Getting over someone - Advice please

Tinuva said:
Pretty much what I read too. Sounds like he is single, but there is this woman at work he fools around with and have lots of fun with, the only problem is she already has a bf who is accepted by her family. For some reason he won;t be accepted?

Anyways the way I see it, she is not in love with her bf, and that is why she is cheating on him, because he doesn't cater for her needs.

So even though this girl is cheating on her BF, keep in mind, she is also human, and probably thinking to break up with her bf now will break him. However cheating on him is worse, but she still can't get herself to break up with him, so it is easier to cheat on him, get caught out, and let him break up with her. There is a 2nd point to this, and that is, if she breaks up with him, he may draw the breakup out, and ask her to try again ect, and maybe she just doesn't want that, instead she want the instant break-up that she can get if caught out.

Anyways that is human nature. Eventually she will break up with her bf. The OP just need to man up, decide what he want (which I think he wants this girl) and just continue the relationship with her, as if she doesn't have a current bf, just ignore that fact, and she will eventually break up with him. She will do the hard work, but if you pressure her into breaking up with him, you will come forth as not being confident, and you will lose her.
Click to expand...

Nail on the head brother!
I just can't get over the fact she hasn't broken up with this fukknut.
I know he doesn't make her genuinely happy. When she calls him or answers the phone, her tone is so DEPRO!

I'm guessing it comes down to the fact he is loaded and she will have a comfortable future one day.
If that's the case, I look forward to the day she wakes up next to her husband who she never truly loved.
Only she will know how badly she fooked thing sup.

I don't know guys.... I agree that time heals everything. I just have no idea HOW long that will take when I have to
see & interact with her daily. I believe that enough time can heal any heartbreak. I just have no expected time frame for how long I'll feel like this. And it's beginning to defeat me quite frankly :D :'(
 
Next time film yourself doing the nasty with her and send the recording to her bf. When she confronts you about why you did it, say someone broke into your apartment and stole the tape and that it could only have been him ;)
 
Positively Negative said:
Nail on the head brother!
I just can't get over the fact she hasn't broken up with this fukknut.
I know he doesn't make her genuinely happy. When she calls him or answers the phone, her tone is so DEPRO!

I'm guessing it comes down to the fact he is loaded and she will have a comfortable future one day.
If that's the case, I look forward to the day she wakes up next to her husband who she never truly loved.
Only she will know how badly she fooked thing sup.

I don't know guys.... I agree that time heals everything. I just have no idea HOW long that will take when I have to
see & interact with her daily. I believe that enough time can heal any heartbreak. I just have no expected time frame for how long I'll feel like this. And it's beginning to defeat me quite frankly :D :'(
Click to expand...

That, and the fact that despite the obstacles, you are providing to her what she wants without needing to break up with someone who can offer her financial security, is exactly why she has not broken up with him. She gets the best of both worlds, and you will always remain on her hook.

Many here have told you to man up- I agree. Subjecting yourself to a relationship that is unequally balanced, never ends well. Either you are with her in an actual relationship, with her broken off from her current partner, or no dice.
 
What I would do in this situation is, just start dating multiple other people. At some point this girl will then realize, if she doesn't act fast she will lose you because you will find someone else. Don't tell it to her in any words, just go out and date and bang other girls.

Then sit back, and check how fast she drops the bf.
 
Tinuva said:
What I would do in this situation is, just start dating multiple other people. At some point this girl will then realize, if she doesn't act fast she will lose you because you will find someone else. Don't tell it to her in any words, just go out and date and bang other girls.

Then sit back, and check how fast she drops the bf.
Click to expand...

I actually disagree with this advice.

This woman is cheating on her BF with the OP because he satisfies her emotionally (at the very least, given that she is unhappy with her current fellow). For a plethora of whatever reasons, she is still with a man that makes her unhappy. For the OP to go out and exhibit such shallow traits will remove any sort of endearing quality he possesses to her.

He should just make it clear that in order for them to be together, it has to be in an exclusive relationship. This on-the-hook business needs to stop.
 
Maverick Jester said:
That, and the fact that despite the obstacles, you are providing to her what she wants without needing to break up with someone who can offer her financial security, is exactly why she has not broken up with him. She gets the best of both worlds, and you will always remain on her hook.

Many here have told you to man up- I agree. Subjecting yourself to a relationship that is unequally balanced, never ends well. Either you are with her in an actual relationship, with her broken off from her current partner, or no dice.
Click to expand...

