I Feel Like Killing Myself When I think About Work

[Ray03]

Yep I'm just going to be as blunt and honest as I can be right now (hence the title).

Hello everyone, my name is Ray and thinking about work makes me want to kill myself.

I'm placing this thread in the "health" section cause I think it goes here. So the level of frustration I'm feeling right now cannot be conveyed in any Human language.
It might have been slightly amplified by my turning 30 a couple days ago. So I lost my job in May of 2020 due to covid, was working in the film industry for 2.5 years.
Been trying to use the last several months since my retrenchment to figure out what it is I want to do and quite frankly I haven't made much headway. I have saved up a bit of money but eventually that will dwindle and I don't want that cause I worked long for it.

Now before any of you get the stupid idea that I'm a lazy loafer **** I want to give quick summary of the type of work I've done over the last 15 years.

• Bag packer and store room assistant at a grocery store. Started when I was 14 or 15. Was holiday work and did that for about 3 years.
• Sales rep at Incredible Corruption, was there for a month then quit. They only paid a basic salary after 3 months till then you had to survive on commission and being new and still learning, the other sales reps would get the sales. At least I got R200 that month . Also I don't feel like I'm salesman material.
• Sales assistant at a printing store (3@1 Business Center) for 2 years, eventually promoted to Assistant Manager near the end and got my salary increased from R3000 to R3500. I quit cause customer service is cancer and I just couldn't do it anymore. Oh and the pay was insulting.
• DTP Operator at a printing press. Hands down the worst job I have had in my whole life. The department manager was just a horrible horrible woman. There were mornings I'd wake up and just sit in my bed wanting to die (no joke). Worked there for 1 year and then the company liquidated. The bosses told everyone for months that everything was fine even though people would come in and put stickers on everything with numbers (turns out it was auction numbers). Then they called us in one morning and said they are closing and that they can't pay us. I worked a month for free....
• Worked for my father as a manual labourer helping him with his renovation work. Not great work and hard. Did that for just over a year.
• Found a contract job of 6 months with a company that was digitizing the historical archives at the Parliament of South Africa. Saw some cool things and got to handle super old manuscripts from hundreds of years ago but photographing each and every page got boring FAST.
• Found a job at a Virtual Reality arcade helping snotty kids put on VR headsets and make sure they don't break them. Realized within the first couple hours that I have been through far to much to deal with this. Was only there for 1 day and left.
• Got a job at a film studio and got paid the highest I've ever been paid in any job I've had (16K). I was a Keyworder which is pretty much adding words to footage using Adobe Lightroom. The words help people find what they are looking for online on the various stock footage websites. The work became very very tedious because that's all I would do most of the time however, it was by far the most pleasant environment to work in cause the people and the bosses were really good to me. I was able to save up a lot of money cause I finally got a break. I worked there for 2.5 years and then covid came and the company shut down and I got retrenched...for the second time in my working life...

So I've been experimenting with ideas and recently (a week ago) started a YouTube channel (meditation music) but that's obviously going very slow and probably will for a while. Learning how to edit the videos was fun, haven't done that since I was a teenager making super low budget videos with my friend back in the mid 2000's.

I really like the van life movement and I want to get a small truck or van to live in so I can finally leave home, still stay with parents and yes I do pay rent (5k). I found a really cool 4 x 4 camper online (made a post in the vehicle section) and unfortunately it's well out of my price range which really hurts.

It's quite a horrible feeling when ever there's something I really want but its just out of reach and then I wonder why it was shown to me in the first place. And yes depression is something I have had to deal with since I can remember but it's not some chemical imbalance, I'm overwhelmingly frustrated, sad and angry that things are always difficult for me. There's a boat load of other stuff like family issues and horrible events that took place but I don't want this to get too long. So I'm at home everyday brainstorming what the hell I feel would make my spirit sing but the thought of getting a "job"....I just can't anymore.


Hello everyone. My name is Ray, I'm 30 years old and thinking about work makes me want to kill myself...

 

[Magnum]

Yep I'm just going to be as blunt and honest as I can be right now (hence the title).

