Please give me some advice

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koeks525

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Hi MyBroadband Forumites,

I figured since many people post here their personal issues, and that I trust this forum more than most people, I thought to post my problem here. Please do not judge me; I just want to know what you think and what I can or should do.

So, I am 19 at the moment. I see myself as anti-social now, (I barely have any friends). I have known for a while now that I am gay. I made a new friend a couple of days ago, he seems to be the kind of person I would want in my life, to help me build my life. I feel the fact I do not know who I am anymore, it is starting to affect my life now (me avoiding people, caring what people say, etc). I know my parents are really religious and cultureous and they even said "Turn off the TV. Gays....sies man!" - this was to some TV Show where they were talking about issues with gays and acceptance and what not. I will deal with them at a later stage though.

Basically, over the last years (primary + high school) I had a really rough time in high school. I was unpopular (this doesn't worry me), people bullied me and made my life like hell. I kept these "walls" around me, I stayed inside them pretty much till the end of high school. I only made real friends when I got to my final year of high school. As a result, I really have this thing in me, that makes me avoid people. Anyway, back to the new friend I made. He is really cool, we spoke a lot, he made a lot of sense, and did mention a few useful pointers and all. One thing led to another, and I did "the deed" with him. It felt so good, and for that one time, I felt I was living life.

My problem is, I want to come out to my close friends first, but I sort of worry what their reaction will be and what their course of action is going to be. I do know that 2 of them said previously they would accept having a gay friend, the rest, I worry. So I ask MyBroadband Forumites, what is the best way of coming out to your friends? I know the question I ask may, or rather, sound really stupid asking such a question.

I know I should not give a rats ass on what society thinks about me, but I can't apply this rule to my life.

Please, MyBB Forumites, please give me some advice on how to sort out my messy life. Should I go see someone about my issues??

Thanks
 
You come first so be true to yourself. If others cannot accept you for who you are then so be it. Life is just to sort to worry about what others may or may not think and or to try an get everybody's approval for whom you are or aren't.

I was always under the impression that I had 'real' close friends but when the proverbial ***** went through the fan about a decade ago I was left standing there all by myself. The only person who was at my side through it all was my wife, even the family turned their backs on me.

You are not there to keep other people happy i.e. behave in a way that will please them. You will not be true/honest with yourself if you did and you will waste your life away trying to get the approval of others.

Its your life, live it.
 
I'm assuming you still rely on your parents to put food on the table? If yes that will limit your options severely from a practical PoV.
 
I don't see what the problem here is - just tell your friends that you are a homoseks, straight out. Arrange for a meetup somewhere, like a bar or a bistro or wherever and just straight out tell them. If they don't accept you the way you are, then they aren't your real friends and you don't need them in your life.

Oke and be careful who you call friends - I personally haven't had any real friends until I joined the military.
 
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I tend to agree with Havoc, if you rely on your folks to put food on the table and a roof over your head, you need to be circumspect in how you approach this whole thing, even with your friends.
 
Just say this:

[video=youtube;BnrEA_7lhq0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnrEA_7lhq0[/video]

/jk

Do you have the type of friends that will be very surprised if you tell them?
I always imagined the ideal situation would be just to live your life and not need to 'tell' anyone or 'come out'.
 
When I started working I had a "I don't give a f*** what you think" attitude and I still do. The fact that you earn a pay cheque gives you a lot of courage to go your own way and youou naturally start behaving more like yourself. That being said all emotions aside you need to study as you're still very young and should cement yourself with a decent education.
 
your friends probably already know.
It is true about being supported by your parents then it could make your life that much harder. I know you just want to tell everyone, but you need to prepare for the worst, I know some pretty harsh parents, and you dont want to be in that situation.

As for 'doing the deed' with a guy you just met a few days ago, be a bit cautious about casual sex at the moment.
You sound a little fragile at the moment, and something like that can make things worse. Rather just chill, enjoy each others company and take it easy.
 
Thanks for the feedback guys. I do have 1 or 2 friends that would be surprised at first hearing this, then I have another one (who is a real dumb-ass, don't even like him), he told me straight if I was gay he would not be my friend. Yes I am currently surviving on mommy and daddy money, hopefully if I do get a scholarship or something at some point in my life then I will not be in such a tight spot. The idea of meeting with friends at a bar, and just tell them straight out sounds like a cool idea.

Am I fragile? I don't know, maybe it's just how tight I am :( I would like to stop living so comfortably though. I know I am going to do quite a few things differently next year, hopefully these changes will sort of build up to my self, then fuel me with enough power to have the "I don't give a **** attitude". I do wish that you could just live normally, without telling people, but I do want at least people who actually cared for me to know.

I definitely will be careful who I call my friends, there was a time when **** hit the fan in my life, most people were against me, I only had like 3 or 4 friends there to support me.
 
If and when you come out to your friends do it casually and not some type of intervention thing where everyone sits and you make a big announcement. Just wait till you at a braai or something and just say "oh by the way, Im gay and no I wont make a move on you guys.

If they become distant then **** them(not literally) and move on. Then they were not your real friends to begin with.

I would say imho that it would be better to first tell your family. I dont think your parents would appreciate hearing this from other people.

