I Feel Like Killing Myself When I think About Work

Ray, I'm sorry you have had a hard life. Life is not fair - it never is. And truth is, almost everyone is lost in some way or another.

Some things stand out.

I think (could be wrong) that the reason you find work so difficult is that your personal instability makes it hard to just do a job. I had the exact same issue when I was younger, and still have it to some degree. I moved jobs a lot when I was younger, and now that I'm a bit older, I realised that it was because I was emotionally unstable. Something would happen, it would cause my emotions to flare up, and then I'd quit my job.

Without emotional stability, you'll find it difficult to hold down a job. I hate to say this, but the same is true, to a lesser degree, of creative endeavours like writing a book or creating a YouTube channel.

Your anxiety and depression is undoubtedly driving a lot of this - which you probably already knew. So I'm glad you have taken some steps towards recovery. I for one support the use of psychedelic mushrooms for this - I think they are a great tool, and it sounds like your first trip was a positive one for you. I'd encourage you to carry on personal development by other means too, including meditation and reading. It all helps, but it takes time.

A YouTube channel that helps me, and perhaps it will help you, is Michael Sealey's YouTube channel. He makes hypnotherapy recordings. They help me get to sleep, and I swear that hypnotherapy can have a lasting positive impact if repeating. That is my belief. Check his channel out.

Lastly, what is your YouTube channel called?
 
I remember in my younger years spending my days wracking my brains on ideas to do something different.
In one job I drove 12-15k km per month, I used to listen to the radio and try figure out how I could write a catchy song and make millions.
It was like that with most things around me, I was trying to figure out how to make them into an income so that I could escape what I was doing.

You eventually find something that works for you though, where you learn and get challenged and ultimately grow as a person.

I know it seems hard now, and I also know that it is hard for you now, but it does get better.

-------------------------------

So on the van life/tiny house/etc that you see on youtube channels, most of those are covered by the channel content and sponsors. They are also in countries where getting setup is a LOT cheaper than in SA.
There are also other factors like safety and practical considerations like good internet etc.
In between the various channels of people living their best lives, there are a few that get honest from time to time. They will all tell you that kind of life is hard and that you have to be extremely committed to it.
 
Ancalagon said:
A YouTube channel that helps me, and perhaps it will help you, is Michael Sealey's YouTube channel. He makes hypnotherapy recordings. They help me get to sleep, and I swear that hypnotherapy can have a lasting positive impact if repeating. That is my belief. Check his channel out.

Lastly, what is your YouTube channel called?
Click to expand...
Ah yes I've seen Michael Sealey's content on YouTube here and there. Will have a listen.

Regarding my channel, I started it two weeks ago. It's a collection of royalty free music for study, ambiance and sleep music. Have 7 videos up at the moment and an instagram.
It's called Endless Minds Meditation should you wish to check it out.
 
Rocket-Boy said:
So on the van life/tiny house/etc that you see on youtube channels, most of those are covered by the channel content and sponsors. They are also in countries where getting setup is a LOT cheaper than in SA.
There are also other factors like safety and practical considerations like good internet etc.
In between the various channels of people living their best lives, there are a few that get honest from time to time. They will all tell you that kind of life is hard and that you have to be extremely committed to it.
Click to expand...
Yes this is one thing that always pissed me off about SA is that everything is always a mission to get or is expensive. I do realize SA is a dangerous place believe me I've lived it but I don't want that to impact my decisions too much.
 
bromster said:
www.psychologytoday.com

What if Some Mental Disorders Weren't Disorders at All?

What if mental disorders like PTSD, anxiety, depression, or ADHD aren't disorders at all? Biological anthropologists make the case that they are something else entirely.
www.psychologytoday.com www.psychologytoday.com
Click to expand...
Read the article, its interesting. The part about kids having to sit still for so many hours and how it affects kids with ADHD is sad. And the idea that these various disorders might be natural responses is fascinating and I feel might be true. Thanks for the link.
 
I would like to come with a somewhat different approach but similar to the other points mentioned in this article.

1. If you think you have it worse, remember others have it much worse than you. Others have been jobless for a long time mate. Still are, begging for money in the streets. They do not even have the luxury to afford rentals at their family's place.

- I am not downplaying your situation but take it from me, as a Zimbabwean bud, things really do get much worse. I sometimes live in fear of xenophobia especially here in KZN. I struggle sometimes to sort out basic stuff like bank accounts. The process is a pain even with all the documentation I have (just trying to show u it can get much worse, and do not get me started on how job opportunities look like for a Zimbabwean. I do have a job but it was not easy landing it)

2. Identify your needs and separate them from WANTS.

- Someone in this thread mentioned it. You imagine living in a 4x4 and that seems more like a fantasy buddy not what u really need. What you really need is stability and consider a potential family. Would they be comfortable living in a van?

