Grandparents. Eish!

[Mars]

What rights do grandparents have when it comes to grandchildren?

We have a 3yo little girl and she loves her Grandpa and Grama.
The issue is this. They keep asking us to let her spend the night at their house.
I think she is too young to be sleeping away from home, but , I'm her dad, I will probably think that when she's 6, 10, 16, 18, 21, forever.
She has now spent two nights at grampa's house, the first time she had a ball, the second time, not so much.
She came back saying that the next time she spends the night there we have to come with.

Now they have asked us if she can go with them to the farm (300km away) for four days!
We have already had a huge blow out about what rights they think they have and what rights I think they have (none, except those I give them).
We had about six months of harsh words about this last year before we decided to bury the hatchet.

So my first thought is no... actually make that a HELL NO!
Besides how I feel about it, I know for a fact that my little girl will not cope without her mom and dad for four days. Neither will my wife cope without her little girl.
But I also know that an outright "no" is going to start the whole "we have rights" crap right up again.

Its going to be no. Has to be. But how do I make them understand the selfishness of their request without starting all the crap again?

 

[bwana]

Damn - I wish my kids grandparents were so willing to be involved.

I guess you're a better judge of their character and you have your reasons for not wanting them to be so involved in your kids lives.

 

[Nafisa]

Let them know that you don't want a repeat of the last time and it's best that your kid stay with you and (possibly) in the future you will rethink the decision.

If you are not upfront about it now, it will get difficult later on.

 

[Arbiter]

No rights whatsoever. She is your child and you ought to make them understand that very clearly.

If she wants to go, let her go. If she doesn't, you can not allow her to go. She will not respect your authority if you allow gramps to override you. If you don't want her to go, **** it. Someone claiming they have a "right" to something does not rank high in my books.

On a much more dodgy note, when a child tells you something like you have to come with next time, she might actually mean "They were hurting me and saying its alright" or something along the lines of abuse.

I don't want to scare you and of course, I'm by no means accusing your parents (or your wife's parents) of any such behaviour, but I know a child can never tell you the full scope of what they are experiencing. Whatever you do, don't disregard that possibility. You might regret it forever.

 

[Mars]

Damn - I wish my kids grandparents were so willing to be involved.

I guess you're a better judge of their character and you have your reasons for not wanting them to be so involved in your kids lives.

No, no. It has nothing to do with involvement. I love the involvement (mostly).
The issue is wanting to be involved with my child outside my family unit.
We often all go up to the farm together, then they spend all their time with her anyway.
Thats great.

The issue here is that they cannot seem to fathom that she needs her parents around.
They just think of the fun they have with her and think that when dad and mom are not around to spoil their fun by making sure she has her nap, ect, it must equal fun x 1000.

Neither of them have ever had to put their foot down with her, nor have they had to deal with her when she is freaking out because she is overtired. Besides that they have an attitude that safety car chairs for children are optional when its not too inconvenient because it sooo much fun to drive on grama's lap.

They cannot seem to see her needs. The issue is that when she is freaking out for mommy on day 2 how will they deal with it? There is hardly any cell reception on the farm and they are an hour away from the closest town.

She has even had days like that with me. My wife went to the spa with her sister for a whole day. My daughter and I had a debate about how much ice cream she should eat, and it ended in her screaming for her mom. Now we where at home and she got over it in about an hour (just before my wife got home). Now we often spend the day together, but at the end of it she is still attached to my wife.

Explain to a little girl that she can't have her mommy for another 2 days.. my heart just drops.

Let them know that you don't want a repeat of the last time and it's best that your kid stay with you and (possibly) in the future you will rethink the decision.

If you are not upfront about it now, it will get difficult later on.

Well thats just it, there where no fireworks the last time, she just came home saying she missed us and wnted us there the next time.

No rights whatsoever. She is your child and you ought to make them understand that very clearly.

If she wants to go, let her go. If she doesn't, you can not allow her to go. She will not respect your authority if you allow gramps to override you. If you don't want her to go, **** it. Someone claiming they have a "right" to something does not rank high in my books.

On a much more dodgy note, when a child tells you something like you have to come with next time, she might actually mean "They were hurting me and saying its alright" or something along the lines of abuse.

I don't want to scare you and of course, I'm by no means accusing your parents (or your wife's parents) of any such behaviour, but I know a child can never tell you the full scope of what they are experiencing. Whatever you do, don't disregard that possibility. You might regret it forever.

