Divorce just turned VERY ugly

OGroteKoning said:
Him wanting to do pron vs she being sexually promiscuous ... spot the moral difference.
Click to expand...

No. The issue was him suffering from a paraphilia versus her being sexually promiscuous. Equally irrelevant (or relevant!) when it comes to parenting skills.
 
blunomore said:
No. The issue was him suffering from a paraphilia versus her being sexually promiscuous. Equally irrelevant (or relevant!) when it comes to parenting skills.
Click to expand...

That is how I understood your comment. So Mr Judge must decide which of the 2 evils is better for the boy. I won't be surprised if a judge rules for wellfare if he was told everything.
 
blunomore said:
Do we know how much time she spends on this ?
Click to expand...
The OP says she resorts to "cock hunting". Promiscuous people tend to make bad parents however you might want to spin it, they tend to put their own gratification above the needs of the child. When you are woman it can be worse because often you must leave your place to meet the other party elsewhere. Not to mention how a kid seeing an assortment of manly liaisons with his mother can't be good upbringing.
 
R13... said:
The OP says she resorts to "cock hunting". Promiscuous people tend to make bad parents however you might want to spin it, they tend to put their own gratification above the needs of the child. When you are woman it can be worse because often you must leave your place to meet the other party elsewhere. Not to mention how a kid seeing an assortment of manly liaisons with his mother can't be good upbringing.
Click to expand...

From what I have read, the OP admitted to being a sex addict. Since he is estranged from his wife, I presume this implies promiscuity on his side as well ? I am not judging, but the court will !
 
OGroteKoning said:
Him wanting to do pron vs she being sexually promiscuous ... spot the moral difference.
Click to expand...

His sexual quirks vs her cheating is the difference that the court cares about. A cheating partner is less likely to provide a stable home environment.

What he does behind closed doors, as long as it is mutually consensual is basically neither here nor there as far as his parenting skills are concerned. However, cheating is something that the courts see as completely different.

I would get her to put it in writing, or to agree to have your next discussion recorded. The only trouble here is that if she catches wind of your motives she will turtle up and then the fight is really on.

As far as emails are concerned. If you can get her to email you her agreeing to this, then that should work. In order to claim that she did not send that email, she would have to prove that someone else had access to her email account password. So cover your tracks with that. It may not be the same as a signed and dated affidavit, but it does hold some weight in court. Bait her into an email discussion while you are at work or something.
Mentioning how glad and relieved you are that the divorce will be peaceful and that she agrees that your son stay with you, etc...... Something subtle, but with specifics that if she replies to the affirmative, you have it in writing that she is agreeing to it. Like I said, not the same as a lawyers letter, but it will hold some weight. Perhaps try this method before the full on lawyered up letter, as the latter is far more likely to make her turtle up, thus removing the possibility of getting the former.
 
SoulTax said:
His sexual quirks vs her cheating is the difference that the court cares about. A cheating partner is less likely to provide a stable home environment.

What he does behind closed doors, as long as it is mutually consensual is basically neither here nor there as far as his parenting skills are concerned. However, cheating is something that the courts see as completely different.

I would get her to put it in writing, or to agree to have your next discussion recorded. The only trouble here is that if she catches wind of your motives she will turtle up and then the fight is really on.

As far as emails are concerned. If you can get her to email you her agreeing to this, then that should work. In order to claim that she did not send that email, she would have to prove that someone else had access to her email account password. So cover your tracks with that. It may not be the same as a signed and dated affidavit, but it does hold some weight in court. Bait her into an email discussion while you are at work or something.
Mentioning how glad and relieved you are that the divorce will be peaceful and that she agrees that your son stay with you, etc...... Something subtle, but with specifics that if she replies to the affirmative, you have it in writing that she is agreeing to it. Like I said, not the same as a lawyers letter, but it will hold some weight. Perhaps try this method before the full on lawyered up letter, as the latter is far more likely to make her turtle up, thus removing the possibility of getting the former.
Click to expand...

we've been talking all morning and she has agreed to my idea of us each having him for a week and then switching, thanks for the advice. i don't know if she is just saying that just to brush me off or if she genuinely believes it now, but i feel that her mother is playing a big role in all of this as she is fine one minute and then completely different after talking to her. and i can get VERY ugly now, but i don't WANT to be hard. i want this to be easy, i want her to see i want what is best for her and me and our son :(
 
blunomore said:
From what I have read, the OP admitted to being a sex addict. Since he is estranged from his wife, I presume this implies promiscuity on his side as well ? I am not judging, but the court will !
Click to expand...

i'm a sex addict in such a way that my sex life is unhealthy. it all depends who you're really having sex with though, i know plenty of people who would enjoy sex with me now that i've experienced more people and gotten out a bit. i have always been 100% faithful and 100% honest with her, which is why i get annoyed that this is the 4th time she has lied to me, and she always uses the defense "it was to protect your feelings."
 
