Helping Friends - Urgent Advice Needed

Thank you for all the advice. All posts gave me food for thought - and things which I hadn't considered.

I have a few numbers from the net of walk-in shelters and will call to see if I can make arrangements for her.

Will pick her up, take her to lunch and then drop her off at one of these.

I will also try to help her in the next few months but without giving her access into my private space.
 
Jennifer Lopez said:
Thank you for all the advice. All posts gave me food for thought - and things which I hadn't considered.

I have a few numbers from the net of walk-in shelters and will call to see if I can make arrangements for her.

Will pick her up, take her to lunch and then drop her off at one of these.

I will also try to help her in the next few months but without giving her access into my private space.
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Excellent.
 
Jennifer Lopez said:
Thank you for all the advice. All posts gave me food for thought - and things which I hadn't considered.

I have a few numbers from the net of walk-in shelters and will call to see if I can make arrangements for her.

Will pick her up, take her to lunch and then drop her off at one of these.

I will also try to help her in the next few months but without giving her access into my private space.
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Good plan to not take her to your home but to meet her at a neutral place.
Never let someone stay in your home unless you trust them fully.
 
Jennifer Lopez said:
I agree to a degree. But based on what she's confided with me in the past - she's had it very rough in her life from a very young age and these past conditions have obviously shaped her life and character.
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It's not your burden to bear, and there are people who are better trained to deal with these sorts of situations.

You don't know what is the truth and what is not, as you haven't witnessed much of it. You've only heard it from her. If you let her guilt trip you into taking her in, it probably won't end well for you.

There are various shelters that can take her in if she really is homeless - you can then check in from time to time to see how she is doing, if that will put your conscience to ease. Also try and arrange some counselling.
 
Jennifer Lopez said:
I agree to a degree. But based on what she's confided with me in the past - she's had it very rough in her life from a very young age and these past conditions have obviously shaped her life and character.
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Ive had many pity party invitations thrown my way and have fallen for many of them. Now I'm paying the price for helping people and feeling sorry. Dont be too gullible because she's on the street for a reason. Not because of her past, but because of something she's getting up to now.

Take her for a drug test and don't bother asking how she ended up where she is now because she would most likely make your heart sink with some sad story.
 
MickeyD said:
J'Lo

Be very, very careful. You are susceptible right now due to your own circumstances and the situation is ripe for you to be taken advantage of; rather decline (politely).

Do NOT let her put you on a guilt trip; this is NOT your issue.

As mentioned before, there are places where she needs to go to for professional assistance.
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+1

There are certain people you just can't help and I am afraid you are going to be used to her advantage
 
So I picked her up at the beach front. Took her out to a shopping mall where we had lunch.

Firstly, I feel very guilty about making assumptions about her situation.

Briefly -
She lost her job a while back. As she had maintained mostly casual/temp employment she was unable to keep up with her rental - and other debts - and was blacklisted. This made it harder to find work with employment agencies. She also confessed that she was nabbed for shoplifting a blanket from a store a few months ago, which means she now has a criminal conviction. And has since given up on finding employment.

For obvious reasons, I didn't want to meet her on my own and took a friend with. His parent's domestic is away on leave, so we decided to let her sleep in those quarters for the time being until we decide what we can do for her.

We did ask about alcohol/drug abuse and she denied anything of that sort and agreed to be tested.

I think it's a case of years of hardship that compounded and left her in this situation.
 
A few questions for the OP.
Did she bother to conntact you in the last 2 years?
Did she contact you for help on employement or she just wanted cash?
What did she offer in return/exchange for the money?
 
DrYes said:
A few questions for the OP.
Did she bother to conntact you in the last 2 years?
Did she contact you for help on employement or she just wanted cash?
What did she offer in return/exchange for the money?
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To answer your questions:
No.
Money for rental.
She said she would pay it back when she was able.

I understand your point. But there are more variables in this equation than just a person leeching off someone else. Perhaps I should have been more pressing with regards to answers before handing out money and may have been able to intervene.
If she couldn't afford the rental, helped with cheaper, alternative accommodation, prevented the debts from escalating into a blacklisting, and finding her employment.
 
Can I be straight with you?

You hardly know this person? Why do you make it your problem? You are not the welfare and I doubt you can help. Her life is messed up, criminal records, blacklisted, no job... come on, be realistic, what do you expect is going to happen except her leeching off you?

This is not your fault, neither your problem, don't make it yours.

Sounds harsh, is just the truth.

PS: She will never pay you back, I can promise you that. You are making a big mistake. Wake up!
 
Anony-mousse said:
You hardly know this person? Why do you make it your problem? You are not the welfare and I doubt you can help. Her life is messed up, criminal records, blacklisted, no job... come on, be realistic, what do you expect is going to happen except her leeching off you?
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Agreed. People like that don't even make an attempt at life, they just take whatever welfare they can get.
 
Sometimes its easier just to say 'no I don't have', then to offer help,get taken advantage of, and regret your decision.
 
I'll be waiting for the part when I say, "I told you so." Agreeing to a drug test does not mean she hasn't been abusing drugs/alcohol.
 
It sounds like she just tells you all the ways that life has wronged her, that she is helpless and has been dealt cards that she can't deal with. What about her owning up and actively taking control of her life? She's a grown adult. Sure, you can help her, but be careful not to just be giving her more opportunity to crawl along and make no real changes in her life.
 
Jennifer Lopez said:
So I picked her up at the beach front. Took her out to a shopping mall where we had lunch.

Firstly, I feel very guilty about making assumptions about her situation.

Briefly -
She lost her job a while back. As she had maintained mostly casual/temp employment she was unable to keep up with her rental - and other debts - and was blacklisted. This made it harder to find work with employment agencies. She also confessed that she was nabbed for shoplifting a blanket from a store a few months ago, which means she now has a criminal conviction. And has since given up on finding employment.

For obvious reasons, I didn't want to meet her on my own and took a friend with. His parent's domestic is away on leave, so we decided to let her sleep in those quarters for the time being until we decide what we can do for her.

We did ask about alcohol/drug abuse and she denied anything of that sort and agreed to be tested.

I think it's a case of years of hardship that compounded and left her in this situation.
Click to expand...

Sounds like a load of lies to me all designed to make you feel sorry for her. From the stories she told you it sounds like nothing was her fault and in the real world that is hardly ever the case. You don't know this person and should have rather stayed away. She is just going to continue manipulating you to feel sorry for her and give her money.
 
probably gonna get flamed but here goes ...

help her out, we all could use a lil help now and again.

if she becomes too much of a burden then let her go but at least help her for now.
 
Hi J

I saw something similar on Oprah a while back, yes I know...but they were saying that there is a fine line for some people between employment and a warm bed and living on the streets. I think helping her is the right way to go. Yes she could steal from you, but then again what value does a tv or toaster have? As opposed to a person? Just keep your credit cards etcetera safe.
 
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