My Impending Heart Attack!

[Hosehead]

I don't quite measure up to your standards of gravitas, but since getting married a few years ago I've put on 20kg... and its serious ****...

4 years ago I used to surf, run and cycle...(pre-marriage ahem) 6 weeks ago I was lucky if I could make it to the remote control without wheezing...

Serious serious ****... so I started walking (screw running since I couldn't actually do it).... 6 weeks later I'm still a fat b*stard... but at least I've made a start...

The moral of the story?

Get test-tos-ter-on jab in the buttocks and all the excess baggage will fall off but your nuts will go from grapes to raisins.

 

[Hosehead]

Vertically disadvantaged?

Nah, can't be, then he wouldn't have been able to load the weber with a pizza...

Assistive living devices. Have you heard of something called a stepladdder or a foot stool?
and by the way watch your PC the correct term is vertically challenged

 

[AfricanTech]

Assistive living devices. Have you heard of something called a stepladdder or a foot stool?
and by the way watch your PC the correct term is vertically challenged

Ya, knew that - couldn't be bothered to correct []

And htf do you expect a VC to balance an uncooked pizza (and than a hot one) while climbing a stool or ladder with a been in one hand?


Nah, def not a member of the VC tribe

 

[Hosehead]

Ya, knew that - couldn't be bothered to correct []

And htf do you expect a VC to balance an uncooked pizza (and than a hot one) while climbing a stool or ladder with a been in one hand?


Nah, def not a member of the VC tribe

Look. It's very simple. So simple that even my cat can understand. This brave Midget has lived in tumbleweed purgatory for quite some years and he has nothing to do all day except learn new tricks, much like a parrot, particularly a Macaw (African Greys bite like the blazes, which is their party trick) and inbetween learning party tricks like Juggling hot Pizza and beer while climbing a footstool next to a flaming hot weber he oversees a few people shift cases of beer fom one side of the walk in fridge to the other side all day long until Saturdays when the dirty miners come to get their thirst slaked. Last time I heard he was practicing climbing up the stepladder to the weber with a flaming hot pizza in one hand and a glass of wine in the other and doing a somersaut through the flames and landing on the other side upside down. Eventually he'll get it right. Just like that oke at the waterfront who slithers conga conga style underneath a long flaming metal bar placed over two coke cans.

 

[AfricanTech]

Look. It's very simple. So simple that even my cat can understand. This brave Midget has lived in tumbleweed purgatory for quite some years and he has nothing to do all day except learn new tricks, much like a parrot, particularly a Macaw (African Greys bite like the blazes, which is their party trick) and inbetween learning party tricks like Juggling hot Pizza and beer while climbing a footstool next to a flaming hot weber he oversees a few people shift cases of beer fom one side of the walk in fridge to the other side all day long until Saturdays when the dirty miners come to get their thirst slaked. Last time I heard he was practicing climbing up the stepladder to the weber with a flaming hot pizza in one hand and a glass of wine in the other and doing a somersaut through the flames and landing on the other side upside down. Eventually he'll get it right. Just like that oke at the waterfront who slithers conga conga style underneath a long flaming metal bar placed over two coke cans.

Doh!

/slaps forehead/

Of course! Explains the weight as well - natural blubber required to prevent serious injury when cruel and sadistic miners empty beer bottle target practise nails him mid somersault!

/genuflects in awe at HH's perspicacity/

 

[Hosehead]

perspicacity/

Hmmm. Haven't heard that term in a while. 2 internets to you Kind sir.
Just be aware you might meet the same fate as the rest of the intelligentsia in TK tonight.

 

[Celine]

holy bloody carp. if you were my husband i would have divorced you long time ago at that weight. no excuse to weigh that much. hit the gym, running track, swimming pool and anything else that will make you lose weight. :wtf:

 

[AfricanTech]

Hmmm. Haven't heard that term in a while. 2 internets to you Kind sir.
Just be aware you might meet the same fate as the rest of the intelligentsia in TK tonight.

 

[AfricanTech]

Hmm, worried about Morty - he usually posts at the weekend...

 

[Mortymoose]

Hmm, worried about Morty - he usually posts at the weekend...

No heart attack, head office went to Whk on swimming tour with offspring, now this would be reason for me to get the draught machine out, fires going and bagpipes annoying the neighbours, savevfor one thing...... She was wise enough to leave the four year old offspring with me and everyone knows that this moose does not drink when he is looking after the young 'un.... Also i have to be ready at a moments notice to jump into the car tomtravel if therevare any problems.... It also does not help that I am working the entire weekend..... Next weekend is a long weekend up here .... So i shall make up for lost time then....
I also have to sms head office every morning when I awake, so she knows that I never had my heart attack in the night.....

Sigh, no drinking and no heart attacks..... Life sucks....

 

[RiaX]

holy bloody carp. if you were my husband i would have divorced you long time ago at that weight. no excuse to weigh that much. hit the gym, running track, swimming pool and anything else that will make you lose weight. :wtf:

women ....


anyways dude you need to get some drugs into the picture if you obese. Look into xenical you cant use the stimulating ones if you got history of family MI

 

[Mortymoose]

holy bloody carp. if you were my husband i would have divorced you long time ago at that weight. no excuse to weigh that much. hit the gym, running track, swimming pool and anything else that will make you lose weight. :wtf:

Madam. I hope that you are not one of those souls that judges a person purely on their looks...

When Head Office met me twenty odd years ago, I was this size, Unemployed and had no bank account/savings..... Lucky for me, She must have seen other qualities besides my wide girth and we have been happily married ever since...

I am not sure which part of my tale here folk do not seem to understand, I am a very active and fit person with a boep, due to my love of lager..... simple as that, I was at a couple of swim gala's last year and guess what? Pot Belly overweight 40 year old's ,wearing Speedo's were racing in the open section against the youngsters and beating them..... We are the exception to the rule, but I must emphasise, you do get overweight fit guys.....

 

[RiaX]

thats why you can cut the gut with drugs or surgery

EDIT:

but if you 40 then there is no point really

 

[AfricanTech]

Madam. I hope that you are not one of those souls that judges a person purely on their looks...

When Head Office met me twenty odd years ago, I was this size, Unemployed and had no bank account/savings..... Lucky for me, She must have seen other qualities besides my wide girth and we have been happily married ever since...

I am not sure which part of my tale here folk do not seem to understand, I am a very active and fit person with a boep, due to my love of lager..... simple as that, I was at a couple of swim gala's last year and guess what? Pot Belly overweight 40 year old's ,wearing Speedo's were racing in the open section against the youngsters and beating them..... We are the exception to the rule, but I must emphasise, you do get overweight fit guys.....

and besides, you're a Scot - and Scots can get away with anything.

Sheesh, some people's eddikashion - have they never heard of getting off 'Scot Free'

 

[Stokstert]

Yeah, no red meat for you in future. Grill only the white part cut from the outside of the mutton chop and ensure extra crispyness.

 

[bwana]

holy bloody carp. if you were my husband i would have divorced you long time ago at that weight. no excuse to weigh that much. hit the gym, running track, swimming pool and anything else that will make you lose weight. :wtf:

Reminded of… “Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
Exchange between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill—”

 

[Mortymoose]

Reminded of… “Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
Exchange between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill—”

+ 10 .... To my arms my brother.... To my arms...