haven't tried was going to therapy, which I think I will finally do this year, because, in reference to that meme I saw, I don't think I have that many "it is what it is" left in me.

 

[Harmonic]

I have been also been struggling with self-esteem issues. Sort of always felt that people look down at me. It's affected my ability to make long-term friends. It's easy to say 'ah, just don't worry what others think about you because no one actually cares', but trying to adopt that mindset is extremely difficult for me.

At work, I get anxious that I am not good enough and that I don't deserve to be there, like imposter syndrome. People can give me the best compliments but they always feel fake to me.

I exercise regularly, eat healthily, try to set goals and achieve them, but it hasn't helped me improve my self-esteem. The one thing I haven't tried was going to therapy, which I think I will finally do this year, because, in reference to that meme I saw, I don't think I have that many "it is what it is" left in me.

If you've tried the usual setting (and achieving) goals, exercising etc definitely go and explore therapy and dont be shy to try a few therapists to find a good fit. As always, if you break your leg, you don't hesitate to go to a doctor. Same applies with your brain. Good for you for getting to this step and wish you all the best!

Edit: one thing you didn't mention is hobbies. You could also try learning new skills and mastering them?

Edit 2: with very little context it's difficult to say but did you experience anything specifically very traumatic in your childhood? I did and only after I spent time really thinking about it and accepting it did life start to really improve for me.

There's unfortunately nothing like a one size fits all approach with these things

 

[neoprema]

Were you also diagnosed by @Pak Fa Fui

 

[StuckInSouthAfrica]

If you've tried the usual setting (and achieving) goals, exercising etc definitely go and explore therapy and dont be shy to try a few therapists to find a good fit. As always, if you break your leg, you don't hesitate to go to a doctor. Same applies with your brain. Good for you for getting to this step and wish you all the best!

Edit: one thing you didn't mention is hobbies. You could also try learning new skills and mastering them?

Edit 2: with very little context it's difficult to say but did you experience anything specifically very traumatic in your childhood? I did and only after I spent time really thinking about it and accepting it did life start to really improve for me.

There's unfortunately nothing like a one size fits all approach with these things

Thank you!

I do have a few hobbies, mostly gaming. Yes, I'm always trying to learn and improve my skills, specifically on the IT side.

I didn't have something very traumatic happen to me, just the 'usual' bullying in school, which I guess I need to confront as well.

 

[neoprema]

Thank you!

I do have a few hobbies, mostly gaming. Yes, I'm always trying to learn and improve my skills, specifically on the IT side.

I didn't have something very traumatic happen to me, just the 'usual' bullying in school, which I guess I need to confront as well.

Just a thought, a professional once told me that although Gaming is good, its something that can be a hobby, however what @Harmonic is referring to is more a hobby that stimulates you in the environment, i.e touch, smell, see (taste if applicable) etc. For example cooking, tinkering with electronics, doing puzzles, building something out of wood etc. The effect on the mind is better with those, than with Gaming.

 

[Harmonic]

Just a thought, a professional once told me that although Gaming is good, its something that can be a hobby, however what @Harmonic is referring to is more a hobby that stimulates you in the environment, i.e touch, smell, see (taste if applicable) etc. For example cooking, tinkering with electronics, doing puzzles, building something out of wood etc. The effect on the mind is better with those, than with Gaming.

Absolutely. Cooking, hiking, cycling, surfing, wood working, growing vegetables, anything you find pleasurable really

Edit: gaming as an example, and same with Netflix etc, can become more an escape than personal enjoyment/self development as an example. Try to avoid the escapes and push yourself out of your comfort zone.

 

[saor]

I have been also been struggling with self-esteem issues. Sort of always felt that people look down at me. It's affected my ability to make long-term friends. It's easy to say 'ah, just don't worry what others think about you because no one actually cares', but trying to adopt that mindset is extremely difficult for me.

At work, I get anxious that I am not good enough and that I don't deserve to be there, like imposter syndrome. People can give me the best compliments but they always feel fake to me.

I exercise regularly, eat healthily, try to set goals and achieve them, but it hasn't helped me improve my self-esteem. The one thing I haven't tried was going to therapy, which I think I will finally do this year, because, in reference to that meme I saw, I don't think I have that many "it is what it is" left in me.

This guys books are basic in a way but sometimes we've arrived at adulthood having forgotten the basics.
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=aziz+gazipura&crid=1FDEZ2BAQ1FJA&sprefix=aziz+ga,aps,313&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_7

And this is one of my favourite books:
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Real-Truth-Skills-Authentic/dp/0915811928/ref=sr_1_3?crid=36DN8WEF9MV6L&keywords=susan+campbell&qid=1674372292&sprefix=susan+camp,aps,295&sr=8-3

Self-esteem issues don't usually occur in the abstract. I was teased at school because of some aspect of my appearance. As an adult I can look in the mirror and see that I look fine, but those defence mechanisms I constructed as a child still persist. Part of what I found useful was reminding myself (or I guess those defence mechanism parts of myself) that a tiger sitting on a branch looking at the world is presumably not getting tripped up on its appearance - the wonky stripe on its leg or chipped tooth; its physical body is the apparatus through which it experiences the world and is as natural a part of nature as the peacocks tail or the wiggly bit under a chickens beak. To get tripped up on these things would be to pick a part of nature and find it lacking according some arbitrary metric. The tiger is free of such concerns, and so too should I.

When I'm ok with myself it's a lot easier to be comfortable with other people.