How to leave a man with nothing.

AstroTurf said:
I am not sure just how far back I will go with this little soap opera but let me start with a quick bit of background,

Married 18 years, have two children (11 and 17), we decided to emigrate to the UK.

Wife left in April 2024 (UK Citizen and spousal visa requires her to prove she earns the minimum income threshold), I looked after our children with a reduced household income and no financial help from her till May 2025 when I sent them over.

In order to maximise the amount of money I can save as well as to pay back all the debt I made with sending her and the children over, I gave away, threw away or sold absolutely everything in the rented home we shared since around 2006.

I left the house and moved in with her in-laws as they are very close to my place of work and offered me a room and boarding, everything I own now can into my car.

In July she broke up with me.

This effectively means I no longer have access to my children for at least the next two years as I no longer have the requirements for even a visitors visa to the UK for the next two years. Going there on a parental family visa is also a nearly impossible feat as I am not there primary caregiver anymore.

So in April 2024 I had a fully furnished home, a wife and two children.

Today I have a few items in a bedroom and am sleeping on a borrowed bed while paying off the debt I made to make sure my family have everything they need for emigration and had a good farewell and bucket list visits to KNP/KZN etc.

Bit surreal, traumatic and so much more starting again, with practically nothing.
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No man! That is horrible! What the hell!
 
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skimread said:
Immigration laws suck as it become super strict with mass migration politically sensitive so you can never say you emigrated unless you have obtained citizenship.
Until then you in reality just temporary relocated with possibility of applying for citizenship after 3 years if things go smooth and if things did not go smooth your relocation ends. Similar to a work visa.
You were fully dependent on a spousal visa which you seem to have lost.

Why not if you are not officially divorced have convo with her to say for best interest of kids she will only divorce after you can apply and get UK citizenship. Unless she wants to remarry? Issue with this is that AFAIK you have might to prove you are living together if you are on a spousal visa and apply for citizenship.

How long have you lived in UK on spousal visa?

You get the cheapest accommodation in uk and work yourself up. But if she wants divorce settlement money now if you have wealth then you are kinda screwed.
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He is still in South Africa; she took everything from him.
 
Sorry man that really sucks. Please try to stay strong. All is not lost.
 
That is soo cold hearted 😠 :oops:

@AstroTurf I would try make a deal with the devil and convince her to not divorce you until you have moved over to the UK and got citizenship, for sake of the kids, surely she can't be that cold that she'd deny her children their father. Also that you paid for the move over, she can at least allow you the opportunity to let you move there before she kicks you under the bus.
It may be a bit soul destroying to ask that but it’s worth biting the bullet just so you can get out of South Africa and get back near your kids..
 
prod said:
Baffled how she's not considered how this will affect the kids, it's already a shock to move countries at that age, and now to be without your dad as well...
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I know someone who reported her ex of having raped the child. Got locked up. Said they will drop the rape charges if he gives permission for them to emigrate with the child. Dropped the rape charges.

The system is corrupt.
 
Do the best you can in regards to somehow staying in the lives of your children until you can see them again. But apart from that, don’t look back. Start moving forward again. There are no lessons to learn, no amends to be made. Ruminating for too long is just a waste of time. What doesn’t kill you just makes you stronger is ultimately just a cope. It’s bs. All I can offer in terms of perspective is that it’s not something you chose, or had control over.

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airborne said:
That is soo cold hearted 😠 :oops:

@AstroTurf I would try make a deal with the devil and convince her to not divorce you until you have moved over to the UK and got citizenship, for sake of the kids, surely she can't be that cold that she'd deny her children their father. Also that you paid for the move over, she can at least allow you the opportunity to let you move there before she kicks you under the bus.
It may be a bit soul destroying to ask that but it’s worth biting the bullet just so you can get out of South Africa and get back near your kids..
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Sadly it sounds like she's been planning this from the start, I mean she literally left in April of 2024, didn't seem to want to assist getting him over. As soon as the kids were over bam divorce proceedings?
Sounds like she is literally that cold and heartless.
@AstroTurf I'm so sorry buddy :-( I wouldn't know what to do without the kids around either, I mean my niece has only been living with us for just under 2 years, but even when she's not around the house feels different. Strength buddy, you can get through it and hopefully get over there to see your kids regularly again.
 
skimread said:
Immigration laws suck as it become super strict with mass migration politically sensitive so you can never say you emigrated unless you have obtained citizenship.
Until then you in reality just temporary relocated with possibility of applying for citizenship after 3 years if things go smooth and if things did not go smooth your relocation ends. Similar to a work visa.
You were fully dependent on a spousal visa which you seem to have lost.

Why not if you are not officially divorced have convo with her to say for best interest of kids she will only divorce after you can apply and get UK citizenship. Unless she wants to remarry? Issue with this is that AFAIK you have might to prove you are living together if you are on a spousal visa and apply for citizenship.

How long have you lived in UK on spousal visa?

You get the cheapest accommodation in uk and work yourself up. But if she wants divorce settlement money now if you have wealth then you are kinda screwed.
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We have had that conversation and spousal visa means I would have to stay in the same house with her till I get ILR.
 
Priapus said:
He is still in South Africa; she took everything from him.
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His wife moved to the UK 1.6 years ago and he never relocated there ? At that stage when they stopped sleeping in same bed for long period they were emotionally divorced in my view. Despite his financial support she probably planned divorcing but just wanted to let him off slow. He is like a guy who sent money to a fake girlfriend who promised him marriage and now he is angry he lost all his money once she breaks it off.

When he says "we decided to emigrate to the UK" he means "she decided she wanted to emigrate to UK and let him off slow".
No sane person would let his wife make the move first living alone in UK where she can become emotionally disconnected after such a long time because of distance , form new friendships and relationships by herself.
 
Priapus said:
Sorry to hear. This is pretty ****ed up from her end.

As for the visitor visa - what requirement do you feel you don't meet?
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When you have family in the UK the visitors visa becomes much stricter,
As I moved out of the house we were living in for 22 years I no longer have proof of long term rental and I do not own any property.
I also do not have the day to day expenses requirement of around 300GBP per day at this time.

I have some Barristers/Solicitors doing Pro-Bono work for me on this, waiting to hear what they say.
 
airborne said:
That is soo cold hearted 😠 :oops:

@AstroTurf I would try make a deal with the devil and convince her to not divorce you until you have moved over to the UK and got citizenship, for sake of the kids, surely she can't be that cold that she'd deny her children their father. Also that you paid for the move over, she can at least allow you the opportunity to let you move there before she kicks you under the bus.
It may be a bit soul destroying to ask that but it’s worth biting the bullet just so you can get out of South Africa and get back near your kids..
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Tried, the devil has no sympathy.
 
AstroTurf said:
When you have family in the UK the visitors visa becomes much stricter,
As I moved out of the house we were living in for 22 years I no longer have proof of long term rental and I do not own any property.
I also do not have the day to day expenses requirement of around 300GBP per day at this time.

I have some Barristers/Solicitors doing Pro-Bono work for me on this, waiting to hear what they say.
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What will that achieve? Prove fraud on your wife's part so you can improve your divorce settlement.
 
Lupus said:
Wouldn't he need to fight for custody as well?
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No, just access.

You’ll can only apply for a parent visa if one of the following applies:

  • you have sole responsibility for your child
  • your child normally lives with you
  • you have access rights to your child
 
Sinbad said:
No, just access.

You’ll can only apply for a parent visa if one of the following applies:

  • you have sole responsibility for your child
  • your child normally lives with you
  • you have access rights to your child
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That hopefully should make it easier, let's hope she's not too cold hearted and somehow cuts that.
 
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