very controlling parents...

[kate9]

Ive been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years now, we have a very strong relationship and often talk about getting married. I still live at home with my parents, and my boyfriend just recently moved out because his home life was a little crazy, very aggressive and abusive, knuckle head for a brother, and an unstable father etc.

When we first started going out, he turned to my family for support, and advice etc.
They in turn, treated him as though he was part of the family. & with all the good stuff, comes the bad. My parents are very controlling, and have this kind of holier than thou attitude which I myself find very irritating.

So I can only imagine what this must be like for my boyfriend. My parents always have the final say, in other words, for example if you ask them about insurance or whatever, their insurance broker and their insurance company is the best and you are wasting your time with anyone else and its like that with everything.

When I was a bit younger, I kept a journal, and just took pictures of random things, and just wrote about random stuff that happened every now and then. My mom would of course read his journal, and then she would lecture me about stuff ive written in it.

That caused a huge rift between my mom and I, and my boyfriend also found this concerning as he felt that we had no privacy, for example my mom would often be creeping around the corner listening in on our phone conversations.

(Im sure you are probably thinking this guy must run as fast as he can..)

Anyway, so while my mom and I were having words one day in the kitchen, my boyfriend stepped in and told my mom that he thinks its unacceptable that I don’t have any privacy, and he’s concerned that private and personal things between him and myself just become public knowledge to my family.
She then felt very threatened and got my dad involved. The next time my boyfriend came by, my dad called him into the garage for a talking to. My boyfriend is very confident guy, and has a very high self esteem etc, and this was very hard for him. However he went along with it knowing that he had to for the sake of our relationship.

Stuff like that has happened, aswell as my boyfriend smokes, and my parents like to drop hints, like if we watching tv, and theres something of about smoking, they’ll go joh smoking is bad news. And he smokes? Its just annoying. They look down on him because he smokes.

Anyway, basically my boyfriend cant really stand to spend time with my parents, like once a week is ok, but then of course my mom asks why isn’t he coming around etc, and it gets a bit difficult.
I know what my parents are like, and so I understand where he is coming from, but at the same time, they are my parents and its difficult.

My dad comes across as being arrogant, like if u say something he doesn’t like he’ll point his finger at you and wave it up and down and say now you listen to me etc.

My mom also thinks I am a virgin, even though I often sleep over at my boyfriend place and we have been dating for 4 years (i dont think they approve of me sleeping at my boyfriends) and I just feel like they living in a dream world. She thinks she has this perfect little high and mighty family, and nobody can mess with us kind of attitude. I stay over at my boyfriends place and I can see now that soon they going to tell me they disapprove and then I might just freak out and burn the house down. I am 22 years old.. its not like im 16 and ive been dating my boyfriend for 3 weeks.

My parents also frown upon couples moving in together before they get married. I argue how can you marry someone you havent lived with? Would you rather wait til after you married, to realise its not going to work.

After a fight one day i said im gonna move out i cant take this anymore, and then my dad said thats fine, you can go, but you not taking "my car" with you, i was given a car for my birthday 2 years ago.. apparently its not mine though, just something that can be used when i need to be controlled.

Im scared that one day they going to challenge my boyfriend and he’s going to tell them where to get off,I’m surprised he hasn’t already.
My boyfriend doesn’t take sh*t, because he had a tough childhood, and has done very well for himself., and im worried its only a matter of time before all hell breaks loose.

Im not sure how to handle this, do I just let my boyfriend keep his distance, and just let him drift away from them slowly, or do I talk to my family about this? Can I expect my mom and dad to change their entire personality’s ? Is there any point. Will they even get what im saying?
Or should I just accept them for what they are, and remember that one day I’ll move out and then everything will be on my terms, and I can have as much distance from them as I want.
Its not just the issues my boyfriend has with my parents, its also my issues with them. They are so controlling, and have to know everything. I don’t know what to do..

 

[Bosvark@]

Parents can be a problem in a relationship and especially when they start to interfere in the way you mention. I would agree - and as a parent myself - that you do need privacy but wihin the boundries of your family beliefs.

At the end of the day your parents have been through all the "dating" thing themselves and often have a far broader vision of life than what younger people have. This may sound biased - but it still is true. They likely care for you and love you more than you can imagine at your age. In my life I never realised this until I was well into my twenties. Sometimes I think that trying to control a situation is a way to protect family - you have control over it and you can steer it in the way you feel. Dating years can be difficult and we can make many mistakes in this time - ones that can come back and damage our future. It actually is not a joking matter.

Your parents may be scared or worried that their daughter will get hurt so they try to "steer" you in the way they perceive to be the right. This of couse could also be the wrong way as parents are not always right.

I would think you need to take the "worry" out of it all. They probably are trying to control you and your BF because they are worried about you. Proove to them that you and the BF can be trusted and listern to what they say - consider their opinions. This will sometimes get you alot further than the common "teenage stubborness"

You dont want this sort of thing to follow you into your marriage one day - so you need to deal with it, but in a way that there is no agression toward your parents - but rather a trust / love relationship between you and them.