Hello everyone, my name is Ray and thinking about work makes me want to kill myself.

I'm placing this thread in the "health" section cause I think it goes here. So the level of frustration I'm feeling right now cannot be conveyed in any Human language.
It might have been slightly amplified by my turning 30 a couple days ago. So I lost my job in May of 2020 due to covid, was working in the film industry for 2.5 years.
Been trying to use the last several months since my retrenchment to figure out what it is I want to do and quite frankly I haven't made much headway. I have saved up a bit of money but eventually that will dwindle and I don't want that cause I worked long for it.

Now before any of you get the stupid idea that I'm a lazy loafer **** I want to give quick summary of the type of work I've done over the last 15 years.

• Bag packer and store room assistant at a grocery store. Started when I was 14 or 15. Was holiday work and did that for about 3 years.
• Sales rep at Incredible Corruption, was there for a month then quit. They only paid a basic salary after 3 months till then you had to survive on commission and being new and still learning, the other sales reps would get the sales. At least I got R200 that month . Also I don't feel like I'm salesman material.
• Sales assistant at a printing store (3@1 Business Center) for 2 years, eventually promoted to Assistant Manager near the end and got my salary increased from R3000 to R3500. I quit cause customer service is cancer and I just couldn't do it anymore. Oh and the pay was insulting.
• DTP Operator at a printing press. Hands down the worst job I have had in my whole life. The department manager was just a horrible horrible woman. There were mornings I'd wake up and just sit in my bed wanting to die (no joke). Worked there for 1 year and then the company liquidated. The bosses told everyone for months that everything was fine even though people would come in and put stickers on everything with numbers (turns out it was auction numbers). Then they called us in one morning and said they are closing and that they can't pay us. I worked a month for free....
• Worked for my father as a manual labourer helping him with his renovation work. Not great work and hard. Did that for just over a year.
• Found a contract job of 6 months with a company that was digitizing the historical archives at the Parliament of South Africa. Saw some cool things and got to handle super old manuscripts from hundreds of years ago but photographing each and every page got boring FAST.
• Found a job at a Virtual Reality arcade helping snotty kids put on VR headsets and make sure they don't break them. Realized within the first couple hours that I have been through far to much to deal with this. Was only there for 1 day and left.
• Got a job at a film studio and got paid the highest I've ever been paid in any job I've had (16K). I was a Keyworder which is pretty much adding words to footage using Adobe Lightroom. The words help people find what they are looking for online on the various stock footage websites. The work became very very tedious because that's all I would do most of the time however, it was by far the most pleasant environment to work in cause the people and the bosses were really good to me. I was able to save up a lot of money cause I finally got a break. I worked there for 2.5 years and then covid came and the company shut down and I got retrenched...for the second time in my working life...

So I've been experimenting with ideas and recently (a week ago) started a YouTube channel (meditation music) but that's obviously going very slow and probably will for a while. Learning how to edit the videos was fun, haven't done that since I was a teenager making super low budget videos with my friend back in the mid 2000's.

I really like the van life movement and I want to get a small truck or van to live in so I can finally leave home, still stay with parents and yes I do pay rent (5k). I found a really cool 4 x 4 camper online (made a post in the vehicle section) and unfortunately it's well out of my price range which really hurts.

It's quite a horrible feeling when ever there's something I really want but its just out of reach and then I wonder why it was shown to me in the first place. And yes depression is something I have had to deal with since I can remember but it's not some chemical imbalance, I'm overwhelmingly frustrated, sad and angry that things are always difficult for me. There's a boat load of other stuff like family issues and horrible events that took place but I don't want this to get too long. So I'm at home everyday brainstorming what the hell I feel would make my spirit sing but the thought of getting a "job"....I just can't anymore.


Hello everyone. My name is Ray, I'm 30 years old and thinking about work makes me want to kill myself...

Life was easier when you were staying at your parents and school was the only thing every day.

 

[w1z4rd]

Are you depressed because of a lack of work? Or because you have to work? I wasnt able to work that out from your post. I assume its a lack of work thats making you depressed. This is understandable.