Neck_Monster said:
we've been talking all morning and she has agreed to my idea of us each having him for a week and then switching, thanks for the advice. i don't know if she is just saying that just to brush me off or if she genuinely believes it now, but i feel that her mother is playing a big role in all of this as she is fine one minute and then completely different after talking to her. and i can get VERY ugly now, but i don't WANT to be hard. i want this to be easy, i want her to see i want what is best for her and me and our son :(
Click to expand...

What if she or you relocate to another suburb or town? How will this deal work then with his schooling etc? Or will you cross that bridge when you get to it? Could it be that "what's best for your son" would be stability at one home with weekends at the other parent? Damn ... this is so complicated and all I see is the parents bouncing back and the boy suffering
 
rwenzori said:
And he wants custody of a child LOL!

Better hope the soon-to-be-ex doesn't find those posts.
Click to expand...
I'd be more concerned if he was a happy clapper! C'mon rwenzori, thought you would know better :)
 
Roo! said:
The usual custody agreement is a child stays with one parent all week and every second weekend, with special occasions (xmas, birthdays, etc.) alternated. This ensures that the child is able to live in as stable a situation as possible, which includes schooling.

Good luck with this, it can be the most difficult time of one's life and take the advise mentioned here seriously. Get the 'agreement' between the two of you in writing, get the best lawyer you can afford and get the support from friends and family, you'll need it!
Click to expand...

thank you, we'll try see what is best. i want him to spend equal time with each of us so it is sad that it might turn out this way
 
Neck_Monster said:
we've been talking all morning and she has agreed to my idea of us each having him for a week and then switching, thanks for the advice. i don't know if she is just saying that just to brush me off or if she genuinely believes it now, but i feel that her mother is playing a big role in all of this as she is fine one minute and then completely different after talking to her. and i can get VERY ugly now, but i don't WANT to be hard. i want this to be easy, i want her to see i want what is best for her and me and our son :(
Click to expand...
If that is what you want then get it in writing!
 
OGroteKoning said:
What if she or you relocate to another suburb or town? How will this deal work then with his schooling etc? Or will you cross that bridge when you get to it? Could it be that "what's best for your son" would be stability at one home with weekends at the other parent? Damn ... this is so complicated and all I see is the parents bouncing back and the boy suffering
Click to expand...

i dont' want the boy to suffer, i wnted to try and fix the relationship, but at that stage she already had her eye set on another guy. we'll both always live in Joburg, we've also agreed to that. he has a school right now that he loves, i want him to stay there and so does she
 
Crowley said:
Personally I think that is a very bad idea. Your son needs a stable home where he has his own room, his own toys etc. Shuffling him between homes every month will just destabilize his life more after the divorce.
Click to expand...

i agree, i'm just used to visiting my family who lievs 2 hours away and having a bedroom and toys of his own there, and he loves visiting them and coming back home. i might be naive but i have this idea that if he goes between two places and he is loved that he would be okay. the only difference is that normally i'm with him wherever he goes, so that will change, and i think that will be hard on him
 
Neck_Monster said:
i dont' want the boy to suffer, i wnted to try and fix the relationship, but at that stage she already had her eye set on another guy. we'll both always live in Joburg, we've also agreed to that. he has a school right now that he loves, i want him to stay there and so does she
Click to expand...

No private arrangements or agreements will work, it will come back to bite you later down the line. Just get legal advice and take the hard stance. Better to be sure than get surprises down the line.
 
SoulTax said:
His sexual quirks vs her cheating is the difference that the court cares about. A cheating partner is less likely to provide a stable home environment.

What he does behind closed doors, as long as it is mutually consensual is basically neither here nor there as far as his parenting skills are concerned. However, cheating is something that the courts see as completely different.
Click to expand...

I am not too sure that the courts are all that judgmental when it comes to the love life of the parents, unless it really, really impacts on things, e.g. it can be proven that one of the parents bring home an array of unsavoury types.

Maybe someone who has gone through a custody hearing can tell us how the court reacts to that.
 
Neck_Monster said:
we've been talking all morning and she has agreed to my idea of us each having him for a week and then switching, thanks for the advice. i don't know if she is just saying that just to brush me off or if she genuinely believes it now, but i feel that her mother is playing a big role in all of this as she is fine one minute and then completely different after talking to her. and i can get VERY ugly now, but i don't WANT to be hard. i want this to be easy, i want her to see i want what is best for her and me and our son :(
Click to expand...

Number 1 lesson in life, that I am sure you know already, but your emotions are clouding your reasoning to remember it: We don't always get what we want. As others have said, get this in writing. Cover yourself. It cannot be stressed enough. She has lied to you before, chances are she is playing you and will rip your heart out in divorce court.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top
Sign up to the MyBroadband newsletter
X