Getting engaged: Asking the parents

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Stefanmuller

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Random question here, that I never ever thought about untill someone actually asked me....

Does the groom to be, need to ask his own parents (mom and dad) if he may marry his wife to be?
I know it is standard etiquette for the man to at least ask his girlfriend's dad for permission to marry, and often also the mother just because it is good manners and it is her child too. But I never knew that I need to ask my own parents too? I kind of feel crappy about it because if I think about it, it makes sense to ask your own parents as well....after all, it is one of their children making the big move to get married. I was like "Mom, I'm going up to Joburg to pop the question, and she's like, Oh, shouldn't you ask me too?" Not in a bad way, more jokingly but it had me worried. Same happened with my dad. We've been dating for 11 years so it is not as though they appose it.

It's just that none of my friends seem to think that, or at least, everyone only worries about asking the GF's father. So, what is considered etiquette according to you?
 
I'll only be asking my girlfriend - I'm not interested in marrying her family, or my family - and I don't care much for 'customs'.
 
Same happened with my dad. We've been dating for 11 years so it is not as though they appose it.

Haha sounds like you've been dating your dad for 11 years :D anyways, I actually did hear about this thing where you ask your own parents, although I think it is more along the lines of informing them than asking them.
 
Some interesting stuff online...

Parental Permission

Historically, when brides lived with their parents until marriage and betrothals were social bargaining chips, it was required for the gentlemen to ask the bride-to-be’s parents for permission to wed their daughter. Today, it is still considered courteous for a young man to ask for her parents’ blessing before the proposal, particularly if she is still living at home or has strong family connections. Older couples who live on their own (either separately or together) may choose to forgo this tradition in favor of asking for their parents’ blessing after the proposal.

It may seem old-fashioned to ask for a parent’s permission to marry, but there are emotional benefits to doing so. If the proposal is a surprise to the family or if they may question whether or not the couple is the right age to get engaged, asking for permission or blessings first shows respect and deference to the parents’ wishes. This can also help parents feel involved in the couple’s relationship and will encourage them to be supportive of the couple’s plan to marry.
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Do Talk to Her Parents
We've come a long way from when women were property who needed their father's permission, yet, there is still something nice and respectful about asking for the parents' blessing.
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Inform her parents beforehand
The key word here is inform, not ask -- and you should be cautious that your language reflects as much. You can ask for their permission, but you’re not beholden to it if they don’t approve. In the end, if you give her father the opportunity to say no, you deny her the basic ability to make her own choices.

On the other hand, it’s good manners to involve your potential in-laws in the process, since for them it may suggest at least a token involvement in their daughter’s life. While this may seem old-fashioned, give tradition the benefit of the doubt.

Naturally, there may be some exceptional circumstances that would dictate a different proposal course. If she’s estranged from her parents (she hasn't spoken to them in a number of years or they are not a part of her life), informing them is not necessary. On that note, I would advise against any plans or schemes you might be harboring of using the proposal to bring them all together.
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I'd ask if you are expecting any sort of financial assistance, just out of courtesy.
 
LOL...I didn't ask my mom or dad, I would say I was raised the right way, to respect people and have manners etc. But I just told them, besides, it was almost a given as my wife and I have been together for 6 years before we got married, so it was expected. However, I had to ask the man, and that was an experience! So, no...tell your mom and your dad that you are ready, and you'd just like to inform them that you intend on asking her father and her moms...I'm sure the moms would be extatic but the dad will be the dad you know mos how it goes...

So, inform you parents, make them feel involved that's all that parents of the 70's/80's kids want...to be involved!

Goodluck SteffanMuller!
 
copacetic said:
For god's sake, I was making a joke.

Although, if I were to get married it's between me and the person I am marrying. I'd happily tell her folks (or mine) about it.

*shrug*
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:D As you said- off colour. Better luck next time ;)
 
copacetic said:
For god's sake, I was making a joke.

Although, if I were to get married it's between me and the person I am marrying. I'd happily tell her folks (or mine) about it.

*shrug*
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Damn! I also TOLD her dad...he got up and left the room...
 
Something I read in Twilight :love: that comes to mind. Edward asks Bella’s father for his blessing on their marriage and not her hand in marriage so as to “not diminish her choice in the matter”. I think that is the way to go. Ask for a blessing, not permission.

But back to the OP’s question: Never heard of such a thing. Although I think you should mention it to your parents prior to proposing.
 
I asked my GFs dad (her mom passed away a while ago) and when he said yes, I told my parents I'd like to get married. As parents are,m they kinda already figured it out before I told them and already started making arrangements (the kind that parents insist on making and assume you want).

All for the best though. Good luck buddy.
 
Cheri_N said:
Something I read in Twilight :love: that comes to mind. Edward asks Bella’s father for his blessing on their marriage and not her hand in marriage so as to “not diminish her choice in the matter”. I think that is the way to go. Ask for a blessing, not permission.

But back to the OP’s question: Never heard of such a thing. Although I think you should mention it to your parents prior to proposing.
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. . . ah! nevermind!
 
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