The problem with someone else’s floater

[Nerfherder]

You should pee in the urinal like a man.


I flush the floater if I encounter it... I know its a waste but I need a clean bowl.

 

[Nerfherder]

We really need to get to the bottom of this phenomenon.

This is just something you cant just wash away.... that just doesn't float with me.

 

[porn$tar]

I flush the floater if I encounter it... I know its a waste but I need a clean bowl.

That's right, no duking with somebody else's turd.

 

[VaroaVars]

work poo

CROP DUSTING-- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the

smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't

know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until

the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the

smell has left your pants.



FLY BY-- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and

check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and

come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may

become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.



ESCAPEE-- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or

forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden

wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge

it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in

the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is

uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both

parties feel uneasy.



JAILBREAK-- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun

pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this

should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has

left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just

occurred.



COURTESY FLUSH-- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo

hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink

up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF

SHAME.

(yep..guilty)



WALK OF SHAME-- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door

after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very

uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,

it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided

with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.



OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER-- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of

it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet pooer enter the bathroom

with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around

the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the

bathroom.



THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)-- A group of co-workers who band

together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This

group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet

Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.



SAFE HAVENS-- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where

you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the

opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering

the bathroom.



TURD BURGLAR-- Someone who does not realise that you are in the

cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most

shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at

work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar

leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.



CAMO-COUGH-- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the

bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a

WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when

used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.



ASTAIRE-- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd

Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt

that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the

bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.



WATERMELON-- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet

water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon

coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.



HAVANAOMELET-- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud

splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try

using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.



UNCLE TED-- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could

spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the

pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as

you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits

you as well as the other bathroom attendees

 

[Mike Hoxbig]

Lol @ the turd burglar

 

[Picard]

Why can't they make public toilets that are fully enclosed. I don't want to hear or smell the innerworkings of the other guy next door.

 

[Mars]

Why can't they make public toilets that are fully enclosed. I don't want to hear or smell the innerworkings of the other guy next door.

the problem is ventilation. They have fully enclosed toilets at the Emperors Palace conference facility. When people are cueing for the can that little fan cant keep up. Its like walking into a hot box.

 

[Azbubu]

What I hate about floaters is that if they're left for a while they begin to expand. Nothing worse than a bloated floater.

 

[Sm00thSm0k3]

the problem is ventilation. They have fully enclosed toilets at the Emperors Palace conference facility. When people are cueing for the can that little fan cant keep up. Its like walking into a hot box.

Oh good Lord!

 

[Nerfherder]

Have you ever heard of a Lazy hippo ?

You take a dump in the cistern and leave it (your nemesis's house) You flush and the floater stays in the cistern, the longer you leave it the worse it gets, the more you flush the more it smells

 

[reedOsama]

the problem is ventilation. They have fully enclosed toilets at the Emperors Palace conference facility. When people are cueing for the can that little fan cant keep up. Its like walking into a hot box.

There's this library toilet I've been to where the basins to wash your hands are down stairs whilst all the cubicles are 5 steps up... so that opening at the bottom of the cubicle is nearly level with your face. As soon as you open the door BOOM sh#t smell hits your face.

 

[Mars]

Have you ever heard of a Lazy hippo ?

You take a dump in the cistern and leave it (your nemesis's house) You flush and the floater stays in the cistern, the longer you leave it the worse it gets, the more you flush the more it smells

I done that once..

Found out my gf was cheating on me and broke up with her. I was so angry I cannot tell you.

So after about a week she sends me a message that she made a mistake, bla bla and we need to see if we can talk it out.
So I say fine...

I go over to her flat, we talk a bit then I need to go. I go to her bathroom and lay a LARGE one in her cistern. While I'm parking this baby I get the giggles... the more I'm trying not to laugh the more I cant seem to stop.
As I'm climbing down for the cleanup my foot slips into the toilet. Now I'm laughing even harder with my hand over my mouth and blocking my nose.

I took a few minuets to calm down, cleaned up and looked in the mirror. It looked like I had been crying so I calmly went out, told her there was no chance of staring up again and left.
Dont know how the hippo turned out, as I cut her off totally after that..

 

[reactor_sa]

Lol, funniest sht I've read all year!

Sent from a Galaxy SII far far away via Tapatalk

 

[D3x!]

rofl at lazy hippo

 

[Slingshot]

TYPES OF POO

Ghost Poo:
You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the
toilet. Where is it?

Teflon Poo:
So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the
toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

Goo Poo:
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you
still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your
underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the
toilet.

Second Thoughts Poo:
You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise...
there's more to come.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo:
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out
until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.

Weight Watchers Poo:
You poo so much you lose several pounds.

Right Now Poo:
You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to
get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your
pants down.

King Kong Poo:
This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you
break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well.
This kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house.

Cork Poo:
Also known as "floaters." Even after the third flush it's still there,
floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?

Wet Cheeks Poo:
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the
launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish.

Wish Poo:
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.

Cement Block Poo:
You wish you'd got a spinal block before you pooed.

Snake Poo:
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least
three feet long.

Morning After Poo:
Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't
smell that bad, but THIS one... Usually you're at someone else's house
(normally a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside
to use the bathroom.

Mexican Food Poo:
Also called "screamers." You know it's safe to eat again when your bum
stops burning.

Boo Hoo Poo:
Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether your should risk the
stitches or go for the fuller figure.

 

[Nerfherder]

I done that once..

Found out my gf was cheating on me and broke up with her. I was so angry I cannot tell you.

So after about a week she sends me a message that she made a mistake, bla bla and we need to see if we can talk it out.
So I say fine...

I go over to her flat, we talk a bit then I need to go. I go to her bathroom and lay a LARGE one in her cistern. While I'm parking this baby I get the giggles... the more I'm trying not to laugh the more I cant seem to stop.
As I'm climbing down for the cleanup my foot slips into the toilet. Now I'm laughing even harder with my hand over my mouth and blocking my nose.

I took a few minuets to calm down, cleaned up and looked in the mirror. It looked like I had been crying so I calmly went out, told her there was no chance of staring up again and left.
Dont know how the hippo turned out, as I cut her off totally after that..

^^ iPad

 

[porn$tar]

I done that once..

Dont know how the hippo turned out, as I cut her off totally after that..

Legend, better than leaving a dead fish under the couch cushions.

 

[D3x!]

TYPES OF POO

Ghost Poo:
You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the
toilet. Where is it?

Teflon Poo:
So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the
toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

Goo Poo:
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you
still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your
underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the
toilet.

Second Thoughts Poo:
You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise...
there's more to come.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo:
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out
until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.

Weight Watchers Poo:
You poo so much you lose several pounds.

Right Now Poo:
You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to
get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your
pants down.

King Kong Poo:
This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you
break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well.
This kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house.

Cork Poo:
Also known as "floaters." Even after the third flush it's still there,
floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?

Wet Cheeks Poo:
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the
launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish.

Wish Poo:
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.

Cement Block Poo:
You wish you'd got a spinal block before you pooed.

Snake Poo:
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least
three feet long.

Morning After Poo:
Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't
smell that bad, but THIS one... Usually you're at someone else's house
(normally a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside
to use the bathroom.

Mexican Food Poo:
Also called "screamers." You know it's safe to eat again when your bum
stops burning.

Boo Hoo Poo:
Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether your should risk the
stitches or go for the fuller figure.

wahahaha epic

ghost + teflon poo at the same time

 

[iDOL]

CROP DUSTING-- Snip...

I just want to say thank you to Sidd - you had me in tears - and that was just at Crop Dusting - my work mates were all rolling as we read through it.

Don't know where you found it - but it sure made for a hilarious afternoon.