Supporting someone who is grieving

powermzii

powermzii

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My partner lost her brother to a suicide at the beginning of the year and has been dealing with that. She never got time to grieve properly because as soon as it happened extended family came over and was around for the better part of the month. After the funeral is was back to work and sorting out life after the death (she is now the sole breadwinner in the family).

Was just wondering what i can do to support her and make things easier for her. She is not opening up to me and sometimes she just goes quiet (obviously still dealing with it all). I know i can't take the pain away or change things but there has definitely been a change in her and in our relationship and i am trying as much as i can to give her space or be there for her, but its sometimes difficult since i never know whats going on in her head.

Does anyone have any advice on what i can do / not do to help her through this? I am also aware this will take a few months or even years before she is ok again..
 
Don't push the topic and just be there for her. Try not to bring yourself down along with her and try create a positive vibe. It is about time and give her the time she needs and let her know you are there if she needs you.

Other than that carry on like normal.

She is more than likely more angry than grieving and this is a huge problem. Grieving you can get over but that anger and hatred toward the person for doing it can stay for a long time.

If things don't improve then push the topic or get professional help.
 
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powermzii said:
My partner lost her brother to a suicide at the beginning of the year and has been dealing with that. She never got time to grieve properly because as soon as it happened extended family came over and was around for the better part of the month. After the funeral is was back to work and sorting out life after the death (she is now the sole breadwinner in the family).

Was just wondering what i can do to support her and make things easier for her. She is not opening up to me and sometimes she just goes quiet (obviously still dealing with it all). I know i can't take the pain away or change things but there has definitely been a change in her and in our relationship and i am trying as much as i can to give her space or be there for her, but its sometimes difficult since i never know whats going on in her head.

Does anyone have any advice on what i can do / not do to help her through this? I am also aware this will take a few months or even years before she is ok again..
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Its a tough one man. Without knowing how she ticks, its hard to know what will work on her. Some people need hard support. As in need someone to help snap them out of it and into shape. Some need pure empathy and just want to wallow a while. It also greatly depends on what her brother meant to her? What role he fulfilled in her life in reality, and also in her own mind, as these can differ. What reasons did he give for his suicide, if any? How old is she, how old was the brother? Does she blame herself? Does she have good reason to blame herself or is it just weak connections that she made in her mind to force the blame on herself.
All family members of suicides feel like they should have been able to do something for them, to help prevent it from happening.

There are just so many variables in there that its nearly impossible to give any specific advice that would work.

The only thing you can do is really listen and watch her. Try different abstract ways of supporting her and watch for her reaction to it. When you find things that she responds well to, push for more specifics down that road. Your "support" will need to evolve as time goes on. It really just takes some attentiveness on your part. But also there are some lost cases out there. Some people that just like to wallow in their own misery. The only way to get them out of it is really tough love and that might stress your relationship to the point of breaking, but if you really care for her, you should be prepared to make that sacrifice if need be. Once all the dust settles she might realize that you did what was best for her and stay with you. Or she might just fight against it and you lose her for good.

Its a tough position to be in. There may come a time when you realize that you have to jump ship. Its an unfortunate and very hard line to take, but to constantly supporting someone who is not willing to support themselves can be a huge drain on your own happiness. For everyone that breaking point is different. Just give all you can for as long as you can and be attentive, and hope that it never comes to that.
 
Absolutely nothing...
Any words you have to say on the subject will not really have much of an impact (for most people).
Just realise that she will have bad days because of this, and try remember when she is having a bad day to cut her some slack..
 
Has she been to counseling? Its some times hard to open up to the ones you love.
 
Thanks guys for the advice, I like to think i am pretty calm and patient so have been suggesting drives, walks by the beach etc to jut get her out of the house (she stays with her mom and sometimes i feel it gets to her with people visiting and the like). I will be sure to cut her some slack - i HAVE been finding myself getting a bit upset with her and i think sometimes i am losing the focus that its about her and what she is going through. I can't really answer a lot of questions about him and their relationship coz like i said she isn't really opening up and they weren't that close. But will keep trying to do things every now and then to remind her that i am here for her. Another thing is that there is no timeframe for grieving so that makes it all the more complicated but i guess you can only do your best and hope that it is appreciated in the long run.

