Abusive Family

Wall

Wall

Sports Addict
Joined
Mar 12, 2009
Messages
30,855
Reaction score
291
Location
Jozi
My mum and dad were fighting yesterday and they started to hit each other. I stepped in the middle and tried to separate them but they weren't budging... so in that moment i landed a punch to my dad in an effort to stop them... I feel terribly guilty about hitting my dad, as we were taught at a young age, not to fight / hit our elders but considering the situation i couldn't help it.

my parents have been in this type of relationship for as long as i can remember ( i am 22). I need / WANT peace AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF FIGHTING AND I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE. I have considered moving out of my parents home but i cannot afford to financially + they are both unemployed and my brothers and I are the breadwinners in our home. so if i move out: 1) i won't make it on my own. 2) who will provide for my parents?

divorce seems like the best way out but after all these years i doubt either of them will file for a divorce.

I can't take this **** anymore....

any advice is appreciated as to what i should do.
 
Last edited:
Can you not move out and share a place with someone else in order to help you carry the financial burden ?

I know I come across as harsh, but IMO you need not live your life surrounded by negative energy like this.

A home is supposed to be a place of refuge, calmness and peace.

It is not your job to act as peacekeeper between your parents.

You have a right to the conditions I mentioned above. You are clearly not going to get it at your parents' home, so move on.

I am not saying that you should abandon them or not help them financially if you can, but their personal (relationship) problems are NOT your problems and you should not have to carry that burden.
 
They need to separate at least & maybe live with each of you separately. The financial burden will probably still be too much but at least the fighting should stop.
 
Your folks are unemployed and probably at home together all day, which would make it much easier for them to find things to argue about. Perhaps find at least one of them a job so that they aren't in each other's company the entire day. Even if it doesn't reduce the hostility, they will have much less time to behave in the way they currently are.
 
1. They are not 5 year olds anymore
2. Your dad should not hit your mom
3. Your mom should not hit your dad or she deserves it then
4. Have you told them what you think of their behaviour?

Sit them down when they are sober & calm ( don't know if they drink & also not after a fight) tell them what you see & what you think & feel. Hopefully they will feel embarassed & stop their BS. Get them to call lifeline & go see a couples councillor.

But most importantly @ your age you are starting your life & deserve to live life, not get to 60 & have had a life of BS.
 
ChilliGirl said:
3. Your mom should not hit your dad or she deserves it then
Click to expand...

Are you Amish? NOBODY deserves this.

But most importantly @ your age you are starting your life & deserve to live life, not get to 60 & have had a life of BS.
Click to expand...

Agreed. So many people think they have to endure the cards life throws at them and the situations they are in. No! You deserve to be happy and if your circumstances are filled with negative energy, remove that from your life.

Too many people think they will get a medal at the gates of heaven for having 'suffered' in life. Rubbish.
 
blunomore said:
Are you Amish? NOBODY deserves this.
Click to expand...

Not a chance! But she clearly does not mind hidings or dishing them out. From what I read it seems that the punches go both ways. She shoulda left the dude a long time ago. Maybe the OP woulda had a happier childhood then.

blunomore said:
Agreed. So many people think they have to endure the cards life throws at them and the situations they are in. No! You deserve to be happy and if your circumstances are filled with negative energy, remove that from your life.

Too many people think they will get a medal at the gates of heaven for having 'suffered' in life. Rubbish.
Click to expand...

Yes, you only live this life once.
 
are they actively looking for jobs- or are they comfortable with the fact that you are willing to provide for them, and so there isn't as much of an incentive to work. if that is true you going to be stuck there for a long time.

if you guys are the bread winners then they must play by your rules. they dont like it, you cut them off- you need to use a little tough love there. Its good to help your parents out, but sometimes people need to learn responsibility. its like those people that keep borrowing money because they cant pay their debts, but they have dstv, eat out every night etc.

Guess what Im trying to say is work out a strategy with your brothers, use that as leverage and hang in there until you can afford to move out- like I said its good to help them out, but if they not willing to do their part, then you may have to walk away.
 
It is a sad world to live in when kids are caught up in domestic squabble. The trauma and distress will scar you emotionally for the rest of your life.
 
...aTrueASL said:
Is alcohol involved? If yes, then I suggest you leave and sort out your own life.
Click to expand...

No alcohol is involved. they will not seek new jobs as they are both at a pensionable age.
SinghDude said:
It is a sad world to live in when kids are caught up in domestic squabble. The trauma and distress will scar you emotionally for the rest of your life.
Click to expand...

are you scared dear brother???????
I will call you later to chat...
 
