A Question on Groups

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TheGuy

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Hi Guys

I did a search but couldn't find anything related.

I was a very shy person when growing up but have managed to get over most of it through hard work.

The only problem I'm stuck with is that I'm very shy when sitting in groups. Groups of 3 and more I tend to become very shy. Especially in enviroments where we would sit around a table like for instance a restaurant or sitting with a group of people around a fire while camping.

It's not that I don't try, every possible event where I would face this problem I would always make an effort to get to. Which is usually once a week.

One example I can give is every friday afternoon our company has staff drinks then we all sit around a table and talk crap. Then I'm very quiet and don't say much but everywhere else in the company I'm know as the loud one that always making jokes and messing around.

Can anyone please give me some advice on how I can try and resolve this?
 
I know enough alcohol can solve this but I can't always get drunk.
 
dont change for anyone mate, fck the world with a long dick :D <---- WHY is it not blocking that out!? :wtf: LOL :D
 
But it's really holding me back in life. it seems I can't be myself in certain situations.
 
TheGuy, you don't have to give in to peer pressure to be a talkative, the first thing you should do is stop worrying about this,
secondly when a topic or conversation you have something meaningful to add to, do so, otherwise sit back and enjoy the
conversation and companionship around you, take the opportunity to increase your listening skills, the ability to listen well
is lost to most people, observe the people talking, what they talk about, their body language, become an expert.

Take your time, there are others like you, I for instance have to make an effort to do 'smalltalk', it's not natural to me,
but through the years I've become an expert listener and observer and when I do talk, people listen and appreciate my input.

Not everyone is natural babbelbekke ;)
 
I don't speak much in a group I don't know very well, but as soon as I get comfortable with the people around me I start speaking more. Just ease into the situation and don't think to much about it. If you don't want to speak, don't - just listen and ask questions when you want to find out more. The person who ask the questions controlls the conversation.
 
wrathex said:
TheGuy, you don't have to give in to peer pressure to be a talkative, the first thing you should do is stop worrying about this,
secondly when a topic or conversation you have something meaningful to add to, do so, otherwise sit back and enjoy the
conversation and companionship around you, take the opportunity to increase your listening skills, the ability to listen well
is lost to most people, observe the people talking, what they talk about, their body language, become an expert.

Take your time, there are others like you, I for instance have to make an effort to do 'smalltalk', it's not natural to me,
but through the years I've become an expert listener and observer and when I do talk, people listen and appreciate my input.

Not everyone is natural babbelbekke ;)
Click to expand...


Exactly!

Why is it always seen as 'bad' when a person doesn't go off babbling about something in group situations. Most of the time people are whining anyway. When something interesting, rarely happens, pops up in a group conversation first probe with questions and then maybe add one or two of your own experiences regarding the topic.

There is nothing wrong sitting back and saying nothing if you don't feel like it or if the conversation is boring as hell.
 
just act normal... don't care much about what people think of you...
 
Errr...well obviously TheGuy feels it is a problem and he might want to change it.
So telling him it is ok to be shy is perhaps not the best advice?

If you want to change the way you are and you want to interact more in a group and be less shy.
Start reading. Read about different topics.
It will give you the opporunity to add to the conversation intelligently without coming across as babbling.

There is a saying that I live by and it helped me:
Fake it until you believe it.

If you want to change it, then you will have to force yourself to be more participating in a group.
There is one warning though.
Know when to shut up.

But all the best.
 
Don't solve it will alcohol, that is how i solved it but now i cannot meet new people without making sure i have something in me.

I am assuming you mean you are quite around new people? There is no real way to solve it i think. Trouble i find is i can think ok meeting new people i must make eye contact and not be shy, when i get in the position i get anxious nervous and cannot say anything :D. Yet when i am around my mates for poker i talk and make jokes and i am loud without alcohol but meeting new people scares the living shyte out of me :D. Nothing a double j&b and water does not solve though but as i said that is not the best way to go about it.

Being shy is generally about confidence, even though i am fairly confident around people i know it does not roll over when meeting new people.
 
Last edited:
Talking about the weather, world cup and UFO's

Kage said:
Errr...well obviously TheGuy feels it is a problem and he might want to change it.
So telling him it is ok to be shy is perhaps not the best advice?

If you want to change the way you are and you want to interact more in a group and be less shy.
Start reading. Read about different topics.
It will give you the opporunity to add to the conversation intelligently without coming across as babbling.

There is a saying that I live by and it helped me:
Fake it until you believe it.

If you want to change it, then you will have to force yourself to be more participating in a group.
There is one warning though.
Know when to shut up.

But all the best.
Click to expand...

Errr.. ;) You're right, but I'm not telling him it's not a problem for him, I've advised him to relax about his 'problem', by making an attitude adjustment, that he should take his time (be patient with himself) - until he feels comfortable to talk up.

