Dementia is a beatch

[wizardofid]

Time for an update.

She has made her way to the clinic part of the old age home......first few weeks were pretty rough. She isn't as heavily medicated like she needed to be. She is fitting in well now. Took her some snacks last week. Lost a ton of weight and such as to be expected.

As for me I am slowly adjusting to being alone. Mentally I am doing way better overall, still not quite my old self.

Personally I think I have mostly worked my way though the stages of grief, that is at least good.

Can't stress enough how much having free time means, still struggle a bit, with I am forgetting something, like I need to go check on her, so some times I get a bit restless.

@ R11030 a month. They are extremely well looked after, place is clean, and the staff is extremely friendly and understanding, I couldn't have asked for a better place.

Activities is a bit meh in general, church, singing, general socializing and tea and coffee drinking. But at least she isn't isolated, she has people to talk with and such.

 

[now05ster]

Time for an update.

She has made her way to the clinic part of the old age home......first few weeks were pretty rough. She isn't as heavily medicated like she needed to be. She is fitting in well now. Took her some snacks last week. Lost a ton of weight and such as to be expected.

As for me I am slowly adjusting to being alone. Mentally I am doing way better overall, still not quite my old self.

Personally I think I have mostly worked my way though the stages of grief, that is at least good.

Can't stress enough how much having free time means, still struggle a bit, with I am forgetting something, like I need to go check on her, so some times I get a bit restless.

@ R11030 a month. They are extremely well looked after, place is clean, and the staff is extremely friendly and understanding, I couldn't have asked for a better place.

Activities is a bit meh in general, church, singing, general socializing and tea and coffee drinking. But at least she isn't isolated, she has people to talk with and such.

Flip, at that price I'm realising how ripped-off we were when my grandmother was when we had to send her. It was about R9500 roughly ten years ago. The place was owned by a group of doctors...

 

[dabean]

Time for an update.

She has made her way to the clinic part of the old age home......first few weeks were pretty rough. She isn't as heavily medicated like she needed to be. She is fitting in well now. Took her some snacks last week. Lost a ton of weight and such as to be expected.

As for me I am slowly adjusting to being alone. Mentally I am doing way better overall, still not quite my old self.

Personally I think I have mostly worked my way though the stages of grief, that is at least good.

Can't stress enough how much having free time means, still struggle a bit, with I am forgetting something, like I need to go check on her, so some times I get a bit restless.

@ R11030 a month. They are extremely well looked after, place is clean, and the staff is extremely friendly and understanding, I couldn't have asked for a better place.

Activities is a bit meh in general, church, singing, general socializing and tea and coffee drinking. But at least she isn't isolated, she has people to talk with and such.

Glad that the load is off your shoulders man.

At some point we need to accept that we can’t fix everything.

 

[wizardofid]

Glad that the load is off your shoulders man.

At some point we need to accept that we can’t fix everything.

It is more a case of looking after her for as long as possible in her own home. Now that the short term memory is fcked and the longer term memory fading, it was a pretty good time to send her off.

She scored 18 out of 30 on the mental test, the year before it was, 26 out of 30...so she definitely slid a lot in the mentally capacity department. We getting pretty close to the dreaded, who are you stage.

She is also at the stage where she is no longer able to feed her self.

The only saving grace is manage to take out a funeral policy for her waaaay back in 2014. This week my neighbor's mother in law passed away, stage 4 stomach cancer, pretty much over in a week, got the news yesterday. No funeral policy, nada nothing.

They had only recently take out a funeral policy but this hasn't mature yet waiting period would have ended in April.

I learned early on in life, take out a funeral policy, it is a minor fee 6 beers less, unless you want to end up in the state morgue having to wait, weeks to or longer to be cremated. My death is the last thing I want the state to be involved with.

Sadly the older you are the less coverage you get, even having done the funeral policy some odd 12 years ago. It just about covers direct cremation., even with a 4.5% yearly increase, that was another thing to do, make sure it is an yearly increasing benefit. My moms policy is a stagnate one that is over 30 years old, and does cover, cremating her left toe.

A bit morbid, recently I was thinking during cremation, there is a point where you are perfectly cooked lol

 

[dabean]

It is more a case of looking after her for as long as possible in her own home. Now that the short term memory is fcked and the longer term memory fading, it was a pretty good time to send her off.

