Why is being single perceived as a bad thing?

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SaoirseB

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From a very young age, I was adamant that I never wanted to get married. This was a very odd sentiment for someone like me since I'm African and you're expected to get married at some point. Even more so since I'm Ghanaian. As a Ghanaian woman you're expected to be married by a certain age and if you're not your parents find you a husband even from as far afield as Ghana. Thankfully my parents were open minded enough not to force anything on me.

It's not as if I have never entertained the thought of being married. I have, but whenever my relationships start getting too serious, what-if scenarios start playing in my head and I panic and run or sub-consciously sabotage the relationship. I've also always been the type of person who is content with my own company and feel stifled when I have people in my space for too long. In fact I get to a point where I start resenting the other person's monopolization of my time. I end up feeling drained like the other person is sucking away all my energy. Thinking back my happiest times have been when I was single.

I've known a number of people who have seemed to be afraid of being alone though. From the people I grew up with who started getting married, because they saw others getting married; it was like dominoes; to friends I met later in Technikon and at the start of my career. Most of them are either unhappy or divorced and onto their second or third marriages with children.

Some of the couples I've known used to humiliate each other in public and I would get so embarrassed I would have to pretend not to see or make an excuse and walk away. Others cheated on each other. Some emotionally and physically abused each other. But even after the worst was over some were still not soured on new relationships as if afraid of being alone. They don't even give themselves time to heal or recover before jumping headlong into the next relationship. It also seems to me, people are willing to compromise a lot in a relationship just so they're not alone. Why is that? Why would you choose to be with someone who humiliates or abuses you on a daily basis just so you wouldn't be alone? Some go into these relationships already with problems, but somehow think the problems will disappear once they get married. 9 times out of 10 people are unhappy, but they stay. Why? What am I missing?

Is being single such a terrible thing?
 
Welcome to life.
Things happens. People do this or that based on advice from others, hence divorces and break ups and whatnot.
This should not deter you from doing whatever you want to do in life.

You mention that you start sabotaging your relationships when it becomes too serious. Maybe you should see a Psychologist or go on an advanced soft skills course to deal with other people (to give you coping mechanisms). The best training that I have ever received, regardless of my other qualifications.
 
There's no rule that says you have to get married. My aunt only married this year, and she's nearly 50, and she wasn't looking for it, her career was everything. She would've been content dying one day without having married. In some ways, I admire the independence people like you can have.
 
First of all - says who?
Don't give a toss about what other people think or say - only your own personal happiness is what matters.

My parents divorced when I was 7 and like you I vowed never to get married.
Then at age 20 I met a young lady who very quickly became my best friend.
We got married, had two beautiful kids and spent 20 wonderful years together.
There were some arguments but we never said anything nasty or end up not speaking to each other.
While I realize we were extremely lucky, it should be the norm to have healthy happy relationships; not the exception.

Any relationship build on respect, trust and honesty should be conflict free.
 
@OP , nothing wrong whatsoever with being single or having no interest in marriage, family and children.
I feel exactly the same way. Never had an interest , nor understood the need for it either.
Did the same thing as you with a few relationships when I saw they were heading down that road, or if I felt the woman in question was trying to find a meal ticket or father for their future dream kids.

Been cohabiting with a lady for a number of years now, no talk of anything related to marriage or commitment, just together because we want to be. We both have our own live, careers, incomes (neither of us knows really what the other even earns) , share expenses and some friends, and still retain friends from before we met.

If she was no longer around , I would choose to be alone, as i am comfortable with my own company.

If you are happiest being single, and prefer your own company to that of others, then do so, but what ever you do, do not think that you are any lesser for it.
IMO one is actually stronger for it.
 
Because it means you have failed at life, getting a mate and procreation.
 
life is not a race, do what you want. That being said growing old alone is kark scary, at least when you are married you are staring into the abyss with someone

rietrot said:
Because it means you have failed at life, getting a mate and procreation.
Click to expand...

Comic sans is the font of sarcasm in this establishment.
 
SaoirseB said:
Why is that? Why would you choose to be with someone who humiliates or abuses you on a daily basis just so you wouldn't be alone? Some go into these relationships already with problems, but somehow think the problems will disappear once they get married. 9 times out of 10 people are unhappy, but they stay. Why? What am I missing?

Is being single such a terrible thing?
Click to expand...

Some people are afraid of being alone.

For others it may be out of necessity. You can't afford to live on your own so you get in to a relationship that makes it possible.

I know of one guy that bounces from relationship to relationship because he simply cannot be on his own and I know of two women that raced in to relationships in order to get a house/apartment.
 
Nothing wrong with being single or being married. What is wrong is being unhappy with whatever your choice is.
 
It's your life, you can do whatever you want with it.

Just because society pushes for the married life, 2.5 kids, white picked fence etc, doesn't mean you have to follow that. Live your life the way you want to and do what makes you happy.

You only have 1 life. Live it YOUR way.
 
It's ok up to a certain point when all your close friends have moved on, and you're alone.

I think if you can find like minded single people of any age it's great.
 
SaoirseB said:
Some of the couples I've known used to humiliate each other in public and I would get so embarrassed I would have to pretend not to see or make an excuse and walk away. Others cheated on each other. Some emotionally and physically abused each other. But even after the worst was over some were still not soured on new relationships as if afraid of being alone. They don't even give themselves time to heal or recover before jumping headlong into the next relationship. It also seems to me, people are willing to compromise a lot in a relationship just so they're not alone. Why is that? Why would you choose to be with someone who humiliates or abuses you on a daily basis just so you wouldn't be alone? Some go into these relationships already with problems, but somehow think the problems will disappear once they get married. 9 times out of 10 people are unhappy, but they stay. Why? What am I missing?

Is being single such a terrible thing?
Click to expand...

I had this discussion with my wife just yesterday, actually, we both were in our early 30s when we got married and that's uncommon for someone in a mostly conservative religious community so she especially (as she's a bit older than me) had felt that kind of pressure. She maintains that it's better to be single than to be in a bad marriage. However, several friends and relatives have recently gotten involved in fairly toxic relationships and we're not sure what to do to help them, or why they're even doing it. It's obvious to an outside observer but apparently not to the people involved.

It's a bit difficult for me to understand what goes on in peoples' heads when they put up with bad relationships like that. I've been lucky in that my own marriage has been wonderful, wouldn't trade it for the world. But I have noticed that it's a trend - perhaps it is a human thing that many (not all, but many) people are afraid of being alone?

Method said:
Just because society pushes for the married life, 2.5 kids, white picket fence etc...
Click to expand...

Yes this is true, you need to make yourself happy. BUT - "society" is so diverse these days it pushes for a lot of things. Some parts of it will push for marriages and 2.5 children, others cry that you're selfish for reproducing at all, just as one example. An individual could feel "society" pressuring them in many diverse ways.
 
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