Hey
@wizardofid
I know things aren't well, but please sir, don't blame yourself for what has transpired. You did the best you could, beyond what any family member ever could. You deserve peace just as your mother does. I hope you can redirect that level of compassion towards yourself, and you don't need to feel any guilt. From what you shared you are the hero in this sutuation, even though it might not feel like it.
I held out for as long as I could. My brother finally saw what was happening, and the doctors confirmed that it has reached the point where she needs 24/7 care, something I shouldn’t be providing at this stage.
It’s been a rough two years, slowly watching a person slip into nothingness.
The doctors were actually more concerned about burnout. One person can only take so much.
Anyway, she went into hospital on Monday to have surgery to close the wound and do a skin flap on her side. This was the recommended course, and further assessments supported this option to avoid her having to return to hospital again.
If all goes well, she will be in hospice by the 5th of January, and from there it will be taken month to month. They did a mini-mental assessment and she scored 18 out of 30. While her short-term memory had been affected for some time, it is now impacting her long-term memory as well. When we visited at the end of November, she struggled to recall her grandchildren’s names.
I made peace with her death quite a while ago, so that isn’t what’s really bothering me. What has affected me most is the mental and physical abuse over the past two years, and the constant urge to walk out the door and never look back.
You’ll have to forgive me if I wish for this chapter to be over.
I’ve been on my own for the past two months, a sort of trial run for when she’s no longer here. The first week was rough, then the first month. By the second month, things started to feel more normal.
Thankfully, the hospice is only 36 km away, so when the dreaded call comes, “it’s time,” I’ll be close by.
I’ve decided that I don’t want to be there in her final moments, or at least not in the same room. That’s trauma I can do without. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve had two years to say goodbye. I don’t need closure, or to settle regrets or wishes in the final moments.
Realistically, given how things are going, next year will likely be her final year. But she’s stubborn like that. My brother has asked more than once why she keeps going, given the pain and suffering. He’s mentioned that his wife and girlfriend, who passed in recent years, both reached a point where they said they were tired of fighting and had had enough.
The one consolation is that she won’t be passing at home. One of my biggest fears has been waking up, opening her door, and finding that she passed during the night.
So yeah it is what it is. I am over it already.
