Abusive Family

wrathex said:
I'm sorry to hear about your sad situation.

You should not feel guilty about hitting your dad. You did the only thing you could to try and stop the situation, you have my respect, not because of the 'hit', but because you acted and because you care.

I feel that you have taken on a responsibility that is not yours to carry. Of course all of us care about our parents, but you must understand that they are adults who can take care of themselves and sort out their own lives.

The role of a parent is to nurture a child and to gift that child with the skills to leave home and become independent and start their own life.

It is time for you to find a way to leave home, there are many people who rent out rooms, perhaps this is an option you should consider and one that should be affordable.

If you are being or have been emotionally manipulated (ie your parents have made you feel that you are responsible for them and that you owe them something), then it's time for you to break the spell.

You are your own man now, an adult, and so are they, you must do what it takes for you to survive and be a content person, and remaining at home is simply no longer a choice, I hope you find the strength to leave.
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I think it's easier said than done.
 
Wallsend I moved out of my parents' house when i was 16, went to go live with my grandparents for a year then basically did it on my own since then. It's not impossible. I won't say it's easy but you'll find strength to make it work. Is there anything you can do work-wise if you do leave?
 
cerebus said:
Wallsend I moved out of my parents' house when i was 16, went to go live with my grandparents for a year then basically did it on my own since then. It's not impossible. I won't say it's easy but you'll find strength to make it work. Is there anything you can do work-wise if you do leave?[/QUOTE]

what do you mean?
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cerebus said:
Wallsend I moved out of my parents' house when i was 16, went to go live with my grandparents for a year then basically did it on my own since then. It's not impossible. I won't say it's easy but you'll find strength to make it work. Is there anything you can do work-wise if you do leave?
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I was 21 when my parents moved overseas, so yes it's not easy but it's do-able. ( & I chose not to go with)
 
wallsend said:
I think it's easier said than done.
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It's a difficult decision to make but for your own peace of mind you don't have a choice. Be strong and move out and when you have your own family and home you will be an excellent husband and father having learnt from your parents mistakes.
You can't change people who don't want to change and moving on is your best option.
 
i sympathize with u. despite everything - they are your parents - and as they are getting on in years - it's a difficult situation.
just ignore them when they are at it. go out and return when things calm down. don't let it get to u. and pray.
 
I left my parents home the moment I got a job and could afford to get out. They were always fighting (since I can remember - 5 years old) and I couldn't stand it.

Get out now. Your life will change.
 
wallsend said:
I have considered moving out of my parents home but i cannot afford to financially + they are both unemployed and my brothers and I are the breadwinners in our home. so if i move out: 1) i won't make it on my own. 2) who will provide for my parents?
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First things first, you come first. Think about your future, your own family in the future, your kids and their kids etc. It's you who matters. It's harsh to think about this from the perspective of family, but family are no different to anyone else and often they will be more selfish in holding you back than anyone else.

Secondly, your parents made it this far in life. They will survive without you.
 
MissIndia said:
i sympathize with u. despite everything - they are your parents - and as they are getting on in years - it's a difficult situation.
just ignore them when they are at it. go out and return when things calm down. don't let it get to u. and pray.
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Because that's the solution to everything?

Prayer won't accomplish anything, action will.
 
blunomore said:
Are you Amish? NOBODY deserves this.
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Are you serious? So you think its fine for a woman to hit a man and there is no consequence to it?
Unless of course you didnt read the whole statement saying "3. Your mom should not hit your dad or she deserves it then"
 
wallsend said:
No alcohol is involved. they will not seek new jobs as they are both at a pensionable age.
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Just because you are at a pensionable age, doesn't mean that you can't work... If you need money and there is nothing physically preventing you from working, then you can work. Maybe they can get a half day job 3 days a week or something... Even volunteering somewhere is better than staying at home together all day
 
You mention them being at pensionable age, are they on pension or not? If not then they need to get some kind of job. Im sure being stuck around each other all day is what causes the fights. I love my wife more than anything but I can imagine how much we would fight if we spent every minute of every day together.
Get them involved in the community or something to keep them busy if they dont want to work.
Most of the people that have given advice in this thread are correct though, you need to get out of there. Abuse can be a vicious cycle and you dont want to subject your family to that one day.
 
Sorry to hear. IMO the best thing for you to do is encourage them to get help in the form of professional counselling. You probably need it too. I have spoken to a psychologist friend of mine on your behalf who gave me the number for Ithemba Trauma Centre - 011 422 4107 who are the best to speak to - they are in JHB but they can refer you or even help you over the phone. Call them, explain your story to them, and they can put you in touch with counsellors who can help you (and your family if they are willing as well) through this kind of ordeal. It is also completely free. They can also help directly without even referring you to specialists. If you'd like, I have the CEO of that centre's cell number if you don't have luck - just PM me if you need it. There is also Teddy Bear Clinic - 011 4844554 - remember you can call them up, give them your number and they will call you back. My friend is also looking up a pro-bono counselling centre in Durbs for you - when I get that I will post it here for you and anyone else who would like to use it.

It's important to remember that there is nothing shameful in talking to people about this - they hear about this kind of thing each and every day and are very well equipped and willing to help you out - they are volunteers mostly who want to help out. Talking about it on its own also has a very therapeutic feeling so please do it, sooner rather than later. This is something that could affect you for the rest of your life if you don't, and it could lead to a vicious cycle of abuse if you don't learn how to deal with it.

Chin up though - it's not the end of the world and doing something to resolve it could just be the best decision you ever make. Don't let it get you down...
 
Rocket-Boy said:
Are you serious? So you think its fine for a woman to hit a man and there is no consequence to it?
Unless of course you didnt read the whole statement saying "3. Your mom should not hit your dad or she deserves it then"
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Your reading comprehension ... it sucks.

Let me repeat: NOBODY deserves this.
 
DJ... said:
Sorry to hear. IMO the best thing for you to do is encourage them to get help in the form of professional counselling. You probably need it too. I have spoken to a psychologist friend of mine on your behalf who gave me the number for Ithemba Trauma Centre - 011 422 4107 who are the best to speak to - they are in JHB but they can refer you or even help you over the phone. Call them, explain your story to them, and they can put you in touch with counsellors who can help you (and your family if they are willing as well) through this kind of ordeal. It is also completely free. They can also help directly without even referring you to specialists. If you'd like, I have the CEO of that centre's cell number if you don't have luck - just PM me if you need it. There is also Teddy Bear Clinic - 011 4844554 - remember you can call them up, give them your number and they will call you back. My friend is also looking up a pro-bono counselling centre in Durbs for you - when I get that I will post it here for you and anyone else who would like to use it.

It's important to remember that there is nothing shameful in talking to people about this - they hear about this kind of thing each and every day and are very well equipped and willing to help you out - they are volunteers mostly who want to help out. Talking about it on its own also has a very therapeutic feeling so please do it, sooner rather than later. This is something that could affect you for the rest of your life if you don't, and it could lead to a vicious cycle of abuse if you don't learn how to deal with it.

Chin up though - it's not the end of the world and doing something to resolve it could just be the best decision you ever make. Don't let it get you down...
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Excellent advice.
 
Move out! It will force the both of them to find jobs & thus spend less time together which will mean less fighting.

They have had their turn at enjoying their lives & now its yours. ;) I am not saying you must write them off but when you look again, you going to be 30 & still in the same predicament & it will be much more difficult to solve.
 
OP, if you are seriously interested in getting some help, then PM me - I have the telephone numbers for a few psychologists in Durbs who do pro-bono work in this field and who can either help you out or point you in the right direction...
 
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