Thanks bro!
Yeah we actually haven't hooked up for a while now.
I think she is staying faithful for the meantime. But this happened last year, and then in the last week of the year...we started the cycle again :(
I can offer her financial security, it's not really that.
It comes down to culture and religion. I don't fit in with that regard.
I'm actually depro just typing this as she's off to see him now and meet the bf's parents or some
sheet.
I have manned up multiple times. She knows how I feel but I don't see her
breaking up anytime soon. I KNOW I have to move on, that's the issue here.
I can't. No matter how many other ladies I talk to or find an interest in, I will think of her
or want to be near her. As Usher said 'You got it,you got it Bad!'.
Out of sight/out of mind has worked for me very well in the past.The problem is I have to interact with her daily. I crave her honestly, and I know it's not gonna fade anytime soon.
Time for me to apply elsewhere hey? Screw up is I'm quite content with my job for the first time in years man. But I think matters of the heart can outweigh rational thinking.
I seriously just need the Universe to deal with me a boss hand of fate & deliver me my wife :( :D

Tinuva said:
What I would do in this situation is, just start dating multiple other people. At some point this girl will then realize, if she doesn't act fast she will lose you because you will find someone else. Don't tell it to her in any words, just go out and date and bang other girls.

Then sit back, and check how fast she drops the bf.
Click to expand...

That's the thing too. Even If I speak about other girls etc, she doesn't seem to get all too jealous.
I know banging and dating other girls WILL help a lot but not fully.
I think the bottom line here is I got USED and Abused properly.
The sad thing for me is that I actually was hoping this would lead to something more.
I know it sounds mushy and cliche, but I could easily settle down with her.

Aiii man, I think I'm just missing that important aspect of life. My financial future and prospects are really positive and I am not
concerned about them at all. It's the FEELS that you can't turn off that trump all of the above.

It also just sends me back into my lonely,hopeless hole where I hope I don't stay forever.

I'd like more motivation from all the guys on the forum here who thought they would be single for good?
I'm around that age where all my friends and colleagues are settling down etc. It doesn't bother me too much, but it's something that is unavoidable to think about.

Anyways, cheers for some of the advise guys. I appreciate your thoughts and opinions.
 
Positively Negative said:
/snip
It comes down to culture and religion. I don't fit in with that regard.
/snip.
Click to expand...

Firstly, your posts are slightly confusing at times, but I understand the situation a bit more now.

Secondly, the portion of your post that I have kept behind- I have been in this exact same position before. Not only that- I also happened to work with said woman. And believe me, the solution is not to leave your job.

Getting over her is as simple as deciding that you need to. You did not have an actual relationship with this woman- you had a fling. And while she has all the qualities that you find ideal in a woman, you need to keep remembering the fact that this woman, despite her circumstances, chose to go behind her partner's back in order to satisfy her needs. That indicates selfishness, immaturity and worst of all, a liar- traits that I can promise you, would have come back to bite you had she overlooked the obstacles that you believe are preventing you from being in a relationship.

Right now, you are deeply infatuated with this woman. You need to counter that with the obvious negative aspects inherent to her character. And allowing yourself to mope about over someone that wasn't really worth your time (yes, this is the truth), is not an attractive trait to possess. I agree with Tinuva in this respect- confidence is key. Be confident in the fact that you don't have an issue attracting women- you got one that already had a BF, after all. And expand on this.

The usual advice really does work- going out, finding hobbies, socialising with others, etc. You have a hole in your life that you filled with this woman. Fill it with other activities and in less time that you think, you will be OK.

Just my 2c.
 
Maverick Jester said:
Firstly, your posts are slightly confusing at times, but I understand the situation a bit more now.

Secondly, the portion of your post that I have kept behind- I have been in this exact same position before. Not only that- I also happened to work with said woman. And believe me, the solution is not to leave your job.

Getting over her is as simple as deciding that you need to. You did not have an actual relationship with this woman- you had a fling. And while she has all the qualities that you find ideal in a woman, you need to keep remembering the fact that this woman, despite her circumstances, chose to go behind her partner's back in order to satisfy her needs. That indicates selfishness, immaturity and worst of all, a liar- traits that I can promise you, would have come back to bite you had she overlooked the obstacles that you believe are preventing you from being in a relationship.

Right now, you are deeply infatuated with this woman. You need to counter that with the obvious negative aspects inherent to her character. And allowing yourself to mope about over someone that wasn't really worth your time (yes, this is the truth), is not an attractive trait to possess. I agree with Tinuva in this respect- confidence is key. Be confident in the fact that you don't have an issue attracting women- you got one that already had a BF, after all. And expand on this.