3. Life does get worse buddy.... refer back to point 1.

- Sometimes we do not land the job of our dreams but what is important is what do u do with what u got. I have South African friends that work for minimum wage and still commute and find a way to make it work. Giving up and turning to SUICIDE is not the way man. It is actually a **** way of giving up. MAN up bro... You can fight. Life was never meant to be easy for a man anyway.

4. You think you have gone through a lot @ 30 years old? come on man

- I believe you are still waaaaaaaaaaaaay too young to be looking at life like that. I started working for money when i was around 14 and worked for money for my education. I paid for University fees myself and boy.... do not get me started on how expensive universities are. Sadly, in Zim scholarships and bursaries are not easy to come by. If you think life has been challenging right now, wait till you have a wife and kid. I have friends who have kids and a wife and it is a hustle bud. Change your mindset, talk to someone, do whatever, but you are still too young to be thinking that u have gone through a lot.

5. A hint of laziness?

- Dude you had jobs. do you know how many people are jobless and would do anything to earn money legally. I am telling from a Zimbabwean perspective, people will do anything to land any job. To be honest. i detected a hint of laziness. I have seen people working for R2000 rands a month but they made it work by cutting down unnecessary stuff and prioritizing the important stuff. Complaining about something you can not change is not good. I work 12 to 14 hours a day Monday to Sunday. When i finish, i will be super exhausted, do i like the job? no. Is the salary good? NO. I take comfort in knowing that it could have been worse. So i work with what i have and try my best to do something productive with what i get. You should too.
 
Ray03 said:
Yes this is one thing that always pissed me off about SA is that everything is always a mission to get or is expensive. I do realize SA is a dangerous place believe me I've lived it but I don't want that to impact my decisions too much.
Click to expand...
LMAO omg ray. If you think things are a mission to get or expensive in SA, please have a look at my country Zimbabwe man. It will seem like you are watching a sci-fi movie man. I promise. Quite entertaining and sad at the same time.
 
ngoni615 said:
I would like to come with a somewhat different approach but similar to the other points mentioned in this article.

1. If you think you have it worse, remember others have it much worse than you. Others have been jobless for a long time mate. Still are, begging for money in the streets. They do not even have the luxury to afford rentals at their family's place.

- I am not downplaying your situation but take it from me, as a Zimbabwean bud, things really do get much worse. I sometimes live in fear of xenophobia especially here in KZN. I struggle sometimes to sort out basic stuff like bank accounts. The process is a pain even with all the documentation I have (just trying to show u it can get much worse, and do not get me started on how job opportunities look like for a Zimbabwean. I do have a job but it was not easy landing it)

2. Identify your needs and separate them from WANTS.

- Someone in this thread mentioned it. You imagine living in a 4x4 and that seems more like a fantasy buddy not what u really need. What you really need is stability and consider a potential family. Would they be comfortable living in a van?

3. Life does get worse buddy.... refer back to point 1.

- Sometimes we do not land the job of our dreams but what is important is what do u do with what u got. I have South African friends that work for minimum wage and still commute and find a way to make it work. Giving up and turning to SUICIDE is not the way man. It is actually a **** way of giving up. MAN up bro... You can fight. Life was never meant to be easy for a man anyway.

4. You think you have gone through a lot @ 30 years old? come on man

- I believe you are still waaaaaaaaaaaaay too young to be looking at life like that. I started working for money when i was around 14 and worked for money for my education. I paid for University fees myself and boy.... do not get me started on how expensive universities are. Sadly, in Zim scholarships and bursaries are not easy to come by. If you think life has been challenging right now, wait till you have a wife and kid. I have friends who have kids and a wife and it is a hustle bud. Change your mindset, talk to someone, do whatever, but you are still too young to be thinking that u have gone through a lot.

5. A hint of laziness?

- Dude you had jobs. do you know how many people are jobless and would do anything to earn money legally. I am telling from a Zimbabwean perspective, people will do anything to land any job. To be honest. i detected a hint of laziness. I have seen people working for R2000 rands a month but they made it work by cutting down unnecessary stuff and prioritizing the important stuff. Complaining about something you can not change is not good. I work 12 to 14 hours a day Monday to Sunday. When i finish, i will be super exhausted, do i like the job? no. Is the salary good? NO. I take comfort in knowing that it could have been worse. So i work with what i have and try my best to do something productive with what i get. You should too.
Click to expand...
Please keep in mind that there is a lot that I have left out.
 
ngoni615 said:
I would like to come with a somewhat different approach but similar to the other points mentioned in this article.

1. If you think you have it worse, remember others have it much worse than you. Others have been jobless for a long time mate. Still are, begging for money in the streets. They do not even have the luxury to afford rentals at their family's place.

- I am not downplaying your situation but take it from me, as a Zimbabwean bud, things really do get much worse. I sometimes live in fear of xenophobia especially here in KZN. I struggle sometimes to sort out basic stuff like bank accounts. The process is a pain even with all the documentation I have (just trying to show u it can get much worse, and do not get me started on how job opportunities look like for a Zimbabwean. I do have a job but it was not easy landing it)
Click to expand...