She scored 18 out of 30 on the mental test, the year before it was, 26 out of 30...so she definitely slid a lot in the mentally capacity department. We getting pretty close to the dreaded, who are you stage.

She is also at the stage where she is no longer able to feed her self.

The only saving grace is manage to take out a funeral policy for her waaaay back in 2014. This week my neighbor's mother in law passed away, stage 4 stomach cancer, pretty much over in a week, got the news yesterday. No funeral policy, nada nothing.

They had only recently take out a funeral policy but this hasn't mature yet waiting period would have ended in April.

I learned early on in life, take out a funeral policy, it is a minor fee 6 beers less, unless you want to end up in the state morgue having to wait, weeks to or longer to be cremated. My death is the last thing I want the state to be involved with.

Sadly the older you are the less coverage you get, even having done the funeral policy some odd 12 years ago. It just about covers direct cremation., even with a 4.5% yearly increase, that was another thing to do, make sure it is an yearly increasing benefit. My moms policy is a stagnate one that is over 30 years old, and does cover, cremating her left toe.

A bit morbid, recently I was thinking during cremation, there is a point where you are perfectly cooked lol

My mom’s first mental acuity test result was zero. There was no way I could do a 60km round-trip 5 times a day and keep my job.

The hardest thing for me was realising that she wasn’t really there anymore. Basically when she started mistaking me for my dad.

I’m trying to say that you don’t have to die with her.

 

[wizardofid]

My mom’s first mental acuity test result was zero. There was no way I could do a 60km round-trip 5 times a day and keep my job.

The hardest thing for me was realising that she wasn’t really there anymore. Basically when she started mistaking me for my dad.

I’m trying to say that you don’t have to die with her.

For me it is 72km round trip. I go every two weeks. Can't afford the old age home, and be there every other day. I still have to supply the basics over and above that, which includes nappies, and any and all toiletries.

That is why I endured for as long as possible as I knew there is going to be a point where she would no longer be there.......rather a living husk. She has all ready started the progressive dysphagia phase, which means struggling to eat and shallow. It is a good sign the end is nigh.

Will start speaking to the old age home about what food they are giving her and addressing any concerns.

 

[TribbleZA]

It is more a case of looking after her for as long as possible in her own home. Now that the short term memory is fcked and the longer term memory fading, it was a pretty good time to send her off.

She scored 18 out of 30 on the mental test, the year before it was, 26 out of 30...so she definitely slid a lot in the mentally capacity department. We getting pretty close to the dreaded, who are you stage.

She is also at the stage where she is no longer able to feed her self.

The only saving grace is manage to take out a funeral policy for her waaaay back in 2014. This week my neighbor's mother in law passed away, stage 4 stomach cancer, pretty much over in a week, got the news yesterday. No funeral policy, nada nothing.

They had only recently take out a funeral policy but this hasn't mature yet waiting period would have ended in April.

I learned early on in life, take out a funeral policy, it is a minor fee 6 beers less, unless you want to end up in the state morgue having to wait, weeks to or longer to be cremated. My death is the last thing I want the state to be involved with.

Sadly the older you are the less coverage you get, even having done the funeral policy some odd 12 years ago. It just about covers direct cremation., even with a 4.5% yearly increase, that was another thing to do, make sure it is an yearly increasing benefit. My moms policy is a stagnate one that is over 30 years old, and does cover, cremating her left toe.

A bit morbid, recently I was thinking during cremation, there is a point where you are perfectly cooked lol

I am glad you are getting a bit of a life back. That price is not too high, though it would be challenging to find that money. The place in the village my mom is at costs 22k a month. I hope she never has to go in there - it means you are really gone when you do.

 

[wizardofid]

I am glad you are getting a bit of a life back. That price is not too high, though it would be challenging to find that money. The place in the village my mom is at costs 22k a month. I hope she never has to go in there - it means you are really gone when you do.

Honestly it was thanks to social workers and hospital staff, getting recommendations and such.

Honestly they a multi type old age home, they have independent living, assisted living and then the clinic. Clinic is relative small. 10-12 people occupancy ranges really, as people move up from independent living to assisted living and then the clinic.

