Partners past issues? bother you?

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Problemo

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Hi all,

My lady and I were talking last night and I found out something I shouldn't have been told and I'm angry.

So we were talking about how many people we had each slept with, she brought it up and we've both slept with one but hers was when she slept with one guy from a threesome (2 guys) and she told me she had no choice and that they ripped her clothes off. She said she was weak in a drunk moment. (She really doesnt share easy and says she hasnt told this to anyone else. I believe her as she's a bit of an emotional cripple.)

This made me incredibly angry and I feel like im now silently judging. I really love this girl but I cant get this ****ed up image out of my head now that I know.

I went all silent and got angry and now she feels I'm judging her which I probably am on a subconscious level, i'm just incredibly angry that this happened to her and I don't think its something I should of been made aware of - ignorance being bliss and all that.

What now? I'm hungup with nasty images and thoughts in my head.
 
Well it will pass, not soon but it will.

If you really love her you will come to terms with it and move on.
 
I think, personally, what is in the past, should remain in the past and I think you're in the wrong for being incredibly angry about stuff that is in the past.

If we were all constantly judged by our mistakes in the past, how could we ever move on?

Being affixed or stuck on the past is one of the worst mistakes you could make.

However, it seems like your partner was actually raped, reading your post again- in which case you might be angry about what happened yes, but you should really be very supportive to your lady in this case.
 
People in a relationship also needs their privacy and secrets - some things are just meant to be left alone. But on the other hand Its a sign of trust that she confides one of her darker secrets with you, her way of reaching out and wanting to share the weight of it.

You need to get your mind back in the game! If she needs help coping with the what had happened, you both can seek counseling to come to terms with it, otherwise if she chooses not too, you need to be man enough to support her decision and move on.

Keep this in mind, everybody has low moments, even if you haven't been there yourself you may find yourself there one day - but just remember, she's with you, and not with them! That alone should be comforting!

P.S. Welcome to the forum!
 
Last edited:
Turiko said:
I think, personally, what is in the past, should remain in the past and I think you're in the wrong for being incredibly angry about stuff that is in the past.

If we were all constantly judged by our mistakes in the past, how could we ever move on?

Being affixed or stuck on the past is one of the worst mistakes you could make.

However, it seems like your partner was actually raped, reading your post again- in which case you might be angry about what happened yes, but you should really be very supportive to your lady in this case.
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I agree with all of this..

If you love someone, you love them with all of their past.. It is better to know than not to know..
 
You never want to hear that stuff from your woman - If the topic moves that direction, STOP!

you don't want to know anything.

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I know I know - I just cant get ****ed up visions out of my head... and I know I have no right to be a self righteous prick and judge but its not every bloody day you hear that kind of thing, its going to take me a while to get my mind around it, bad images floating around and whatnot.

LabAnimal said:
People in a relationship also needs their privacy and secrets - some things are just meant to be left alone. But on the other hand Its a sign of trust that she confides one of her darker secrets with you, her way of reaching out and wanting to share the weight of it.

You need to get your mind back in the game! If she needs help coping with the what had happened, you both can seek counseling to come to terms with it, otherwise if she chooses not too, you need to be man enough to support her decision and move on.

Keep this in mind, everybody has low moments, even if you haven't been there yourself you may find yourself there one day - but just remember, she's with you, and not with them! That alone should be comforting!
Click to expand...
 
Keeper said:
You never want to hear that stuff from your woman - If the topic moves that direction, STOP!

you don't want to know anything.
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That is crazy :) Often a persons past helps explain and understand who they are today..

I think it is very admirable of her to tell you.. Shows she trusts you and by you judging her, all you are proving is that you love her conditionally.. She will struggle to trust you in the future if you can not support her when she opened up about something that she clearly feels ashamed of..
 
Problemo said:
I know I know - I just cant get ****ed up visions out of my head... and I know I have no right to be a self righteous prick and judge but its not every bloody day you hear that kind of thing, its going to take me a while to get my mind around it, bad images floating around and whatnot.
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Explain this to her in a very nice way.