The usual advice really does work- going out, finding hobbies, socialising with others, etc. You have a hole in your life that you filled with this woman. Fill it with other activities and in less time that you think, you will be OK.

Just my 2c.
Click to expand...

Sorry about my posts. I need to go back to High school for basic English lessons I know ;)

I don't want to leave my job & I'd be stupid if I did.
I never had an actual relationship with her. We initially had to work right next to each other for 2-3 months. In that time, we became close and I actually felt as if I'd known her for 2-3 years after all the time we spent. Office romances are dangerous because we forget we spend nearly more time with colleagues than partners. No wonder affairs happen so frequently!
It does feel like we broke up in a sense.

Just by the way, the BF did actually find out that we were hooking up. She lied bluntly & told me to do the same. I told her I would rather die over my word than become a liar.
He wanted to meet me etc but that never happened. And I think this is the reason she has to behave more and suck up to him.
I know she isn't the ideal woman and she has her flaws ofcourse. The problem is I simply have blinders on with regards to her. Maybe it is severe infatuation, but like I said, I'd have no problems settling down with her. We just have chemistry that's pretty ridiculous.
I want a switch to turn this sheet off man!

I've been trying to keep myself busy with my hobbies and what not. But you know the story, certain things will trigger me thinking of her. Songs, series and just some general crrap that we've laughed or talked about in our time .

I know I will be okay some day, It's just that I want that day to come now.
And I don't see it arriving anytime soon when I'm still infatuated .
I know it sounds dodgey, but can you guys please send me tons of E-Prayers and wish for someone to save me :D :'(

Thannks again for the words Maverick. It's really refreshing to get genuine advice and not the usual parody of comments.
 
Interesting turn out. If he wants to meet, do if you know he doesn't want to beat you up, but if he just wants to talk, go ahead and tell the truth, you had the right idea there to not lie. You may be surprised about him, and he probably just wants to know what happened.

If you really need to get over her asap, you can do the girly thing, go do something that will trigger the pain, and on your own in secret, just cry it out one evening, you will feel better, if not already just talking about it here. Then go talk to someone else about it in real life as well, friends/family, they usually will support you if they are real friends ect.

Oh and don't think other guys haven;t realized they may end up alone. I am a proper introvert, prefer not going out and hooking up, in fact I am perfectly happy staying home alone playing world of Warcraft drinking beer ect. That said I have realized at one point I need to do something and I did. Even when you are 30, you will be surprised how easy it is to get a girl that is only 20 years old, and her parents approve of the relationship if you a decent guy.

My advice is, get a girl who is not complicated, at least that is what I did, and I was surprised just how amazing my current SO is after getting to know her, I would never have known if I didn't just start to go out and meet new people, and I did it multiple times until I found the right one!

Maverick Jester said:
I actually disagree with this advice.

This woman is cheating on her BF with the OP because he satisfies her emotionally (at the very least, given that she is unhappy with her current fellow). For a plethora of whatever reasons, she is still with a man that makes her unhappy. For the OP to go out and exhibit such shallow traits will remove any sort of endearing quality he possesses to her.

He should just make it clear that in order for them to be together, it has to be in an exclusive relationship. This on-the-hook business needs to stop.
Click to expand...
That is a fair viewpoint to look at it, I can certainly see that being a problem. That said, even though I think this part of the conversation is moot now, I don't see it as shallow traits, I see it as a half-way where he shows that he is now moving on and she is forced to make a choice. It also allow him to start meeting new people, even if he doesn't immediately meet the next one he will fall in love with.
 
Last edited:
Positively Negative said:
Sorry about my posts. I need to go back to High school for basic English lessons I know ;)

I don't want to leave my job & I'd be stupid if I did.
I never had an actual relationship with her. We initially had to work right next to each other for 2-3 months. In that time, we became close and I actually felt as if I'd known her for 2-3 years after all the time we spent. Office romances are dangerous because we forget we spend nearly more time with colleagues than partners. No wonder affairs happen so frequently!
It does feel like we broke up in a sense.

Just by the way, the BF did actually find out that we were hooking up. She lied bluntly & told me to do the same. I told her I would rather die over my word than become a liar.
He wanted to meet me etc but that never happened. And I think this is the reason she has to behave more and suck up to him.
I know she isn't the ideal woman and she has her flaws ofcourse. The problem is I simply have blinders on with regards to her. Maybe it is severe infatuation, but like I said, I'd have no problems settling down with her. We just have chemistry that's pretty ridiculous.
I want a switch to turn this sheet off man!