Do the usual stuff. Try get more sunlight, do less chemicals, get some exercise and get a pet.

If that doesnt work consult a psychologist and/or psychatrist.

 

[Foxhound5366]

Oh Ray, my sympathies for your hardships buddy. Here are three hard facts though (coming from someone 35 years old - so don't feel too sorry for yourself having turned 30):
1) Nobody really has their **** together. It's all a pretense. EVERYBODY is struggling with some combination of health, financial, relationship, spiritual and career goals. Don't think you've failed if you're 30 and your life feels like a mess - it's all a matter of perspective and attitude.
2) You cannot move forward if you are being crushed by the weight of your past. There are lessons to be learned from the past, but if you have sunken into a state of "analysis paralysis" then you need to put down the hurt of the past, stop indulgently wallowing in self-pity, and move on forward confidently with a clean slate (with a promise to return at a later date when you're strong enough to handle it).
3) You need a job. Everybody does. Your job mustn't define you, and chances are it won't be your "dream" job (exceptionally few people can claim to have one of those). Your job gives you the money you need to enable your life ... it's the old saying of "Work to live, don't live to work." Either way you have to work. And if you don't have the money for your dream toys and dream future, that's why they're 'dreams' - you wouldn't want them if you already had them.

Now up and at them. Get a good, honest job, that makes use of your skills (and offers you a career path of progression and salary increases if you're a good little wage slave). Make a difference. Add value. And for god's sake, look at the glass as half-full, no matter what.

 

[B-1]

Sadly from my experience jobs all suck at some point its typically an ebb and flow if you're lucky with good times and bad times.

The only real advice I can offer is for you to find a skill you mostly enjoy that has a decent demand so you have options once you get bored. For me the saying of a change is as good as a holiday rings quite true. Usually by the time I hit 5 years within a business and it has not diversified into some new field its time for me to move on.

One of my favourite jobs was working for a company that did green fields solutions and I would start a new project in a new organisations every 2-3 years.

 

[Peon]

You've done well and and reckon it's not so bad. Can quickly see you putting too much pressure on yourself.

Gear down a bit so your mind can open a bit more and let the direction come naturally. You revving high at the moment for quick definite solution.

I would recommend doing something completely out of usual routine.

Something silly, decide to walk to a sign board 2km away. Get there and make notes about the sign and all around it then come back.

 

[KleinBoontjie]

Hi Ray...hello
So you don't seem to like work.....any work. Everything is tedious, boring, not for you, the worst job, not great and hard, etc....Mmmmm, you making a statement or asking a question?

Realized within the first couple hours that I have been through far to much to deal with this.

Everything I read up to here, made me wonder "far too much of what"?

There's always someone out there that has a far more worst job than you. There's people that is in real danger of getting killed in the line of their work.

 

[Sinbad]

Sounds like you've been through hell.

My suggestion is to reach out to Sadag or a similar organisation. Unload a bit on them, get a sympathetic ear and get some tools to strengthen your mental ability to deal with anxiety, depression and stress.

 

[backstreetboy]

Lol 90% of people out there don't like their jobs. That's why it's called having a job and not a career...

 

[Sinbad]

Lol 90% of people out there don't like their jobs. That's why it's called having a job and not a career...

There's a difference between not liking your work, and suicidal thoughts.

 

[KleinBoontjie]

There's a difference between not liking your work, and suicidal thoughts.

You sure he's not talking figuratively?

Sounds like you've been through hell.

My suggestion is to reach out to Sadag or a similar organisation. Unload a bit on them, get a sympathetic ear and get some tools to strengthen your mental ability to deal with anxiety, depression and stress.

Hell? He packed bags, IC rep, Sales assistance, held paper in his hands for DTP, held his fathers tools, held paper in his hands for the archive, held VR headsets and clicked a computer mouse for a film company.
Maybe he put himself through hell.

 

[Sinbad]

You sure he's not talking figuratively?

Hell? He packed bags, IC rep, Sales assistance, held paper in his hands for DTP, held his fathers tools, held paper in his hands for the archive, held VR headsets and clicked a computer mouse for a film company.
Maybe he put himself through hell.

