Relationship help thread...

[SaoirseB]

Women who make claims for most women are idiots or trolls. Which are you?

Men and their fragile little egos. Like I said they're not the majority, but I'm sure there must be women out there like that. So relax, you're not completely useless.

 

[registerforfree]

I was also thinking the same thing until I saw his explanation. I think he was just carried away by the silly advice the men here are giving him about not letting himself become her b-tch.

That's the worrying thing, isn't it? Peer pressure is super-real, and super-dangerous. Imagine if he'd just had a discussion with his worried new girlfriend while all carried away with selfish male gung-ho ... it would have ended only one way, and where would the people here have been to mend his broken heart?

Oh that's right, real men don't suffer broken hearts...

Uh, this gay guy thinks you two are ****ing terrible. His gender is irrelevant. Any time a potential relationship partner starts playing jealous little mind games and the other partner just acquiesces to it, the latter partner shows that he/she is the bitch in the relationship and can safely be walked over.

You don't start a relationship by making someone feel jealous about joking around with their friends and then expect them to come crawling back to you like a beaten dog.

Not that I know why I'm even trying to talk to you. One of you thinks all men are liars.

 

[registerforfree]

Men and their fragile little egos. Like I said they're not the majority, but I'm sure there must be women out there like that. So relax, you're not completely useless.

Citation, please.

 

[Nick333]

Men and their fragile little egos. Like I said they're not the majority, but I'm sure there must be women out there like that. So relax, you're not completely useless.

So, troll then.

 

[ShaunSA]

From his post they have been chatting for about a week and had a shag... No where does it mention gf

One week and a shag and here we are 11 pages later.

If people would only accept that a shag is a shag and not start walking off into the sunset one week in it would save a lot of heartache.

 

[SaoirseB]

Uh, this gay guy thinks you two are ****ing terrible. His gender is irrelevant. Any time a potential relationship partner starts playing jealous little mind games and the other partner just acquiesces to it, the latter partner shows that he/she is the bitch in the relationship and can safely be walked over.

You don't start a relationship by making someone feel jealous about joking around with their friends and then expect them to come crawling back to you like a beaten dog.

Not that I know why I'm even trying to talk to you. One of you thinks all men are liars.

That's fine. No one cares what someone they don't know on the internet thinks of them. But as a gay man, I would have thought you of all people would have been the one to see the problem here.

Random Hero sleeps over at his new girlfriends dorm:

1. HE decides to show her an innocent conversation, but accidentally shows his conversation with another friend where he is mocking girls who were interested in him. NOTE: she never went sneaking on his cellphone. HE made the mistake of showing her the wrong conversation
2. He snatches the phone away when he realizes his mistake.

Said girl rightly gets upset, because what makes her think he isn't going to or wouldn't do the same to her. She questions his trustworthiness as any sane human would and she gets called names for it. She's now the sneaky controlling b-tch snooping on his phone.

Random Hero even gets advice to tell her she's not the only one who can get his dick wet and we're the ones who make you sick? Your sickness barometer is way off. You need to hand back your gay card and join all the straight ladies men here who've been with thousands of women and know women more than even they know themselves.

 

[Electric]

I did a lie detector test for my wife.
We have a very good relationship.

Everything is not always as black and white as some of you make it seem.

 

[ShaunSA]

I did a lie detector test for my wife.
We have a very good relationship.

Everything is not always as black and white as some of you make it seem.

Yes there are always shades of gay in-between

What was the lie detector test for btw? Before I decide if I would have done it or said her to eff off

 

[Ancalagon]

You do know that's not what I was talking about when I emphasised the need to communicate? lol

There is a difference between two people having different interests (e.g. her watching 'girly' movies) and one person begging the other to do something, and the other refusing purely on the principle that they feel they'll be weaker if they agree (even worse when they don't actually have a real reason not to agree).

I honestly don't see all the men here claiming that they will do what they want, and never mind what their girlfriends/wives think; being happy if their girlfriend/wife uses the same attitude on them.

To take this to a psychological level, we DO something because it gives us pleasure. In a deep relationship, however, you can easily start gaining pleasure from giving your partner pleasure (and I'm not - just - talking sexually), to a point where this starts to off-set your own loss of independence by having to compromise. Sometimes (to use your example) if that husband had just stayed home when his wife asked (because she was feeling lonely), they'd have had an amazing dinner together and watched a wonderful movie; compared to him going out and leaving her to sulk, and coming back to a cold and bitter home.

Is the latter a victory for the man, especially one great enough to balance out the victory for the couple that the former is?

One can debate relationships for years, but really you just have to live them to figure them out.

I used to think I was a nice guy. I did everything I could for my girlfriends. Absolutely anything I could do. I never said no, even when I didn't feel like it. There was never a favour that was too much. I was the ultimate nice guy, the "best" boyfriend I thought I could be.