You have a strong point, and we are VERY aware of abuse. We have always told her that NO-ONE may touch her there, not even me, without her mom present. That way she sees the rule being enforced in her daily life. We have had a scare where she was talking about a naughty man making her sad, my wife flipped, I flipped. It turned out to be a bible movie she was watching at pre-school. Boy did we put some noses out of joint THAT week . We have also told her that if anyone says its a secret she must know that that person is being naughty.

Besides their grating lack of care for our rules and routines, I do not think that there are any reasons I would keep her away from them, I do not see her in any danger from them directly. I also see great value in their relationship with her.

 

[Old_Username]

Based on all the above replies and your responses to each one I think you have your answer. She's your little girl and the decision belongs to you and your wife alone.

You are not comfortable with it, respect how you feel- we feel cautious about things for a reason. It's your responsibility to keep her safe after all. Welcome their interaction with your child but when they do not follow specific instructions you have left with them i.e. the carseat, then it is clear that they are not responsible enough at this stage to look after her for four days without you.

Personal opinion? I think she's way too young to go off without her parents. There's plenty of time for her to go away with her grandparents when she's older. Make your decision and stick with it. The grandparents might get upset but they will and should respect your position as her parent.

 

[Pitbull]

Over protective much?

I can understand if your parents where crap to you as a kid or your wife's. But they did good by raising you 2 so what is the problem with letting your girl be with them from time to time?

My kids stay over often at my folks house or at my wife's mother's house. Damn my girl, was 4 at the time and went with my folks to Germany (Last year) for 3 weeks.

You need to relax a little. Nothing wrong with your choice, maybe just review it. I'm don't know them nor do I know you. But you honestly have to treat your little girl like a possession?

 

[Devill]

What rights do grandparents have when it comes to grandchildren?

We have a 3yo little girl and she loves her Grandpa and Grama.
The issue is this. They keep asking us to let her spend the night at their house.
I think she is too young to be sleeping away from home, but , I'm her dad, I will probably think that when she's 6, 10, 16, 18, 21, forever.
She has now spent two nights at grampa's house, the first time she had a ball, the second time, not so much.
She came back saying that the next time she spends the night there we have to come with.

Now they have asked us if she can go with them to the farm (300km away) for four days!
We have already had a huge blow out about what rights they think they have and what rights I think they have (none, except those I give them).
We had about six months of harsh words about this last year before we decided to bury the hatchet.

So my first thought is no... actually make that a HELL NO!
Besides how I feel about it, I know for a fact that my little girl will not cope without her mom and dad for four days. Neither will my wife cope without her little girl. But I also know that an outright "no" is going to start the whole "we have rights" crap right up again.

Its going to be no. Has to be. But how do I make them understand the selfishness of their request without starting all the crap again?

Why don't you just tell the grandparents that? Tell them one or maybe two nights away from mommy and daddy is fine but not 4 nights.

Damn - I wish my kids grandparents were so willing to be involved.

I guess you're a better judge of their character and you have your reasons for not wanting them to be so involved in your kids lives.

I am sorry but my kids happiness (I don't have any yet) will come first.. If he/she doesn't cope with being away from his/her parents for more than one night at a time at age 3 I will not "unload" him/her on the grandparents / godparents / babysitter / uncle / etc etc

 

[CodeMaster]

Neither of them have ever had to put their foot down with her, nor have they had to deal with her when she is freaking out because she is overtired. Besides that they have an attitude that safety car chairs for children are optional when its not too inconvenient because it sooo much fun to drive on grama's lap.

I don't have children yet, but we are expecting twin boys. My wife and I both agree that we need some time to ourselves every now and then, and our boys will definitely spend time with their grandparents, and other immediate family. Why not look at this as an opportunity for the two of you to spend some quality time together?
As far as the bold part goes... EVERYONE that spends time with our children will know from the outset that they either abide by our wishes, or they don't see them until they do. There won't be many rules - but children in a car-seat at ALL times, this I will not budge on. I get absolutely if I see children standing on back seats or sitting on passengers lap

 

[guest2013-1]

What rights do grandparents have when it comes to grandchildren?

