Relationship with a dying person...

[DerpiesFreud]

This thread has a main topic and another side question.

a) A girl who`s romantically interested in me (she said so) has cancer and they say she`s going to die in a year or two...
I`d really want to comfort her and be there for her yet I`m not sure I`d be able to deal with it and the heartbreak...
I`m not deep in so I can still back out even though if it would make me look like a dick.

a.1) she could be lying about the cancer to get me or play with me
in which case not cool...

b) How does one react to the death of someone you know? The funeral specifically
A friend of mines mother died a year ago and I went to the funeral.
I felt sympathy and I wanted to comfort him yet I just stood there like an idiot and greeted him and shook hands :erm:

it happened again when one of my distant uncle type relatives died...
I just stood there and derped at everybody.

 

[Nerfherder]

If you were dying would you not want to bang someone before its all over ?

I know I would.

 

[copacetic]

a.1) she could be lying about the cancer to get me or play with me
in which case not cool...

I think there's an insurmountable trust issue, either way.

 

[Lycanthrope]

It's rough, but if there's genuine feeling then it would be silly not to and perhaps even something you may one day regret.

Plus, maybe there's something after we die and this short stint will just precede something more awesome afterwards, if you believe in that sort of thing.

 

[WaxLyrical]

Do bald chicks turn you on?

If not then move along nicely.

 

[Avenue]

so what are you in for, because you never once said how you feel about her. Is there something more than just wanting to comfort her?

 

[DerpiesFreud]

If you were dying would you not want to bang someone before its all over ?

I know I would.

yeah but banging is a bit deep and intimate

I think there's an insurmountable trust issue, either way.

yeah... ohwell

It's rough, but if there's genuine feeling then it would be silly not to and perhaps even something you may one day regret.

Plus, maybe there's something after we die and this short stint will just precede something more awesome afterwards, if you believe in that sort of thing.

true

Do bald chicks turn you on?

If not then move along nicely.

meh
I had a cancer scare once was hell...
I just wanna be there for her

so what are you in for, because you never once said how you feel about her. Is there something more than just wanting to comfort her?

I liked her before she told me.... I still like her but right now the comfort is what has my attention
shes attractive,smart,quirky,eccentric... like the perfect mix

 

[ITCynic]

If you strong enough to handle it, trust me when I say its very hard, be with her if you can.

Watching a person die this way is a horrible thing to go through, for them and for the comforter. I went through it when I was a 20 year old laaitie. She died 2 weeks from diagnosis and I spent every day of those 2 weeks with her.

But the person who dies, leaves with comfort knowing someone cares because they want to and not because its expected to them.

If you strong enough to step up to the plate, do it, if not back off although you might feel really s.h.i.t by backing off, you not giving false comfort to the dying.

As far as not sure whether she is legit or not, meet her family and bring it into the conversation somehow with subtlety, if its true, they will know. Maybe along the lines of asking them for help in dealing with her illness.

 

[Basjohn]

As someone who is -vaguely- dying (oh arn't we all? But for reals I have Bechet's Disease and am in the highest mortality group) I always have a fear that I'd need to trick or trap someone into a relationship by hiding my disease, take it as one hell of an olive branch that she told you straight up like this.

I'd say give it a try, nothing might come of it, she might survive, you two might not even get along, or best of all..........you might create some memories quite literally worth a "lifetime".

 

[Glammy]

But the person who dies, leaves with comfort knowing someone cares because they want to and not because its expected to them.

Think ITCynic has hit the nail on the head, don't stay because you feel you HAVE to, or anyone tells you it's the "Right thing to do". Only stay because you WANT to.

If you stay it has to be because you really want to. It is amazing how strong we can be once faced with situations we thought we would never be able to handle - our minds often allow fear to take over when thinking of something stressful or difficult but when the real thing comes along, we surprise ourselves with the strength we have inside.

 

[Slootvreter]

Too much sadness here.

 

[rrh]

I agree with ITCynic and Glammy.

If you stay it must be (a) because you want to and (b) for the long haul, i.e. bluntly put, until the funeral.

Remember also that there are many different forms of cancer, and the odds of her life expectancy being correct are little better than choosing the next number on the roulette wheel at Sun City.

That said, I am vaguely suspicious that the doctors etc. have 'given up' so early. My guess would be that she is (a) being treated and that (b) the one to two years is if the treatment is unsuccessful.