But I wasn't confident, and that is why I was so nice. I thought that if I did all these things for my girlfriends (talking about the past, only dated one girl at a time), that they would love me. That I could buy their affection by doing things for them and being nice to them. I had no self esteem.

There are many, many problems with being like this. The first problem is that women do not respect a man who does not stand up for himself. He even needs to stand up to her. Women will test a man to make sure he has the balls to say no to her. If you cannot stand up to a girl, how could you possibly protect a girl? You will get walked over your entire life until you learn to stand up for yourself.

The second problem is that in a lot of cases, I was not happy. But I didn't say anything. I would spend entire weekends with her family, hating every minute, because I did not have the self esteem to say No, I don't want to do this. I went along with it because I did not want to rock the boat.

The third problem is that you are actually not being honest if you are super duper nice that like. An honest person would say, "You know what? Now is not really good for me. How about next week?" A dishonest person says, "Sure whatever you say" meanwhile they hate every minute.

I mistook having no self confidence and wanting to please everyone with being nice. The two are not the same.

I'm not saying the OP needs to be a dick to her and constantly put her down. Or "put her in her place". All he needs to do is be his own man, and not give in to those tests. She wants you to pass those tests, she wants you to have the strength to say no to her. She does not want a man she can control easily, believe it or not. In your example, if the wife never lets a man go out and have beers with his friends, he will start to resent her. I have seen it happen plenty of times. A couple still needs to be two separate people with separate lives. You cannot have a couple where they become joined at the hip. I have been a part of such a couple, and believe me, it becomes extremely unhealthy extremely quickly.

Can I just say this. You said very sensible things. You sound like a very level headed and mature man. I was very surprised when I realised you were a man.

Do you realize that is blatant sexism?

Well thanks SaoirseB, I think. It's so sad that anybody online who doesn't only say 'Women are just there to shag, hur hur hur' is immediately presumed to be a woman. As a man, I'm pretty ashamed by that indictment.

It hasn't been easy for me to recognise the negative aspects of masculinity that I've been raised into, and to try and address those. That really starts right from the basics ... like taking in the washing even when I'd rather watch TV, just because I actually DO recognise my wife was the person to hang it up on the line in the first place, and she's also tired. It's a bit of an eye-opener.

I don't know why you are apologising for being a man. All around us, men are being told that we are not necessary and that being a man is embarrassing.

Being a man is not embarrassing. Being a man is a good thing. Boys need fathers - ask me how I know. Nobody needs men to become like women. We just need men to be better men.

 

[Electric]

Yes there are always shades of gay in-between

What was the lie detector test for btw? Before I decide if I would have done it or said her to eff off

My wife had major trust issues a few years back; totally unfounded I might add.
I decided that it was easier for me to do the test than to continue to argue my infidelity.

In the end I believe it was the best decision to make.
There has been moments where I thought about it and got upset that it was ever expected of me or that I actually did it.
In the long run however, my relationship with her was more important than these issues.

 

[Nick333]

My wife had major trust issues a few years back; totally unfounded I might add.
I decided that it was easier for me to do the test than to continue to argue my infidelity.

In the end I believe it was the best decision to make.
There has been moments where I thought about it and got upset that it was ever expected of me or that I actually did it.
In the long run however, my relationship with her was more important than these issues.

Each to their own and I'm not judging but, personally I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't trust me.

 

[registerforfree]

Trust issues are one thing, but forcing your partner to do a lie detection test? Damn...

If it works for Electric, then I guess it's all good. But it still seems a bit extreme.

 

[Electric]

It may seem extreme and I fully agree at the time that it was not cool.
Did it change our relationship for the better?
Most definitely.

My wife does not have trust issues anymore so I don't really see it being a bad decision.
Sure it could have gone either way but the point is that life is not some strict set of rules that have to be followed.

 

[satanboy]

My wife had major trust issues a few years back; totally unfounded I might add.
I decided that it was easier for me to do the test than to continue to argue my infidelity.

In the end I believe it was the best decision to make.
There has been moments where I thought about it and got upset that it was ever expected of me or that I actually did it.
In the long run however, my relationship with her was more important than these issues.

Wouldn't it have been a hoot if you failed.

 

[Electric]

Wouldn't it have been a hoot if you failed.

I got 100% so it was never even a thought that I'd fail.

 

[Ancalagon]

I got 100% so it was never even a thought that I'd fail.

Polygraph tests are not reliable you know. So, in theory, you could have been honest and still failed.

 

[SaoirseB]

I used to think I was a nice guy. I did everything I could for my girlfriends. Absolutely anything I could do. I never said no, even when I didn't feel like it. There was never a favour that was too much. I was the ultimate nice guy, the "best" boyfriend I thought I could be.

But I wasn't confident, and that is why I was so nice. I thought that if I did all these things for my girlfriends (talking about the past, only dated one girl at a time), that they would love me. That I could buy their affection by doing things for them and being nice to them. I had no self esteem.