We have a 3yo little girl and she loves her Grandpa and Grama.
The issue is this. They keep asking us to let her spend the night at their house.
I think she is too young to be sleeping away from home, but , I'm her dad, I will probably think that when she's 6, 10, 16, 18, 21, forever.
She has now spent two nights at grampa's house, the first time she had a ball, the second time, not so much.
She came back saying that the next time she spends the night there we have to come with.

Now they have asked us if she can go with them to the farm (300km away) for four days!
We have already had a huge blow out about what rights they think they have and what rights I think they have (none, except those I give them).
We had about six months of harsh words about this last year before we decided to bury the hatchet.

So my first thought is no... actually make that a HELL NO!
Besides how I feel about it, I know for a fact that my little girl will not cope without her mom and dad for four days. Neither will my wife cope without her little girl.
But I also know that an outright "no" is going to start the whole "we have rights" crap right up again.

Its going to be no. Has to be. But how do I make them understand the selfishness of their request without starting all the crap again?

No insult intended. But it sounds like you're a woman. Or, I assume the whole "what right do they have" issue comes from (and is now perfectly en-grained into you) the wife.

Now, to the issue. It's their grand child. She's your kid.

However, if she's old enough to go "Next time I sleep over you need to come with" then she's old enough to be asked "Would you like to go stay with Granpa and Granma on the farm for 4 days?"

Her choice at the end. If she's the one complaining that she doesn't want to go without you guys, then perhaps try (if it's possible) at least one parent go with for those 4 days.

"What right do they have" <---- WOMEN

Those grandparents have every right to ask for sleep overs and spending time with their grandchild. And would probably on you and your wife's death get the kid anyway.

Point is, the kid needs to want to go. And if she's not comfortable (and you're not comfortable) then at least 1 parent go with. Really not an issue about what RIGHTS they have and more an issue about what else might be wrong that you're trying to think of these stupid reasons to say no and accuse someone of their rights.

They're your mom/dad ffs

Tell them there is certain ground rules. Like, car seat at all times. If they can't cope with that then they can't have the kid. Simple

 

[RazedInBlack]

Based on all the above replies and your responses to each one I think you have your answer. She's your little girl and the decision belongs to you and your wife alone.

You are not comfortable with it, respect how you feel- we feel cautious about things for a reason. It's your responsibility to keep her safe after all. Welcome their interaction with your child but when they do not follow specific instructions you have left with them i.e. the carseat, then it is clear that they are not responsible enough at this stage to look after her for four days without you.

Personal opinion? I think she's way too young to go off without her parents. There's plenty of time for her to go away with her grandparents when she's older. Make your decision and stick with it. The grandparents might get upset but they will and should respect your position as her parent.

I agree with what Lush says here!

The ball is in your court.

 

[bwana]

I am sorry but my kids happiness (I don't have any yet) will come first.. If he/she doesn't cope with being away from his/her parents for more than one night at a time at age 3 I will not "unload" him/her on the grandparents / godparents / babysitter / uncle / etc etc

Maybe you can explain how that has even a passing relevance to what I said? Did I even infer the kids happiness was secondary?

You have a strong point, and we are VERY aware of abuse. We have always told her that NO-ONE may touch her there, not even me, without her mom present.

So you've never even changed her nappy without her mother present or bathed your child without a minder?

 

[Devill]

Maybe you can explain how that has even a passing relevance to what I said? Did I even infer the kids happiness was secondary?

I was not reacting to your post I was explaining why he doesn't want the kid to go.... you said: "I guess you're a better judge of their character ....". Well of course he is.. you don't know them.

Never did imply anything else... relax.

 

[koeks]

I'm guessing they are not your parents but either way just say no no and then. it teaches children responsibility and they will learn that no and then you don't always get want you want in life...

 

[Mars]

So you've never even changed her nappy without her mother present or bathed your child without a minder?

When she was baby I did.
But when she started going to school and she was out of nappies we decided that, in this day and age, as long as my wife is arround there is no need for me to be dealing with stuff like that.
My wife usualy baths with her and she wipes herself after the toilet. Not that its an issue for me to do it, but we wanted to enforce in her mind that its not a place that anyone can just touch or deal with.

No insult intended. But it sounds like you're a woman. Or, I assume the whole "what right do they have" issue comes from (and is now perfectly en-grained into you) the wife.

