So today it became apparent to me how the rules of the road work in Port Elizabeth. As a special favour for all you myBB folk, I will post a condensed, revised and accurate guide below for your perusal.
1) Indicators are ornaments, there to increase the value of your car. Simply just turn which ever way you want to. You want to switch lanes? Go for it! Turning at an intersection? Sure thing, buddy! Oh, and if someone hoots at you because you didn't want to waste your precious lightbulbs on them, simply turn them on at the last moment to show them that they work and hoot back and/or throw them a zap sign or two. Swearing and shaking your fist is optional, because I mean, how dare they blame you for not using your valuable indicators? I heartily recommend hanging a little air freshener doohickey off your indicator stalk as you won't use it anyway and it has no chance of falling off.
2) Roundabouts and mini-circles? Pssssh, those are easy to navigate. Don't listen to all that 'rules of the road' nonsense. There is no such thing as 'wait your turn' in life, my friend. Simply go when you want to. If someone else is there before you, hoot and cuss at them until the sea cannot wash them clean. Also flash your lights at them - it seems to make them go faster. This is especially useful at night when there is low visibility. You can even keep your brights on if you end up behind them. Serves them right for driving in front of you!
3) You see those wet little droplets falling from the sky? When you see them, immediately halve or double your speed and turn your lights off. It is VERY IMPORTANT to either halve or double it - anything else simply will not do! This makes it easier for the other cars to see you, as refraction indices in rain droplets cause you to be COMPLETELY INVISIBLE if you drive at a normal speed with your lights on. Take care out there, folks!
4) Robots, or traffic lights as the foreigners call them, aren't human and therefore cannot force you to stop or go. Actually, it is just a piece of metal so you can go ahead and use the different lights as...let's call them
guidelines. If the robot turns green and you're in front, calmly put away your phone between your legs while you casually select first gear, disengage your handbrake and pull off. Ignore the people behind you flashing their lights and hooting; they need to realise your Whatsapp conversations or your makeup is a top priority above everything else. If you are more than a hundred meters away from an intersection and the robot turns bright orange, step on the gas! You don't want to waste a minute of your precious time waiting at a robot that someone else triggered with their pompous vehicle. Red you will find in the dictionary along with 'race', and you don't need me to explain this one - if you see red, you need to be thinking of the final lap at the F1 Grand Prix. Step on it and get across that intersect...finish line!
5) If you drive with your darling child inside your vehicle of choice, refrain from using a child seat on the back seat as these are known to cause all sorts of nasty diseases later on in life, even the bubonic plague! Simply let them stand on the front seat next to you and let them play with your seat controls, handbrake, gear lever and climate control settings. This is guaranteed to keep them entertained for the entire journey! Also, remember that sharing is caring so be sure to smoke while they are still inside the car. Think of how relaxed they will feel after they have been dropped off at the preschool!
6) Uphills and downhills. The road of life has them, and so does the roads of the province of the Eastern Cape. It is customary to crawl in the highest gear up any steep incline, as the lower your engine revolutions are (even below 1000), the more fuel you will save! Don't listen to salesmen bombarding you with sales tactics about torque curves and economic gear ratios for every scenario - they just want to sell you an overpriced, underspecced car you will never need! Also, don't listen to the hooting going on behind you as you go 40 or 50 kilometers per hour on the N2 - surround yourself with the calm thoughts of all the extra money you will have at the end of the month from your fuel saving tactics! On the other hand, when you get to a downhill, be sure to go as fast as your car will allow so you don't hold up the people behind you trying to overtake you. After all, you are actually doing THEM a favour by getting out of their way before the next incline...