He has already taken the first vital steps, he is talking up--> here, on this forum to us, we are a group, he has expressed himself very well and clearly, and we are engaging in conversation as a group now, your advise about reading about topics is also very good advise, similar to my advise to consciousely listen and observe - to become an expert eventually.

I have one more very practical tip: Friday afternoons having drinks:
Find a joke that is easy to tell, effective and hilarious (not a lame ass racist or sexist joke)

or start a conversation with:

- I recently watched .... have any of you seen it, what do you think ?
- I read an interesting article about ...
- Any of you ever seen a UFO ? (will always make people talk-up, deny, affirm, or laugh)
- Do any of you guys have tips on how to braai the perfect steak ? (people love giving tips/advise) keke

___________________________
I'm listening to Deadmau5's track called word problems - apt
 
wrathex said:
TheGuy, you don't have to give in to peer pressure to be a talkative, the first thing you should do is stop worrying about this,
secondly when a topic or conversation you have something meaningful to add to, do so, otherwise sit back and enjoy the
conversation and companionship around you, take the opportunity to increase your listening skills, the ability to listen well
is lost to most people, observe the people talking, what they talk about, their body language, become an expert.

Take your time, there are others like you, I for instance have to make an effort to do 'smalltalk', it's not natural to me,
but through the years I've become an expert listener and observer and when I do talk, people listen and appreciate my input.

Not everyone is natural babbelbekke ;)
Click to expand...

Some very wise words there!

Most of the times I'm a bit of a chatterbox or at least excitable about most things and always have something to say (whether it be releveant or not :p)
But then I'll be quiet in certain instances and either be drifting off or simply enjoying the conversation around me and then everyone looks at me like I need to see a shrink "Cos I'm never that quiet!"
Then it's an endless battle to get people off my case...

But I agree with wrathex and other respondents here.
There's no self-help course that's going to make you a conversationalist - be yourself and bring input to conversations which interest you.
Reading up or analyzing conventional norms which would "help you out" in conversation is simply going to irritate you - or it would be to me at least.

Just be yourself!

Or go with the tequila!

And wait - I gotta try this dick thing! :D
 
wrathex said:
TheGuy, you don't have to give in to peer pressure to be a talkative, the first thing you should do is stop worrying about this,
secondly when a topic or conversation you have something meaningful to add to, do so, otherwise sit back and enjoy the
conversation and companionship around you, take the opportunity to increase your listening skills, the ability to listen well
is lost to most people, observe the people talking, what they talk about, their body language, become an expert.

Take your time, there are others like you, I for instance have to make an effort to do 'smalltalk', it's not natural to me,
but through the years I've become an expert listener and observer and when I do talk, people listen and appreciate my input.

Not everyone is natural babbelbekke ;)
Click to expand...

+1

I honestly can't stand people that just talk the whole time. They talk but they say nothing, it's just garbage. I sometimes think they are insecure because they talk so much and they battle to handle a "comfortable silence" :D
 
Thanks for all the great response. The problem is that I have things to add and say, in small groups I usually have a lot to talk and can usually make jokes to make it more fun. Just when there is say more then 4 people then I get this strange feeling then I just sit their quietly. I also believe if you want to meet new people you have to be able to express your self otherwise people just think that your stuck up and not really interested.

Like Killadoob said it has to be a lack of Confidence that causes this to happen. So how do you go about gaining the confidence to be comfortable around new people you meet?
 
This is not something you can change i think. It is a personality trait which is very difficult to change. Changing your personality is not the easiest thing but i suppose it could be done. Mostly people like this have issues with what people think and sometimes they think people are judging them which adds to the problem.

Generally, when someone acts superior it's to hide their own low self-esteem. It's a defense mechanism ( yahoo). Can work the other way around as well. Although i am not sure this is the case but i know with me it is. Mostly it comes from having bad acne as a kid, never really recovered from that in terms of confidence, as i say though this may not apply to you at all.
 
killadoob said:
This is not something you can change i think. It is a personality trait which is very difficult to change. Changing your personality is not the easiest thing but i suppose it could be done. Mostly people like this have issues with what people think and sometimes they think people are judging them which adds to the problem.

Generally, when someone acts superior it's to hide their own low self-esteem. It's a defense mechanism ( yahoo). Can work the other way around as well. Although i am not sure this is the case but i know with me it is. Mostly it comes from having bad acne as a kid, never really recovered from that in terms of confidence, as i say though this may not apply to you at all.
Click to expand...

There has to be a way to change it because it affect everything in your life from job oppurtunities to things it enables you to do. Also communication is suppose to be the basis of what makes us human.

I've contacted Toastmasters and will give that a try even thou I kills me to do public speaking. Maybe that will help.
 
TheGuy said:
I've contacted Toastmasters and will give that a try even thou I kills me to do public speaking. Maybe that will help.
Click to expand...

Dunno about that. Public speaking or lecturing to a class is different and easy to do. You are the speaker & they are the listeners and don't have much choice in the matter. I actually really enjoyed a short lecturing stint a I did way back.
 
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