just friends?

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mooks

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My partner and I have recently started a long distance relationship after having lived together for 2 years. We dont live too far away and try to see each other at least once or twice a month. However, the country I am living in is completely foreign to me and while I have some social contact at work, I feel it is equally important for me to establish a social network outside of the office.

With that in mind, I joined a local expat social club to meet like minded people. After one such gathering I walked away with contact details for 2 people that I got along well with. The one is of the same sex and in a long term relationship. The other is the opposite sex and single (OH THE HORROR).

My partner has kicked up a huge fuss and has basically decreed that it is inappropriate and unacceptable to befriend a singleton of the opposite sex. In fact, my SO feels so strongly about this that it has become a deal breaking issue.

Am I being too stubborn by saying that I should have the right to befriend who I like? Is my SO being too controlling? As with many long distance relationships, trust is naturally a concern (especially since mistakes have been made by both in the last years), but surely this is taking things a bit far? Is it legit to state in such black and white certainty: you may not be friends with single people of the opposite sex?

I believe that 2 adults can safely conduct a friendship without risk to existing relationships. Is that naive?
 
mooks said:
My partner and I have recently started a long distance relationship after having lived together for 2 years. We dont live too far away and try to see each other at least once or twice a month. However, the country I am living in is completely foreign to me and while I have some social contact at work, I feel it is equally important for me to establish a social network outside of the office.

With that in mind, I joined a local expat social club to meet like minded people. After one such gathering I walked away with contact details for 2 people that I got along well with. The one is of the same sex and in a long term relationship. The other is the opposite sex and single (OH THE HORROR).

My partner has kicked up a huge fuss and has basically decreed that it is inappropriate and unacceptable to befriend a singleton of the opposite sex. In fact, my SO feels so strongly about this that it has become a deal breaking issue.

Am I being too stubborn by saying that I should have the right to befriend who I like? Is my SO being too controlling? As with many long distance relationships, trust is naturally a concern (especially since mistakes have been made by both in the last years), but surely this is taking things a bit far? Is it legit to state in such black and white certainty: you may not be friends with single people of the opposite sex?

I believe that 2 adults can safely conduct a friendship without risk to existing relationships. Is that naive?
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Depends on your intentions.

Also:
As with many long distance relationships, trust is naturally a concern (especially since mistakes have been made by both in the last years)
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Sounds to me like this relationship was over a long time ago.

All the same, a jealous or possessive relationship is a relationship without trust and a relationship without trust is dead.

End it, move on with your life and don't repeat the same mistakes.
 
you may not be friends with single people of the opposite sex?
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Why do you ask? You gave your own answer.

(especially since mistakes have been made by both in the last years)

Your choice, tha balls is in your court.
 
wily me said:
Why do you ask? You gave your own answer.

(especially since mistakes have been made by both in the last years)

Your choice, tha balls is in your court.
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Nothing wrong with making friends of the opposite sex but if you have a shady past it get's very difficult. I think you can look at it from any angle but bottom line it is your decision what to do. Because you mentioned that mistakes have been made jealousy will rear it's ugly head, Also if you are very happy in your relationship is it worthwhile to loose your partner because you made a new friend.
 
Lycanthrope said:
Depends on your intentions.

Also:


Sounds to me like this relationship was over a long time ago.

All the same, a jealous or possessive relationship is a relationship without trust and a relationship without trust is dead.

End it, move on with your life and don't repeat the same mistakes.
Click to expand...

I love it when I can totally agree with someone like this guy. Saves me a lot of typing.
 
mooks said:
Am I being too stubborn by saying that I should have the right to befriend who I like? Is my SO being too controlling? As with many long distance relationships, trust is naturally a concern (especially since mistakes have been made by both in the last years), but surely this is taking things a bit far? Is it legit to state in such black and white certainty: you may not be friends with single people of the opposite sex?

I believe that 2 adults can safely conduct a friendship without risk to existing relationships. Is that naive?
Click to expand...

So, I am a former alcoholic but I've been sober for a while. I like to hang around in bars but my SO doesn't trust me (I only lapsed once during rehab). I honestly believe that I can hang around in bars without drinking any alcohol. Is that naive?



You are kidding right? That analogy is maybe a bit harsh but it comes down to the same thing. I wouldn't trust any of you with anyone else.
 
I'm not sure how to do the quoting thing on my phone so I'll just make references to the replies :)

Relationship-is-dead guy: what about forgiveness and second chances? Classically yes, where there has been indiscretion there would be no future, but does that always have to be the case? We broke up over the betrayals and 6mnths later made the decision to try again. One of the provisors of that was that the past would be the past. I know I've managed to forgive my SO for their betrayal - under our agreement I guess I expected the same.

Alcoholic-relapse-guy: I'm a recovering addict so your response was both amusing but also 2dimensional. Yes, it's wise to avoid dangerous situations but you can't let your past dictate your future to a point where you become isolated. In this context, am I to spend the rest of my days avoiding singletons because of one night 3 yrs ago?

Gay-straight-guy: I don't see how that's relevant?

I get that there would be doubt and concern. I'm not denying that. I guess I just believe that you can make the choice to trust someone or not. I made the choice to trust my SO again. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to not get the same in return.
 
The point is. Lots of people stay in unhappy relationships because they are in a comfort zone. Go out and be happy.
 
mooks said:
I

Gay-straight-guy: I don't see how that's relevant?
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You don't see how its relevant if a gay persons partner won't allow them to have a single friend of the opposite sex? :confused:

You obviously have all the answers already, so why bother asking?
 
Haha! I didn't even do the math on the gay/straight opposite sex thing. My bad ;)

Well you've all been very doom and gloom. I'm feeling super upbeat about my relationship this morning ! ;p

Sigh. So much for the romantic notion that love will conquer all.
 
well i think its selfish to expect your SO to sit alone at home in a foreign place every night playing with themselves. if you not gonna marry your SO then just make all the friends you can. its unreasonable to expect your SO to have no friends of the opposite and single persuasion. or get a local lass to teach you about the language, culture, etc.....
 
xrapidx said:
You obviously have all the answers already, so why bother asking?
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If I felt I had all the answers I wouldn't be here asking a group of anonymous strangers their thoughts. But, and hopefully you agree on this, it is quite challenging to condense years worth of a relationship, it's ups and downs, lies and promises etc. into one post.
 
Well it's simple, do you find this other girl attractive? If no, then it should be fine.
 
mooks said:
I believe that 2 adults can safely conduct a friendship without risk to existing relationships. Is that naive?
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As much as I want to say yes, the truth is that the being only friends does not happen very often.
Good luck in any case and btw imo it should be your choice to befriend whomever you like as it is your partners choice if he then still wants to be in a relationship with you.
 
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abzo said:
Well it's simple, do you find this other girl attractive? If no, then it should be fine.
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Best advice so far, I'd like to add on here a bit though. If you ever could find her attractive (happens sometimes) then no as well :P
 
Cloudster said:
Best advice so far, I'd like to add on here a bit though. If you ever could find her attractive (happens sometimes) then no as well :P
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Excellent, so single friends are a remote possibility on the condition that they are entirely and eternally sexually unappealing. *makes notes furiously*
:p
 
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