No, it was the grandparents who approached us with a list of their "rights". Not the other way around. In my opinion there are no rights.. only what we as parents do or do not allow.
Maybe that’s why I'm a bit irritated by the whole thing. They made no effort while she was a baby. When we needed babysitters (as in for a baby) they were never available. They showed no interest in finding out about our parenting techniques or in offering advice. Only when she started to be cute and entertaining did they want to be around her. Now they don't actually know her, her quirks or her routine, but they want to take her away for four days?

My kids stay over often at my folks house or at my wife's mother's house. Damn my girl, was 4 at the time and went with my folks to Germany (Last year) for 3 weeks.

I'm guessing that when you had the toughest times with her as a baby your parents where right there? That they helped you raise her, gave advise so by this point you and your parents/in-laws have a like-mind when it comes to how your child should be raised?
That sounds great, I envy you.
But imagine they where just casual observers throwing in a comment every now and then, then suddenly 2 1/2 years down the line they come to you with a list of rights to your child? I'm sure you wouldn't be so permissive then.

 

[HapticSimian]

Madman88 - Although the advice of others is helpful, only you have had the specific combination of experiences that have brought you to this point. I believe that parents instinctively know what is and what isn't in their child's interest...

Thus, as long as the child is not being used as emotional currency to 'get back' at gramma and granpa, you've already made a fair decision - one you don't need to justify to the world.

If your reasoning isn't selfish, but demonstrably out of concern for your kid, then there is no sense of entitlement from the elder parentals that should overshadow your decision.

 

[Pitbull]

When she was baby I did.
But when she started going to school and she was out of nappies we decided that, in this day and age, as long as my wife is arround there is no need for me to be dealing with stuff like that.
My wife usualy baths with her and she wipes herself after the toilet. Not that its an issue for me to do it, but we wanted to enforce in her mind that its not a place that anyone can just touch or deal with.



No, it was the grandparents who approached us with a list of their "rights". Not the other way around. In my opinion there are no rights.. only what we as parents do or do not allow.
Maybe that’s why I'm a bit irritated by the whole thing. They made no effort while she was a baby. When we needed babysitters (as in for a baby) they were never available. They showed no interest in finding out about our parenting techniques or in offering advice. Only when she started to be cute and entertaining did they want to be around her. Now they don't actually know her, her quirks or her routine, but they want to take her away for four days?



I'm guessing that when you had the toughest times with her as a baby your parents where right there? That they helped you raise her, gave advise so by this point you and your parents/in-laws have a like-mind when it comes to how your child should be raised?
That sounds great, I envy you.
But imagine they where just casual observers throwing in a comment every now and then, then suddenly 2 1/2 years down the line they come to you with a list of rights to your child? I'm sure you wouldn't be so permissive then.

You are 100% correct. When my girl was born she was colic. We where awake 24/7 for the first 3 months of her little life. My parents where there 24/7 during that time and we took turns sleeping during this very hard period.

She loves them to bits and they have been part of their lives just as much as ours. The little boy not so much .

As I mentioned above, it's your child and only you and your wife will know if it's ok to send your kid with them or not. For whatever reason and it's none of our business. But you need to make sure that you do make these decisions for the right reasons. That is the key here

 

[ponder]

No to visiting the farm for 4 days without her parents, just NO! When she is older (10 etc) it will be fine.

For now nightly stayovers might be ok but still pushing it. If she want's to visit say on a sat/sun etc it is ok.

It's you child, put your foot down. You are going to be trampling on toes but they will heal.

 

[ponder]

You are 100% correct. When my girl was born she was colic. We where awake 24/7 for the first 3 months of her little life. My parents where there 24/7 during that time and we took turns sleeping during this very hard period.

She loves them to bits and they have been part of their lives just as much as ours. The little boy not so much .

In your scenario it's fine but it differs for other couples where they might not have had a situation similar to yours and yours was a good one.

 

[Drakus_ZAR]

Well I'm literally a couple o days away from becoming a father to a beautiful baby girl, after 7 years of marriage. Sad to say my own parents are not as enthusiastic about the baby's birth as my in laws. I feel comfortable enough with the idea to let my baby girl stay with my in-laws for a couple of days, but funnily enough not with my own parents. So I completely understand how you feel.

Besides that they have an attitude that safety car chairs for children are optional when its not too inconvenient because it sooo much fun to drive on grama's lap.

As a volunteering medic I have seen what can happen to children that are not buckled up and frankly if any person allows that type of thing in their car, my little girl will not be driving with them.

Over protective much?

How can you ask that question to a father of precious little girl?