I've been trying to keep myself busy with my hobbies and what not. But you know the story, certain things will trigger me thinking of her. Songs, series and just some general crrap that we've laughed or talked about in our time .

I know I will be okay some day, It's just that I want that day to come now.
And I don't see it arriving anytime soon when I'm still infatuated .
I know it sounds dodgey, but can you guys please send me tons of E-Prayers and wish for someone to save me :D :'(

Thannks again for the words Maverick. It's really refreshing to get genuine advice and not the usual parody of comments.
Click to expand...

I know EXACTLY how this feels :o
 
Tinuva said:
What I would do in this situation is, just start dating multiple other people. At some point this girl will then realize, if she doesn't act fast she will lose you because you will find someone else. Don't tell it to her in any words, just go out and date and bang other girls.

Then sit back, and check how fast she drops the bf.
Click to expand...

I agree, or she could say f@#$ you and continue her relationship
 
Tinuva said:
That is a fair viewpoint to look at it, I can certainly see that being a problem. That said, even though I think this part of the conversation is moot now, I don't see it as shallow traits, I see it as a half-way where he shows that he is now moving on and she is forced to make a choice. It also allow him to start meeting new people, even if he doesn't immediately meet the next one he will fall in love with.
Click to expand...

To be honest, I only disagreed with your advice because of the context of this situation. Generally, I would agree with it- it would do the OP some good.

OP- chin up soldier. We've all been there. And trust me, you will come out of it a better person.
 
I know she isn't the ideal woman and she has her flaws ofcourse. The problem is I simply have blinders on with regards to her. Maybe it is severe infatuation, but like I said, I'd have no problems settling down with her. We just have chemistry that's pretty ridiculous.
I want a switch to turn this sheet off man!
Click to expand...

Only time will tell if its love or infatuation, love keeps people together, infatuation dies.

I want a switch to turn this sheet off man!
Click to expand...

life would be easy if there was

I know I will be okay some day, It's just that I want that day to come now.
Click to expand...

Keep on searching for peace in yourself, this is one of the worst feelings in the world and to get over it feels as impossible as moving a mountain, its just one of those situations where you need to let go and allow fate to be. You cant help the way you feel so just go with it in hopes that one day you will be saved and set free. Sometimes we need to let go of situations when they prove to us over and over again that its not in our hands.
 
Last edited:
dreamrobin said:
I agree, or she could say f@#$ you and continue her relationship
Click to expand...
:) At the end of the day, as a guy, that is what I would want in this situation. A direct yes or no, instead of this uncertain situation. Uncertainty is 100 times worse than knowing she said no. Maybe it is just me, but that is what I would prefer, and that is also why I have learned how to get to that point faster, so that once I know it is never going to happen, I can work faster getting past the hurt.

The irony however is, once I started doing that, things started to usually turn out in my favor.
 
Tinuva said:
:) At the end of the day, as a guy, that is what I would want in this situation. A direct yes or no, instead of this uncertain situation. Uncertainty is 100 times worse than knowing she said no. Maybe it is just me, but that is what I would prefer, and that is also why I have learned how to get to that point faster, so that once I know it is never going to happen, I can work faster getting past the hurt.

The irony however is, once I started doing that, things started to usually turn out in my favor.
Click to expand...

I am the same, I cant beat around the bush anymore especially when there are serious emotions flying around, that's why he needs to recognize if its love or infatuation because nothing is worth fighting for apart from love. Well that's in my opinion. Having said that, in relationships its only worth fighting for if feelings are mutual. I suggest he sits her down and and tell her straight how he feels and what he want and ask her the same, best way. Make a decision based on experience and logic then experience the hell that is trying to shut off whats in the heart.
 
dreamrobin said:
I am the same, I cant beat around the bush anymore especially when there are serious emotions flying around, that's why he needs to recognize if its love or infatuation because nothing is worth fighting for apart from love. Well that's in my opinion. Having said that, in relationships its only worth fighting for if feelings are mutual. I suggest he sits her down and and tell her straight how he feels and what he want and ask her the same, best way. Make a decision based on experience and logic then experience the hell that is trying to shut off whats in the heart.
Click to expand...

I believe that he has done this already, and that she has chosen to stick with her current partner due to religious and cultural differences...
 
Maverick Jester said:
I believe that he has done this already, and that she has chosen to stick with her current partner due to religious and cultural differences...
Click to expand...


Oh I lost track of the thread a few days ago...I'm glad he did and the outcome is somewhat expected, who gets happy endings nowadays?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top
Sign up to the MyBroadband newsletter
X