However, assuming that she isn't a weirdo - i.e. says that she has cancer when she hasn't - it would appear that she has accepted the situation, and wishes to go forward. So that is what you must do: accept the cancer and continue [for as long as you can] as though the cancer doesn't exist.

(As an aside, a close friend recently had cancer. Her main complaint: people treated her differently: "I've got cancer, I have accepted it, there's nothing I can do about it. However, I'm still me ... !!")

Finally, you are going to have to decide on the future nature of the relationship. Friends - maybe with benefits - might be best if you intend to see this through, but that's a decision that only you can make.

 

[Alan]

All I know is if I backed off when somebody I cared for probably needed me the most the heartbreak of watching her suffer would at least be matched by the kicking my concious would give me for the rest of my life.

I'd say go for it. Certainly if you would have if she didn't have cancer. Celebrate life with her, enjoy her company, make the most of it and who knows together maybe you'll beat the cancer.

Better to have loved and lost and all that....

 

[Other Pineapple Smurf]

I've lost a very close friend to cancer and I also have someone close to me who is a survivor. Its not always a death sentence. I've got a neighbour who went for treatment this year and he is now fine, the other night I was speaking to someone who you would never say she had cancer but she was on deaths door and is now 100% healthy .

The reality is that somebody close around you will get cancer and if your going to filter all those around you based on the probability of losing them in life your going to be one very lonely person.

 

[Nocturnity]

Go for it. We're all dying. A bus might hit your perfectly healthy new girlfriend before cancer takes this one. Life's a gamble.

 

[ponder]

Go for it. We're all dying. A bus might hit your perfectly healthy new girlfriend before cancer takes this one. Life's a gamble.

Yeah you're either dead or alive.

 

[DerpiesFreud]

Too much sadness here.

Life is sad,bitter,cruel... thats simply how it is.

The reality is that somebody close around you will get cancer and if your going to filter all those around you based on the probability of losing them in life your going to be one very lonely person.

True... Thats a good way to put it, I`m glad she told me now... provided its the truth.

I'd say give it a try, nothing might come of it, she might survive, you two might not even get along, or best of all..........you might create some memories quite literally worth a "lifetime".

Perhaps Life is a game of dice

Go for it. We're all dying. A bus might hit your perfectly healthy new girlfriend before cancer takes this one. Life's a gamble.

Yeah you're either dead or alive.

True

All I know is if I backed off when somebody I cared for probably needed me the most the heartbreak of watching her suffer would at least be matched by the kicking my concious would give me for the rest of my life.

I'd say go for it. Certainly if you would have if she didn't have cancer. Celebrate life with her, enjoy her company, make the most of it and who knows together maybe you'll beat the cancer.

Better to have loved and lost and all that....

Yeah... eish I`l probably go through with it.

Think ITCynic has hit the nail on the head, don't stay because you feel you HAVE to, or anyone tells you it's the "Right thing to do". Only stay because you WANT to.

If you stay it has to be because you really want to. It is amazing how strong we can be once faced with situations we thought we would never be able to handle - our minds often allow fear to take over when thinking of something stressful or difficult but when the real thing comes along, we surprise ourselves with the strength we have inside.

Thats what I`m worried about... if I have the strength to make it through everything or will I snap in between.

I agree with ITCynic and Glammy.
However, assuming that she isn't a weirdo - i.e. says that she has cancer when she hasn't - it would appear that she has accepted the situation, and wishes to go forward. So that is what you must do: accept the cancer and continue [for as long as you can] as though the cancer doesn't exist.

(As an aside, a close friend recently had cancer. Her main complaint: people treated her differently: "I've got cancer, I have accepted it, there's nothing I can do about it. However, I'm still me ... !!")

Finally, you are going to have to decide on the future nature of the relationship. Friends - maybe with benefits - might be best if you intend to see this through, but that's a decision that only you can make.

Yeah I`l have to think this through very carefully
She might be the type to say she has cancer but actually doesnt...
which is why I`m still suspicious perhaps it was a ruse to get my attention...

anyway I`l speak to her in the near future...

 

[ponder]

She might be the type to say she has cancer but actually doesnt...
which is why I`m still suspicious perhaps it was a ruse to get my attention...

If that's the case then she is a very 'sick' person.

 

[maumau]

Why do you suspect she might be lying about having cancer?

 

[rrh]

For myself, it's very rare to hear of a case of cancer in a young adult where the doctors have given up so easily, i.e. when the patient has one or more years to live ...