There are many, many problems with being like this. The first problem is that women do not respect a man who does not stand up for himself. He even needs to stand up to her. Women will test a man to make sure he has the balls to say no to her. If you cannot stand up to a girl, how could you possibly protect a girl? You will get walked over your entire life until you learn to stand up for yourself.

The second problem is that in a lot of cases, I was not happy. But I didn't say anything. I would spend entire weekends with her family, hating every minute, because I did not have the self esteem to say No, I don't want to do this. I went along with it because I did not want to rock the boat.

The third problem is that you are actually not being honest if you are super duper nice that like. An honest person would say, "You know what? Now is not really good for me. How about next week?" A dishonest person says, "Sure whatever you say" meanwhile they hate every minute.

I mistook having no self confidence and wanting to please everyone with being nice. The two are not the same.

I'm not saying the OP needs to be a dick to her and constantly put her down. Or "put her in her place". All he needs to do is be his own man, and not give in to those tests. She wants you to pass those tests, she wants you to have the strength to say no to her. She does not want a man she can control easily, believe it or not. In your example, if the wife never lets a man go out and have beers with his friends, he will start to resent her. I have seen it happen plenty of times. A couple still needs to be two separate people with separate lives. You cannot have a couple where they become joined at the hip. I have been a part of such a couple, and believe me, it becomes extremely unhealthy extremely quickly.

That's absolutely true. Women do not respect men if they let us walk all over them. It makes a woman think, 'if I can pawn you so easily, you're not going to be a very good protector are you'. At the same time, no woman wants a man who thinks he's the lord and master of all he surveys and that women should bow to him and be put in their place (which is where exactly?)

I'm glad you improved and learnt to stand up for yourself.

Do you realize that is blatant sexism?

Yes I do realize that. However, I was merely speaking the truth from my admittedly biased view. I was genuinely surprised when I realized the person who was giving sound advice to Random Hero was a man. I mean how many men here ever have anything complimentary to say about or to women?

Women don't just wake up one day hating men. They have their valid reasons for disliking/hating men. Yes not all men are bastards, but it is what it is.

I don't know why you are apologising for being a man. All around us, men are being told that we are not necessary and that being a man is embarrassing.

Being a man is not embarrassing. Being a man is a good thing. Boys need fathers - ask me how I know. Nobody needs men to become like women. We just need men to be better men.

He's not apologizing for being a man, he's recognizing that a woman is not merely a sexual object or someone to cook and clean for you while you sit with your feet on the table watching the news or reading a newspaper. He's being considerate and recognizing his wife as a partner.

Nobody needs men to become like women. We just need men to be better men.

This.

 

[SaoirseB]

As a gay man, I know enough to know that this girl is full of ****. Guys goof around. This is what RH was doing. She overreacted and now she wants him to come crawling back like the good little bitch that he is. Again, this is not a gender issue. You get controlling people in both genders and you see it often.

And please don't proceed to lecture me and try to tell me how a gay guy should act or think. You're the girl who thinks all men are cheating liars and who can't fall in love at all. You're the last person to talk about handing back cards.

So you don't believe she had any valid reasons whatsoever for not trusting him after seeing those messages? She was just some snooping shrew wanting to control him?

Maybe you need to hand back your sanity card and go join the feminazis on Tumblr instead. There at least people will agree with you when you paint men out to be absolute monsters while pretending that women can never do anything wrong.

For a gay man you need to seriously calm down you should be the last person labeling a woman as a feminazi simply because she's not worshiping at the alter of men. And why is that hmm? Why is it that if a woman is not prostrating herself at the feet of a man, she's labelled as either a lesbian or feminazi?

 

[registerforfree]

Women don't just wake up one day hating men. They have their valid reasons for disliking/hating men. Yes not all men are bastards, but it is what it is.

So let me get this straight...

You're crying crocodile tears over men generalizing and stereotyping women, but in the same breath you admit that you generalize and stereotype men and say "it is what is". And yet you have to audacity to sit there and judge us?

Pot. Kettle. Black.

 

[Pitbull]

So you don't believe she had any valid reasons whatsoever for not trusting him after seeing those messages? She was just some snooping shrew wanting to control him?



For a gay man you need to seriously calm down you should be the last person labeling a woman as a feminazi simply because she's not worshiping at the alter of men. And why is that hmm? Why is it that if a woman is not prostrating herself at the feet of a man, she's labelled as either a lesbian or feminazi?

Hold on here...

No one ever said women should worship men. Respect goes both ways. People need to realise they don't have to be with whom they currently are. My wife knows that is I'm not happy and she's meddling in things she should not be I'll up and find someone else. Same goes for her, I know she'll up and leave if I do the same.

Sounds too much like people stay with each other because of habit instead of love and respect. Aint got no time for that shyte.