How do I tell people that...

Hey Everyone, I don't know if this is the correct section on the forums but here goes.

I am new to the forums and I have actually been meaning to sign up for a while now but things have been rather busy.

So I just turned 18 and have been slowly but surely gathering up enough courage to tell people (friends, family -parents) that I am Gay.

I was wondering how to go about it, I am pretty freaking nervous if I have to be honest with you guys on the forums.

I am definitely not the "feminine" kind of gay, and no one has suspected (none that I know of) about me being Gay.

I have known since I was about 10 and have no doubt that I am gay, I've had a large amount of time to think about it.

My friends are a combo of guys and girls, I have never dated in my life because of my major confusion, I don't even know if I'll manage to date this year, well you know I have to get through matric first.

I have prepared for myself for the hate that I know some where along the line I'm going to get. I am not too sure how my parents will react, there aren't haters on the whole gay lifestyle but they have never really ever said their feelings towards it either. This is most likely one of the biggest things I have ever done, but I cannot keep it in anymore, I'm feeling trapped and I can't find a way to stop thinking about it.

I don't plan on telling anyone at school, except for my close friends and maybe one or 2 teachers...

In a way I have been thinking about putting it off until the end of the year, if I could just maybe matriculate and get out, I could start fresh in university?

Okay to summarize everything I've said: I'm ****ing scared, how do I tell people I'm gay.

I know some of you guys on the forum might hate on this thread, but please try and understand that everyone is different, I know I might get a few hate posts on how wrong this is but I feel that I needed to find some source of help.

Thanks everyone
Davey

GL man - however you go about it.

It's sad that coming out is still such a big deal in this day and age.

Remember - people may not understand or want to understand. Don't mistake their ignorant judgement for hate. They'll come around. If not, don't let it break your stride.

My advice: Men find love, attraction & intimacy through sex. Man on Man = Intimacy.

Woman find intimacy through communication.

Are you really sure that you are gay? Or are you confusing the act of being intimate with another man as "correct and right"" ?

No I'm not judging you, but you need to be sure of what you decide and which path in life to take.

Hi Davey

Some of my friends were in your situation and they found it best to rather come out in the beginning of university since (even in matric) people can still be very immature with these things in matric. When you read this please realise that the university I go to is UCT (read gay friendly)

If you do come out in matric, keep it descrete, only with people you trust. A rumour is enough to let it snowball out of hand and like it or not people might tease you or look at it differently.

Good Luck man, this isnt an exact science but im sure you will tell everyone when the time is right.

@tera it doesnt really sound like that, hes known his sexual orientation since before his teens... dont you think hes had alot of time to flesh out the feelings in his mind?

teraside said:

My advice: Men find love, attraction & intimacy through sex. Man on Man = Intimacy.

Woman find intimacy through communication.

Are you really sure that you are gay? Or are you confusing the act of being intimate with another man as "correct and right"" ?

No I'm not judging you, but you need to be sure of what you decide and which path in life to take.

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Thanks for your concern I know for sure, I'm not physically or mentally attracted to a female. I can tell you that for sure

CrazYmonkeY159 said:

Some of my friends were in your situation and they found it best to rather come out in the beginning of university since (even in matric) people can still be very immature with these things in matric. When you read this please realise that the university I go to is UCT (read gay friendly)

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Solid point. If school is anything today like it was when I attended, I'd also say postpone.

CrazYmonkeY159 said:

Some of my friends were in your situation and they found it best to rather come out in the beginning of university since (even in matric) people can still be very immature with these things in matric. When you read this please realise that the university I go to is UCT (read gay friendly)

If you do come out in matric, keep it discrete, only with people you trust. A rumour is enough to let it snowball out of hand and like it or not people might tease you or look at it differently.

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+1.

It's going to be a long year though...

Maybe go to some gay friendly places in JHB to make sure, as it were, as per teraside. Should be fun and give you more confidence when you decide to come out.

GL.

CrazYmonkeY159 said:

@tera it doesnt really sound like that, hes known his sexual orientation since before his teens... dont you think hes had alot of time to flesh out the feelings in his mind?

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Not IMHO. early 20's possibly, but not at 18.

Rather wait till your finished with Matric.

teraside said:

Are you really sure that you are gay? Or are you confusing the act of being intimate with another man as "correct and right"" ?

No I'm not judging you, but you need to be sure of what you decide and which path in life to take.

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I think the man knows he is gay, and has already decided "which path in life to take."
Davey, I say good on you for at least trying to come out, instead of just hiding like a coward, or worse, living a lie.

