Death

[biometrics]

She was 68.

That's a decent age. My dad died age 64. Though my mother is still going at age 79 (not without issues) - some of them just keep going

Seems anywhere between 40-100 is fair game.

 

[medicnick83]

That's a decent age. My dad died age 64. Though my mother is still going at age 79 (not without issues) - some of them just keep going

Seems anywhere between 40-100 is fair game.

Tonight I had a friend over - seems people are talking to me alot - I'm going through the stages of anger right now, angry at my mother for various reasons... one being... if she just said yes to help earlier - she might not be dead - I know I'm not at fault, but I have to deal with these feelings - we all different but for now, that's my issue currently.

 

[biometrics]

Tonight I had a friend over - seems people are talking to me alot - I'm going through the stages of anger right now, angry at my mother for various reasons... one being... if she just said yes to help earlier - she might not be dead - I know I'm not at fault, but I have to deal with these feelings - we all different but for now, that's my issue currently.

*a lot









Sorry couldn't resist.

 

[Stefanmuller]

Condolences to you. Having to arrange the events immediately after death, including the funeral, is a daunting task. Having to get over the initial shock of losing a loved one and on top of that having to organise a funeral within mere days is surreal.

Two very important things to keep updated:

1) your last will and testament
2) a life file

Keep your will somewhere like at a lawyer or bank, as well as let your SO or next of kin know where to find it (with reference to where the life file can be found).

The life file is basically an indexed file containing all your policies, bank accounts, investments, store cards, properties, bonds, assets of value etc. It will typically contain a list of all of these, account/policy number, estimated value, a photo copy of all cards, description and registration of assets etc, name of institution etc. In the event of your untimely death, this file will indicate to your next of kin exactly all assets you own, policies that need to be claimed/cancelled, debt that need to be settled etc. Basically it also tells the next of kin who they need to inform about your death.

The file needs to be updated yearly. Can be hard copy in the form of a flip file or electronic.

I might not have much on the asset side of things, but do have some debt that I would rather prefer my next of kin to sort out quickly all at once than have to burden them with letters of demand months after I have gone. I know my policies will cover all my debt so I am not worried getting them involved with my debt, it is more about the emotional inconvenience of them being harassed by notices of outstanding R400 from Edgars or what have you six months down the line after being asked if they know where I am.

On a sidenote:
Seeing as much of our lives are spent and contained in the digital and social media sphere, you might consider listing things like email addresses, FB and other social media profiles, cell phone and PC logins etc so they know what to cancel. You can add logins/passwords should you want them to access these for whatever reason. When my brother died, for example, my mom was never added to his social media like FB, and she could not read all the many messages posted by friends after his death, while we all could. Maybe there are stuff on your PC etc. It depends on personal preference here obviously. Same goes for bank account logins especially if your spouse would be dependant on your income as the accounts will be eventually frozen within a few hours or days after the bank obtaining notice. You might want your spouse to be able to draw money after knowing about your death just to cover living expenses up untill everything has taken its legal course, which can take long.

 

[Nerfherder]

Thank you for this thread. I'm sure a lot of people will be helped by this. I know with my father-in-law's passing last year it was a lot to deal with and my mother-in-law was clueless.

Im really sorry for your loss, I can't imagine loosing a parent.

 

[Seriously]

Condolences. Sad to loose a family member especially parents. Calm and acceptance will come your way. Do not be to harsh on yourself.

 

[BandwidthAddict]

Sorry for your loss.

 

[Zyk1]

Sorry for your loss and thanks for sharing.
Very informative post which will affect us all at some point

 

[Wall]

Sorry to hear mate

 

[AstroTurf]

snip

It gets better and I know how that irritation feels. I was very much in Me vs the world mode when it came to anyone that was not close to me (and even with them) when my brother died.

Strongs and it gets better.

 

[CamiKaze]

My condolences man, sorry for your loss.

 

[HunterGR]

My Deepest condolences for your loss Nick.

I know exactly what you're going through as I went through it last year, with the only difference being that i was in cape Town and my mother was in Greece when she died.

Keep strong, and trust me, it will get better.

 

[Cray]

Condolences..

 

[creeper]

My condolences.

 

[Indigogirl]

Deeply sorry for your loss! Strength to you!

 

[Baxteen]

Condolances man.
I just went through something similar, my best friend, previous landlord, previous Boss, Mentor and Father figure in my life (all the same descriptions for one amazing person) passed away on the 10th of November.
And I know how much the process sucks.

stay strong.

 

[dzeeman]

I commend you for helping others even in your time of grieve.

It is part of life but terribly hard when a close family member pass away. My heart goes out to you during this time.
I lost my Mom due to cancer a few years back and I witnessed how she deteriorated and even though I knew her time was near - there was still hope. The day she died was still a shock despite me knowing.

My Dad was lost - paperwork was an issue - my Mom did the filing. The bank was a big hassle and I guess everything just turned to chaos. For some reason I still have my Mom's mobile number on my phone as well as her Skype contact. Yes, I have accepted and I can talk about it and it doesn't bother me that much anymore. I guess I keep it so not to forget her because as life goes on it is sometimes easier to forget.

Thank you again for this post. I am sure it will be helpful to many.

I wish you all the best.

