Corporal Punishment and your views

I think also - I was once told, there is no manual for bringing up kids - if there was, it would be easy.

Circumstances, personalities, our own choices - or as in this thread, our own opinions - all make up the ''kid manual'' as we go, and unfortunately, its not a one size fits all.
I know of guys whose parents were real bad people but grew up just fine and then again, you have kids in wholesome families that go off the rails - its that thing that makes us human.

As they say - when they are small, they are a handful - when they are big they are a heartful.

Good luck none the less.
 
scryed1984 said:
We've tried chores, she would either do them in a way so you have to redo it or idle around for hours. We've tried this for the whole of last year to also try and teach her responsibility.
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Then take away any nice stuff until the behaviour corrects. No TV, computer, sweets (anything that is not essential). Eventually it will. Its easier to hit, I understand. Problem appears solved quickly, but sometimes the easiest way is not the best, and the shortcuts we take have long term consequences. If my son does not do his chores correctly he has to keep redoing it until he does.
 
OP, let me say I'm not necessarily against corporal punishment, however if you left marks you went too far - as in WAY too far :(

Also,

1) taking her into her bedroom, i.e. what should be her space and her refuge to give her a hiding might not have been great
2) beating her in private might not have been great, the mom should have been there

Hope you get where I'm coming from - bedroom - male - beating!

having said that, she sounds like a little hell and if she carries on like this god knows where she'll end up.
 
ABCpt said:
It is easy for me as an outsider to say not to blame her. I can however understand your feeling and I also do not have an answer as to how to handle her. Just giving in to all demands will not help, so some kind of boundary needs to be set. You will however need to do this along with the authorities after her reporting you.
Can you not come to an agreement with welfare as to when meetings need to happen. Surely they need to understand that in order for you and your girlfriend to provide for the children, you need an income? Once the stress of loosing you work is gone, you might be more open to some resolution to the other problem.
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As mentioned the person from welfare has a personal grudge, so she's very much against us. She wants us to suffer the maximum penalty regardless of what happens afterwards. That being said, the head of the welfare is actually family so if we could get things to calm down then maybe we can start on trying to fix the problem instead of destroying lives.

The problem is if I would be able to move one from this. My boss actually told me when is enough, enough. How much more must I do. he has a good point, problem is i really do love them....
 
scryed1984 said:
As mentioned the person from welfare has a personal grudge, so she's very much against us. She wants us to suffer the maximum penalty regardless of what happens afterwards. That being said, the head of the welfare is actually family so if we could get things to calm down then maybe we can start on trying to fix the problem instead of destroying lives.

The problem is if I would be able to move one from this. My boss actually told me when is enough, enough. How much more must I do. he has a good point, problem is i really do love them....
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The part in bold says it all. While that is there, there is hope.
Good luck and I really hope you can get to a point where you can work on fixing it.
 
ghoti said:
Then take away any nice stuff until the behaviour corrects. No TV, computer, sweets (anything that is not essential). Eventually it will. Its easier to hit, I understand. Problem appears solved quickly, but sometimes the easiest way is not the best, and the shortcuts we take have long term consequences. If my son does not do his chores correctly he has to keep redoing it until he does.
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We've had her redoing a chore for more than a month din't work, we took away TV for 3 months after that, didn't bother her (and she loves her tv) and then promised her a cell phone (non internet one) if she just tried a bit from her side.

I've tried positive enforcement. What they love the most is to spend time with me alone (ie just the brother or just sister no sharing ;p). I even took them to pretoria Zoo last weekend because they've never been and really wanted to we were barely home when she started again.
 
scryed1984 said:
We've had her redoing a chore for more than a month din't work, we took away TV for 3 months after that, didn't bother her (and she loves her tv) and then promised her a cell phone (non internet one) if she just tried a bit from her side.

I've tried positive enforcement. What they love the most is to spend time with me alone (ie just the brother or just sister no sharing ;p). I even took them to pretoria Zoo last weekend because they've never been and really wanted to we were barely home when she started again.
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Then take the advice given earlier. See a specialist. Hidings will just make things worse.
 