You think it's worth the risk?

 

[Meister-Man]

Please call them

 

[K213N]

Dude I just want to point out that you shouldn’t be too impressed by these van life things and other “movements” you see on social media. You can be sure most of the people you see in those videos are trust fund kids and brats being sponsored by their parents. Whatever stories they tell you about how they came up with the money are almost certainly bull****.

If, like most of us, you don’t have endless cash being thrown your way by your family, then do yourself a favor and don‘t compare your life to others you‘re seeing on the internet.

 

[bromster]

You derive enjoyment from the use of your creativity, and can't tolerate menial jobs because they are too regimented and don't give you enough creative license to derive the job satisfaction which you so desperately crave.

Continue with your YouTube channel in the mean time. Life is fraught with opportunities to grow and learn. I would gladly subscribe and give it a bash. There are many people out there in the same boat as you, emotionally shackled by a capitalist system which only serves the logical, quick thinking corporate types.

If meditation is what you enjoy, and you have the talent to create something which adds value to humanity, and you are willing to open up, and open enough to share your struggles with other people who might be facing the same thing, then I think that you might develop a perspective on life which will help you to let go of your neuroses and figure out what life is really about.

And when that happens, you will learn what meditation really is. And that will change your life forever.

Keep your chin up, Ray. Ride the waves, don't try to defeat them. Take care.

 

[Ejeckt]

...

It's quite a horrible feeling when ever there's something I really want but its just out of reach and then I wonder why it was shown to me in the first place. And yes depression is something I have had to deal with since I can remember but it's not some chemical imbalance, I'm overwhelmingly frustrated, sad and angry that things are always difficult for me. There's a boat load of other stuff like family issues and horrible events that took place but I don't want this to get too long. So I'm at home everyday brainstorming what the hell I feel would make my spirit sing but the thought of getting a "job"....I just can't anymore.

...

I went through a similar experience myself not too long ago. I highlighted the part of your post which I feel really stand out and you should take a second look at.

You mentioned starting a YouTube channel with meditation music, so I'm going to assume you're open minded to discussions on mindfulness and being present.

Basically, you're looking super hard for that "goodie".... that something that is going to make you go "aha, this is it". Unfortunately, there's no such thing.

You see, as long as you are so invested in this search for happiness, you identify as someone who isn't happy. Every time you look for happiness or peace, you basically tell yourself "I don't have it... yet. BUT! I will have it when I do this or that". Except there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, mate. This moment, as crap as you think it is... is "it". Stop looking.

Most people tend to roll their eyes at this moment. For some reason they think that if they stop looking, then they're destined to be unhappy or miserable. That somehow by letting go of this mental grip on their goals they will totally abandon them. But that's a huge huge huge error in reasoning. That is to say, you don't want the things you want because "you" are holding onto your dreams and goals in your head. You want the things you want because you just want them. That's how you've been conditioned in life (your experiences, previous interactions, memories, discussions, etc.) and regardless of how hard you mentally "hold on" it's not going to change who you are. So the only thing that's left for you to do is fully and wholly accept your life situation and acknowledge that "yep, this is it".

You'll still want the things you want - in this case something that maybe looks like the "Van Life" you described. Except now you won't be trying to find happiness or peace in doing those things. If you pursue your YouTube or Van Life goals, or anything else, it will be an expression of your happiness and peace - rather than a condition for it.

 

[Nanfeishen]

I for one can completely identify with the bits about working for and with people, hate it with a passion. I am not a team player, i dont enjoy being constantly harassed by people wanting to chat , or looking over my shoulder all day long, and as for dealing with the public, just no.
Give me a job to do leave me alone and i will get it done, bug me and my hackles rise and after a while i just leave. Your archive job sounded like a dream to me as i find that sort of thing relaxing ,( alone in a library all day) go figure.

