What is wrong with me

varktjop

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I met my best friend "M" in Standard 2 but only really became best friends in Std 8. He was friendliest, most compassionate person I have ever known. This friendship was the pinnacle of any friendship I ever had. After school I was living in another city for university and only saw M maybe once a month. But I would lose contact with him 5 years after school and I was completely wrecked.

M actually phoned me to inform me that he is holding a farewell party because he was moving to UK the following week. I was shocked and in denial. How did he plan all this withouth saying a word before?
I did not attend the party because I could not handle the sorrow. I hoped that he was lying. You need a boat load of cash to emigrate because that was what all the expat experts told me at university.

I tried to phone him eventually to no avail and went back to hometown and found that M's flat was empty. His cell had been disconnected. I started phoning another friend "D" that I know saw M every day.
D's phone went straight to voicemail. I drove to D's house but could not find him. I phoned D every day for weeks hoping he would answer but then his number was disconnected as well. They were both gone.

Tentative was on repeat for years, I was spiralling out of control.

Over the years I became severely depressed and barely managed to finish my degree, and surprisingly found a job at a software developer. One night I remembered that M once mentioned his email address.
I shot out an email and waited for what seemed like ages.

But he actually responded within minutes. It had been 4 years after M disappeared and I found him. After a brief conversation it seemed he was living the good life in UK, married with children.
But I got the feeling that he was not really interested in chatting and I left it at that.

I was really sad that M was able to just move on. I was not able to do the same and just became a very sad person, severely depressed still.

Today, 15 years after my mate left for UK I found him on facebook. This would make it easier right, with the meme-sharing and all? I tried to tread lightly at first but then pretty much bombarded him with questions. Where do you live, where do you work, how are the kids, where is a nice place to stay if I come to visit...

M's responses were pretty meh. Neutral at best. I just could not understand why and it made me so sad. I lit up a fat joint while studying his photos and by using landmarks and the UK yellow pages managed to locate
his exact address... and uhm.. his in-laws' address. And their best friend's address. Definitely not possible without pot.

With my new-found insight of the phat rolled doobie I put myself in M's shoes to try and make sense of it all. It then hit me like a ton of bricks. While he may have been *my* best friend, that does not mean that I was *his* best friend. Pothead travels back in time to find someone from our little group that maybe could have seen *me* as a best friend. Like a role reverse of sorts. I did manage
to find one and yikes with a capital Y. If that person contacted me like this I would be creeped tf out.

I am a donkeybrain with a certificate to prove it. Bawling my eyes out when I realized that my best friend was never my best friend.

My new myBB best friends, what is wrong with me?
 
People change ... I am not the same person I was at 20 / 30 or now in mid 40's.

Life experiences and events shifts focus / give life different meanings.

Appreciate what you had - accept it and move on with new relationships/friendships.
 
Okay so what's your real username?

Anywho sounds like you might have felt something stronger than just friendly feelings for "M".
Been there done that, move on with your life and don't dwell in the past, if you're stuck in the past you have no hope of finding anything like that again in the future.
 
I met my best friend "M" in Standard 2 but only really became best friends in Std 8. He was friendliest, most compassionate person I have ever known. This friendship was the pinnacle of any friendship I ever had. After school I was living in another city for university and only saw M maybe once a month. But I would lose contact with him 5 years after school and I was completely wrecked.

M actually phoned me to inform me that he is holding a farewell party because he was moving to UK the following week. I was shocked and in denial. How did he plan all this withouth saying a word before?
I did not attend the party because I could not handle the sorrow. I hoped that he was lying. You need a boat load of cash to emigrate because that was what all the expat experts told me at university.

I tried to phone him eventually to no avail and went back to hometown and found that M's flat was empty. His cell had been disconnected. I started phoning another friend "D" that I know saw M every day.
D's phone went straight to voicemail. I drove to D's house but could not find him. I phoned D every day for weeks hoping he would answer but then his number was disconnected as well. They were both gone.

Tentative was on repeat for years, I was spiralling out of control.

Over the years I became severely depressed and barely managed to finish my degree, and surprisingly found a job at a software developer. One night I remembered that M once mentioned his email address.
I shot out an email and waited for what seemed like ages.

But he actually responded within minutes. It had been 4 years after M disappeared and I found him. After a brief conversation it seemed he was living the good life in UK, married with children.
But I got the feeling that he was not really interested in chatting and I left it at that.

I was really sad that M was able to just move on. I was not able to do the same and just became a very sad person, severely depressed still.

Today, 15 years after my mate left for UK I found him on facebook. This would make it easier right, with the meme-sharing and all? I tried to tread lightly at first but then pretty much bombarded him with questions. Where do you live, where do you work, how are the kids, where is a nice place to stay if I come to visit...

M's responses were pretty meh. Neutral at best. I just could not understand why and it made me so sad. I lit up a fat joint while studying his photos and by using landmarks and the UK yellow pages managed to locate
his exact address... and uhm.. his in-laws' address. And their best friend's address. Definitely not possible without pot.

With my new-found insight of the phat rolled doobie I put myself in M's shoes to try and make sense of it all. It then hit me like a ton of bricks. While he may have been *my* best friend, that does not mean that I was *his* best friend. Pothead travels back in time to find someone from our little group that maybe could have seen *me* as a best friend. Like a role reverse of sorts. I did manage
to find one and yikes with a capital Y. If that person contacted me like this I would be creeped tf out.

I am a donkeybrain with a certificate to prove it. Bawling my eyes out when I realized that my best friend was never my best friend.

My new myBB best friends, what is wrong with me?
https://www.reddit.com/r/askgaybros/
Join here, You will finally realize you are gay and the world will open up to you. Maybe join grindr too, you might find a new bestfriend there.
 
You never got over your first love (I know you called it friendship), but now you cannot handle it. Maybe M, realised you were giving off gay vibes and hoping for more, hence his neutral stance with you.

@Brian_G had a poll about whether or not there are guys who had not yet accepted the truth.
 
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