First let me start this off with a description of who I am,
My name is Robert, I live in what used to be Tucsan Arizona, and after this story is done you will know why I say used to be.
I am 34 years old and work as a contractor. I'm a bit of a health nerd who works out seven times a week and eats only the top of the line protein shakes and other nastiness that is my lifes blood.
Im single, and after this I doubt any lady will ever come near me again.
Anyways one day in my normal everyday life I decide to peruse the internet and to a lesser extent Amazon.
My teeth were unfortunate enough to have a sweet tooth and nothing in my kitchen was anywhere near sugar-free yet sweet to the core, so I decided that I may as well search for something that might satisfy me in times like this.
Then the miracle that is Haribo came upon my search window. The price for a 5 pound bag was nothing but a steal, so my finger decided to hover over the purchase button, and for a moment my finger just stood there a ominous sign for the things to come. And with over zealous enthusiasum i pressed the order button and thus my death was secure.
A week and a half later after much anticipation my bears arrived at the door.
I was suprised that when I opened the box that none of the bears had melted in the hot swealtering heat that is Arizona, a foreshadowing for just how indestructible this substance is.
I was overjoyed and after the week and a half of saving myself for these delicate gummi snacks I decide I may as well provide that day as my cheat day.
I sat on my couch with the bag in my lap and turned on House
Luckly for me I had the entire series on DVR and as it was a Saturday I had no obligations but to sit and eat my new snack.
Four hours later and 124 gummis later, Dr Cuddi had finally fired the damn son of a b*&ch.
My life was good at this moment,
I was chewing on a gummi bear, my sweat tooth was satisfied and I was in complete bliss.
As I continued to the next episode, my gut was extended to the point that I realized it was time to stop, unfortunately it was already to late the damage had been done to my digestive tract.
A moment later the first of many gastrointestinal shudders started, my stomach started off l at a low rumble, and proceeded to a loud roar of a jet engine taking off for the last time.
My bowels were about to explode at this point and I felt substance leaking out, needless to say I chose to attempt to make my way to the restroom across the hall, waddling like a penguin to the safety of my ivory bowl.
Unlucky me though, my restroom is over 15 feet across my house, and I was nowhere near able to hold myself for that long a treck.
It was at this moment against the excrusiating pain that I went back to that moment when my finger hovered over the button on that fateful night, and looked back at it in a third person veiw, wishing to be able to yelll to myself that the button should never be pressed, a sat in horror as I watched the button be press and I was instantaneously sent back to the hallway where my colon was excreting mass liters of substance, and I was in desprate need for a john.
Pulling myself up I forced my way to the throne that is my toilet and didn't even bother to close the door, and as my rear end met the cool plastic my rectum could no longer hold the flow of old faithful, (which now looking back was no where near the pressure that was exerted from my intestines). Hot molten fire was pushed through me and to the point where my toilet bowl was near passed its breaking point.
..........
It was at this moment good Saint Paul that I came to these Pearly Gates
The monument that is this angel turned to me and pinched his nose.
The smell of my restroom had found its way past the ground zero that is Tucsan and had risen to the clouds of heaven.
The face Saint Paul made was one of disgust and pure terror, an instant later I was kicked down from cloud nine and sent hurtling to my body down below.
..........
Thanks to Haribo I know am a godly man,
I have given up the life of a fitness freak and now live as a monk off in the Seirra Navada, away from any who may still smell the stench
I got a super fast metabolism.
