Hi all. Just seeking advice.. We r currently living in the UK. Hub has a well paying job. I have worked fulltime since I left uni (over 20 years), no maternity leave, nothing. I was the sole breadwinner since my marriage in 1992 on and off for at least 11 years for various reasons (my overseas assignments, retrenchments etc). Now I am the trailing spouse since September 2016. I wanted to take at least a year off. It is not as if I have done nothing. The house is a new build so I have done the garden from nothing etc. I do all the household stuff plus errands for hub. Now hub seems to be pressuring me to get a job or to study. Sure I am more than willing to contribute but would like to wait until after the rare summer. He seems to be convinced I am bored or useless. I feel it is my turn. Am I being unreasonable?
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Is a sabbatical unreasonable?
- Thread starter bokdrol
- Start date
HavocXphere
Honorary Master
If he called you useless then I think you might have bigger problems that the sabbatical on your hands.
HavocXphere
Honorary Master
Fair enough. It does say much about how you perceive what he says though & I'd still venture that there is a deeper issue there that needs to be addressed.
As for sabbatical - first question would be can the finances cope without your $$$? If not then it's a bit of a pointless discussion
OrbitalDawn
Ulysses Everett McGill
Could also be because you recently moved countries. A move that big is bound to put some additional pressure on people, especially in a new job etc. All about wanting security and future proofing your life as much as possible.
I don't think a sabbatical is unreasonable, per se. All about the circumstances...
I don't think a sabbatical is unreasonable, per se. All about the circumstances...
Have done.
We have lived overseas before. Both times I was breadwinner. I will make myself useful. I just want a year off .
Hamish McPanji
Honorary Master
You hubby know that things have changed in this day and age. Older people in the UK are going to be totally screwed going forward...so your house and health is no longer a given, you will likely have to support yourself
Both of you have 15-20 years left to earn for the future....your future in the time when people are living longer. These 15-20 years will have to support you for the 30-40 years after that.
Sorry for the scare, but that is probably where he's at , at the moment. And he's probably right....but doesn't want to scare you.
SoulTax
Executive Member
It all depends on whether you discussed the sabbatical with him prior to taking it. And agreed on the parameters of it. Or whether you just sort of forced it on him by circumstance and not looking for a new job.
If it is the former, then this thread would not exist. So it is most likely some version of the latter. Considering that you know that his previous retrenchment causes him anxiety, especially when put in the sole breadwinner shoes. And considering that he is probably stressing over money and the future and just unsure about when you are really going back to work. It seems a little selfish to be honest. You cannot just unilaterally make a major decision like that and just expect your partner to accept it.
If he has done exactly this to you in the past, then I can understand you feeling like you should get a turn. But tit for tat is not a healthy way to run a relationship. I get the sense that his time out of work was involuntary though.
Just try to consider how much this might be hurting him, and judge whether it is worth holding out until after the summer.
If it is the former, then this thread would not exist. So it is most likely some version of the latter. Considering that you know that his previous retrenchment causes him anxiety, especially when put in the sole breadwinner shoes. And considering that he is probably stressing over money and the future and just unsure about when you are really going back to work. It seems a little selfish to be honest. You cannot just unilaterally make a major decision like that and just expect your partner to accept it.
If he has done exactly this to you in the past, then I can understand you feeling like you should get a turn. But tit for tat is not a healthy way to run a relationship. I get the sense that his time out of work was involuntary though.
Just try to consider how much this might be hurting him, and judge whether it is worth holding out until after the summer.
woman and their sabbaticals ai ai ai. First they wanted equality in work opportunities, salaries etc, now they want to go back to the way things were in the 50's.
Sabbatical is a fancy made up word for I'm gatvol of working.
Anyway, my personal view aside, why a year? Why not 6 months?
Sabbatical is a fancy made up word for I'm gatvol of working.
Anyway, my personal view aside, why a year? Why not 6 months?
Utter Bull****
Drifter
Honorary Master
Kind of a valid point.
Some very valid points raised here. I am terribly grateful for the time off. An utter privilege. There are some job opportunities here so I think I will start looking. As my mother was fond of saying, "all good things come to an end"
Cius
Honorary Master
My advice, as nice as a sabbatical sounds you lose your working edge in that down time. I had a 6 month contract once at STD bank where they had very little work for me to do but forced me to sit there for 8 hours a day for 6 months. By the end of it I found that my brain had lost the ability to focus for long periods of time. The brain is very similar to muscles in that sense, it can loose fitness. Hence taking that big a break I don't think is a great idea. It may be hard to get back into real work after it. I know it took me a while to get back into the swing of things as it really felt like my brain atrophied a little during those down months. In retrospect I really wish I had been wise enough to study or something in that time.
Also a sabbatical sounds wonderful but is something that is impossible for me. I am the sole breadwinner as my wife is the primary care giver to my daughter who has a lot of health issues. Her duties around the house are way above and beyond what most stay at home moms will ever have to deal with. Despite that she still does work part time in her very limited free time earning a little extra that helps us afford a luxury or two after the medical bills are paid. The thing I am trying to say I guess is that you never know what will happen a year from now to your or your husbands health. If you can work and are not you are taking a bit of a chance as an extra year of earnings in the bank could be the buffer you need to get by should he be retrenched again or whatever. So take a month perhaps is my advice, and then get busy again! Even if its just a half day job to ease you into it.
Hope it all works out. Whatever you choose open and honest communication will probably be needed.
Also a sabbatical sounds wonderful but is something that is impossible for me. I am the sole breadwinner as my wife is the primary care giver to my daughter who has a lot of health issues. Her duties around the house are way above and beyond what most stay at home moms will ever have to deal with. Despite that she still does work part time in her very limited free time earning a little extra that helps us afford a luxury or two after the medical bills are paid. The thing I am trying to say I guess is that you never know what will happen a year from now to your or your husbands health. If you can work and are not you are taking a bit of a chance as an extra year of earnings in the bank could be the buffer you need to get by should he be retrenched again or whatever. So take a month perhaps is my advice, and then get busy again! Even if its just a half day job to ease you into it.
Hope it all works out. Whatever you choose open and honest communication will probably be needed.
Both of you are missing the point. Making silly and sweeping generalised statements is not helping. She supported her husband while he was unemployed (and for a long time from the sounds of it) and now wants some down time.
A year off is a long time and can be difficult to explain to potential employers in the future. You are not being clear on what you want to do with the time. Are you sure you are not depressed? I wouldn't be surprised after what you have been through (multiple moves to other countries, stress of being a sole breadwinner, the stress on your relationship, etc). Those are all real things. I would negotiate a short term "downtime" and then in that time assess the situation carefully.
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pinball wizard
Honorary Master
@OP, I'm confused. You make it sound like you have had a year or so off of work, gardening or something, and now you want a year off from that year off?
reactor_sa
Executive Member
Seems OP feels entitled to a sabbatical for the years she was the sole bread winner.
How fair it is depends on how the couple view their finances. Are finances kept separate or is it joint? That sort of thing. Varies largely amongst couples.
How fair it is depends on how the couple view their finances. Are finances kept separate or is it joint? That sort of thing. Varies largely amongst couples.