Yes I don't have that money, paying is between my brother and me. Family is fcking useless, not a word from them since I called them out for the useless kants they are.

No luxuries for me, and had to scale back drastically on food and stuff. I can increase her pension next month, which will give me some breathing room at least. But not much, as I still need to keep it under the tax thresholds, no point increasing the pension, and then still up getting what I previously did because of income tax.

Retired people above 75 should entirely be exempt from tax or pay an extremely low amount, why the fck should they still be contributing, it is at this point the state should be looking after them, not fleece them for the last few bucks they can't afford to give up anyways.

 

[TribbleZA]

Honestly it was thanks to social workers and hospital staff, getting recommendations and such.

Honestly they a multi type old age home, they have independent living, assisted living and then the clinic. Clinic is relative small. 10-12 people occupancy ranges really, as people move up from independent living to assisted living and then the clinic.

Yes I don't have that money, paying is between my brother and me. Family is fcking useless, not a word from them since I called them out for the useless kants they are.

No luxuries for me, and had to scale back drastically on food and stuff. I can increase her pension next month, which will give me some breathing room at least. But not much, as I still need to keep it under the tax thresholds, no point increasing the pension, and then still up getting what I previously did because of income tax.

Retired people above 75 should entirely be exempt from tax or pay an extremely low amount, why the fck should they still be contributing, it is at this point the state should be looking after them, not fleece them for the last few bucks they can't afford to give up anyways.

I know it is horrifying what they do to the elderly when it comes to taxes. My mom has been audited four years in a row now and ends up paying in each year. My company has not been audited once and neither have I. It doesn't make sense.

 

[wizardofid]

I know it is horrifying what they do to the elderly when it comes to taxes. My mom has been audited four years in a row now and ends up paying in each year. My company has not been audited once and neither have I. It doesn't make sense.

Threshold for her is 165 a year, will see next month if it goes up or stays the same. I could do with a 10 grand increase... Greedy kants.....

 

[Grant]

I can increase her pension next month, which will give me some breathing room at least. But not much, as I still need to keep it under the tax thresholds, no point increasing the pension, and then still up getting what I previously did because of income tax.

help me understand this - is this "pension" payed out by a company of some sort, or "allowance" from yourself ?
reason i ask is a friend is in a similar situation with her mother - always trying to remain below certain thresholds.

in her instance she has 2 relatives who send money each month to help - this amount to about R72k p/a.
to remain under certain thresholds - i have had my bank issue an additional debit card and given it to my friend for use, in that way funds coming from the 2 other relatives are not included in her mother's declared income.
it's a constant juggling act !

 

[deweyzeph]

help me understand this - is this "pension" payed out by a company of some sort, or "allowance" from yourself ?
reason i ask is a friend is in a similar situation with her mother - always trying to remain below certain thresholds.

in her instance she has 2 relatives who send money each month to help - this amount to about R72k p/a.
to remain under certain thresholds - i have had my bank issue an additional debit card and given it to my friend for use, in that way funds coming from the 2 other relatives are not included in her mother's declared income.
it's a constant juggling act !

You are allowed to give money to a relative for maintenance without it being either considered income in the hands of the person receiving the money or a donation in the hands of the person giving the money. There is no defined limit or threshold. Maintenance is not considered income so the personal income tax thresholds are irrelevant here.

In any case, it's a wise idea to make the person who you are maintaining a secondary cardholder on your account to avoid any scrutiny from SARS. That's what I do with my parents instead of transferring money directly into their accounts. Even though technically I could just transfer money into their accounts, I don't want the hassle of SARS getting involved if they ever had to query anything.

 

[Grant]

You are allowed to give money to a relative for maintenance without it being either considered income in the hands of the person receiving the money or a donation in the hands of the person giving the money. There is no defined limit or threshold. Maintenance is not considered income so the personal income tax thresholds are irrelevant here.