Anyway, i'll check in again on the weekend. Tonight I''m taking my wife out since it's our anniversary. Keep it coming and I'll keep you up to date if you interested.
 
scryed1984 said:
Anyway, i'll check in again on the weekend. Tonight I''m taking my wife out since it's our anniversary. Keep it coming and I'll keep you up to date if you interested.
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Please do - this is quite an interesting thread - and for the record - I have to agree with ghoti - what he says makes sense to me.
 
Randhir said:
Mother****er threw a bed at a toddler?
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Just btw on that note, When i met the youngest he had such a fear of men that cried whenever he saw one. I was the first one he ever open up to and he trusts me more than makes sense. He completely over his fear and he's probably the most softhearted sweetest child you'll ever meet.

Everyone that meets him adores him. :p
 
Some of my family where shocked and predicted a delinquent if we didnt spank my son. Im pretty proud of him at family gatherings, he is normally one of the more well behaved of the cousins. I was speaking to an aunt of mine about this and she said, "spanking never hurt us". So I asked "how would we even know?". Meaning, if you are damaged, you often cant see you are and dont realize you are.

At the end of the day, Im not qualified to give advice on this really. I got lots of hidings at school and I cant say if they helped or hurt me. I do know in Std 3 I was pulled in front of my class almost every day (thats 5 days a week) and given a hiding with a bat until I burst into tears. We had a sadist of a teacher that believed breaking boys was the right way to build them. My parents eventually had to go to child protection services to get him to stop. Since I went to a good all boys school, crying while getting hidings in front of my peers broke my confidence and that still affects my public speaking today. But this case of abuse is not the reason I dont give hidings as my case I dont think was normal.

Do yourself a favour. Start on this journey like I did. Google, "spanking your child". See where that takes you.
 
OP, she sounds like an angry little girl. Is it not perhaps her emotional defenses? With all her life's experiences thus far - which seems to be extraordinarily terrible until you showed up - maybe she does not wish to be loved and cared for nor a desire to love and care. Maybe to her, she would be too vulnerable if she opened up and cared. I'm not saying she does this wittingly - it's a natural emotional defense. She may very well believe, and is scared, that what she now enjoys with you in her life could possibly be temporary and taken from her tomorrow - therefore, in her mind what was the actual point of loving in the first place only to potentially get hurt again.

Maybe she just needs reassurances and certainty rather than hidings, and in time she will grow to love and care. Her behavior from that would fall nicely into place.

Beating her into conformity while there are possible deep underlying psychological scars/issues is potentially making matters way worse. Just a thought...Good luck mate, you seem to be a good man.

EDIT: Eg, Think of women in relationship with abusive husbands. They sometimes find it very difficult, as adults, to love and trust another man fully. It's that type of emotional defense I allude to with your kid.
 
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Voicy said:
Seems my dad got off lightly from the authorities.

We used to have purple swollen bruises for days on our butts from getting hidings with planks.
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Jeez! All my siblings and I got was, you either kneel down there in the corner, or hold your ears and squat up and down to the ground twenty times (old school Indian punishment). I think we turned out well.

@OP, that child will definitely benefit from some counselling.
 
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Very definitely think the kid needs counselling (or more counselling), and with a psychologist who sees through her BS... they are few and far between, but they do exist.
 
This situation definitely needs the intervention of a proffessional, alot of love, patience and most certainly no physical or emotional violence. You and your "wife" also need to ask yourself if you want to put the needs of the children above your own relationship, this is what loving parents do. The whole family has been abused and its my feeling that there could be a unconcious play for your attention here either between daughter and mother or for her mother's attention. She is clearly very insecure and for good reason, she is demanding attention and seems determined to get it one way or another. This is going to be a long road so be sure you are ready to take this journey because your hurt feelings should be the least of your concerns. If you or your wife can't do that it is better to let her go.
 
Contact FAMSA, do it soon. This is such a sad story.....hurt people hurt people hurt people hurt people hurt people...
 
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