To have a second child...or not?

M

MrBiggleswurth

Member
Joined
Nov 5, 2014
Messages
13
Reaction score
0
Such a damn tough topic. With my wife and I being working parents (as most are), we really only have "free" time after waking in the morning and getting ready for work, and then also when we get home from work and weekends. During this "free" period you need to allocate your time as needed, time for my wife, time for our 4yr old son, time for myself, time for all the other things not part of the immediate big 3.

Add to this, my wife is a doctor specialising, so she has even less time to work with...works most weekends, calls vary from 12 hours to 36 hours...

Now we have been debating having a second child. I really thought it would a concrete yes, lets do this...but we find ourselves debating if we should. As my wife is almost 3/4 through specialising (just under 2 years left)...if a baby comes, I will be needed even more than I was with our son, as she worked as a GP back then...and so was easy for us to help and support each other.

So she is naturally concerned she wont have the time for the second child should we go down that route. Understandable. Added...the last 6 months has been a bit trying with our son. So far...the 4 year old stage has been my least favourite. Give me a baby to look after any day....would happily go back to those days...but 4/5 year olds...wow! Some days I think he is a real douche. Actually had a chat with my mother about this...asked her was there an age she recalls that she really didn’t like me, as I have heard about other parents talk about this. She said ja...I can tell you the exact ages...I chuckled nervously. So she went ahead and said the ages of 4 and 5 I was a real dick, then at 12. Great. I must have passed on the genes... :erm:

Well, sad to say...the way my son is now...kinda works quite well as contraception. My wife feels the same way...but I'm sure it's way worse for me. She seems to tolerate him better than I do. I get irritable very easily generally with anything really.

Added to this we have pressure from my wife's parents and my parents. There is presently only one grandchild between them, our son. They keep going on about when the next one will come, more pressure. Added, my sister in law and her husband have decided to only have 1 kid, she is due next month with a girl. So it means my wife's side of the family will have 2 grandchildren (a boy and girl)...and my mother's side just one (our son).

Just feel stuck...dont know what to do...as having another kid is not a decision you go into with only 50% certainty (in my opinion you need to be 100% certain to commit to something like this). First kid was an easy decision...we knew it was the right time, it just felt right. In this instance...a second child, it just doesnt feel right currently.

So do we just decide to not have another, or wait until the time feels right? If we wait, then there wil be a huge age gap if the right time does come along...really not keen to have one kid in varsity and another in primary school type scenario. Added, my wife and I starting to hit the later side of our 30's. :confused:

Damn this sucks :( Anyone else been in a similar situation?
 
I'm starting to think to wait 2 years is probably the sensible approach here, ja. It's quite interesting, as I was not sure about writing this post...but I am glad I did, as typing out my thoughts/feelings has actually give this problem some perspective. I will chat with my wife about this tonight, as I have a feeling we are on the same page. Wait 2 years, and then see if a second child is a road we want to travel then. Tnx

srothman said:
I LOL'ed.
Click to expand...

I was being quite conservative in my description there... :whistle:
 
Last edited:
Ninja'd said:
Don't please your parents by burdening yourself and your wife.
Click to expand...

+1. Having a child because you feel that you should doesn't help anyone. Your parents are the last people you should be considering. You should be considering:

1) Current son. If he's already a handful, think what a sibling taking more of your time away from him will do.
2) Yourselves. It's going to put a lot of stress onto both of you, and stress is terrible for a marriage AND for your existing son.
3) Your unborn child. Raising him in a stressful and time compromised environment won't be good for him/her.

Wait until you feel it's the right time.
 
Go for it right now.

Once she hits 40, pregnancy becomes increasingly risky.
 
proxilin said:
+1. Having a child because you feel that you should doesn't help anyone. Your parents are the last people you should be considering. You should be considering:

1) Current son. If he's already a handful, think what a sibling taking more of your time away from him will do.
2) Yourselves. It's going to put a lot of stress onto both of you, and stress is terrible for a marriage AND for your existing son.
3) Your unborn child. Raising him in a stressful and time compromised environment won't be good for him/her.

