Wondering about mother

[copacetic]

No.
you said you felt sorry for being rude to her but you were only "rude"(which I dont think you were) cos she was.
what i was saying is just cos sister had a hard childhood doesnt mean she can be rude.

Oh, no - It was not my intention to suggest this at all.

All I meant was that it is easy to shout at people over the internet, without sometimes thinking about what they might be going through at any given moment, that's all.

 

[sister]

is that puppy incident the worst of the lot or did she do things like that a lot?
how is she now does she still do things like that or is she fine now?

actually i don't remember much else. it is always the puppy incident. there are other vague memories. maybe the trauma wiped everything else out.

she's getting old and sometimes i think she tries to make amends. i want to forget that one incident but simply can't.

 

[Sting]

actually i don't remember much else. it is always the puppy incident. there are other vague memories. maybe the trauma wiped everything else out.

she's getting old and sometimes i think she tries to make amends. i want to forget that one incident but simply can't.

Make amends, but on your terms.

Explain the trauma she has caused you.

You both need closure.

 

[Celine]

i had an issue with my mother as well but not cruelty. i wanted to know why i was in a home and she didn't care blah blah blah.
so i confronted her one day when i was older and had a child of my own. as i put the question to her something just came over me and before she could answer me i said "too late you had your chance i don't want to know your reason, there isn't any reason a parent can do that to any child whatsoever, i'm over it". from then on i moved on. i did speak to her over the years but there was always this wall between us till the day she died.
sister there are some of us who have happy childhood memories and some of us don't, i speak from witnessing from friends who i visited their homes. so you need to put it behind you and remember that one day your mother will no longer be with you and perhaps if you don't make amends and start speaking, even if there is that bit of tension between you, you may regret it for the rest of your life. so my advise is to speak to her and put the episode behind you, she had her reasons and it's too late now for questions, you don't want to know. you know within your heart you would never do something like that.

 

[Helghast]

home as in orphanage? I remember you talking about that but I forgot what the answer was...

 

[Celine]

sort of like an orphanage yes, but most of the girls who were in the home, their parents were alive so i wouldn't say orphanage? or what?

 

[sister]

sort of like an orphanage yes, but most of the girls who were in the home, their parents were alive so i wouldn't say orphanage? or what?

do you mean the parents put the children there? or did social services remove them from their parents?

 

[undesign]

Today is father's day and I wish that my dad was around so that I can share a special moment with him. Instead I have to pause and give some thought to my mother.

I have these images of my mother that haunts me day and night. When I was little, our dog had a litter of puppies. My mother drowned all the puppies in a bucket of water because she didn't want to be "stuck with the responsibility". She was cruel and mean. Some of the flashbacks are vague but the one that haunts me is the drowned puppies.

Now I find myself wondering if she thinks about her life or if she regrets some of these things. Over the years I tried to stay on good terms, move on and forget the things she had done. But the harder I try, the more it haunts me.

I try to put myself in her position and imagine that she regrets her cruelty and that she would admit to or try to make up for her mistakes. But every few weeks something happens that reminds me of the mother I remember from my childhood.

I don't want to see her again or have to talk to her or spend time with her. I don't hate her. I just don't want to see her. And I wish that my father was the one who survived.

If it is the truth I feel sorry for you and hope you can make amends with your mother one day - or at least discuss it properly and hopefully put it completely behind you. It's a horrible experience. I must hasten to add that I have no reason not to believe you...I just have this nagging feeling that this could be one of your "forum debate experiments" you seem to be fond of.

 

[MR.C]

Sister, remember that there different ways of communication. If you can't bring up the subject face to face, you can call her. If you can't do that, you can send her a letter, email or snail mail so that you'll can explain each others sides without interruption.
Maybe its troubling you more often cos you thinking that maybe you, being the daughter, are also capable of same, and you just can't picture yourself ever being like that and its scaring you more than you can handle.

Are you like that ? If no then why are you worried ?

 

[sister]

Sister, remember that there different ways of communication. If you can't bring up the subject face to face, you can call her. If you can't do that, you can send her a letter, email or snail mail so that you'll can explain each others sides without interruption.
Maybe its troubling you more often cos you thinking that maybe you, being the daughter, are also capable of same, and you just can't picture yourself ever being like that and its scaring you more than you can handle.

Are you like that ? If no then why are you worried ?

it does worry me that my mother was (is) capable of doing it. after all, she is my biological mother.
there may have been a very good reason for her doing that. if i had an inkling of a justification, it wouldn't bother me.

i know that i'm not capable of killing anything other than the odd fly, mozzie or cockroach.

