Science Jokes Thread.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the barman "How much for a beer."

The barman replies : "For you, sir, no charge."
 
Well thanx to recent developments the neutrino joke need to be amended and stay as a tachyon only joke.

Neutrino walks into the bar and ask the barman for a glass of water.
The barman hands him the glass and say's "That will be R500"
Neutrino "Why so much?"
Barman "Well the water is free but the R500 is for the window you came trough, Oh and I think your GPS is not working properly."
 
Heisenberg was a terrible lay. Whenever he had the the right position he never had the right speed, whenever he had the energy he never had the time.
 
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time.

Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get pissed off and buy someone else’s product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time.

They solved the problem by using some high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighing less than it should was detected. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to resume the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. There were very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share.

“That’s some money well spent!” he said, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out that the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report.

He requested an explanation, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO went down to the factory, and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before it there was a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. “Oh, that — one of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang”, said one of the workers.
 
reporting.png
 
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
 
A Finnish wife asks her software engineer husband "Hey, could you go to the shop for me and get a litre of milk? And if they have eggs, get six."
The husband returns with six litres of milk. "Why on earth did you buy six litres of milk??" screams the wife.
"They had eggs."
 
wallsend said:
A Finnish wife asks her software engineer husband "Hey, could you go to the shop for me and get a litre of milk? And if they have eggs, get six."
The husband returns with six litres of milk. "Why on earth did you buy six litres of milk??" screams the wife.
"They had eggs."
Click to expand...

Lol :D

Love it.
 
A Higgs Boson walks into a church, but the preacher says "Get out of here, you are a disgrace, you call yourself the 'God particle' when there is only one true God!" The Higgs Boson replies "Well if I am not here, how can you have mass"
 
LOL.

I thought "man that is ridiculous, it isn't like you either know science stuff or who the Kardashians are, you can know both". Then I set out to prove this joke wrong by remembering all the Kardashians. I then realised that the only one I knew was Kim Kardashian and I didn't know what she looked like and whether or not there were any more of them let alone their names.
 
mikeyb said:
4692044_460s.jpg
Click to expand...

Like how much the USA sucks at science :D

CERN = European Organization for Nuclear Research, Independence Day = break away from Europe. Oh I wonder if the creator ever thought about that.
 
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