Wait until you feel it's the right time.
Click to expand...

The parentals views are not really being considered, it's more irritating than anything else so thats "ok". In reply to your points:

1. He is quite the typical boisterous boy, and a little more. He will most certainly have his nose up in the air.
2. Our marriage already took a knock with our son coming along. We struggle to find time for ourselves, which is something we both know and worry about.
3. Agreed

YingYang said:
Go for it right now.

Once she hits 40, pregnancy becomes increasingly risky.
Click to expand...

With my wife being a doctor, the is concerned waiting too long with medical implications. Will chat tonight about this.
 
knock her up in the last year of her specializing. stay away from the 40 age barrier.
 
YingYang said:
To be frank, with her being a doctor I'd have thought you guys knew about the risks.

Have a look at the cons on thid page:
http://www.babycenter.com/0_age-and-fertility-getting-pregnant-in-your-40s_1494699.bc
Click to expand...

We do, and I do too. Sorry, maybe you misunderstood? We do know the risks...but cant get into something this big if we not ready.

akescpt said:
knock her up in the last year of her specializing. stay away from the 40 age barrier.
Click to expand...

:p Yeah...if it happens, will be in next 2 years....otherwise, it wont happen at all.
 
I guess throwing all the things about the timing etc out, the real question is, do you WANT a second child?

Sometimes people do things because they've always assumed that's what they'd be doing, and don't stop to re-evaluate. There's nothing wrong with only staying with the one child, that is becoming increasingly common.

And if you realise that you want another one, then I'd say go for it, maybe time it so that the new one is born just after your wife specialises. That way you also have a year or so in the meantime to mull it all over.

Oh, and a colleague of mine once said something along the lines of, you always love your child, but that doesn't mean you always have to like them. :whistle:
 
proxilin said:
I guess throwing all the things about the timing etc out, the real question is, do you WANT a second child?

Sometimes people do things because they've always assumed that's what they'd be doing, and don't stop to re-evaluate. There's nothing wrong with only staying with the one child, that is becoming increasingly common.

And if you realise that you want another one, then I'd say go for it, maybe time it so that the new one is born just after your wife specialises. That way you also have a year or so in the meantime to mull it all over.

Oh, and a colleague of mine once said something along the lines of, you always love your child, but that doesn't mean you always have to like them. :whistle:
Click to expand...

answer that truthfully. what do YOU and the MISSUS want? sorry to say this but screw the rest of the people. not screw but you know what I mean. it should not be a factor.
 
I'm actually awaiting the birth of our second ( 3rd Feb is booked ceaser date ). Quite a few of our friends are asking the same questions.

As a two parent child, all I can really share are the reason we chose a second one:

  1. We both have always wanted two children
  2. I have family who have a single child and find them to generally be spoilt and selfish
  3. Its been hard for us to have children
  4. We waited 2 years so there would be a 3 year gap

TBH, you and your partner need to be comfortable with the decision, no matter what anyone else says. If you have doubts ( and I don't mean the normal parent doubts etc ), then probably don't. However by the same token, consider both your bodies and the ability to have children, if it is what you truly want.
 
As a Father of Twin boys I know all too well what free time used to be, and what it is now, Don't get me wrong I LOVE my boys to bits but they are a handful especially now during the "terrible Two's phase"

obviously we didn't have a choice in the matter lol,we were trying for a mini me and got mini me's..... I wouldn't change a thing (one is like mommy and one is like daddy through and through so we have the best of BOTH)
But I feel if you had to ask the question and get opinions then there is doubt, and nothing in life should be done if there is doubt, be 100% sure and 100% wanting to :)
 
Sounds like you have a decision, which I would agree with. BTW I'm 45 and wife 37 (married late) and need to decide ASAP if we want a pink foot in the house.

Are you giving any considerations about whether you want to raise a kid in South Africa? Although your wife could go to any country if it hits the fan, in my case we are here to stay ..
 
Forget what you and the wife want.
Rather, consider what's best for your child: at least another two or three siblings.

Get on with it!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top
Sign up to the MyBroadband newsletter
X