I won't push the topic but will try and focus on doing more for her to help her get better.
 
powermzii said:
Thanks guys for the advice, I like to think i am pretty calm and patient so have been suggesting drives, walks by the beach etc to jut get her out of the house (she stays with her mom and sometimes i feel it gets to her with people visiting and the like). I will be sure to cut her some slack - i HAVE been finding myself getting a bit upset with her and i think sometimes i am losing the focus that its about her and what she is going through. I can't really answer a lot of questions about him and their relationship coz like i said she isn't really opening up and they weren't that close. But will keep trying to do things every now and then to remind her that i am here for her. Another thing is that there is no timeframe for grieving so that makes it all the more complicated but i guess you can only do your best and hope that it is appreciated in the long run.

I won't push the topic but will try and focus on doing more for her to help her get better.
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Its a tough situation bud...though I would recommend maybe going to counseling together...he/she will be able to probe into subjects that might be affecting her plus you could be there for support to show her that she is not alone in this.
 
Korn1 said:
Its a tough situation bud...though I would recommend maybe going to counseling together...he/she will be able to probe into subjects that might be affecting her plus you could be there for support to show her that she is not alone in this.
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Yup you could also gauge how willing she is to open up and ask questions about her brother, she will shut you down chop chop if she is not willing but you may find she will just explode into tears and just let it all out.

Might not be a bad idea to try that rather than ignore it.
 
A couple of years ago I dated a sibling counsellor at The Compassionate Friends, who does bereavement counselling. You might want to put het in touch with them. As Korn1 said, its sometimes easier opening up to strangers...

Their site at http://compassionatefriends.org.za/
 
wernervn said:
A couple of years ago I dated a sibling counsellor at The Compassionate Friends, who does bereavement counselling. You might want to put het in touch with them. As Korn1 said, its sometimes easier opening up to strangers...

Their site at http://compassionatefriends.org.za/
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thanks for this - i will suggest it to her and see if she is keen on going there for a chat, it might help
 
Usual phase would be - take a ****... but it's s girl... hmmm, I dunno, I guess it's tough, but people find the strength to get over the insurmountable mountain that they face.
 
i think its also key to understand how your partner grieves, coz if you don't understand it then you will get frustrated. She has been withdrawn and thats her way of dealing with the issues so i just have to understand that and be ready for it.
 
powermzii said:
i think its also key to understand how your partner grieves, coz if you don't understand it then you will get frustrated. She has been withdrawn and thats her way of dealing with the issues so i just have to understand that and be ready for it.
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By the way...is she showing improvement yet?
 
I lost a brother when I was in my late teens, its now 17 years on and I still miss the guy, he was my big brother and I looked up to him. So there is no time frame to grief. Don't take scotty777's advice, I'm a guy and a death in the family hits you hard.

The wounds will heal but they leave a scar. Whenever significant events crop up she will be reminded of him and then will have to deal with it again so be ready. B'days, christmas, holidays etcetera. One thing you can do though is talk about him to her occasionally. Talk about his good points from time to time. When you lose someone close, you feel people have forgotten them because people don't like to talk about it, this can hurt. Be genuine. PM me if you want further advice.
 
One parent told me (who lost her son) said you never get over it but learn to deal with it.
 
Wait. And you're thinking of taking her paragliding?

Ummmmmmm

Perhaps something like a weekend break-away away from everything and everyone would be better...
 
GhostSixFour said:
Wait. And you're thinking of taking her paragliding?

Ummmmmmm

Perhaps something like a weekend break-away away from everything and everyone would be better...
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.

Caught red handed, lol

I would love to take her away for the weekend but she can't be away from home overnight - she is still worried a lot about her Mom and niece (brother's daughter) so it will have to be a day thing. She IS showing signs of improvement and have been opening up but i am taking it slow and also learning my place in this process. Patience and understanding goes a long way even if you don't fully understand it. I do try to talk to her about him and about how things are going at home and she is opening up a lil bit more. Last week i took her on a drive through the winelands for the day just so that she could get away from it all so easy does it :-)
 
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