Anyway enough blabber - just my 5c worth...

 

[Praeses]

Any good psychiatrist would tell you to just move out of the house as soon as possible. Expect to get nothing from your parents, so your plan must include an income (your own, bf's or both). You can't change your parents - they've turned their whole lives into the beasts they are now - can't learn an old dog new tricks. Just steer clear of confrontations with your parents, even though it can feel like you're allowing their controllingness. Just think of the future where you can have your own life. Since you're over 21, they can't force you to do anything you don't want to - but try to avoid confrontations.

Your life will just have to start fully once you're not dependent on your parents any more whatsoever.

Communicate and plan this together with your bf. Look forward to the future. Just make sure you tell him whether or not you want to see your parents again in the future and stuff like that.

I'm in a semi similar situation, looking forward hopefully to next year or the year thereafter.

PS: it's not nice being threatened by a gf's psychopathic-narcissist dad.

 

[Bosvark@]

Any good psychiatrist would tell you to just move out of the house as soon as possible. Expect to get nothing from your parents, so your plan must include an income (your own, bf's or both). You can't change your parents - they've turned their whole lives into the beasts they are now - can't learn an old dog new tricks. Just steer clear of confrontations with your parents, even though it can feel like you're allowing their controllingness. Just think of the future where you can have your own life. Since you're over 21, they can't force you to do anything you don't want to - but try to avoid confrontations.

Your life will just have to start fully once you're not dependent on your parents any more whatsoever.

Communicate and plan this together with your bf. Look forward to the future. Just make sure you tell him whether or not you want to see your parents again in the future and stuff like that.

I'm in a semi similar situation, looking forward hopefully to next year or the year thereafter.

PS: it's not nice being threatened by a gf's psychopathic-narcissist dad.

eish this will be like a timebomb - not so sure about this theory.

 

[Praeses]

eish this will be like a timebomb - not so sure about this theory.

In the end it depends on lots of factors like whether one decides to disown parents etc. I guess how intolerable the situation is plays a big role.
You're going to have to live on your own one day anyway...tolerate the situation for as long as you can before you go job hunting etc.

 

[kate9]

In the end it depends on lots of factors like whether one decides to disown parents etc. I guess how intolerable the situation is plays a big role.
You're going to have to live on your own one day anyway...tolerate the situation for as long as you can before you go job hunting etc.

I dont want to disown my parents, I want them in my life. In a normal, and healthy way. Unfortunately, they think that by being controlling.. they are being normal and healthy.
They've been like this my whole entire life. By some miracle, I havent turned out to be serial killer or something... I just see it for what it is... I can see that its not normal, and their controlling and interfering behaviour is wrong.

 

[kate9]

Tell me about it. I get the feeling like my mom wants me to tell her if im having sex. WHAT THE HELL. I would die 10 1000 deaths. Its just another thing she wants control over.
They found out that my brother was having sex with his gf when he was younger because my mom dug around in his bedroom drawers and found condoms, and he got a stiff talking to by both my parents.. i mean.. I would actually be traumatized, is that a normal thing for parents to do?

 

[Lycanthrope]

Sorry, but eventually your parents need to come to terms with the fact that you are your own person.

Their inability to do this is not good parenting. In fact, it is the exact opposite.

My suggestion? Find independence.

 

[ToxicBunny]

Depends on the parenting style adopted by your parents really..

and it seems from their point of view that it is entirely normal, but at 22 you should have some semblance of privacy and control over your own life. The fact that you don't is definitely a worry, and in all honesty I'm surprised your boyfriend hasn't headed for the hills already.

 

[saixbot]

While I empathize with your situation you are left with few choices and as the proverbial saying goes you can’t have your cake and eat it too. From where I stand the only way out is:

a) Having a sit down with your folks and tell them like it is, straight up, no holds barred. You no longer a minor under their guardianship [unless they have a court order?] and of an age where you need to experience life outside the nest. You can be assertive and still show the utmost respect for them. If they cannot accept that then tough, they lose. Your 22 years old now, come on!!

b) Cut your losses like the car, free wash and dry cleaning, free DStv, and so on, they all material items and it comes with the territory you’re exploring anyways. Expect the worst and you may be surprised by how much you gain at the end of the day.

c) If your BF is keen then move in together but DO NOT move in with his folks otherwise the cycle simply continues like the wheels of a bus. Sure it’s tough starting out with nothing but you have to start somewhere anyways, right?

d) If really deep down the BF is not Mr Right then there is no need to move in with him per se, move in with a mate or rent a granny flat for yourself. Point is you need to fly the coup and spread your wings. Make it happen, you will go through life feeling allot better for standing your ground and most importantly you will have no regrets, feeling much the better for it.

e) Stay at home secure in the nest and wait another 10 years or so, they should relent by then but if not come back and let us know.

Good luck!

 

[wrathex]

Your future is not with your parents, you are a chickling that should leave the nest. I think your parents are out of line, they do not have the right to invade your privacy, it shows a lack of respect for you, but as long as you remain in your parents home, you will have to endure their controlling arrogant attitude, it is their home.

