I despise weakness and dependence.

same problem Brad Pitt had with Jennifer Aniston. She was just too needy and acted like a clingon.

Vulnerability can be a sexy thing though. It gives you a gap to go in for the kill ;) :D.
 
Nick333 said:
Only to another 18 year old, which I'm guessing , is pretty close to your age. ;)

I don't really mean to be personal. But, that attitude is just childish. You will learn this.
Click to expand...

Nick, I wish I was still 18, I am 43 with two kids.

As I said before it is the way that I was brought up, yes my Wife tells me I am cold and hard, but Hey that is me and it has been good for me.

I had to look after myself from a fairly young age so I have been conditoned.
 
look, i also despise neediness and dependence. people need to be their own people and people need to exist on their own. HOWEVER, you don't need to despise people. i hear she is 18, she hasn't had enough time to be exposed to the world and it sounds like both of you let the situation get to the point where she would get hurt.

i understand fully though what it is like to have a crazy chick chasing you, i mean i've told plenty of crazy girls before i didn't want a relationship and they tried anyway, just from your posts you make it sound like you enjoyed the attention. you're not a bad guy and i think a lot of posts are hard on you because of the way you come across, but you can only learn.

we don't know the whole situation, she just sounds like a very innocent girl
 
There are plenty of people like the OP both male and female. I think I'm one of those first born children that become independent quite early in life and that is sometimes reflected on my relationships as an adult. I'm married and thank goodness my wife is not the needy type. Even though I have friends I prefer it if they are not too close. I absolutely despise chatterboxes that always have something stupid to say. I don't have Facebook, and I don't call, WhatsApp or SMS needlessly. If anyone does that to me they simply get ignored.




My advice is to drop her and look for someone with similar traits to yours. Don't feel bad because you probably didn't know that is not what you wanted. **
 
Nick333 said:
As much as the ideal of the strong independent type is touted humans are basically dependent and needy. There are extremes of course. I'd say you're on one extreme.

Extreme neediness can be distasteful but so can callous disregard for others vulnerability. Strong relationships are built on shared vulnerability. We trust our loved ones with our vulnerability and they reciprocate. That's pretty much what real friendship is.

You never liked this girl but you liked the attention until it cost you something. All relationships you get anything from cost something even if it's a bit of kindness.

Your friend is right - you're not relationship material. You're still selfish and immature (and I'm guessing out of touch with your own emotional needs). But unless you're a sociopath you will find yourself in a vulnerable position to someone one day. I hope for your sake it's with someone kinder than yourself. ;) :)
Click to expand...

+1 You never liked her in the first place. I doubt you're bi, you sound like a typical heartless guy who really only deserves another typical heartless guy.
 
Graal said:
Okay, so here's an odd one. In a relationship, I absolutely despise any form of dependence, I guess? So, as most of you will remember, I posted this thread a while back, and things have been dragging out for a while now. Kinda my fault, as I didn't really want to have to tell her it wasn't going to work. So the past two weeks she suddenly got very needy, and we weren't even in a relationship. Wanted me to call her daily, etc. It reached the point over the weekend where she organized to sleep over at a friend and braai at our house and was in the process of planning a roadtrip the following day just for me and her. So, I then told her there that things aren't going to work like she's hoping it will, and she burst into tears.

I was utterly disgusted, and realized that I had actually been disgusted/irritated with her for a while, and pinned it on her neediness and vulnerability. I didn't actually even feel bad for her, despite the fact that her friend claims she cried the entirety of the following day.

I don't know if I'm just heartless, but I've reached the conclusion that I simply despise vulnerability and dependence in a relationship. And yes, I mean despise. I think that's why, although I'm attracted to both sexes, I generally prefer to go for guys. At the risk of sounding like a stereotyping douche, I've found that guys are generally a lot easier to be in a relationship with than girls. They're a lot more independent, and I love that.

I don't want to have to report to you every time I go somewhere during the day. Hell, I don't necessarily even want to contact you every day. If I don't hear from you for a day or two, it's no skin off my back. I don't want to deal with your all emotional issues. I'll be there when you really need it, but I'm not your psychiatrist. If you go somewhere with friends, you really don't have to let me know. We don't have to go everywhere together either. People who handle relationships in this way generally irritate the living hell out of me, same as people who are always Facebooking each other about how much they love one another.

I dunno. I spoke to one of my friends about it, and her opinion was that I'm a cold bastard and definitely not relationship-material. Anyone else feel this way about relationships?
Click to expand...