I just don't think this is helpful. There is ALWAYS someone worse off.

Somewhere out there, there is an orphan with no arms or legs and no-one to scratch their itchy ballsack. This doesn't mean that what Ray03 is going through is irrelevant or he should stop complaining.

Everyone walks their own path, and you really can't compare. More to the point, comparing people's lives helps no-one. It won't make Ray03 "feel better".


ngoni615 said:
3. Life does get worse buddy.... refer back to point 1.

- Sometimes we do not land the job of our dreams but what is important is what do u do with what u got. I have South African friends that work for minimum wage and still commute and find a way to make it work. Giving up and turning to SUICIDE is not the way man. It is actually a **** way of giving up. MAN up bro... You can fight. Life was never meant to be easy for a man anyway.

4. You think you have gone through a lot @ 30 years old? come on man

- I believe you are still waaaaaaaaaaaaay too young to be looking at life like that. I started working for money when i was around 14 and worked for money for my education. I paid for University fees myself and boy.... do not get me started on how expensive universities are. Sadly, in Zim scholarships and bursaries are not easy to come by. If you think life has been challenging right now, wait till you have a wife and kid. I have friends who have kids and a wife and it is a hustle bud. Change your mindset, talk to someone, do whatever, but you are still too young to be thinking that u have gone through a lot.
Click to expand...

I don't think you understand the damage that trauma can do. Having a wife and kids is actually a good thing. It is demanding and stressful, but comes with its rewards.

But if you have been through trauma, as Ray probably has, you might find it difficult to find someone to get married to. This is because it becomes difficult to relate to people.

Having a wife and kids is challenging - going through trauma is deadly. Literally. It kills. Why do you think people who have been through trauma have such a high suicide rate?
 
Ancalagon said:
I just don't think this is helpful. There is ALWAYS someone worse off.

Somewhere out there, there is an orphan with no arms or legs and no-one to scratch their itchy ballsack. This doesn't mean that what Ray03 is going through is irrelevant or he should stop complaining.

Everyone walks their own path, and you really can't compare. More to the point, comparing people's lives helps no-one. It won't make Ray03 "feel better".




I don't think you understand the damage that trauma can do. Having a wife and kids is actually a good thing. It is demanding and stressful, but comes with its rewards.

But if you have been through trauma, as Ray probably has, you might find it difficult to find someone to get married to. This is because it becomes difficult to relate to people.

Having a wife and kids is challenging - going through trauma is deadly. Literally. It kills. Why do you think people who have been through trauma have such a high suicide rate?
Click to expand...
The point is to toughen him up. Telling him all the nicest things will probably not help much, iam sure he has a lot of people who are telling him the same.
 
Ray03 said:
Please keep in mind that there is a lot that I have left out.
Click to expand...
I hear you but you have to fight bro. As a man you should never quit bro. Never quit on life on anything. fight until you get what you want (legally of course)
 
ngoni615 said:
The point is to toughen him up. Telling him all the nicest things will probably not help much, iam sure he has a lot of people who are telling him the same.
Click to expand...

I just don't think telling someone to toughen up is helpful.

My point of view is that there are things you can do to build mental toughness. Yes, being tough is good. Being resilient is good.

But how does he get there? What does he need to do, to build toughness? How does he recover?

Right now, he is in a very dark place. How does he get from there, to where he wants to be? "Just toughen up" doesn't help him. It's the end goal, but you haven't actually told him how he can do it.

What does he need to do, to become tougher? What habits can he adopt? How can he change his thinking?
 
Ancalagon said:
I just don't think telling someone to toughen up is helpful.

My point of view is that there are things you can do to build mental toughness. Yes, being tough is good. Being resilient is good.

But how does he get there? What does he need to do, to build toughness? How does he recover?

Right now, he is in a very dark place. How does he get from there, to where he wants to be? "Just toughen up" doesn't help him. It's the end goal, but you haven't actually told him how he can do it.

What does he need to do, to become tougher? What habits can he adopt? How can he change his thinking?
Click to expand...
Well seeking professional help might/might not help seeing he has to pay which in turn would bring about the issue of money and employment. What he can try to do is get out of his comfort zone and try something new. How about moving out? he is already paying 5k rent at his parent's house and he can get a decent place for less than that amount. Sometimes he needs that independence and see life from a whole new perspective.
 
ngoni615 said:
Well seeking professional help might/might not help seeing he has to pay which in turn would bring about the issue of money and employment. What he can try to do is get out of his comfort zone and try something new. How about moving out? he is already paying 5k rent at his parent's house and he can get a decent place for less than that amount. Sometimes he needs that independence and see life from a whole new perspective.
Click to expand...

I didn't say professional help, I just said a plan. Reading books, meditating, asking for advice, broadening his horizons, but something. "toughen up" is nothing.

I'd only move out if I had a job personally.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top
Sign up to the MyBroadband newsletter
X