What now?

J

Jewelbox

Expert Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2008
Messages
2,160
Reaction score
0
Location
Gauteng
One of my friends is a single mother of a lovely 5yr old little girl and is also in a relationship with a 25yr old guy.
I lately noticed that this child's behaviour has changed completely. She always used to be a very friendly, loving child and liked chatting and playing with her dolls. Now, she is withdrawn and has nothing to say. According to my friend, she also has nightmares and wet her bed on 2 occasions.

I suspect that my friend's boyfriend MAY have something to do with all this. (she ignores him and won't have anything to do with him) She won't even sit on his lap anymore......

My friend is now mad at me! I am not so much worried about our friendship, but I am very, very concerned about the child.

What am I to do?
 
DDV TECH said:
Have her evaluated by a professional and follow his/her recommendations…
Click to expand...
How is she going to have another woman's child evaluated?

@ Jewelbox - if you suspect something is amiss you should contact the authorities. The child is more important than your friendship but be prepared to be (hopefully) wrong.
 
Don't automatically jump to worst case scenario .... a friend of mine had a similar experience and it was only because he was strict (compared to what the kid was used to) that the kid had a change in attitude. Another friend jumped the gun and suggested abuse and everything went to hell. Take DDV's advice and take the kid to a professional to rule everything out.
 
Mephisto_Helix said:
Don't automatically jump to worst case scenario .... a friend of mine had a similar experience and it was only because he was strict (compared to what the kid was used to) that the kid had a change in attitude. Another friend jumped the gun and suggested abuse and everything went to hell. Take DDV's advice and take the kid to a professional to rule everything out.
Click to expand...
Again - how do you "take" another person's child anywhere?
 
bwana said:
How is she going to have another woman's child evaluated?

@ Jewelbox - if you suspect something is amiss you should contact the authorities. The child is more important than your friendship but be prepared to be (hopefully) wrong.
Click to expand...

My point being that the mother consents, surely if it is in the best interest of the child she will? Otherwise report it (difficult if the only proof you have is a gut feeling) then she can be evaluated without the mothers consent ( I am not suggesting this as the best option).
 
I am sick with worry, there must be something going on.......

My friend ADORES her boyfriend!
 
DDV TECH said:
My point being that the mother consents, surely if it is in the best interest of the child she will? Otherwise report it (difficult if the only proof you have is a gut feeling) then she can be evaluated without the mothers consent ( I am not suggesting this as the best option).
Click to expand...
Is she likely to consent? It sound like they've already discussed things to a certain degree
Jewelbox said:
My friend is now mad at me! I am not so much worried about our friendship, but I am very, very concerned about the child.
Click to expand...
 
bwana said:
Is she likely to consent? It sound like they've already discussed things to a certain degree
Click to expand...

It is a difficult one, if you report it and you are wrong, then there might be serious repercussions. If you report it and you are right, you may save the life of a child.......Talk to the mother again, tell her you will report it, and that doing a voluntary evaluation will be the best way to handle it, either way your friendship is lost....even if you are proven right.
 
Jewelbox said:
I am sick with worry, there must be something going on.......

My friend ADORES her boyfriend!
Click to expand...
Perhaps the child is picking up on this and now sees the guy as a threat. Is the father still in the picture?
 
Spend as much time there as you can... get as close to the child as possible. Win the Child's trust. Offer to babysit the child for evenings (giving her and her boyfriend chance to go out). Worm your way in there and things will start to show. The truth will come out. Be a "little" friend to the girl. Hopefully she will confide in you.
 
I think that a frank conversation with your friend is the best bet and thereafter take the necessary steps if you still have concerns. If she is a good friend, she will listen to you. But if she has plausible reasons for not worrying, then you should be prepared to accept these too. Just make sure she knows that the only reason you want to discuss this is because you ARE her friend.

I too come from a broken home and reverted to my somewhat reclusive side when my mother began seeing other guys - was traumatic for me to deal with as a youngster. I ignored her boyfriends outright and wouldn't even greet them, let alone sit on their lap. You have every right to be concerned, but it may be for very different reasons, and maybe this is the angle you should take with your friend. She might be adamant that there is nothing of a sexual nature going on and will get very defensive, however she will not be able to deny the personality change - that should be dealt with at a professional level and the mother must be involved in that process. Professionals will be able to pick up the signs of sexual abuse better than anyone, and they do in fact have the authority to do something about it AFAIK.