In any case, it's a wise idea to make the person who you are maintaining a secondary cardholder on your account to avoid any scrutiny from SARS. That's what I do with my parents instead of transferring money directly into their accounts. Even though technically I could just transfer money into their accounts, I don't want the hassle of SARS getting involved if they ever had to query anything.

sure - for sars, and defiantly dont want them snooping about pensioners

in my friend's mother's instance, she receives a small pension, as well as a sassa old age grant.
sassa - income has to be below R80k p/a in order to qualify.
also w/c has old age benefits - (rates & elec) - again, income needs to be below a set threshold.

if contributions from the 2 relatives deposited directly into her mother's account, she would not qualify for either sassa or w/c.
sassa only amounts to around R25k p/a - but still R25k is a whole lot better than R0 p/a
w/c govt rates rebate is huge - 90% or something

 

[deweyzeph]

sure - for sars, and defiantly dont want them snooping about pensioners

in my friend's mother's instance, she receives a small pension, as well as a sassa old age grant.
sassa - income has to be below R80k p/a in order to qualify.
also w/c has old age benefits - (rates & elec) - again, income needs to be below a set threshold.

if contributions from the 2 relatives deposited directly into her mother's account, she would not qualify for either sassa or w/c.
sassa only amounts to around R25k p/a - but still R25k is a whole lot better than R0 p/a
w/c govt rates rebate is huge - 90% or something

Aaah, I hear you. Hadn't even considered that. My parents still make just enough money from part-time work to disqualify them from a Sassa grant or a rates rebate, but not nearly enough to live the comfortable middle-class lives they've lived their entire lives. If it was not for my support they would have lost their home, their medical aid, their vehicles, etc by now just to keep afloat. I'm happy to help of course. It's still a hell of a lot cheaper than sticking them in an old age home.

 

[Grant]

Aaah, I hear you. Hadn't even considered that. My parents still make just enough money from part-time work to disqualify them from a Sassa grant or a rates rebate, but not nearly enough to live the comfortable middle-class lives they've lived their entire lives. If it was not for my support they would have lost their home, their medical aid, their vehicles, etc by now just to keep afloat. I'm happy to help of course. It's still a hell of a lot cheaper than sticking them in an old age home.

figure out a way to reduce their visible / declarable income if possible - to drop below sassa & coct thresholds.
that slight drop in declarable can result in decent benefits.

sassa cross check all banking systems, sars & uif for verification
w/c rate rebate is massive:

Pensioners aged 60 years or older earning more than R10 001, but no more than R27 000 a month, may qualify for a 10% - 90% rates rebate.

City of Cape Town Link

Sharing a City of Cape Town Page...

www.capetown.gov.za

you need to have bank statements of at least 3 months (the more the merrier) - do your homework and prep now - then have them apply in about 6 months.



**if they own their home - and you and a sibling are beneficiaries of the estate when they die - consider drafting an acknowledgement of debt agreement between you and sibling beneficiaries.
one that is correctly drawn up, witnessed and notarized - and covers the value of the estate.
this document can protect the estate to a very large degree when the time comes.
this is a tricky conversation to start, but they will see the benefit

 

[supersunbird]

help me understand this - is this "pension" payed out by a company of some sort, or "allowance" from yourself ?
reason i ask is a friend is in a similar situation with her mother - always trying to remain below certain thresholds.

in her instance she has 2 relatives who send money each month to help - this amount to about R72k p/a.
to remain under certain thresholds - i have had my bank issue an additional debit card and given it to my friend for use, in that way funds coming from the 2 other relatives are not included in her mother's declared income.
it's a constant juggling act !

Probably from a Living Annuity, where one can draw down anything from 2.5 to 17.5% pa.

 

[supersunbird]

I learned early on in life, take out a funeral policy, it is a minor fee 6 beers less, unless you want to end up in the state morgue having to wait, weeks to or longer to be cremated. My death is the last thing I want the state to be involved with.

Sadly the older you are the less coverage you get, even having done the funeral policy some odd 12 years ago. It just about covers direct cremation., even with a 4.5% yearly increase, that was another thing to do, make sure it is an yearly increasing benefit. My moms policy is a stagnate one that is over 30 years old, and does cover, cremating her left toe.

Remember one can also take out a funeral policy for a relative under ones own policy. I shopped around a bit early last year to get the cheapest and for me that was Old Mutual and it's R10 000 cover for myself for under R60pm and R50 000 cover for a parent (over 70) for just under R400pm. There is also a fixed one a Capitec with minimum for myself and R20 000 for a parent (R199pm in total). I have one through work, so the cover for myself is not really needed.