Make sure she understands that you are just trying to deal with it, but that you still love her very much.

Keep her in the loop about your feelings.
 
Problemo said:
I know I know - I just cant get ****ed up visions out of my head... and I know I have no right to be a self righteous prick and judge but its not every bloody day you hear that kind of thing, its going to take me a while to get my mind around it, bad images floating around and whatnot.
Click to expand...

Either way, you can't judge her now because of what had happened. She must feel terrible for telling you in the first place. First and foremost you need to be VERY supportive. She needs to feel that she can trust you should she wish to confide her secrets with you! Don't push the issue unless she brings it up! Let her know that it means the world to you that she confided in you. If need be, apologize to her and tell her that you were caught off guard but that you will help should she need it, and move on with your lives.

If you dwell on issues it can tear your relationship apart! Besides, this is a relationship between you and her, and it excludes anybody else in your past or hers!
 
How do you expalin to someone that irrational rage/emotions you're feeling. To be honest, i'd probibly kill/maim/serious injure those two guys if our paths ever cross. (irrational, i know...)

It obvious that she trusts you, and that you realy like her (love even?).
The only advice i can give, forget about them and consentrate on what you have infront of you (her).
She likes you and nobody else (currently, she have'nt met me yet...but that's anther story :D )
Wasting your time on something that happend in the past, something that you can't control or change is fruitless. Rather spend your time on her.
 
She trusted you enough to tell you hoping you'd understand. She wouldn't have told you if she knew you'd judge her by it.
 
I think you are being a bit selfish, you are making this all about you, and how you feel about this, I think you should give your ego a rest and look past the obvious. I too made this mistake, so I’m not judging you, but if you don’t figure out that this is not about you soon, you’re relationship will not make it much further. Be a man, deal with that you can change, accept that which you can’t.
 
I am the same! Bad trait! These days I don't go into the past. But he'll I would be curious, so to the OP you ain't alone

Edit: I agree with other posters, it's something you should work on ( so should I)
 
DDV TECH said:
I think you are being a bit selfish, you are making this all about you, and how you feel about this, I think you should give your ego a rest and look past the obvious. I too made this mistake, so I’m not judging you, but if you don’t figure out that this is not about you soon, you’re relationship will not make it much further. Be a man, deal with that you can change, accept that which you can’t.
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Too true - I know in retrospect what I did is wrong and I've apologized it caught me out and blindsided me and I got angry for what happened - stupid yes - irrational yes - regretting the way i acted - yes.
 
Problemo said:
and she told me she had no choice and that they ripped her clothes off. She said she was weak in a drunk moment.
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Ok ...

I can't quite see this : did she want it - or not? Was she weak and got caught up in the excitement? Or did she not want anything and they 'made' her and pounced her?
 
spiderz said:
1) How do you expalin to someone that irrational rage/emotions you're feeling. To be honest, i'd probibly kill/maim/serious injure those two guys if our paths ever cross. (irrational, i know...)

2) It obvious that she trusts you, and that you realy like her (love even?).
The only advice i can give, forget about them and consentrate on what you have infront of you (her).
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1) You don't need to explain it to anyone, just make sure she knows that you are feeling this way.

2) +100
 
Dolby said:
Ok ...

I can't quite see this : did she want it - or not? Was she weak and got caught up in the excitement? Or did she not want anything and they 'made' her and pounced her?
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I'm struggling with that too - I think she got way too drunk to know what was happening as she still has not told anybody save me about this, she's embarrased. She says it was a weak moment. I'm not going to probe further as its just going to be upsetting for the both of us.
 
Problemo said:
I'm struggling with that too - I think she got way too drunk to know what was happening as she still has not told anybody save me about this, she's embarrased. She says it was a weak moment. I'm not going to probe further as its just going to be upsetting for the both of us.
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Probably you more than her.

How old is she and how long have you been together?
 
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