Living with a Toxic Parent?

[skeptic_SA]

Sorry Ali... Didn't have "Toxicity issues" with my folks. But was Dad was remote and aloof. Turned that negative into a life lesson of how not to treat my daughter. (Fat load of good its doing me now since the divorce). But when I was still with her every day - my memories of how my Dad was with us as kids - only served to resolve me and make me a better dad.

Sorry I got nothing more constructive. I guess my point is: Use this as a life lesson and grow personally from it. You probably wont change her. You wont wish her straight. She's how she is because of her life experiences. Take steps to make the improvements in yourself that you dream of from her.

 

[Rocket-Boy]

I find it horrific even remotely that my little one has to grow up in this environment..

This is not how things were supposed to be...

Are you not able to move to a place of your own and be away from that?
What about your husbands family? surely they would want to be involved with their grandchild?

 

[battmann]

I find it horrific even remotely that my little one has to grow up in this environment..

This is not how things were supposed to be...

You are right.
Any form of manipulation and control that your mom uses against you is wrong. Unless you are a delinquent and she is trying to save you from yourself.
How old are you if I may ask, and can you afford to live on your own?

 

[AliCatS]

When life finally decides to resolve my husbands death I will get a life insurance policy that will allow me to do that. But police have very specifically stated that this can take up to 8 years.

My in law family only sees the good side to my mom. And I can't find it in me to tell them differently because it will look bad that I talk of my own mother in this manner.

For now I need to find ways to manage the situation I am in.. I was just wondering if anybody had pointers..

 

[BradleyKZN]

My question comes yet again from a very deep and dark place. as some of you may know my husband passed away when I was 7 months pregnant. But now when I needed my mom the most at a hospital visit and the doctor was waiting for the heart specialist to see my little one and I asked my mom to stay there for me, her response was clear. It was more important for her to go home and cook my dad a meal than be there for me when I needed her.

Things like she needs to know my salary so she can plan her month around me. She refuses to let me see my friends. When me and little one go sleep over at friends I go home to emotional abuse because how could I. She would use little one against me. I am not allowed time off. Even though I try and break away a little bit it causes more trouble than going for a night out. And oh yes. How could I not help her clean the kitchen at 5 ****ing am...

I find it horrific even remotely that my little one has to grow up in this environment..

This is not how things were supposed to be...

Have you explained to your mother that this kind of environment is bad for the child?
I hate to say this, but you might need to use your child against your mother.

 

[Mike Hoxbig]

When life finally decides to resolve my husbands death I will get a life insurance policy that will allow me to do that. But police have very specifically stated that this can take up to 8 years.

My in law family only sees the good side to my mom. And I can't find it in me to tell them differently because it will look bad that I talk of my own mother in this manner.

For now I need to find ways to manage the situation I am in.. I was just wondering if anybody had pointers..

What sort of work do you do? Isn't it possible to find work that will allow you to move out?

I don't mean to sound harsh without knowing the facts, and it does seem like you're in a bit of a pickle, but you can't use the baby and your husband's death as an excuse to not do anything about your situation. Don't rely on life insurance policies and fool yourself into believing that you have to put up with it for 8 more years, you need to go about it as if he didn't have one. It's a crap situation but you need to take charge of your and your baby's lives for the best of both of you...

 

[maumau]

As asked before Ali, how old are you and what job do you do?

 

[Baxteen]

you already know where I come from and what I did. the same man saved us both from toxic parents and helped us onto our feet.

I know a lot more detail then the rest of the forum, so I wont contribute, but as always, our doors are open when you need a break.

 

[Cius]

Watching a toxic relationship unfold now with someone close to me and its horrible to see. In this case it looks like the situation will end soon via the death of the toxic ones (they are really old) but its hard to watch. People can have huge hangups in old age and it can devastate their relationships with kid/grandkids.

 

[halfmoonforever]

Has any of us survived a toxic parent?

mmmm, if there weren't any survivors, you'd get no response...?

offing yourself just because your parent(s) are screwed in the head is no way out.

 

[AliCatS]

What sort of work do you do? Isn't it possible to find work that will allow you to move out?

I don't mean to sound harsh without knowing the facts, and it does seem like you're in a bit of a pickle, but you can't use the baby and your husband's death as an excuse to not do anything about your situation. Don't rely on life insurance policies and fool yourself into believing that you have to put up with it for 8 more years, you need to go about it as if he didn't have one. It's a crap situation but you need to take charge of your and your baby's lives for the best of both of you...

Hi..

I am making the plans to continue on my life. Even then my plans of study and changing jobs will take another year. Currently the only hope I have left is in the mythical area of that life insurance. As weird as it sounds. For now I need coping techniques until my life changes again.

 

[AliCatS]

As asked before Ali, how old are you and what job do you do?

I am 25 working as a receptionist (job after 11 months at home) and creditors (which I love doing)

 

[Emjay]

AliCatS, I am sorry to hear about your predicament. Your story sounds very tragic.

