Your reaction / actions for this situation?

[ShaunSA]

You're trying to imply consequences for wrong choices and actions? Well yes, you're right, but hindsight is also 20/20. People can change for the worse.

People change. But families don't

 

[Corelli]

My partner has a daughter, pre-teen and very observant. She spent Xmas eve with her biological dad at his families house.
The house was quite full so her, the dad and the dads girlfriend shared a room.
Dad and girlfriend got drunk, and had sex in the room that evening while she was in it, apparently fairly vigorous sex.

She is pretty upset, the dad is not a particularly reasonable individual and a normal human conversation with him is likely to result in verbal abuse, denial, saying she is lying and then yelling at her when he sees her again.

I have a severe dislike for this individual and am probably not objective in what my reaction is. Interested to see if the general consensus is that I am blowing this out of proportion? I mean, I have had the kids open our bedroom door whilst we are in action, but that for me is a closed door when they were in their rooms and obviously we stopped...this feels different and just...not right.
There are other complexities with this and in my opinion he is just a terrible person, but would an objective person take this further than just a conversation with him that goes nowhere and a talk with the pre-teen in general or just leave it at that?

1. Speak to the mom
2. Mom has to see a social worker and possibly a lawyer.
3. ITS NOT YOUR KID, SO LEGALLY YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS OR SAY...YET. UNTIL YOURE MARRIED TO THE MOM, or in A LEGAL SPOUSAL RELATIONSHIP

But in all honesty, my kids got taugh sex ed at age 8. They even know about gay, bi trans and so forth. So now I have to hear how my 9 year old says two of his friends are gay and this one girl in class is Lesbian.

So honestly its not like it used to be when we grew up. With the new education system, everthing is out of the door.So just live with it. If she has issue, then a social worker for counselling.

 

[MagNorthDigital]

Syntax, this is a tough one. For multiple reasons. And no matter what you do, someone is going to push your buttons.

So first, and most importantly, protect, the kiddo, your partner and yourself.

Corelli makes an excellent point in the fact that you cannot act as the guardian until you are legally bound to the two of them. But that does not stop you from setting concrete boundaries.

So you need to decide (with your partner) what these boundaries are. Make them reasonable and make them defendable.

This guy is the type to go nuclear when he is so much as corrected. Any adversity gets his full might (it's pathetic really), and I am 200% sure in a proper fight you would hang him out with the laundry.

So bouncing him like a basketball puts you on the back foot, as you are not defending your family, you are attacking him.

This is why I say, set clear boundaries for what he can and cannot do while you are part of their lives. You know what that will look like.

Know that he WILL retaliate as soon as he perceives his manhood is being challenged. Be ready for this, because he will step out of line, and then you can truly, defend yourself and the people you care about.

If however he does not step over the line, your boundaries are respected and this situation is controlled.

As for the child, her mom needs to sit with her, possibly with a professional, and level things out, talk in the open. This is something you can support and encourage, but not necessarily something you should be part of.

Think about 10 years from now. Be the guy she can turn to, as a beacon of strength AND control. A lighthouse when she might have otherwise been swept away by the storms of life.

All the best.

 

[bwana]

ITS NOT YOUR KID, SO LEGALLY YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS OR SAY...YET. UNTIL YOURE MARRIED TO THE MOM, or in A LEGAL SPOUSAL RELATIONSHIP

Even then, under the law, a step parent has no automatic legal rights to his spouse's children that I can find. They're not even considered legal guardians under SA law, merely custodians. That obviously changes if he adopts his step child.

 

[syntax]

So they are the backyard scrapyard family your missus married into on her own free will

I think that was my point

Well, she had a relationship with him when she was young, fell pregnant and now is stuck with him and his family being somewhat in her life.
He is extremely charismatic and charming when he wants to be, and then he drinks and he is not a good person