 

[initroot]

Hi all,

Day 1

So yesterday I woke up - got ready to goto work - went to find out from my mom how she is feeling and remind and remind her that if she is not feeling better - I'm DRAGGING HER KICKING AND SCREAMING to hospital - instead, I found her dead.
Let's be honest - I'm shocked and I dunno how to explain how I feel.
No one prepares you for this - it was really only me and my mom - we didn't have the greatest relationship - but I'm not going to lecture you guys on that - the point of this thread is to tell you what to expect (if you haven't gone through this) and what to do, etc - I'm not claiming that this thread will have all the answers - I might need help but those that know me know - when I go through something hectic, I normally share my experiences so they - YOU - can learn from it in some form or another.

So... I found my mom dead - she must've died at some point early hours of the morning because she was stiff (Rigor Mortus) - I won't go into too much details but suffice to say, first call I made was my boss - I can't explain it, but she's like my other mother so I called her first (She my boss hey, and a Paramedic) and then I called the police - this all started at about 6:40am.

Boss arrived, confirmed the death (not that I needed it) and then one after the other I started to call the girlfriend (she should've been the 3rd call, but she wasn't - I wasn't thinking)
My colleagues arrived (support structure) and the word spread.

At about 10ish, the police arrived, they did their documents.

Here is the important thing;

For someone who has died, you need to know their medical history, have their ID's and such and the police will ask for a statement - you'll repeat the same story over and over - I started to get irritated I guess.
Once the police have done their thing, depending on what happened, the stand by detective will come through, take photos if need be and then once that's all done, they call their control room and then they call Metro control to arrange FPS (Forensics) whom will also take their own photos.

Because I work in EMS, we all know each other - I think FPS came alot faster than normal - my colleague was working the day, so when he arrived and found out it was my mother he was coming for, it was hard for him and for me.
Familiar faces seem to help make things easier - for me it did.

I'd like to mention that my mom was wearing minimal stuff - the police had to redo their paperwork and FPS had to also do paperwork because of the age we live in I guess - I did have to explain to them that due to the heat - that is how she dressed (just a nighty on)

Everyone was helping me with everything - I did nothing which for me is not normal.

Once my mom's body was removed, my colleagues started going through my mom's cupboards and such looking for any documents - such as the will, policies etc.

My mom had a AVBOB policy which was found - lucky for me, my mom is as organised as me, so they found majority of the important stuff quite fast.

But this is where I want to mention that I did discuss with my mom (a few months back) about policies and such should anything happen - it's a discussion that needs to be had with your family members - some don't mind it, others do - my mom was very hesitant to have it with me so I didn't know anything - please have this discussion - know where / what etc is should anything happen.

Later the day, my colleague from FPS called me to tell me the body was at Salt River and I had to come down to ID the body.
Went down with her ID and my ID and did more paper work - more questions - same questions SAPS asked me - I saw the body of my mom through a window and confirm that it was her.

Like I said, thankfully my colleague at FPS was the one doing the paperwork with me, I think I was going to loose it because i was answering the same questions over and over.

He gave me paperwork, because my mom's medical history was vastly unknown (she never shared anything with me) she had to have an autopsy done (Which I don't mind because I want to know - for my own reasons - what she died from) they had to keep the body till that is done - I also got a document which I needed to give to the undertaker to get the body at a later stage.

I was then told my people that if I knew the PIN of my mom's bank cards, to go draw whatever I can because I'll need it over the next while - at this point, I felt horrible - like I was stealing from her - but it had to be done.

I want to mention that at this point, everyone around me was so supportive, it was / is amazing! No one left me - I haven't had a melt down or anything yet, but like one of my colleagues told me, it will come.

Day 2

I woke up very stressed - I am still stressed - it's about the financial side of things - people talking about lawyers etc - I'm stressing.

I went into work only to see if I could stop the stress - it helped a bit dealing with problems at work, but then one of the ladies who is assisting with all the documents they found told me they found a active policy with AVBOB and I needed to take my stuff to them to go and deal with that.

We went there, the guy at AVBOB was as pleasant as he could be - for me, I was just irritated - my mom always told me to just have a cremation and scatter her ashes over my grans spot in the garden - all these other discussions were irritating me.

I had to view the coffin I wanted, and that was hard, they ranged from cheap to like R34000 - I don't have the finances and knowing my mom, she wouldn't want anything fancy so I asked about the silent cremation package which is about R9500.
Other packages with chapel etc costs R15000 and obviously, it goes up.

We left there because they pretty much can't do anything till the policy has been sorted (by head office) and FPS have told them to collect the body and due to backlogs, it will probably only be sorted tomorrow.

One thing I need to mention that - till you get the death certificate - there isn't alot that can be done with anything but at least for now - the AVBOB side might be semi sorted.

If I remember anything, I'll add it to the post in question later - dunno if this will help anything, but I hope it does because I'm struggling with things but as life has it, learning as we go with lovely people to help me but I know that not everyone is as lucky as me when it comes to certain things and if this helps a bit - it's successful.

Sorry to hear man.. Been there at 19. Not nice to lose parents.

 

[D3nz]

Sorry for your loss.
Too often we get caught up in our own lives and we only realise how important our loved ones are when they're no longer there.
We lost two people this year , one this past Sunday. First thing I did this morning was increase our funeral cover.

 

[*Medusa*]

So sorry for your loss. I also went thru this when my mom passed on.