SiriS

i'm not much of an internet surfer and you are right that i do sometimes try out different things.

this, however, is not an experiment. one thing i do like about this forum, is that people respond randomly and more objectively and honestly than in a one-on-one conversation.

i am after the objective opinion, even when it hurts.
over the years i have heard various responses to this sordid little tale, such as: just move on and forget about it / it was nothing man, just forget about it / she did the puppies a favor because this is a cruel world. obviously i find these responses very unsatisfactory. if i could just forget about it and move on, i would.

i lost another puppy because of my mother's cruelty. someone gave me a puppy for my birthday. she insisted that the puppy could not sleep inside the house, even though it was freezing cold outside. the puppy tried to cuddle up with our alsation and in the end the alsation got irritated and killed the puppy. i was devastated. my mother did not even try to console me. she simply told me to go and bury the "thing" somewhere in the garden.
when i got myself a puppy a few years ago, i could not imagine letting it sleep outside. at that point the cruelty of her refusal to allow the little dog inside the house, hit me right between the eyes. all was fine until that day. i think that as a child i simply accepted what had happened, even though it was a devastating loss in both cases. i did not question these bizarre actions until i left home.

this is also the reason why i rejected my mother's religion and outlook on life. she is, to this day, obsessed with the bible. my mother does not approve of my lifestyle and condemns my non-religious existence. initially i found it gratifying to oppose her. over time i got used to the idea of making my own decisions and believing what i want to.

 

[Celine]

do you mean the parents put the children there? or did social services remove them from their parents?

mostly the social welfare removed the children. some were abused, some had parents who were alcoholics, some were abandoned. many different cases.

sister, i think you should talk face to face with your mother and tell her you remember this and how it has affected you all these years. you may get relief from it you may not but i don't think writing a letter to her is the answer. it has been gnawing at you for too long now and you need finality here. so the sooner you do it the better and i really think you need to make amends before it is too late. remember one thing, you need to say i forgive you and i still love you before it's too late.

 

[sister]

mostly the social welfare removed the children. some were abused, some had parents who were alcoholics, some were abandoned. many different cases.

sister, i think you should talk face to face with your mother and tell her you remember this and how it has affected you all these years. you may get relief from it you may not but i don't think writing a letter to her is the answer. it has been gnawing at you for too long now and you need finality here. so the sooner you do it the better and i really think you need to make amends before it is too late. remember one thing, you need to say i forgive you and i still love you before it's too late.

i tried to talk to her about it. she just sighs and looks the other way. if she would explain this to me, i would not feel this way.

your last sentence is exactly what worries me. she is still alive and yes, i would love to say that i forgive her but i don't even know if i can tell her that i love her and be sincere about it.

it bugs me.

 

[Patty]

@ Sister. A few questions for you.

More or less at what age were you when the puppy drowning occurred?
What did your dad do / say about this incident then (if you remember) and later on in life when you were older?
At what age did you leave your mother's household?
Besides the overall effect what triggered the point where you stopped talking to your mom?
What did your dad say about your mom in general?

 

[BLIXEMPIE]

Wow! This was a shocker of a thread.

 

[undesign]

SiriS

i'm not much of an internet surfer and you are right that i do sometimes try out different things.

this, however, is not an experiment. one thing i do like about this forum, is that people respond randomly and more objectively and honestly than in a one-on-one conversation.

i am after the objective opinion, even when it hurts.

OK cool, apologies if I offended you. I'm not much of a psychologist, but I agree with a previous poster - if possible, try to address the issue with your mother. We can never reclaim the time and possibilities of reconciliation or at least a better understanding after our parents are gone. You may one day rue any decision not to pursue the matter. It doesn't have to be about forgiveness, maybe it's about getting closure. What your mother did is unforgivable and terrible, but she may have been depressed - I wouldn't know. In the end it's about how much it bothers you, how much it affects you emotionally etc. etc that will decide whether you are going to force your mother to sit down and talk it out.

 

[Celine]

i tried to talk to her about it. she just sighs and looks the other way. if she would explain this to me, i would not feel this way.

your last sentence is exactly what worries me. she is still alive and yes, i would love to say that i forgive her but i don't even know if i can tell her that i love her and be sincere about it.

it bugs me.

sister there are times when we will never know why people do the things they do, so we have to accept and move forward in our own lives. you need to go to her and put your arms around her and tell her you love her. whether she responds in her own weird way must not impact you in any way. this is your closure to this ordeal that has haunted you for so long. you say you have asked her and she shrugs it off, well thats exactly the type of person my mother was. this is the type of person they are. we cannot change them, what we can do is learn from them and when you have your children do the exact opposite. i am not anything like my mother with my children. sure i don't have the maternal instincts but i sure do tell them i love them and live and laugh with them each day. father is very paternal. i put this down to being in a home and not having the mother figure there for me.
so - now the rest is in your hands, if you need to move forward and need the help to do so, then someone suggested seeing a therapist or someone. i agree, some people are just not strong enough to move on. so perhaps doing this can help you find the closure you're seeking. *hugs*

