My New Year started with me being thrown out of a car by a white guy I had met earlier that day and I must admit that, as awful as it sounds, it was exciting because, once again, I was defending myself. Besides, when I asked him for a lift I had no clue it would be in a Tazz.
I figure the rest of 2010 is going to be as full of drama.
“Then you wonder why you don’t have a man,” says you know who.
She has a point, because I was recently chatting to a male friend who was telling me that most of the men he has met think I am vile and should be shut up and they would never come near me for fear I will write about them.
“What you should do in 2010 is change your ways. Be a lady and maybe you too will score.”
This is how, she tells me:
Remember that a man is always right, especially if he is white.
Do you honestly think we would have such a developed South Africa if it were not for the white man?
Speak only when spoken to as men are far more interesting and you could learn a thing or two from them. Remember, it’s the white man who climbs mountains and explores foreign lands so, as a race, they know what they are talking about.
Never participate during sex.
Rather lie there like a mannequin. Men, especially the white ones with small baby penises, don’t like a woman who is too wild in bed as that shows that she’s had loads of experience and could give them an STD.
Always clean up after a man to show him that you are domesticated and would make a suitable wife.
This is also a good opportunity for you to show that you were raised well. Besides, as a black woman you won’t look odd in overalls scrubbing the floor.
It’s expected and the great thing about our dark complexions is that dirt is not so visible, so you could clean for days, really.
Remember that the white people were generous enough to give us missionaries to teach us English, so if you haven’t yet mastered the language do make an effort during the World Cup.
Remember that a bird is what you find in a tree and a bed is what most folk sleep on. Please don’t embarrass yourself in front of the whites after everything they’ve done for us.
For the love of all of us virgins please do not sell sex to foreigners this June. Rather play hard to get ’cos then you will seem like a lady.
Actually, with all these pasty white men who will disturb our peace for a couple of months, I would suggest that you sell it for a high price.
Look, if you are going to sleep with a white man, remember they smell funny, have no bum, sport miniature penises and are usually unwashed, so you’d better make some money out of it.
Hell, you are beautiful, brown and on your continent.
These people are here for a short period but I bet you South Africans will be bullied and discriminated against as these loud and obnoxious mostly uneducated yobs descend here for the World Cup.
They will be given preference at restaurants, ill-treat our people, go around pinching black children’s cheeks as if it’s a visit to the zoo and make condescending remarks such as: “I can’t believe how human-like these blacks are.”
Wow, my friend is insane.
Now you know why I get thrown out of cars.
fast forward 2 adverts on telly tonight and you have 4 minutes extra 
