Chemotherapy

Wow. I had one of those "silent thud" moments, when I read your post. Thank you for sharing something so personal and for giving such profound insight.
 
I weep for you and with you Wrathex. I laugh with you and send peace and love your way.
 
You truly are an inspiration Wrath. Keeping you in my thoughts. Keep strong!
 
i don't know you but you truly are an inspiration and i wish you all the love and happiness in the world.
 
You're an amazing person. I think it helps that you are unburdened with thoughts of any 'after life', because those who believe or doubt would be terrified at the thought that they are going to die soon.
 
wrathex said:
Thank you everyone for your support, interest and comments,
this thread is helpful to me, as I can emerge from my reclusive
state to reach out and chat a bit here.

I know there is one question people are curious to hear an answer to,
but they are too shy and polite to ask.

What does it feel like to know you are going to be dead soon ?

You experience a chaotic mixture of emotions that bubble outwards
from your core self.

The core self is alone, it is just you.
Family, friends and children are not relevent in the core self.

You are suddenly on your own, a unique standalone intelligent lifeform
confronted with an inevitable shutdown.

The first thing you do is panic of course, how else do you get to
the calming down and laughing at yourself part ?

How did I panic ?
I had racing thoughts, a driving urge, I wanted to get my affairs in order immediately.
I wrote a Will and an 'After My Death Admin Document'.

Doing the above admin calmes you down.
You feel you are still in control.

(you are still in control, but the knowledge of
the impending shutdown makes you somehow
feel that you are no longer in control, Time
is now in control, your Time is limited and
incredibly valuable.)

You feel vindicated that you got the admin out of the way
you feel that you can now get on with dying without worrying about it.

People are surrounding you and being very helpful and engaging,
but you are receding, you are already detaching, retreating.

If you are a parent, you will experience many hours of thoughts about their
mysterious futures, you will mourn for their future mistakes and heartaches in
advance, you will cry for them and for yourself, because you wanted to be
there for them.

I feel relatively calm and positive about my daughter 25 and son 19,
as I was a full time parent (all in all I got to spend more time with my kids in
my lifetime - so very very fortunate)

Why relatively calm ?
Well, I can't help thinking about the general future they will be experiencing,
the dangers and tremendous challenges they will face in their lifetimes concerning
the big stuff like climate change to the planet, and I think about the small stuff;
will they choose to have a child ?

You read as much as you can about the physical/health aspect of your
upcoming shutdown, this helps you calm down or panic or both.

Eg: You try to calculate your countdown yourself, you want to pin it down,
you do not want to hear terms like: One year maybe one and a half to two, everyone is different.

Oncologists are vague especially when telling patient their diagnosis - which you have to ask to hear, they want you to remain positive and are always telling you about the one person who lived on for 16 months (managing to omit the obvious demise of the others lol)

There are times you feel sorry for yourself.
Suddenly you don't have a future.

The loss of the time I thought I would
have in the future, is a big loss to me.

Fortunately I have lived a very passionate
and instense life up to now and my history
Time is well compressed, rich and extremely dense.

I have decided to dose myself well with painkillers
towards the end, at home in bed is what I want,
in my family home, where I raised my children
and can sit under trees I planted, in the quiet
country village of Darling.

A good friend, an artist will live with me in the big old Victorian,
he cooks and will be my caretaker - at the end.

I am going to garden, read, play, sit, cook, bake,
walk, write, chain smoke,

Ultimately, you feel more and more alone as time passes,
you are preparing your final journey, you alone.

I am enjoying life just now, in fact,
I do exactly as I please at all times lol

I eat ice cream/chocolate/lamb chops and potatoes at 3am,
I game till I fall asleep. I sit in the sun and thousand yard stare
and think about everything.
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You want to depart with dignity.
Without drama or suffering to others.

You have existed !

________________________________________
Time to experience something truelly unknown.
When my cerebral super computer shuts down and releases my unique quantum signature into the ether

* The SPCA
Click to expand...

Heksie, i hope that my end time runs along these lines and not inside a sterile money grabbing machine.
Be blessed, love T.
 
Lucky lucky me

Quick update:

I went for a CT and MRI scan last week - no sign of cancer - I am in remission
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Now I have to come with a new gameplan, as I was just about getting into my coffin psychologically speaking.
 
WHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!!!!!! You go girl !!!!!!!
 
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