This is the push-pull effect. You pulled away, she started pushing (causing you to pull away even more)

Her neediness stemmed from the fact you didn't want to be with her anymore which she picked up on. (I didn't read everything/all your posts so I speak under correction) Because you weren't clear with her when you broke up, she thought that if "she changed" and "gave more attention" and "be more spontaneous" (or whatever goes on in their heads) she'll be able to get you back. The whole thing reeks of her thinking you got bored and wanting to show you she's not boring.

If I were you I'd be disgusted by myself and not her. She just reacted the way YOU set her up to react (without knowing of course, I'm just pointing it out, not blaming you)

You made the puppet dance and now you're disgusted by it? ...mmmm
 
Wow, some pretty harsh opinions. Guess some of them are deserved, though.

Just to clear something up a bit, I wouldn't say I was dragging things out for the attention; it was more that I didn't really want to deal with it, didn't think I'd ever actually see her again and therefore hoped the whole thing would just go away on its own. Not much better, I'll agree.

Also, I wouldn't say that I am incapable of loving the person I'm with, or that I'm especially distant with them. I just don't see the point in acting like we're conjoined twins. We don't have to go everywhere together, we don't have to always let each other know what we're going to do and with whom, we don't have to speak to each other on a daily basis if we don't have anything particularly important to say, etc. It's not that I don't want contact with the person for prolonged periods, but one or two days of not seeing and/or hearing from each other every once in a while isn't going to kill anyone. From past relationships, I've found it can actually be nice to catch a break from it all here and there.

As for the emotional part, I obviously get that being in a relationship means you're going to deal with emotional issues, it's just, I feel to a degree each person is also still responsible for their own emotional wellbeing. I don't want to be woken up at 1am by a phone call from my partner and then be expected to drive over to their house just so they can cry on my shoulder.

It does somewhat bother and worry me that this is how I feel, moreso now that I'm receiving so much flak for it, so I don't know, maybe I am emotionally stunted. It's something I think I should definitely work on, but but I just don't see myself ever reaching the point where I'm all lovey-dovey, sending texts once every few hours and going nuts if I don't see the person for more than a day.
 
Graal said:
Wow, some pretty harsh opinions. Guess some of them are deserved, though.

Just to clear something up a bit, I wouldn't say I was dragging things out for the attention; it was more that I didn't really want to deal with it, didn't think I'd ever actually see her again and therefore hoped the whole thing would just go away on its own. Not much better, I'll agree.

Also, I wouldn't say that I am incapable of loving the person I'm with, or that I'm especially distant with them. I just don't see the point in acting like we're conjoined twins. We don't have to go everywhere together, we don't have to always let each other know what we're going to do and with whom, we don't have to speak to each other on a daily basis if we don't have anything particularly important to say, etc. It's not that I don't want contact with the person for prolonged periods, but one or two days of not seeing and/or hearing from each other every once in a while isn't going to kill anyone. From past relationships, I've found it can actually be nice to catch a break from it all here and there.

As for the emotional part, I obviously get that being in a relationship means you're going to deal with emotional issues, it's just, I feel to a degree each person is also still responsible for their own emotional wellbeing. I don't want to be woken up at 1am by a phone call from my partner and then be expected to drive over to their house just so they can cry on my shoulder.

It does somewhat bother and worry me that this is how I feel, moreso now that I'm receiving so much flak for it, so I don't know, maybe I am emotionally stunted. It's something I think I should definitely work on, but but I just don't see myself ever reaching the point where I'm all lovey-dovey, sending texts once every few hours and going nuts if I don't see the person for more than a day.
Click to expand...

How old are you?
 
Graal said:
Wow, some pretty harsh opinions. Guess some of them are deserved, though.

Just to clear something up a bit, I wouldn't say I was dragging things out for the attention; it was more that I didn't really want to deal with it, didn't think I'd ever actually see her again and therefore hoped the whole thing would just go away on its own. Not much better, I'll agree.

Also, I wouldn't say that I am incapable of loving the person I'm with, or that I'm especially distant with them. I just don't see the point in acting like we're conjoined twins. We don't have to go everywhere together, we don't have to always let each other know what we're going to do and with whom, we don't have to speak to each other on a daily basis if we don't have anything particularly important to say, etc. It's not that I don't want contact with the person for prolonged periods, but one or two days of not seeing and/or hearing from each other every once in a while isn't going to kill anyone. From past relationships, I've found it can actually be nice to catch a break from it all here and there.

