Partners past issues? bother you?

Problemo said:
I'm struggling with that too - I think she got way too drunk to know what was happening as she still has not told anybody save me about this, she's embarrased. She says it was a weak moment. I'm not going to probe further as its just going to be upsetting for the both of us.
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Actually, if this bothers you its probably going to fester in your mind and your going to blame her for it.

Look, the beans are spilled. You might as well discuss it so that you both are clear on what happend and how it makes you feel.

Just listen with kindness and don't judge again(and if you do, keep it to yourself to sort out on your own time, don't throw that on her as well).

She might benefit from talking about it as well.
 
Dolby said:
Probably you more than her.

How old is she and how long have you been together?
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Are you serious? His girlfriend was possibly raped - at the very least taken advantage of - and you think that talking about it is going to upset the boyfriend more than the girl in question?

That is the most selfish & egotistical approach I have ever come across. To be used or abused sexually is one of the most soul destroying things a human can go through. To be physically at somebody elses mercy goes beyond just being disempowered, and yet you think the person suffering the most is the poor boyfriend who has been trusted with this injustice?

The woman who has confided in her bf has taken a huge step in trust and vulnerability and all she gets in return is a self involved, 'woe is me' attitude from her bf.

I applaud the the person who started this thread for his self awareness and honesty, but that doesnt mean I dont completely disagree with his behaviour.
 
Natasha H said:
That is crazy :) Often a persons past helps explain and understand who they are today..

I think it is very admirable of her to tell you.. Shows she trusts you and by you judging her, all you are proving is that you love her conditionally.. She will struggle to trust you in the future if you can not support her when she opened up about something that she clearly feels ashamed of..
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+1
I'd also want to know.

Believe it or not, you should be happy that she did tell u.
 
superB said:
Are you serious? His girlfriend was possibly raped - at the very least taken advantage of - and you think that talking about it is going to upset the boyfriend more than the girl in question?

That is the most selfish & egotistical approach I have ever come across. To be used or abused sexually is one of the most soul destroying things a human can go through. To be physically at somebody elses mercy goes beyond just being disempowered, and yet you think the person suffering the most is the poor boyfriend who has been trusted with this injustice?

The woman who has confided in her bf has taken a huge step in trust and vulnerability and all she gets in return is a self involved, 'woe is me' attitude from her bf.

I applaud the the person who started this thread for his self awareness and honesty, but that doesnt mean I dont completely disagree with his behaviour.
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We're both guessing.

She could have been raped or abused. f she was abused or raped, I'm sure the OP would have no doubt. The fact that he thinks and is not 100% sure what happened, leads me to believe it wasn't - as he'd have no doubt in his mind.

I couldbe wrong though
 
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Knowing the details about your partner's past is not always easy. How you deal with it depends on how adult and mature you are.

Mr Blu has had quite the colourful past in terms of previous partners. I swear, I seem pure as the driven snow compared to him! He has dated some loonies :D

It used to hurt me and anger me, but we have been together for long enough that I do not feel upset by it anymore.

You should show your gf (by your actions) that you do not hold her past behaviour against her and is willing to support her if she needs it.
 
I tend to think it was more of 2 guys pushing their luck with a really drunk girl - not rape per say but borderline where shes unable to say no. I'm still pretty annoyed at the whole thing - angry that she had to go through that (her first time) and that I don't exactly know how to deal with the situation. Ignorance is bliss and all that. I have no doubt as to her telling the truth or playing me whatsoever, I just don't think I want to delve too deeply in to the subject as its going to hurt her and possibly me too.

Dolby said:
We're both guessing.

She could have been raped or abused. f she was abused or raped, I'm sure the OP would have no doubt. The fact that he thinks and is not 100% sure what happened, leads me to believe it wasn't - as he'd have no doubt in his mind.

I couldbe wrong though
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Problemo said:
I tend to think it was more of 2 guys pushing their luck with a really drunk girl - not rape per say but borderline where shes unable to say no. I'm still pretty annoyed at the whole thing - angry that she had to go through that (her first time) and that I don't exactly know how to deal with the situation. Ignorance is bliss and all that. I have no doubt as to her telling the truth or playing me whatsoever, I just don't think I want to delve too deeply in to the subject as its going to hurt her and possibly me too.
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Even that scenario is traumatic.. You really need to be a support to her, especially since she chose to open up to you.. By you judging her you actually have no idea the damage you are doing to a possibly already damaged person.. If you care for her at all, you will care for her even more knowing the truth of her past..
 
