Just need to vent...

Ambush said:
Easier said than done, alerady 15 years down the line and 2 little ones to think of.



Spot on. I am like this, I know I shouldn't be and I've been working on it. I've gone out on a limb now repeatedly to state my case and try and fix things. The response I get is the same every time: They have changed and I need to accept that, I don't need to like the new person but that is who they are.



There are good days in between, they are just growing further and further apart though.
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It could be various factors. Resolving any of them will require a lot of work. If you are up to it and you can get your counterpart to agree to it counselling is a start. Sadly most counterparts don't think they are doing anything wrong and therefore won't agree to it.
 
Speak to a shrink or something. You say you have need to vent, that's what they're there for.
 
Ambush said:
What I want to do though is to stand in front of the other person and scream in their face, simply asking what more they want, cause I don't have anything left to give.
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Maybe try that and see what gives as it does not sound like it can get any worse.
 
Ambush said:
Easier said than done, alerady 15 years down the line and 2 little ones to think of.
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Speaking from someone who grew up with a VERY difficult father (won't say more than that), it was more often than not that I wished my parents would divorce.

For the sake of the kids, you need to resolve the problems and stop the fighting or separate.
The stress of living in a war zone does them no good (nor does it do you any good).

It's really difficult to comment just from posts here, but try be objective and see where you are wrong and what parts you can change. I know it's a cliché, but you can only change yourself, you can't change anyone else.
Change the way you feel, work to making yourself feel happy (chocolate and exercise work wonders for me ;)) - the positive energy you feel will help counter the negativity going on between the two of you.
Plus if you're suddenly positive, full of energy and enjoying life, your partner will most likely see you in a new light and want to be around you.

Hope this makes sense?
 
How old are these "2 little ones", because I reckon it'd be best to split ASAP.

My sister had the chance, and she didn't take it. Kids were 5, 8 and 9 before she split from her husband and it left them with some scars. When there was no 3rd, and the 2 girls was 2 and 3, she had the chance, but didn't
 
Easier said than done, alerady 15 years down the line and 2 little ones to think of.
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It doesn't matter. If something is over it's over, and staying in a poisonous marriage is going to damage the 2 little ones more than breaking cleanly and taking them out of it. You know what it's like as a child to know your parents hate each other and sit in the middle of this cloud of vitriol between them for years on end; but they're staying together 'for your sake'?
 
jsheed_sa said:
How is a fictional being and figment of your imagination going to help him...?
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Regardless of whether God exists or not, if people are very religious it could help with some personal humility, anger management issues and trying to become a better person yourself (more like "God" - whatever/whoever your God is) which could help the issue. Obviously it depends on the type of religion and the level of belief the person has.

Also, if the OP doesn't believe in God, then it probably won't help to say he should start praying.

I also think that as soon as you make up your mind that divorce is ok (or might be solution) it will eventually become the solution (instead of perhaps better conflict management or better communication). I prefer to not even consider the possibility - gives me the drive and security to work through issues my wife and I have as "divorce is not an option".

Edit: commenting on whether God exists or not will probably derail the thread - so don't even go there. Just ignore the comment made by sheed_sa.
 
I find being in a place where i can hear only the thoughts of my own helps me to make the right decision even if my position of when i had aproblem was not as big as yours, i managed to find a path to keep me going. In fact i am now much better physically, emotionally and spiritually than i was.

Ask yourself when was the last time you had a break? Perhaps try to get a few days off incase leaving work for too long is not possible. Many find going by the sea helps (it did for me) or by finding something that worked for you in the past.

The fact that you have made a thread to ask for some kind of help is a good sign that you want something positive to come from it.

So again, the last time you had time to listen to your own thoughts away from all the noises you are surrounded by daily that interferes and reminds you too much of the problem is one way to start. You don't need to imo follow any religious method or any following as such to find an answer.

The question has been asked, now find the answer inside yourself.

/hope this helps and keep us updated on the matter (i suspect you are a regular poster but you need not confirm nor deny this) :).
 
You have to do whatever it is to return you to a place of normalcy. Being angry and resentful all the time will not be good for the kids. If you have to split, do so now. If there is some way for you and your SO to come together again, try that. Never stay with someone you hate just for the kids, it will destroy them.

If you split, unless you don't really care about your kids be prepared to make a big change in your life to accommodate them. You will need to speak with them frequently and take part in after school activities with them at least a couple times a week. If you don't spend the time with them, the connection wains until you become a familiar stranger.

Also expect a massive increase in spending as you support your own life and theirs.

That just might be the price of happiness.
 
I forgot to add that you should go for a trial separation now. The distance can help soothe harsh emotions and allow for frank discussion. I would suggest a few weeks away without any communication with the SO but still keeping in contact with the kids. You might want to take the kids on the weekends and some days during the week to give your SO a break and maybe allow her to reflect on the situation from a calmer state.

I wouldn't continue to talk about the current problems with your SO now as it seems like both of you have dug into your positions and defending them with everything you have so more talking right now is just counter productive and will always end up being an argument.

So I would suggest you organise a place to stay for a few weeks not too far away. Once that is done, announce that you are moving out for a while. Call it a relationship holiday. Organise a schedule with the kids once you are settled. Do not sleep with anyone. That is very important. Then after a few weeks, organise a visit to a relationship councillor and meet your SO there. That way, the discussion with not devolve into a fight automatically.

From that point on, it just depends on whether there is still something there to go back to in terms of your connection to your SO.

Well, that's my unprofessional opinion and advice.
 
Just a thought. Go speak to a relationship counselor now and get advice on how to announce you moving out for a while. I was thinking that calling it a trial separation is a bad idea. Just call it distance to allow emotions to cool. The purpose of distance is to create an opportunity for fixing the problems so maybe focusing your thoughts on that and when you announce could help.
 
atomcrusher said:
The OP's got 2 posts .. he's jerking the MyBB chain
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Bite me atom, if I wanted pity I'd post under my normal name, I'm venting.

To everyone else, thanks for the advice, definately something to consider.

I tend to agree though that we need to speak to someone at least. Life would just be easier if I knew where I stood 1 minute to the next. When I got home person was perfectly happy again as if nothing had happened earlier in the day and simply made as if nothing had happened.

I know I'll wish this wasn't the case though later as person will be set off by something small and insignificant.
 
jsheed_sa said:
How is a fictional being and figment of your imagination going to help him...?
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Take up a psychology course through UNISA and see for yourself. It can do 'miracles', fictional or not.

OP - if you want it to work out, you'll have to work on your relationship on a psychological level first. Counselling can work, especially if it's done with a qualified Psychologist.
Church counsellors can work...but then stay away from the ambitious 30 year olds....rather go for old experienced pensioners (that didn't go through 3 divorces...) that can mentor you and your wife/partner.
Unfortunately life doesn't come with manuals, but luckily there are people that already invented the wheel!

Good luck!
 
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