But all in all, good luck and remember your happiness and wellbeing comes first.
 
I only had like 3 or 4 friends there to support me.
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There, these are the people you know that will accept you. Why go further than that?

When it comes up in conversation, casually mention that you’re gay. Finding out you’re gay isn’t going to be an earth-shattering event for them, and they may act weirdly around you if you try to make it a big thing. The fact is, straight people will never get what it feels like to come out. It’s just something they can’t relate to. So the best thing to do these days it to treat it as a non-issue. If you do that, most everyone else will follow your lead.

I have another one (who is a real dumb-ass, don't even like him), he told me straight if I was gay he would not be my friend.
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Then why hang with him or actually bother telling him or anyone you explicitly know will turn their backs on you? If you're that anti-social, I'm actually you can afford to cut ties - just gradually lose contact with them. Why include the irrelevant people, too?

Similar thread (I think)
http://mybroadband.co.za/vb/showthread.php?t=420548
 
What defines 'friendship' is they key question - I don't think the "Fck em if they don't accept" attitude is the premise you need to base your strategy off, as some allude to, it is not fair - friendship is essentially like any other relationship. I see you take cognisance of this too.

You don't want to lose these close friends, if it were me, I would be very sensitive to their feelings regarding gay relationships (whether they right or wrong different debate and topic), afford them the respect when telling them, as one poster alluded, make a concerted effort to show concern to their feelings when discuss this straight-out.

Friendships are not disposable commodities, make the effort from your side first - if they consequently take issue with your sexuality, then move on, no grudges, it's probable they will come to their senses and accept you, in time.

Some may argue that these were not really friends from the outset if they cant accept who you are now - I don't agree.
 
The most important thing is being true to yourself throughout this.

You and you alone know the best way to discuss this with your mates.

We will always expect their reactions to be way worse than we imagine, like if you tell them they will run a mile holding tight onto their genitals.

Guess what it ain't that bad, some will accept and some will not.

You can't expect all of them to accept you although all that has changed is that you dig guys.

Once you tell them you need to give them space in order to digest the news.

I told one of my best friends of over 28 years by simply saying we should go for a walk.

While walking and chatting I simply said, "hey guess what, I dig guys". His reaction was, he stopped walking gave me a big hug and said, "I still love you mate"

Be strong and all will go well.
 
My advice. Endure. It will be hard but once you established yourself as an adult with an income (or tertiary education) then make a move to be your true self.

Its easy for people to say "dont give a damn about what society thinks" but society is important. Homosexuals still have it tough from peer acceptance to family acceptance. If you are dependent on your parents then just keep it to yourself especially if they are anti homosexual. If they feed you and house and plan to pay for your tertiary education then take advantage of that.

Once you established you can tell them the truth then see what happens but at least you know you will be able to live on your own if it goes badly.

Good luck sir

EDIT:

for friends I'd also be careful about telling them. Choose wisely. Gossip travels far and fast

I cant imagine what you must be going through so if my advice seems insensitive i humbly apologise. Makes me sad and angry when people treat others badly or different because they are different. At the end of the day we are all just ordinary people
 
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So you joined the Brownies most people don't give a shyte what you do with your life
 
As some have said, if you're dependent on your parents and you don't believe that they will take it well then, seriously, wait until you are in a position where you can support yourself or have someone in your life who is prepared to support you should the **** hit the fan.

At the end of the day it's important that you are honest with yourself--the rest will sort itself out in time. But don't put yourself in a position where your life, your future, your hopes and your dreams end up in peril. To be perfectly blunt, you don't want to end up as another suicide statistic because you were cast out into the street.

If you ever feel like a chat send me a PM.
 
Thanks everyone. Reading through this thread does make me feel better. I just wish that gay/lesbian people were treated the same as your straight people. I really, really wish I could tell my parents but knowing that they religious and all, it makes me worry. As with friends, I will definitely be careful with who I tell first, I had a friend who said openly he does not have a problem with gay people, so I will start with him :).

I feel like the fact I have had to hide who I really am, has put me in this darkness now, I don't even know what it means to live. Its like as if I was just drifting along because I have to. My new buddy said the same thing - that once I can support myself I should spill the beans. I really wish I had the do not care attitude. I told myself next year I am definitely joining the LGBTI society at my varsity, perhaps that will actually help me build a lot of confidence :)

I'm not even sure of telling my sister, I have a feeling that won't end well for me. Life really can be a bitch :cry:
 
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koeks525 said:
I just wish that gay/lesbian people were treated the same as your straight people.
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You'll learn that everyone has a problem, some just to a lesser or greater degree than others. Sometimes it's your skin colour; other times it's your gender, your beliefs or even the person you want to be with. In your case, you're gay.

You'll stop feeling sorry for yourself when you can be honest with yourself and finally surround yourself with people who are good and kind to you and accept you for who you are.

It'll happen eventually.

Life really can be a bitch :cry:
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Yup, but it's not the end of the world.

You're just in a position where you feel vulnerable right now. Again, it'll pass in time and when you have a solid foundation around you.

Just don't be stupid--your family would rather find it out from you than from third-parties. And while you don't "owe" them anything as such, I feel it's important that you tell them one day. But you need to do what you feel is right; when you feel it's right.
 
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