As for the emotional part, I obviously get that being in a relationship means you're going to deal with emotional issues, it's just, I feel to a degree each person is also still responsible for their own emotional wellbeing. I don't want to be woken up at 1am by a phone call from my partner and then be expected to drive over to their house just so they can cry on my shoulder.

It does somewhat bother and worry me that this is how I feel, moreso now that I'm receiving so much flak for it, so I don't know, maybe I am emotionally stunted. It's something I think I should definitely work on, but but I just don't see myself ever reaching the point where I'm all lovey-dovey, sending texts once every few hours and going nuts if I don't see the person for more than a day.
Click to expand...

there is nothing wrong with that. you can't force yoruself to feel what you don't. at least you're admitting it, also you thought you weren't going to see her again, so it changes the story slightly, originally it seemed like you were seeing her quite often. i also wanted somebody that is very independent because i feel like they should have a strong character and should not NEED you, but WANT you.

maybe we just differ to other people. i thought my wife was very independent when i met her :p
 
Graal guy, there's nothing wrong with you or your emotional state. The babe is just a young insecure clingon. You're also not interested in her. As for the all love dovey every second minute thing, I'm not like that either. Maybe in the beginning stages of a relationship you'll have the whole butterfly experience but as time goes on the novelty wears off.
 
ant_man said:
Nick, I wish I was still 18, I am 43 with two kids.

As I said before it is the way that I was brought up, yes my Wife tells me I am cold and hard, but Hey that is me and it has been good for me.

I had to look after myself from a fairly young age so I have been conditoned.
Click to expand...

Well, I don't want to get too personal, so suffice it to say I think a lack of compassion for weak people is a sign of emotional immaturity regardless of age.

I also grew up to be tough an independent. I also get annoyed by neediness. I just think weak people are deserving of compassion and at least a little kindness. Very few of us are as bullet proof as we think we are or think we should be.
 
Nick333 said:
Well, I don't want to get too personal, so suffice it to say I think a lack of compassion for weak people is a sign of emotional immaturity regardless of age.

I also grew up to be tough an independent. I also get annoyed by neediness. I just think weak people are deserving of compassion and at least a little kindness. Very few of us are as bullet proof as we think we are or think we should be.
Click to expand...

i agree. while we want peopel to be able to pick themselevs up and to not be so dependent, it's important to remember to have compassion
 
Graal said:
Wow, some pretty harsh opinions. Guess some of them are deserved, though.

Just to clear something up a bit, I wouldn't say I was dragging things out for the attention; it was more that I didn't really want to deal with it, didn't think I'd ever actually see her again and therefore hoped the whole thing would just go away on its own. Not much better, I'll agree.

Also, I wouldn't say that I am incapable of loving the person I'm with, or that I'm especially distant with them. I just don't see the point in acting like we're conjoined twins. We don't have to go everywhere together, we don't have to always let each other know what we're going to do and with whom, we don't have to speak to each other on a daily basis if we don't have anything particularly important to say, etc. It's not that I don't want contact with the person for prolonged periods, but one or two days of not seeing and/or hearing from each other every once in a while isn't going to kill anyone. From past relationships, I've found it can actually be nice to catch a break from it all here and there.

As for the emotional part, I obviously get that being in a relationship means you're going to deal with emotional issues, it's just, I feel to a degree each person is also still responsible for their own emotional wellbeing. I don't want to be woken up at 1am by a phone call from my partner and then be expected to drive over to their house just so they can cry on my shoulder.

It does somewhat bother and worry me that this is how I feel, moreso now that I'm receiving so much flak for it, so I don't know, maybe I am emotionally stunted. It's something I think I should definitely work on, but but I just don't see myself ever reaching the point where I'm all lovey-dovey, sending texts once every few hours and going nuts if I don't see the person for more than a day.
Click to expand...

Well, maybe your wording was a bit harsh in your OP. I honestly understand how you feel but at the end of the day its really just a matter of you'll be willing to put up with a bit of neediness from the right person. Don't be so harsh on the girl and lay off despising people.

I detect a bit of justification from your side. I'm pretty sure you're feeling a bit guilty about her ending up hurt. Its a very human response to feeling guilty to villainize the source of our guilt. The truth is you should have shut this girl down from the start. Its really no big. We all break a heart or two at one stage or other. We're none of us perfect. Just accept you were a bit wrong and don't compound it by being a proper dick.

It's the perfect example of how a lack of compassion for ourselves leads to unkindness to others.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top
Sign up to the MyBroadband newsletter
X