Natasha H said:
Even that scenario is traumatic.. You really need to be a support to her, especially since she chose to open up to you.. By you judging her you actually have no idea the damage you are doing to a possibly already damaged person.. If you care for her at all, you will care for her even more knowing the truth of her past..
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I know I regret the rash way in which I acted and have apologized tons of times - I just didn't see her falling pray to a situation like that and I know I judged way too quickly - but the deep dark corners of my mind took control. I'm going to try make up for it tonight.
 
Problemo said:
I know I regret the rash way in which I acted and have apologized tons of times - I just didn't see her falling pray to a situation like that and I know I judged way too quickly - but the deep dark corners of my mind took control. I'm going to try make up for it tonight.
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Cool :D

Let me tell you from experience you actually have no idea how much you could (based on this one situation) either break her completely for a very long time or completely redeem her in her own eyes, so that she feels like the honourable, respected, unashamed, beautiful and intelligent woman I am sure she is ;)

Seems you already know this though :rolleyes:

Enjoy your evening!
 
If there's one thing that bothers me about a woman is her sex history. I know I'm supposed to live the past were it is and stuff but after I found out that my ex was basically a slut (she slept with 7 guys and she's only 19, and at one point she slept with 3 different guys at different times in one month) I decided that I want to know a girl's sex history before I get into a relationship with her.

I really didn't like the feeling I felt when my ex told me that she slept with so many guys and had one night stands and stuff like that, it tore me apart considering that I loved her, if I didn't love her and only wanted sex from her then her sex past wouldn't have bothered me at all. I really hated having images of guys in her past having sex with her and stuff, it's something I WILL NEVER go through again, it's worse than being heartbroken.

I have this thing whereby I ask a woman I'm interested in about her sex past (as friends ofcourse), so far most of them tell me.
 
Sly21C said:
If there's one thing that bothers me about a woman is her sex history. I know I'm supposed to live the past were it is and stuff but after I found out that my ex was basically a slut (she slept with 7 guys and she's only 19, and at one point she slept with 3 different guys at different times in one month) I decided that I want to know a girl's sex history before I get into a relationship with her.
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That is unfortunate in todays times.. It is portrayed as normal and cool to do these things.. I think young girls are under enormous pressure to be "sexy" now a days, and the only way they know how at that age is to have sex..

Sad but true.
 
Natasha H said:
That is unfortunate in todays times.. It is portrayed as normal and cool to do these things.. I think young girls are under enormous pressure to be "sexy" now a days, and the only way they know how at that age is to have sex..

Sad but true.
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Yeah luckily I can be really, really, ridiculously good looking without putting out :D

Im no manwhore :p :D
 
Natasha H said:
That is unfortunate in todays times.. It is portrayed as normal and cool to do these things.. I think young girls are under enormous pressure to be "sexy" now a days, and the only way they know how at that age is to have sex..

Sad but true.
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And nothing new. Its a question of morality and the general lack thereof that makes it more prevalent these days. The "primal instincts" so to speak within hormone-ravaged teenagers is not a new concept. The moral backbone to say no however is lacking more these days.

But at the end of the day, if you base your relationship on sex only, or allow your partner's previous sex-life to get in the way of actually maintaining a healthy relationship, then the issue is not with your partner, but with you! So long as adults these days are responsible and be tested for STD's regularly, and especially when entering a new relationship, then one has nothing to worry about at all.

You might have grounds to complain or let it become an issue should she had been a prostitute, but to allow it to become an inhibitive factor in what could be a happy relationship, only because she had sex as much as you wish you could, is absurd. Even if you didn't wish to have that much sex, she did, that's her and is a reflection on the way she is. If you don't like that, then maybe your personalities are not compatible from the outset...
 
Natasha H said:
That is unfortunate in todays times.. It is portrayed as normal and cool to do these things.. I think young girls are under enormous pressure to be "sexy" now a days, and the only way they know how at that age is to have sex..

Sad but true.
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yeah i know, but not all girls are the same and i normally don't go for those types of girls, it's just that my last girlfriend was that type.
 
Natasha H said:
How do they say here? "pics or it didn't happen" :)
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Rubbish! I posted my pic in the lingerie section - go check its there. I am dressed in red lingerie - you on the other hand have not lived up to your end of the bargain so you are banned from using this phrase until you rectify the issue...:mad:
 
DJK said:
Even if you didn't wish to have that much sex, she did, that's her and is a reflection on the way she is. If you don't like that, then maybe your personalities are not compatible from the outset...
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I always find it ironic how men lie, charm and seduce woman into bed and then call them sluts afterwards ;)

Just because she got drunk and the wrong thing happened once(and in this case, seems more like 2 men with no morals) does not mean it is a reflection on her..

If she was doing this every weekend, different story..
 
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