The time has come for you to leave the nest, from here onwards you'll be having more and more disagreements with your parents, the situation is definately going to get worse, I can see from your post that you see the situation clearly for what it is, and this also indicates to me that you will not be able to tolerate their control over you for much longer.

I have a daughter 23 years old, she's been having sex for several years, the only absolute rule I have in my home regarding my kids, are: no children before the age of 30, I have never read my daughter's cellphone, e-mails or diaries, neither that of my son 17 yrs old.

Your parents are extremely selfish, they are treating you like a 16 year old and as long as you remain in their home, you will have to suffer the consequences, they are living in a bubble and want to keep you in it, it is a trap.

I feel for you and I strongly advise you to start making plans to leave home, the fact that you've been blackmailed with the car is absolutely horrible, I can hardly believe it.

 

[shogun]

Have to agree with saixbot [Edit: and wrathex]. Independence is they key. Once you remove their ability to control you, you an have the relationship on equal terms, and not just theirs. It's not easy, but you can't expect them to change while the status quo remains. Once u are out of the house, the whole world opens up, and your relationship with your folks will change.... almost certainly for the better. At 22, you are an adult... but only if you can stand on your own two feet.

A note on saixbot's option c... don't move in with your bf if it's only to move out of ur folks place... never choose one option to get away from another. Only choose that if you both want to (don't convince him either... he must be keen... trust me on this one, it might come back to bite you a year down the line).

Good luck... sounds ur going through the same thing thousands of peeps go through every year.

 

[kate9]

I want to move out, and in a few months time I might have the money to move out, however, im sure my parents will dissaprove of me moving out at such a young age.
My best bet, would be to try to make it a transition like start talking about it and then eventually move out so that its not such a shock, i'd also have to move in somewhere by myself, I dont want to move in with my boyfriend because I have to, I want to move in with him because that is the next step for us, which right now, i dont feel like it is. Not that its not ever gonna be, but not now.
It's just trhe period before I am able to move out that is worrying.

 

[Celine]

dang i didn't realise there were people here who had children in their 20's. thought i was the only one lol.

 

[J0n0]

One word, independence. I moved out when I was 17 because I had some issues with the parents as well. They weren't happy with me for a few months but now they keep asking me to visit etc. etc. They haven't changed about their ways though so it shows, people don't change. (i'm 26 now)

I think you have become accustomed or used to the "protection" they give and feel scared to do your own thing. Who's name is the car under? You're 22 for so I think it darn well should be in your name. If your dad want's to be hard*ss, give him hard*ss. They are normally the first to cry. If you don't take a stand now, when will you? Or will you forever let them control you and your life the way they are doing now?

dang i didn't realise there were people here who had children in their 20's. thought i was the only one lol.

There are 16 year old's that have kids even....

 

[Praeses]

I want to move out, and in a few months time I might have the money to move out, however, im sure my parents will dissaprove of me moving out at such a young age.
My best bet, would be to try to make it a transition like start talking about it and then eventually move out so that its not such a shock, i'd also have to move in somewhere by myself, I dont want to move in with my boyfriend because I have to, I want to move in with him because that is the next step for us, which right now, i dont feel like it is. Not that its not ever gonna be, but not now.
It's just trhe period before I am able to move out that is worrying.

How old was your mum when she had children/moved out?
If they are reasonable enough, I guess smoothing them into the moving out idea would help

 

[kate9]

How old was your mum when she had children/moved out?
If they are reasonable enough, I guess smoothing them into the moving out idea would help

My mom was born into a type of religious.. cult is a bit harsh, but maybe it was. They were'nt allowed to socialise with other people who werent like them, and they had to go to church everyday type of thing, my mom is a christian but shes not like an extreme one. Anyway, so of course she met my dad, and was ex-communicated, the night before her wedding, she was like 22, she ran away from home, and they got married the next day none of her family were present. So i think thats also where a lot of the issues comes from, but my dad is just as bad, and he had a normal upbringing, plus my mom lived like a normal person most of her life, she just had to sneak around behind the cults back, but anyway i think that the whole control thing probably stems from her upbringing in this cult.

 

[Kilgore_Trout_Redux]

When issues like this start rearing their heads it is time to move away from home. Also, just watch out for your boyfriend with his history and some of the things you've said it looks like he could possibly turn abusive.

 

[spiderz]

Go Goth, play heavy metal music. Paint everything black.
(ermm, on second thought, they might bring a priest around for a exorcism...might still be fun to watch thou...)

You need to get yourself independent. Are you done studying? Can you get yourself a good job?

 

[saixbot]

kate9 its sad to say but it would appear you've been sucked in to a cult by default, because you living it right now are'nt you? The only way out is to move out. Your parents sound like hypocrites anyway because it was "ok" for them to "sin" but you are not allowed to move out without fear of being disowned. This is the time they should be supporting you and allowing you to fly the nest and start your own. Ignorant behavior on their part because the longer you leave it the worse the outcome. Carpe diem!