The same happens to us Atheists as well, it's very hard to tell anyone, especially in this country (Being an atheist or being Gay) with the bigoted, older generation we have.

I would say don't tell anyone in school yet - wait till university - people are much more open minded and grown up than school kids.
As for family/friends - I would say "Gradually" give them the idea that you are gay, and then one day tell them - DON'T just do it without warning without them having ANY idea.


I've read many stories of parents kicking their children out of the house when they "come out" as being Atheist, and i'm sure it could happen too if you are gay and you have fundamentalist christian parents or something, so maybe it might be a good idea to wait until you are on your own feet and self sufficient? If you think your parents are very loving/more casual, you probably don't have to wait that long to tell them though.

*Sorry for using Atheism as a comparison, It's the only way I could relate, but I think the situation is similar.

Davey said:

Thanks for your concern I know for sure, I'm not physically or mentally attracted to a female. I can tell you that for sure

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Which makes my point. You aren't attracted to women, because you are used to being intimate with men. The intimacy is the reason you are choosing a gay lifestyle. Straight men, like myself are intimate with women through communication and sex, but through different emotions and actions.

All I'm saying is not to confuse intimacy with love and affection, it's not the same.

Occie might be able to give you some really good advice on this though, I'll PM him to check the thread out.

Probably best to listen to the advice of Occie and his minions over the brain-farts of a fundamentalist christian renowned on this forum for being a bit of a closet-gay-basher.

All the best. Two of my mates over the years have "come out" and what they did was garner support from a family member and a friend before dropping the bombshell. The second copied the first's strategy. Seemed to work quite well...

You say haven't dated but have you got down and dirty with a dude yet with no drugs involved?

DJ... said:

Probably best to listen to the advice of Occie and his minions over the brain-farts of a fundamentalist christian renowned on this forum for being a bit of a closet-gay-basher.

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I've never been a gay basher, but you are a liar, since your statement is untrue.

It's not my life, the OP can choose what to do. I'm just here to share the facts of the equation of why men and women choose to live the way they do.

mmm well, coming out is a very personal thing...and at the end of the day...only you can decide when and how is right for your circumstance. I told only my 4 closest friends..3 girls and a boy. My one teacher found out by accident by reading a letter I wrote to my sister in one of my work books, forgot to tear it out and handed it in to be marked!! Next day the principal called out my name while standing in rows and asked that I come see her in her office before going to class. My damn teacher blabbed on me. She said that she is fine with me being gay...but she is worried though that I am in the boys wing of the hostel. My words to her was "Moet nie bekommerd wees nie, ek hou van ouer mans"! hahaha...well not exactly that...but wanted to. Just told her that she has got nothing to fear.

Next day after that, the "koshuisvader"...dont know what that is in English, assigned me my own room instead of sharing the Std 8 dorm with the others. I did not complain though...I LOVED HAVING MY OWN ROOM!!!! hehe.

My mom I told when I turned 16 and she took me for a fancy dinner. I souped her up with a bottle or two of JC le Roux and when I saw that the eyes are getting a bit droopy I started throwing very subtle hints. She eventually stripped her moer and said "As jy iets wil se...SE DIT!" And so I came out with it. She started crying...paid the bill and we went home. She did not speak to me for about 2 days I think and then on the 3rd...she came to me....gave me a big hug and said that she is sorry and she was just a bit shocked and finding out that your only son turns out to be the second gay child (my sister came out a year or two before me) is a bit of a whopper.

And so...that is my story. Thing to remember is that people and parents are different. Some parents might react shocked and be sad, some might react violently, some will say whatever and give you a beer. Only you will know how yours might react...and thus you should seek out the right time and place. In any case...most parents dont want to have gay children for two reasons...they most likely know it aint a easy life...and can be a lonely life also sometimes (I am rather antisocial so could just be me lol hehe)...but also it could signal the end of their dreams for grand children. So, just take into account that they have dreams for you..and it will be a sad occasion for them...so handle them with care too.

OC...over and out.

xoxoxoxoxox

teraside said:

Not IMHO. early 20's possibly, but not at 18.

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Trust me...if you know you gay..then you know. I too knew from a very early age. Now stop brain washing our new recruits! TSEK!

You have to do this gradually

First ... buy a iPhone
2nd ... start supporting the Blue Bulls


but seriously...wait till you're done with Matric.

ocleroux said:

Trust me...if you know you gay..then you know. I too knew from a very early age. Now stop brain washing our new recruits! TSEK!

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I said IMHO. TSEK jy man!

koshuisvader = housemaster.