Stop looking at what you want , look at what you need.
Your need is to find a balance between work, creativity and peace of mind.
Once you define what it is you need, you will then be able to focus better.
List them in rank of importance, and focus on one at a time or 2 at most, focusing on too much will expend your energy and then you may find your depression sets in again.
Its a common mistake that many people make in trying to do all sorts of thing at once. Each thing gets done but in a half hearted manner, or worse you burn out trying to do too much at once.

Good luck in your quest in finding that balance.

 

[Ray03]

Whoa I didn't expect so much support...

@Foxhound5366 @B-1 @Peon @Sinbad @K213N @bromster @Ejeckt @Nanfeishen
Your responses were very helpful and uplifting, thank you I really do appreciate your perspectives and kindness.

I would like to become my own boss and eventually create multiple sources of income that allows me to be able to work from anywhere. I'm not the 9 to 5 guy, done it for years and that's not life for me. Also because I struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life I have become rather reclusive which meant that I didn't go out much. I used to play PC games a lot until a couple years ago then I realized that I'm not moving forward and eventually I lost interest. So that's why I want to live in a well built and decent Van or Truck, I just don't want to live in a house anymore, I want the freedom to up and go when I feel I'm done. By no means is my vehicle going to look like some hobbo/beggar van, I want it to look like those campers you see in Morocco and Tunisia, those expedition vans/trucks.

I need to feel free and not so powerless. I know I have to get out of my comfort zone and I really want to, I just really dislike how dangerous the world feels. Growing up with negligent parents and in dangerous environments tends to cultivate hypervigilance. I'm slowly easing my way out of it.

About two years ago I was playing a sci-fi mobile game and at one point my planet that I took a while to build up was attacked by another player and I lost a lot stuff. I got fed up so I sent a message to my guild leader that I was leaving the game and that I would send the remainder of my resources to other guild members. He sent back a long message but what stood out the most was one sentence, "you never ask for help". That went kinda deep. So yes I feel I need to ask for help more, I guess that's one of the reasons I made this thread.

In my desperation I managed to acquire a tiny amount of psychedelic mushrooms a month ago. After reading about peoples positive experiences I felt I needed to try and see if I could have a breakthrough of sorts and hopefully learn something. So one night I was in a low mood and decided to take them, might have taken more than I should have cause eventually I thought I was dying, sure felt like. Eventually coming to terms that there's nothing I can do about it if I am dying the feeling slowly faded. Then thee was a Presence, it felt close to me and familiar, like it's always been there, maybe it was me but a more grand version. With overwhelming emotion it was pleading with me, begging me even, to stop worrying so much. It was crying and I was crying. It kept conveying to me "YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY SO MUCH!" After that it stayed with me and just talked to me about things I won't get into here. Overall it was a positive experience and I don't feel I will be taking any mind altering things again. That was my first and only time. I feel I got what I needed for now.

Anyways, thank you everyone for the support.
Ray

 

[B-1]

Whoa I didn't expect so much support...

@Foxhound5366 @B-1 @Peon @Sinbad @K213N @bromster @Ejeckt @Nanfeishen
Your responses were very helpful and uplifting, thank you I really do appreciate your perspectives and kindness.

I would like to become my own boss and eventually create multiple sources of income that allows me to be able to work from anywhere. I'm not the 9 to 5 guy, done it for years and that's not life for me. Also because I struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life I have become rather reclusive which meant that I didn't go out much. I used to play PC games a lot until a couple years ago then I realized that I'm not moving forward and eventually I lost interest. So that's why I want to live in a well built and decent Van or Truck, I just don't want to live in a house anymore, I want the freedom to up and go when I feel I'm done. By no means is my vehicle going to look like some hobbo/beggar van, I want it to look like those campers you see in Morocco and Tunisia, those expedition vans/trucks.

I need to feel free and not so powerless. I know I have to get out of my comfort zone and I really want to, I just really dislike how dangerous the world feels. Growing up with negligent parents and in dangerous environments tends to cultivate hypervigilance. I'm slowly easing my way out of it.

About two years ago I was playing a sci-fi mobile game and at one point my planet that I took a while to build up was attacked by another player and I lost a lot stuff. I got fed up so I sent a message to my guild leader that I was leaving the game and that I would send the remainder of my resources to other guild members. He sent back a long message but what stood out the most was one sentence, "you never ask for help". That went kinda deep. So yes I feel I need to ask for help more, I guess that's one of the reasons I made this thread.