SinghDude said:
It is a sad world to live in when kids are caught up in domestic squabble. The trauma and distress will scar you emotionally for the rest of your life.
Click to expand...

I agree 100% ... on the surface , people may look like they came out of it OK ... but that is the mask they wear, and sooner or later that mask slips.

I wish parents knew what they did to their kids everytime they commit an act of abuse - any abuse.
 
ChilliGirl said:
1. They are not 5 year olds anymore
2. Your dad should not hit your mom
3. Your mom should not hit your dad or she deserves it then
4. Have you told them what you think of their behaviour?

Sit them down when they are sober & calm ( don't know if they drink & also not after a fight) tell them what you see & what you think & feel. Hopefully they will feel embarassed & stop their BS. Get them to call lifeline & go see a couples councillor.

But most importantly @ your age you are starting your life & deserve to live life, not get to 60 & have had a life of BS.
Click to expand...

This will never work.
 
wallsend said:
My mum and dad were fighting yesterday and they started to hit each other. I stepped in the middle and tried to separate them but they weren't budging... so in that moment i landed a punch to my dad in an effort to stop them... I feel terribly guilty about hitting my dad, as we were taught at a young age, not to fight / hit our elders but considering the situation i couldn't help it.

my parents have been in this type of relationship for as long as i can remember ( i am 22). I need / WANT peace AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF FIGHTING AND I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE. I have considered moving out of my parents home but i cannot afford to financially + they are both unemployed and my brothers and I are the breadwinners in our home. so if i move out: 1) i won't make it on my own. 2) who will provide for my parents?

divorce seems like the best way out but after all these years i doubt either of them will file for a divorce.

I currently hate my life and can't take this **** anymore....

any advice is appreciated as to what i should do.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry to hear about your sad situation.

You should not feel guilty about hitting your dad. You did the only thing you could to try and stop the situation, you have my respect, not because of the 'hit', but because you acted and because you care.

I feel that you have taken on a responsibility that is not yours to carry. Of course all of us care about our parents, but you must understand that they are adults who can take care of themselves and sort out their own lives.

The role of a parent is to nurture a child and to gift that child with the skills to leave home and become independent and start their own life.

It is time for you to find a way to leave home, there are many people who rent out rooms, perhaps this is an option you should consider and one that should be affordable.

If you are being or have been emotionally manipulated (ie your parents have made you feel that you are responsible for them and that you owe them something), then it's time for you to break the spell.

You are your own man now, an adult, and so are they, you must do what it takes for you to survive and be a content person, and remaining at home is simply no longer a choice, I hope you find the strength to leave.
 
You WILL make it on your own. It might not be easy. But it will be infinitely better for you not to be in that abusive environment.
I'm not saying you should stop helping your parents, but you should definitely get the hell out.

IMO your brothers should also move out. Just that might just jerk your parents right, but be prepared to move out.

Once you are out of that environment it will be easier to help with important stuff like rent and food and easier to turn down the emotional stuff like smokes and alcohol.
 
Shame man. Can't you speak with you brothers, have them sit down and tell them that if they don't stop fighting all the working members of the family will find another place to stay?
 
wrathex said:
I'm sorry to hear about your sad situation.

You should not feel guilty about hitting your dad. You did the only thing you could to try and stop the situation, you have my respect, not because of the 'hit', but because you acted and because you care.

I feel that you have taken on a responsibility that is not yours to carry. Of course all of us care about our parents, but you must understand that they are adults who can take care of themselves and sort out their own lives.

The role of a parent is to nurture a child and to gift that child with the skills to leave home and become independent and start their own life.

It is time for you to find a way to leave home, there are many people who rent out rooms, perhaps this is an option you should consider and one that should be affordable.

If you are being or have been emotionally manipulated (ie your parents have made you feel that you are responsible for them and that you owe them something), then it's time for you to break the spell.

You are your own man now, an adult, and so are they, you must do what it takes for you to survive and be a content person, and remaining at home is simply no longer a choice, I hope you find the strength to leave.
Click to expand...

Madman88 said:
You WILL make it on your own. It might not be easy. But it will be infinitely better for you not to be in that abusive environment.
I'm not saying you should stop helping your parents, but you should definitely get the hell out.

IMO your brothers should also move out. Just that might just jerk your parents right, but be prepared to move out.

Once you are out of that environment it will be easier to help with important stuff like rent and food and easier to turn down the emotional stuff like smokes and alcohol.
Click to expand...

Two very good posts; valuable advice.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top
Sign up to the MyBroadband newsletter
X