There are many forms of abuse. The article you linked is not really the reason you are suffering. The article discusses things a parent can do to their child, but does not discuss the underlying causes. Your mom sounds like an unpleasant person. I am sorry about saying that. You love her, and care for her, so it must have been hard coming to this realization.

You probably think you are going crazy, and can't understand why you are going through what you are. The reasons won't be apparent, and you feel something is off. If you feel something like that, you are probably being gas-lighted. If you are, you cannot control it. It is what it is. The best way to deal with that kind of behaviour is to disengage. You can read up more around the internet on this type of abuse to assess your situation a bit more accurately.

You however need to keep your confidence and recognize your mother is trying to break you down, for your sake and that of your daughter's. Your financial predicament is stopping you from moving out. You need to provide for your daughter first and foremost, so you are going to have to shield your daughter and try keep your cool. Don't blow up, don't fight or don't be critical with your mother. You can try talk to your mother about it, but I suspect it will only temporarily halt the issues. If you do approach her, be sure to stay calm and to the point. If your mom is mentally abusing you, you will feed into her problem. She is craving a reaction. She will use anything to trigger you. The best way to prepare for it is to expect her to come at you. Your mom may not even be doing it intentionally, but I have come across personalities that are naturally abusive or exploitative.

You need to make a plan to get out of your environment as you cannot sustain this long term. Sustaining this mentally for a long period of time will not be possible as you will be constantly fighting off depression.

To get you through this period, seek out friends who you can talk to you about this. Or even go to counselling. It sounds extreme, but if your mother is mentally abusing you, you need someone rational to talk things through. I am not religious, but if you are, a lot of churches have counselling or social programs you could get involved in.

Strength to you.

 

[schuits]

I trying to stand in her mom's shoes for a second.
Perhaps your mom is trying to protect you from further harm?
In her eyes she failed to protect her baby from the things that have happened, and now she's trying to compensate by shielding you from the world?
Perhaps she didn't agree with some of your life choices, and wants you to be more like her.
By breaking you down she can make you rely on her, and keep you in a situation where she can control your life and protect you.
Perhaps she has some hidden animosity toward you because you're trying to break out of a cycle that she is trapped in in her life.
..,just thinking out aloud.

 

[AliCatS]

I trying to stand in her mom's shoes for a second.
Perhaps your mom is trying to protect you from further harm?
In her eyes she failed to protect her baby from the things that have happened, and now she's trying to compensate by shielding you from the world?
Perhaps she didn't agree with some of your life choices, and wants you to be more like her.
By breaking you down she can make you rely on her, and keep you in a situation where she can control your life and protect you.
Perhaps she has some hidden animosity toward you because you're trying to break out of a cycle that she is trapped in in her life.
..,just thinking out aloud.

Unfortunately she has been this way since long before I first left home and was the reason I left the first time..

But fair enough.

 

[AliCatS]

AliCatS, I am sorry to hear about your predicament. Your story sounds very tragic.

There are many forms of abuse. The article you linked is not really the reason you are suffering. The article discusses things a parent can do to their child, but does not discuss the underlying causes. Your mom sounds like an unpleasant person. I am sorry about saying that. You love her, and care for her, so it must have been hard coming to this realization.

You probably think you are going crazy, and can't understand why you are going through what you are. The reasons won't be apparent, and you feel something is off. If you feel something like that, you are probably being gas-lighted. If you are, you cannot control it. It is what it is. The best way to deal with that kind of behaviour is to disengage. You can read up more around the internet on this type of abuse to assess your situation a bit more accurately.

You however need to keep your confidence and recognize your mother is trying to break you down, for your sake and that of your daughter's. Your financial predicament is stopping you from moving out. You need to provide for your daughter first and foremost, so you are going to have to shield your daughter and try keep your cool. Don't blow up, don't fight or don't be critical with your mother. You can try talk to your mother about it, but I suspect it will only temporarily halt the issues. If you do approach her, be sure to stay calm and to the point. If your mom is mentally abusing you, you will feed into her problem. She is craving a reaction. She will use anything to trigger you. The best way to prepare for it is to expect her to come at you. Your mom may not even be doing it intentionally, but I have come across personalities that are naturally abusive or exploitative.

You need to make a plan to get out of your environment as you cannot sustain this long term. Sustaining this mentally for a long period of time will not be possible as you will be constantly fighting off depression.

To get you through this period, seek out friends who you can talk to you about this. Or even go to counselling. It sounds extreme, but if your mother is mentally abusing you, you need someone rational to talk things through. I am not religious, but if you are, a lot of churches have counselling or social programs you could get involved in.

Strength to you.

Thank YOU!!

 

[schuits]

Unfortunately she has been this way since long before I first left home and was the reason I left the first time..

But fair enough.

Well that just sux then.