Relationship help thread...

ShaunSA said:
You guys better reserve some of this aggro for Friday :erm:
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my friend was "raped" recently, but my annoyance was more that she didn't agree to the terms of sex, yet continued. i can understand that i can be a very complicated and uncomfortable situation to be in, but after stating up front what you want from sex, halfheartedly giving consent, and then allowing the sex to continue til finish after you've told them that you do not approve of the situation puzzles me.

for me rape is kicking and screaming, forceable entry. it's like having a guest over, find that something was stolen after they let, and claiming there was forced entry. i mean i do sympathise that the guy was a dick and didn't listen to her, i do sympathise that she felt mistreated and used, but i think it's an insult to call it rape to women who have had the unfortunate experience of actual rape
 
Not knowing the circumstances of their relationship it's a bit hard to comment properly, but I think rape is a bit of a strong term in this case. I believe no means no and in a sexual situation the other person needs to listen, but in this case I don't think it's right to immediately demonise the guy for not stopping. It might very well be true that if she had made a bigger effort to express her discomfort and lack of consent he might have caught the hint and stopped.

I don't agree with you that rape is always accompanied by kicking and screaming and forced entry, though. There are too many situations where that is not the case.
 
STS said:
my friend was "raped" recently, but my annoyance was more that she didn't agree to the terms of sex, yet continued. i can understand that i can be a very complicated and uncomfortable situation to be in, but after stating up front what you want from sex, halfheartedly giving consent, and then allowing the sex to continue til finish after you've told them that you do not approve of the situation puzzles me.

for me rape is kicking and screaming, forceable entry. it's like having a guest over, find that something was stolen after they let, and claiming there was forced entry. i mean i do sympathise that the guy was a dick and didn't listen to her, i do sympathise that she felt mistreated and used, but i think it's an insult to call it rape to women who have had the unfortunate experience of actual rape
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Did you just give the plot to 50 shades of grey?
 
registerforfree said:
Not knowing the circumstances of their relationship it's a bit hard to comment properly, but I think rape is a bit of a strong term in this case. I believe no means no and in a sexual situation the other person needs to listen, but in this case I don't think it's right to immediately demonise the guy for not stopping. It might very well be true that if she had made a bigger effort to express her discomfort and lack of consent he might have caught the hint and stopped.

I don't agree with you that rape is always accompanied by kicking and screaming and forced entry, though. There are too many situations where that is not the case.
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i believe if you have an opportunity to leave a situation immediately, but you continue and give mixed messages, then it is not(always) rape. if somebody whipped out nipple clamps in the middle of sex, i'd sure as hell convey my disagreement and refuse to let them be used, and either they say "okay" or they force it on me anyway. i don't say i don't want nipple clamps at the beginning, and when they ask "are you sure about the nipple clamps?" reply "fine" for example.

i understand that it's not always screaming and kicking. i understand there is blackmail, there is fear, there is doing it for the sake of convenience, there is ignorance towards the act, but deciding that sex was bad sex or not something you would normally do, does not deserve the term rape in my eyes.

the instance i am referring to is that a person met somebody for casual sex but stated she wanted to use condom. during sex, the guy smirks and slides into her without a condom. she craps him out, but right after this, she asks him to put on a condom and they continue having sex. afterwards she is upset by the scenario and claims she was raped.

now i am not denying the act was bad and that it was wrong of the guy, but i wasn't there and i don't know what their relationship is, i sympathsie that it hurt her and that she is pissed about it, but when she told me that she told him to put on a condom and to finish, i wondered wtf to myself. i by default don't like the guy for what he did to her, but i can't imagine the mixed signals that guy must have been getting, was he even aware that he was causing more harm than he realised and what was his intent? i'd give the guy an A+ in dumb****ery, but an evil rapist?
 
Ah, I see. I'm a little conflicted on this incident, tbh. If someone scolds you during sex and tells you to put on a condom and you still don't, you're being an ******* and definitely in the wrong. I'm not sure I want to call it rape, though. Nothing was stopping her from saying "listen, you're not complying with my wishes so the sex is over now". If she did that and he still continued then I think it starts entering rape territory.

Not that I want to say what he did wasn't terrible, but like you said, it doesn't necessarily make him an evil rapist. Maybe just a bit of an arsehole/idiot.
 
registerforfree said:
And that's your opinion.

