How Long Is Too Long?

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LollyGP

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All opinions welcome but I would particularly like opinions from males 30 and older as i have heard the females advice on the matter.

I have been in a committed relationship with my bf for 6yrs and it has been no secret to him that i would have liked a formal commitment from him eventually (engagement). We have always discussed our plans for a future together and he had agreed that after time it would be the right thing to do.

So last week he tells me that it is what he wants and that by next year we should get engaged and this week he changes his mind and tells me he feels pressured, is not ready and its not what he wants!

How embarrassing for me! And this is something i am not whiling to put up with, i think it is extremely immature and hurtful to do that to someone after all this time, so have given him the boot for taking me for a ride and messing me around with this decision time and again. (IMO There is no coming back from this "I'm sorry i hurt you" just doesn't cut it in this case)

To be honest he is very immature (big-time mommies-boy) but i just somehow believed that after all this time and having a good happy relationship, after all the time and effort that we have invested in your life together, that this would have just been the normal rational course of events to follow.

I made a promise to myself at the beginning of the year that i would only wait 1more year and not wait yet another year for him to decide what he wants and that what i want matters too. So told my self that if by the end of 2011 he still doesn't know if he wants to be with me indefinitely and if he wants to commit to me then he will never know and we should just call it quits.(he new this)

I eventually got so tired of waiting for him to want the same things and trying to be understanding to what he wants and not wanting to force him and not wanting to be a cow and put time limits or give ultimatums, but decided when i realised that he was not thinking about me the same way that it was better to start thinking about what i want and start putting my own happiness and wants first just like he is doing.

I know it might seem harsh but if i didn't put a time limit on my long-term happiness i would have waited around for this guy for another 6yrs or longer probably. (Career aside) I also have personal life goals of when i would like to be married and when i would like to have kids (not unreasonable) So I guess now can invest my time and effort into someone else with the same personal goals. (The thought of finding and being with someone else now is anxiety inducing)

What also amazes me is that when his sister was with a guy for 7yrs that didn't want to commit to her the guy was labeled as immature, lacking life goals, a user, a bum and this was totally unacceptable to do to a woman as a man after such a long time. Why is ok to do the same to me then!

How long is too long to wait for someone, when it is clear what you want and they keep using an ostrich approach to every grown-up decision they have to make in life? I got tired of waiting for him to grow-up but how long did any off you wait or make your lady wait when you knew her intentions and wants from the get go? If you had a daughter what would you expect of the guy, what are average time limits to these sort of things. (This was just the formal commitment of an engagement but i guess the same applies for marriage)

(a bit of a vent too i guess but that just because of the hurt, embarrassment anger and sadness :cry: I really do what to try and understand this from an unemotional point of view, however difficult that may be right now)
 
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Yeah, I'm a male over 30 and agree with your decision.
 
Lolly,

Why the need to get married in the first place? It's just a piece of paper anyway. I would like to know that from a woman's point of view as I could never understand that.
 
Haha, I have been with my GF for 2.5 years. I have explained to her that I am not getting married before I am 30, BUT I also told her that we could get engaged right now and the be engaged for 4 years :p

My advice would also be to put down your foot. If you are not seeing eye to eye on this matter then I am sure the fights will start soon and that will lead to a lot of hurt.
 
Raise of hands. Who read the title and thought penises?

hand_raising.jpg
 
Ninja'd said:
Raise of hands. Who read the title and thought penises?

hand_raising.jpg
Click to expand...

Yeah I was going to say if hes hitting your cervix its too long.

6 years is enough time to figure out what you want. If he wanted marriage, I think he would have pursued it.
 
Pitbull said:
Lolly,

Why the need to get married in the first place? It's just a piece of paper anyway. I would like to know that from a woman's point of view as I could never understand that.
Click to expand...

For security i guess. Rather marriage then she forgets to take the pill or something and a mistake comes along :p.
 
I know that some people don't like the idea of marriage and weddings... if so then they should make that known upfront.

If you want the security of marriage (and the fun of a wedding) then you need to seek out some one else with the same goals.
They have to really want it as well, if at the age of 30 they still don't fell the urge then they never will. Also if they have been in a relationship for 6 years and still don't know if thats what they want for the rest of their life then they will never know.

I think its the correct thing to move on, if he loves you enough he will either accept that you need the security of matrimony or find another way to show his commitment to you.
 
I watched a move on this topic a couple days ago. Awesome movie with jennifer aniston forget the name but it could help you.

The most important thing is how does he treat you? does he treat you like you mean everything to him? 6 years and no proposal seems a very a long time. The worst thing you can do is pressure him into it, happened to me and it ended poorly. If he is not ready then you must either accept or move on, what good is forcing the guy who is suppose to love you into committing? If he doesn't treat you that well he won't marry you.

You also have the mother issue is he is a mommies boy, does she like you? Most mommies boys have mothers who can't let go.

Does he believe in marriage?
 
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The_Unnamed said:
For security i guess. Rather marriage then she forgets to take the pill or something and a mistake comes along :p.
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but i think what pitbull was trying to say is that both people have the same goal and i think they will be most likely staying together

so why marriage ...cant they just be together as a married couple and mistakes wont be mistakes cause its what they want
 
The time frame is always up for negotiation..

BUT if he "commited" and then changed his mind.. then its totally fair to kick him to the curb if you ask me.
 
Billy said:
Move on.Six years is too long for indecision.
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My thoughts exactly

Pitbull said:
Lolly,

Why the need to get married in the first place? It's just a piece of paper anyway. I would like to know that from a woman's point of view as I could never understand that.
Click to expand...
In the past i have also thought of it as just a piece of paper but of recent years there are many reasons i guess on why i want to marry: Morals, religion, values of life long commitment, age, womanly desires, starting a family someday... A mere verbal commitment is not enough when i am getting older and have set certain goals for my life and am making the huge decision of who i want to spend the rest of my life with (He has gone back on his 'word') I know not all woman see as a 'need' but as i do. For me it seems as thou there are many reasons that have affected my decision to want to marry and they have all been positive. I come from parents who have a loving, happy marriage and have never had a reason to fear such a commitment.
 
Lolly go hire this movie:

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

You will see what a man is willing to do when he truly loves his girl.
 
Why is marriage so important? Is it related to religion or do you just want to feel more secure? If it's the second one you're in for a surprise because if a man is going to cheat on you he's not going to care if he's married or not.

EDIT: nvm, it was answered ;P
 
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LollyGP said:
My thoughts exactly


In the past i have also thought of it as just a piece of paper but of recent years there are many reasons i guess on why i want to marry: Morals, religion, values of life long commitment, age, womanly desires, starting a family someday... A mere verbal commitment is not enough when i am getting older and have set certain goals for my life and am making the huge decision of who i want to spend the rest of my life with (He has gone back on his 'word') I know not all woman see as a 'need' but as i do. For me it seems as thou there are many reasons that have affected my decision to want to marry and they have all been positive. I come from parents who have a loving, happy marriage and have never had a reason to fear such a commitment.
Click to expand...

You must have very definite ideas on what you both want out of life before getting married.

- Kids
- Future together
- Religion

All of those must be the same for both of you before you even consider commitment.
 
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