Where is the kid's father? If he is still around, then maybe you can leverage his relationship with the kid to find out what is going on, if they are willing to tell you...
 
I do not know where the child's father is; he pays no child support is all I know.
The child goes to a daycare; not sure where, but will find out. Will then have a talk to the person who takes care of her and maybe get her to also talk to my friend about the child's strange behaviour. What do you think about this idea?
 
Jewelbox said:
I do not know where the child's father is; he pays no child support is all I know.
The child goes to a daycare; not sure where, but will find out. Will then have a talk to the person who takes care of her and maybe get her to also talk to my friend about the child's strange behaviour. What do you think about this idea?
Click to expand...

I don't know your friend so I think you are the best person to make the judgement as to who she would actually listen to. It might just seem from her perspective that she is being ganged up on and you are the ring-leader. Whilst the friendship is the least of your concerns, the respect that she has for you is important when she determines how much action she takes based on what she is told.

I don't think you should play PI and go behind her back about it. I think you should suggest to her that she speak with the teacher herself, instead of the other way round. If you think she will listen to you if you both agree to have a serious talk, adult to adult, without getting upset with each other at all, then go that route, but keep her calm and go somewhere neutral and private when you speak to her. Go somewhere she feels comfortable, but somewhere that you can both talk without fear of someone over-hearing either of you.

I just think that considering that she is the only one that can probably do anything about this, and you appear to be the only one concerned about the issue, that you need to talk to her directly. You can always go down the child welfare route, but that will most certainly be the end of your friendship, and it won't be pleasant for neither mom nor child...
 
Jewelbox said:
One of my friends is a single mother of a lovely 5yr old little girl and is also in a relationship with a 25yr old guy.
I lately noticed that this child's behaviour has changed completely. She always used to be a very friendly, loving child and liked chatting and playing with her dolls. Now, she is withdrawn and has nothing to say. According to my friend, she also has nightmares and wet her bed on 2 occasions.

I suspect that my friend's boyfriend MAY have something to do with all this. (she ignores him and won't have anything to do with him) She won't even sit on his lap anymore......

My friend is now mad at me! I am not so much worried about our friendship, but I am very, very concerned about the child.

What am I to do?
Click to expand...

You have my sympathies. Awful position to be in. It's probably just the child resenting the boyfriend. I think your only option is too to have a serious chat with your friend. Just make sure you're fully prepared for it. How you conduct yourself is key IMO
 
Contact a private or church child abuse center or orphanage and ask for advice. Afaik the police units don't exist anymore. Most private hospitals still have social workers. They could advise but be careful with accusations if unsure..and my advice is dont aggresively confront anyone or threaten...remember.. there are plenty of trigger happy psycho's about so don't do anything rash or on a wim. Get real proper advice. Here you get laymans opions many times. Unless someone here is a cop or lawyer or social worker...
 
Last edited:
DJK said:
, and it won't be pleasant for neither mom nor child...
Click to expand...

Very true DJK and I really can't stress this point enough, this is not the best option, if there is any chance that you can convince the mother that the child should be looked at, you should take that route. BUT if you are absolutely sure that something is wrong, and you have known this child long enough to know for a fact that the mood change is as a result of abuse and not just a child "acting out", then you must consider reporting this matter. This is a very difficult situation and you have my sincerest sympathy.
 
Look kids do go through phases but if you are really worried speak to your friend and get more information maybe offer to have the little girl for an afternoon take her out to the zoo or something and see if she opens up to you.
 
DDV TECH said:
BUT if you are absolutely sure that something is wrong, and you have known this child long enough to know for a fact that the mood change is as a result of abuse and not just a child "acting out", then you must consider reporting this matter.
Click to expand...

No-one can know this 'for sure', except a professional person after having had consultation sessions with the child. Even then, I think it is an educated opinion only, unless there is medical evidence to back it up.

In any event, I do agree that the wellbeing of a child is more important than a friendship and surely the mother should heed a warning.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top
Sign up to the MyBroadband newsletter
X