From where I sit OP accidentally showed her something private and ripped the phone out of her hand (maybe that was a bad move, I'll concede). But! But, he is entitled to his privacy too.

Where things go into bitchy controlling mode is when she works herself up and demands he take her home, then tells him she's angry and needs to cool down, leaving him hanging by a thread while she works her nonsense out. This, instead of being an adult and talking it through with him right from the start. Why didn't she just say "hey, what you did upset me, can we talk about it?" Why did she have to string him along and leave him hanging until she deigned herself ready to let him come crawling back to her like a good little bitch?

It's a communication issue. That's why I say she overreacted. She doesn't know how to handle conflict.
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This is what gets me. She openly said she is angry and needs to cool down. What on earth is unreasonable about that? Should she rather deny that she is pissed off and pretend she is not offended.
 
bokdrol said:
This is what gets me. She openly said she is angry and needs to cool down. What on earth is unreasonable about that? Should she rather deny that she is pissed off and pretend she is not offended.
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She told him she was angry and left in a huff, leaving him hanging by a thread instead of being an adult and talking it through with him. That's the problem.

You don't make someone wait so that you can make up your mind about whether you're cross or not. Either it upset you, in which case you talk to the person about it. Or you're not, in which case you go on with your life. Running off and giving someone the silent treatment while you 'cool off' is what I find unreasonable. What, did she have to splash some water on her face every half an hour before she could talk to him again?
 
registerforfree said:
She told him she was angry and left in a huff, leaving him hanging by a thread instead of being an adult and talking it through with him. That's the problem.

You don't make someone wait so that you can make up your mind about whether you're cross or not. Either it upset you, in which case you talk to the person about it. Or you're not, in which case you go on with your life. Running off and giving someone the silent treatment while you 'cool off' is what I find unreasonable. What, did she have to splash some water on her face every half an hour before she could talk to him again?
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The american style of talking everything to death is not for everyone. If I am annoyed with someone I withdraw from the interaction and wait until I have cooled off. This is how I avoid big screaming matches. Some people work that way. I know some people enjoy scraps, like you, but I don't think it is appropriate for the beginning of a relationship, do you?.
 
bokdrol said:
The american style of talking everything to death is not for everyone. If I am annoyed with someone I withdraw from the interaction and wait until I have cooled off. This is how I avoid big screaming matches. Some people work that way. I know some people enjoy scraps, like you, but I don't think it is appropriate for the beginning of a relationship, do you?.
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Why would it need to lead to a scrap? She could have asked him about it, they could have discussed it and that would have been the end of it, regardless of whether they could reconcile or not.

It reminds me of an incident in October where I showed my boyfriend an image someone sent me on WhatsApp. He started casually browsing through all the images in the folder and came across numerous pictures of erect penises that did not belong to either me or him. That seems a lot worse than incriminating WhatsApp conversations, no? He could have freaked out and screamed and shouted at me. Instead he asked me about it, I had a look at the images and I explained to him that it was images sent to me by my ex-boyfriend that I simply forgot to delete. And that was the end of it.

This idea that every small thing needs to immediately lead to so much anger that you have to withdraw in order to prevent a shouting match is the problem with society, not the fact that I expect people to talk to their partners and get the proper context and clarity before they get angry over something.
 
bokdrol said:
This is what's wrong with the forum. She said this, therefore I am entitled to that.
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No. I'm not trying to justify being rude. I am wondering why you take issue with my rudeness and not with the rudeness of the person I'm being rude to.

Well, not actually wondering. I know that you hold men to a higher standard than you do women. I do wonder how you reconcile that double standard with women's supposed equality to men though. If what's her face is my equal why can't I treat her the same way I treat everyone else?
 
Nick333 said:
No. I'm not trying to justify being rude. I am wondering why you take issue with my rudeness and not with the rudeness of the person I'm being rude to.

Well, not actually wondering. I know that you hold men to a higher standard than you do women. I do wonder how you reconcile that double standard with women's supposed equality to men though. If what's her face is my equal why can't I treat her the same way I treat everyone else?
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I didn't notice her being rude to you. I must have missed that
 
Pitbull said:
Seems like none of these females got laid yet...

You all need some vitamin D tbh.
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There we go. I was waiting for that. Because a woman dares to have an opinion, it must be hormones or sexual frustration or something :rolleyes:
 
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