Helping Friends - Urgent Advice Needed

[Jennifer Lopez]

I received a call from an friend of mine a few minutes ago. We were friends for about a year when I first got here - met her at a place I worked at where she was temping. I felt for her as she has no immediate family, had a pitiful upbringing - was raped when she was 12/13 and generally abandoned by people. She then disappeared for two years. And has since contacted me on an ad hoc basis asking for cash.

On the phone she told me she is homeless and looking for a place to sleep at for a while.
Now, I do not mind helping her for while - just afraid of how long a while it's going to turn out to be. What are the ways I can help her without creating too much of a burden on myself for too long a time?

 

[krono9]

I usually feel sorry for people too and help them out...but to my disappointment they usually alway make misuse of the situation.. easy fix to their problems. So just be carefull she not using you and making up stories...

Sent from my HTC Vision using MyBroadband Android App

 

[killadoob]

Well tell her to come stay but:

1. She must be looking for a job
2. All the house work will be done by her
3. If she takes advantage of you let her know she will be out on her ass

If all goes well you help her, if it goes badly she stands outside your gate crying while you carry on with your life

GL

 

[Jennifer Lopez]

Well tell her to come stay but:

1. She must be looking for a job
2. All the house work will be done by her
3. If she takes advantage of you let her know she will be out on her ass

If all goes well you help her, if it goes badly she stands outside your gate crying while you carry on with your life

GL

Good plan..thanks. I hope I can help her find a job so she can become self sufficient.

 

[Voldemort]

Good thing is to get her CV, dont make her do all the housework, shes not a damn maid.
This is generally why i dont help friends, they might become moochers...

 

[myaudream]

Ask her direct what she want to do with her life. If she cannot answer you then she has to seek help.
You need to refer her to someone that can help her since she is not coping with life. Help her to learn to become independant with keeping jobs. Don't give her money she has to earn it.
The worse thing she can do is if she has to depend on someone she meet on the street as they will take advantage of her being vulnerable and then her life could spiral down quickly into something as bad as prostitution or suicide.
If she is using then it is too late without professional help.

 

[Jennifer Lopez]

Good thing is to get her CV, dont make her do all the housework, shes not a damn maid.
This is generally why i dont help friends, they might become moochers...

Thanks - My plan of action...

I am going to prepare her a meal - let her relax for a few hours then..
Give her access on my old laptop so she can start registering her CV on job sites.

 

[Jennifer Lopez]

Ask her direct what she want to do with her life. If she cannot answer you then she has to seek help.
You need to refer her to someone that can help her since she is not coping with life. Help her to learn to become independant with keeping jobs. Don't give her money she has to earn it.
The worse thing she can do is if she has to depend on someone she meet on the street as they will take advantage of her being vulnerable and then her life could spiral down quickly into something as bad as prostitution or suicide.
If she is using then it is too late without professional help.

Didn't think about that - What are the tell tale signs that someone is using.

 

[myaudream]

Didn't think about that - What are the tell tale signs that someone is using.

Physical signs depend on the drug.
Signs are change in behaviour but you haven't seen her for a long time so you can't compare her behaviour.
You might find she is taking your stuff selling it to buy drugs.

 

[Sensorei]

Sounds like she is deep in drug addiction. If that it's the case do not give her any money. It will go straight to drugs and she will come up with the biggest stories to manipulate you. As much as it breaks your heart you can not help a drug addict unless they are willing to stop using NOW. Not later, now. Giving an addict money is giving them drugs.

She could go to state subsidised De Nova or the partly subsidised Toevlug if she is willing to go to rehab but can't afford it. Do not let her move in with you while she is using. It might seem to you like it is help but the only thing you should focus on is getting her clean.

 

[Jennifer Lopez]

Physical signs depend on the drug.
Signs are change in behaviour but you haven't seen her for a long time so you can't compare her behaviour.
You might find she is taking your stuff selling it to buy drugs.

Been thinking - perhaps before I do anything else - take her to the local clinic for a drug test. Will ask her when I pick her up. If she does not agree then I'll know.

 

[Sensorei]

Phone the Naranon helpline:
088 129 679

It is for friends and family of drug addicts and run by people who have experienced relatives going down the drain from drugs. You will not get the right advice from people who haven't experienced this first hand.

www.naranon.org.za

 

[rrh]

I would hate to rain on your parade, but:

1. This is someone that you hardly know, especially in the last year or two;
2. She has [unresolved] problems that will require experts to treat; and
3. Are you strong enough to kick her out if she overstays her welcome ?

I agree with the others: best pass her along to those with the skills in handling this type of situation.

Good luck ...

 

[Jennifer Lopez]

I would hate to rain on your parade, but:

1. This is someone that you hardly know, especially in the last year or two;
2. She has [unresolved] problems that will require experts to treat; and
3. Are you strong enough to kick her out if she overstays her welcome ?

I agree with the others: best pass her along to those with the skills in handling this type of situation.

Good luck ...

No - I am not sure of my resolve or if I'll have the strength it takes to say "NO". But I know I'll feel worse if I don't help.

I googled just now - and saw that there are a few shelters for women in SA that offer job training/help.

Anyone know of good one's in Durban or had first hand experience.

 

[Sensorei]

Been thinking - perhaps before I do anything else - take her to the local clinic for a drug test. Will ask her when I pick her up. If she does not agree then I'll know.

Perfect.

 

[Kornhub]

I don't know,I would help her but only if I knew the person well enough to trust them.

 

[Jennifer Lopez]

I don't know,I would help her but only if I knew the person well enough to trust them.

I agree to a degree. But based on what she's confided with me in the past - she's had it very rough in her life from a very young age and these past conditions have obviously shaped her life and character.

 

[Kornhub]

I agree to a degree. But based on what she's confided with me in the past - she's had it very rough in her life from a very young age and these past conditions have obviously shaped her life and character.

Well all I can say is make her go to a counselor,we have many organisations that offer free services.

 

[MickeyD]

J'Lo

Be very, very careful. You are susceptible right now due to your own circumstances and the situation is ripe for you to be taken advantage of; rather decline (politely).

Do NOT let her put you on a guilt trip; this is NOT your issue.

As mentioned before, there are places where she needs to go to for professional assistance.

 

[killadoob]

I agree to a degree. But based on what she's confided with me in the past - she's had it very rough in her life from a very young age and these past conditions have obviously shaped her life and character.

Bare in mind drug addicts will always have story to tell, they will use it to make you feel sorry for them. Make sure if you do help this person they contribute in some way. If she is not willing to do all the house work then you should not be willing to help her.

She may not be the maid but she will be living off you, an easy way to figure out whether she is just a leech is house work .