In my desperation I managed to acquire a tiny amount of psychedelic mushrooms a month ago. After reading about peoples positive experiences I felt I needed to try and see if I could have a breakthrough of sorts and hopefully learn something. So one night I was in a low mood and decided to take them, might have taken more than I should have cause eventually I thought I was dying, sure felt like. Eventually coming to terms that there's nothing I can do about it if I am dying the feeling slowly faded. Then thee was a Presence, it felt close to me and familiar, like it's always been there, maybe it was me but a more grand version. With overwhelming emotion it was pleading with me, begging me even, to stop worrying so much. It was crying and I was crying. It kept conveying to me "YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY SO MUCH!" After that it stayed with me and just talked to me about things I won't get into here. Overall it was a positive experience and I don't feel I will be taking any mind altering things again. That was my first and only time. I feel I got what I needed for now.

Anyways, thank you everyone for the support.
Ray

You seem to be working things out so good going. Just to add there is this conceptual understanding that the majority of people are happy all the time with everything in their lives and a lot of people go on prescription meds to chase that utopia. In my experience its quite the opposite and if you learn to recognise the traits of stress, anxiety and depression you will see it in a lot of people you interact with. So don't feel like you are somehow an outcast or something because of it.

You mentioned your anxiety and there are a lot of things you mentioned that are fairly a typical of it. Things like over thinking, self reliance, loss of interest in things you enjoy and isolation etc. Again anxiety is pretty common to different degrees and its pretty easy to find someone you can talk to to find ways of recognising the early signs and learn techniques to lessen its impact. You can check out some YouTube videos as well and see if they help recognising your actions and reactions. Recognising it early before it gets you is normally a huge help. Taking psychedelics when you are at a low point was not a great idea especially if you tend to be anxious so glad you came out of that experience unscathed.

In short everyone has their vices and having the ability to recognise your triggers and early detection goes a long way in being able to dealwith them. Good luck though I'm sure with a bit of work you can improve yourself and your situation we all on the same ocean paddling our way through.

 

[bromster]

Eventually coming to terms that there's nothing I can do about it if I am dying the feeling slowly faded. Then thee was a Presence, it felt close to me and familiar, like it's always been there, maybe it was me but a more grand version. With overwhelming emotion it was pleading with me, begging me even, to stop worrying so much. It was crying and I was crying. It kept conveying to me "YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY SO MUCH!"
Ray

That's the lesson. Sometimes there's just nothing you can do.

So maybe 5 years from now, you're living on the road in your own little camper van, happy. So now you know what you're aiming for.

However, maybe in 5 years you're not living on the road in your own little camper van. And you need to be happy with this too.

The little voice you're hearing in your head isn't trying to tell you not to worry. It's trying to tell you to be content. That's the true meaning of life. And only when you realise this in a profoundly deep way, will your perspective shift and you'll discover that all of the worrying was meaningless all along. This is true freedom. And if you're completely honest with yourself and do it just right, an entire lifetime of stress, anxiety, depression and anger can dissolve overnight.

Most of society, including most therapists and even psychologists to a large degree will try to treat the symptoms of the disease and try to teach you to suppress or control your neuroses, often teaching you how to "manage" your "illness", but still ignoring the root cause. They do this because it is extremely difficult for a stranger to crack open someone's psyche and see what's going on. Only you know how your head works, and trying to explain it to someone when you're paying them per hour is a conflict of interests. Money Talks, and unfortunately psychologists are often forced to work much faster than they would like.

A really good psychologist or psychiatrist will guide you inward to find the root causes by yourself. Things like meditation and psychedelic therapies are ways to discover these things without professional guidance. However, set and setting are crucially important in the journey of self-discovery and personal growth.

If you are only going to therapy when you're upset, or take psychadelics/weed/alcohol on a bad day, you're using it as a crutch and you're approaching the problem backwards. I hope that makes some sense.