 

[sister]

@Patty
i was in grade I, which was a very traumatic year. when mom dropped me at school the first time, i cried all day and thought that she was going to leave me there forever. as for the puppy incident, it must have been couple of months later because we moved into another house, which seems to stand out in my memory.
the puppies were born in the evening. i went to school and couldn't wait to come home to look at the puppies. when i got home, the puppies were gone. i found them in the bucket of water. no, i don't remember anything after that. i did not see her do it but she was the only one at home - she was very cross when i went all hysterical about it. my dad left early that morning for work and even if he said anything about it, i don't remember.

i left home at age 17 after i finished grade 12. as i said, the memory of this incident surfaced when i got my first puppy. i never stopped talking to my mom. i avoid her for long periods of time. she constantly phones or sends me little bible verses that really gets my knickers in a knot, although i simply delete it and don't say anything about it. we are "in touch" but not really talking.

@SiriS, i'm not offended at all, so don't worry about it. you are exactly right: it is closure that i need. if i know why or how a person can do this kind of thing, it will stop bugging me. if it was not my mother who did it, it wouldn't bug me. most people get depressed at some point. i have been through spells of depression but never felt the urge to kill a pet - i don't buy that. for obvious reasons this is a major issue in my life and has been for a while.

@Celene, i have seen a therapist. his response was that it is an awful thing to do and that was it. but you are right, i need to get closure and put this thing behind me. maybe i'm looking for a therapist who will tell me that my mother suffered from temporary insanity or that she has borderline personality or something. anything that will explain it and assure me that it is not in the genes.

sorry about the shocker Blixempie.

 

[Celine]

the thing is you are not going to get the answer you are looking for and you are the only one who will be able to answer this yourself. whether you finally say to yourself, my mother was an awful person for doing this and it wasn't me who did it and move on from it, you are going to find yourself continually thinking about it that it eats at you for the rest of your life. to me it sounds as if it has/had no affect on your mother whatsoever. she did it and has forgotten about it.
remember this, you are not the one who has to answer for this your mother is. so why are you bashing yourself over it.
you can't let it ruin the rest of your life now. she is never going to give you finality here. she is old now and i think that people in their older years just want to live out their final years peacefully - turning to the bible and christianity in the hope that any evil doings they may have done in their lives will be forgiven for when they finally die. what you need to remember is that you can thank the lucky stars that your mother has lived a lengthy life in order for her to turn to her christianity to ask for forgiveness for whatever misdeeds she has committed during her years. there are people who die suddenly not saying goodbye to their loved ones, who haven't committed any crimes or evils whatsever.
i hope that you can find it within yourself to let this go and move on with your life eventually as i am of the opinion that like me, you possibly won't find a conclusion here.

 

[murraybiscuit]

find a shrink who cares. try opening up more to the shrink, as scary as it sounds.
be strong enough to believe that for once, you can trust somebody to care for you.

puppies clearly represent something deeper than mere companionship (need for reciprocated love, meaning, sense of worth)
you clearly still have issues there, understandably.

don't let fears of the past can prevent you from having meaningful relationships, and experiencing joy in life.
freedom comes through understanding that we give ourselves permission to feel, think and believe.
your mother holds no sway in your life anymore, you are in control, your past does not need to bind you.

even if you do speak to your mother, it won't give you handles on how to deal with habitual, ingrained defence mechanisms and learned behaviours.
you need decent professional consultation for that.

 

[D3x]

Guys, everyone is now on about his/her mother....

I'm trying to understand what kind of a life he/she has growing up under such a house hold.
This is a very sad thread tbh. I'm honestly at a loss for words on this forum for the first time in 4 years.....

Blood is thicker than water and you cannot choose your family.

I agree.

find a shrink who cares. try opening up more to the shrink, as scary as it sounds.
be strong enough to believe that for once, you can trust somebody to care for you.

puppies clearly represent something deeper than mere companionship (need for reciprocated love, meaning, sense of worth)
you clearly still have issues there, understandably.

don't let fears of the past can prevent you from having meaningful relationships, and experiencing joy in life.
freedom comes through understanding that we give ourselves permission to feel, think and believe.
your mother holds no sway in your life anymore, you are in control, your past does not need to bind you.

even if you do speak to your mother, it won't give you handles on how to deal with habitual, ingrained defence mechanisms and learned behaviours.
you need decent professional consultation for that.

Awesome advice, well said...