 

[wizardofid]

help me understand this - is this "pension" payed out by a company of some sort, or "allowance" from yourself ?
reason i ask is a friend is in a similar situation with her mother - always trying to remain below certain thresholds.

in her instance she has 2 relatives who send money each month to help - this amount to about R72k p/a.
to remain under certain thresholds - i have had my bank issue an additional debit card and given it to my friend for use, in that way funds coming from the 2 other relatives are not included in her mother's declared income.
it's a constant juggling act !

Nope just a normal pension and I am the administrator. At the very beginning they use to pay the deductible for tax directly, then they stopped.So for a while I needed to do tax reporting as well.

It is just easier keeping it below the bracket and send the oinkers in SARS a middle finger........Haven't had to do it in the last odd 9 years.....

So yeah fck sars....I am not giving them their pound of flesh unless I can help it.

 

[xcaliber]

Dad had demntia. It sucks. His life faded just a few years after he retired. We could not afford to put him in a home so my mum looked after him in the house.

I told my wife, the first sign of dementia for me, and I will end my life.

Anyway, this book is quite nice. https://www.amazon.co.za/Journey-Dementia-Activity-Memory-Book/dp/B0G647JZQY

 

[wizardofid]

Remember one can also take out a funeral policy for a relative under ones own policy. I shopped around a bit early last year to get the cheapest and for me that was Old Mutual and it's R10 000 cover for myself for under R60pm and R50 000 cover for a parent (over 70) for just under R400pm. There is also a fixed one a Capitec with minimum for myself and R20 000 for a parent (R199pm in total). I have one through work, so the cover for myself is not really needed.

Whoa you getting ripped off mate.

She currently has her own funeral policy valued at R10 000, which realistically would not be sufficient to cover actual expenses. Because of this, she has also been added to my policy. The combined premium is R204 per month, with a 4.5% annual increase and an accidental double death benefit capped at R100 000. Her total cover now sits at approximately R26 000 and mine at R50 000, excluding the accidental benefit.

Considering that a high-end direct cremation can already reach around R20 000 including transport and administrative fees, relying on a single small policy simply does not create enough financial flexibility.

In addition, my brother has policies in place for both myself and my mother, each valued at roughly R100 000. The purpose of these is not enrichment, but liquidity. Estate administration can take several months, and immediate access to funds allows dependents to manage travel, administrative costs, and short-term obligations without waiting for executors or frozen accounts to be resolved.

Unlike traditional life insurance, it is possible to be over-insured with multiple life policies, as insurers may assess total exposure and disclosures when evaluating claims. Funeral cover operates differently because it is a defined-benefit product. It pays a fixed lump sum and typically involves a simpler claims process, which reduces delays and administrative friction.

From a tax perspective, lump sum funeral benefits are generally not treated as normal taxable income in the hands of beneficiaries. Any potential tax considerations usually arise at estate level, for example estate duty if the estate exceeds the current threshold of roughly R3.5 million. This simplicity is one of the reasons funeral policies are often used as a practical liquidity tool rather than a long-term wealth instrument.

The intention behind multiple funeral policies is therefore not to create profit, but to ensure quick access to funds. One policy covers funeral costs, a second acts as a stop-gap for dependents while the estate is finalized, and a third policy, if used, can assist with short-term debts or additional administrative expenses. The key concept here is liquidity rather than enrichment.

As an example, my brother has a funeral policy where I am listed as beneficiary over and above his own cover. The specific intention behind that payout is to fund travel to New York and arrange for his ashes to be laid to rest in Central Park. This highlights how funeral policies can be structured for immediate logistical needs rather than long-term estate planning.

People should regularly review their policies and ensure beneficiaries are clearly listed. Liquidity is critical when dealing with estate expenses, but there is also a downside to consider. If an estate carries significant debt that cannot be settled, declaring insolvency may become the only practical option, in which case assets cannot simply be distributed. Having accessible death benefits can help protect dependents if there is enough liquidity to manage obligations outside the estate.

In my mother’s case, the estate is relatively straightforward with no significant debts, which simplifies planning considerably. The overall goal with this structure is not to exploit loopholes, but to reduce red tape, maintain flexibility, and ensure immediate expenses can be handled without placing additional strain on family members.