I am your fiance, not your employee!

techead

techead

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well that is what she said :erm:

My fiance has a new job, and has been there for about 2 months. Things have been going pretty well, and she managed to escape from her old company that was going down the tubes. Things are apparently looking really bad there, and she has been really happy at her new position, and hasnt looked back...

until last Friday.

I must mention that she was hired with intention to fill a more senior role in due time, once she had learnt the ropes a bit and fitted in with the people etc etc.

So they have been giving her small tasks to complete, you know a bit of this and a bit of that. Monday last week they have her a huge task, and she was responsible to complete it by the end of Friday.

the SO gave continuous feedback during the week, and when eventually the end of Friday came the boss said "leave xxx on my desk and I will review". She was not done, she missed the deadline. She had thought that because she was giving this constant feedback during the week that the boss would have realised that she would NOT have been able to be finished by the end of the day.

They called her in and told her that it was a test, that they are very disappointed in her etc etc. Basically crushed her self belief, confidence, everything... so its all tears and drama now.

Now we argue :mad:

As a manager myself, of my own department, I can see she was in the wrong. She missed a deadline and that is the end of that.

Its really hard to comfort someone who is taking it all WAAAY too personally, when its just business. Im a firm believer that when you make a mistake you pick yourself up and move on...

Not sit and wallow in self pity blah blah blah blah...

so now Im the big bad wolf :(
 
Does not want advice, wants compassion (I make the same mistake all the time).
 
techead said:
well that is what she said :erm:
/snip
so now Im the big bad wolf :(
Click to expand...

Lol dude, com on. She's your fiance, surely by now you know all she wants is your support. She just wants some empathy. Girls generally don't want advice when they tell you these things. They want empathy, try something like, ah no babe that's terrible. You must feel really horrible about that...

Then just let her talk.

She knows deep down that she screwed up. She just wants to get over it emotionally first.
 
AstroTurf said:
Does not want advice, wants compassion (I make the same mistake all the time).
Click to expand...

KaladinStormblessed said:
Lol dude, com on. She's your fiance, surely by now you know all she wants is your support. She just wants some empathy. Girls generally don't want advice when they tell you these things. They want empathy, try something like, ah no babe that's terrible. You must feel really horrible about that...

Then just let her talk.

She knows deep down that she screwed up. She just wants to get over it emotionally first.
Click to expand...

Agree. Should be common knowledge by now :p
 
yeah Im starting to see... but it makes absolutely ZERO sense.

i live an objective logical life, that is where I got to where I am today!

I told her that she made her bed she needs to lie in it. Which in hindsight was a d!ck thing to say... she says Im too harsh. I guess I can be

ai
 
techead said:
yeah Im starting to see... but it makes absolutely ZERO sense.

i live an objective logical life, that is where I got to where I am today!

I told her that she made her bed she needs to lie in it. Which in hindsight was a d!ck thing to say... she says Im too harsh. I guess I can be

ai
Click to expand...

Don't get it either, still trip up from time to time when the solution is so simple (in my mind) and I blurt it out without thinking.
very confusing when someone asks for advice but actually only want a hug...
 
Yea.. you got it wrong...

You should have said: "Babe, I too know what it is like to miss a deadline. I too know what it is like to make assumptions. I too know what it is like to screw the pooch. There there, it will all be ok.. "

Tho I must say that administering a test without informing the person its a test is a dick move.
 
MickeyD said:
I've heard it a "few" times myself.... "I'm your wife not your employee"! :D
Click to expand...

I often used to make the mistake of saying "other people", to which the response is, "I am not other people :mad:"...

Madman88 said:
You should have said: "Babe, I too know what it is like to miss a deadline. I too know what it is like to make assumptions. I too know what it is like to screw the pooch. There there, it will all be ok.. "
Click to expand...

And don't forget to offer her a warm beverage.
 
Right, so that you know for future reference:

95% of the time, all she wants is comfort and not advice or solutions.
3% of the time she wants advice and she will ask for it outright.
2% of the time, you won't know what she wants, and will have to risk asking outright - want advice or just snuggles?

It's probably the #1 difference between men and women: You're logic-driven. We're feelings-driven.

PS - ANY situation like this is a good opportunity to score schnuggles. Even if she wants advice and asks for it outright, give her schnuggles and comfort anyway. Therefore you should definitely respond with schnuggles 100% of the time.

NB! This solution only applies if you have that sort of relationship to begin with. Please don't try to schnuggle the girl you ran into in the kitchen at the office or at the KFC who randomly chats to you and complains about something. Might end badly. You have been warned.
 
Last edited:
techead said:
yeah Im starting to see... but it makes absolutely ZERO sense.

i live an objective logical life, that is where I got to where I am today!

I told her that she made her bed she needs to lie in it. Which in hindsight was a d!ck thing to say... she says Im too harsh. I guess I can be

ai
Click to expand...

I see what you did there .. :whistle:
 
techead said:
As a manager myself, of my own department, I can see she was in the wrong. She missed a deadline and that is the end of that.

Its really hard to comfort someone who is taking it all WAAAY too personally, when its just business. Im a firm believer that when you make a mistake you pick yourself up and move on...

Not sit and wallow in self pity blah blah blah blah...

so now Im the big bad wolf :(
Click to expand...

Erm.... your job to your spouse is to be the shoulder to cry on. Yes by all means tell her yur opinion in a "lighter version" than:" you are wrong and they are fair".

This is a relationship and you sound like you are trying to solve it as a business problem.

Good luck with that.
 
You have to take her side regardless. I am guilty of not doing this.
 
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