Murmaider
Expert Member
"IBurst is not really concerned about the negative comments about our service offering that have been posted on MyADSL recently, especially as we live in our own world and believe that our service levels, infrastructure and product offering have vastly improved."
"Our churn rate is one of the lowest in the industry because we are the only company who signs their customers into a 24 month contract so they can't leave us after their first month of bad service. There are currently around 75 000 poor idiots who are stuck in these contracts so my salary is guaranteed for at least the next 2 years. From one base station in Johannesburg which hardly works, we now have over 250 nationwide. The fact that less than half of them actually work is completely irrelevant because these suckers have signed a 24 month contract. The average time it takes our call centre to answer a call is now at a healthy 20 seconds, but please note that this average was in fact calculated on a once off freak occurrence. Queries are usually resolved in five minutes... well... we deem them to be resolved, whether or not they are, is irrelevant. Just as long as we can get you off the phone as quickly as possible."
"The reason we mention all of this is because our PR department said we should. They also said we should publically annouce that we have made improvements to our business since the substantial restructing of a few years ago. These improvements have been made without the customer in mind and they appear to be paying us more for it, even though sometimes we rob them blindly."
"With regards to ALL of the issues raised on this site recently, the comments about our accounts / retensions department are, we believe, rooted in the past as IBurst did have issues with our billing and other internal systems but these problems will not be resolved as it allows us to freely rob and annoy our customers and provide for great entertainment for our A.D.D accounts department"
"In addition, IBurst has put in place policies and procedures aimed at enabling the quick resolution of queries via our own website and not via someone elses. We use the "Two-Step" resolution approach. Step 1: Do you have a problem? (Answer: Yes). Step 2: We do not believe there is a problem, thank you, goodbye."
"Regarding migrations, readers will be pleased to know that online migrations are now live and simple for customers to use. This should radically streamline the process from now on. But don't forget customers, if you want to upgrade your account, do it before the 20th of the month, otherwise we will come up with a stupid excuse as to why we can't upgrade your account. We also won't make any mention of this until you actually want to upgrade your account. Please remember readers, it's not about "how can iburst help you" its about "how can you help iburst""
"Our technical helpdesk is indeed equipped to assist customers, we provide them with a fully function "hang-up" button which is tested regularly. Our call centre statistics show that contact centre agents are able to resolve the odd query over the phone, much to even our surprise. We believe concerns about technical problems emanate from the recent East Rand incident which saw network problems being experienced for an unusually long time because we are idiots and won't ask for help because we do not know what we are doing, but we think we do. We also believe that technical concerns have never existed until this incident because our "reliable" systems said so. Usually, incidents affecting a large number of subscribers are never communicated and the resolution time is never stated."
We hope we have managed to allay readers` humor. We would like to conclude by emphasizing that any halfass organisation like ours is a work in progress and we will continue to rip customers off, give bad service and work harder at stopping iBurst from getting to pole position in the excellence stakes.
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