Relationship Complications

[Daddy2B]

Hello everyone

I'm a 30 year old guy and having been through a few relationships, one of which was totally disastrous and changed my entire life, I spent close on two years being single and staying away from anything "serious".

Last year December I ended up chatting to an old contact of mine who I knew a year or so ago but never really shared much with. she's 28 and has a 2 year old child. She's the woman of my dreams and we really hit it off together. Infact we hit it off so well that all the people we met or told our story to, were of the opinion that we make an awesome couple and that they reckoned we have been together for several years. She's the first woman in all these years I ever thought of telling my family about her because of how happy we are together.

Everything in our relationship has been on the fast track. We literally got engaged in two months and ended up moving in together 4 months later. This was due to her mother kicking her out of her house because of some family issues.
We recently found out that she's a few weeks pregnant and I have never been more excited in my life than to hear this news.

As with all relationships, we have had a fair share of petty arguments, silly fights and insecurities to deal with. However things have been getting worse lately to the point where she is threatening to abort the child and asking me to get out of the house and leave her alone etc. I understand that pregnancy hormones etc can cause someone to feel bad and regret things etc. but this is now getting to a point where I am unsure of what to do anymore.

There are a lot of issues that creep up in between but she keeps telling me that she isn't happy with the pregnancy and the fact that she is having a second child out of wedlock. Also she brings up the issue that my family hasn't accepted her or her child, and now this second baby is a bigger problem which she doesn't want.

I know I haven't written every single detail here but there are several factors which seem to contribute towards her constant wanting to end everything.
I would truly appreciate your honest and unbiased advise as I'm beginning to think that I'm a failure of a man, a fiancé and a father to my two children. Please help

 

[maumau]

If she isn't ready for another baby best not to force the issue. The child wil be around forever, however abortion is a contentious subject and you'll surely get plenty of views on this thread.

Why should you feel like a failure? The first child isn't yours anyway.

I may sound harsh but you've painted yourself into a corner and there's pain ahead for one, two or three of you, nevermind the fall out that hits your families and friends.

Don't you know where babies come from?

p.s. if i were you i'd make very sure she is pregnant and if she isn't RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. Don't look back.

 

[Avenue]

You need to figure out whats the root issue here- normally these silly little fights are over something much deeper.

she is having a second child out of wedlock. Also she brings up the issue that my family hasn't accepted her or her child, and now this second baby is a bigger problem which she doesn't want.

This gives a clue, but what does she actually want? to get married, to abort, to get your families trust, to have fun again, for you to persue her again. Figure that out and you are 50% there.

 

[Rickster]

Why hasnt your family accepted her? Does she have a few skeletons?

 

[NeonNinja]

What's your other forum username?

 

[OrbitalDawn]

That's why you don't get engaged after 2 months.

 

[Xena1]

I agree with Maumau. Maybe just make sure she really is pregnant. I also think the issue could be that she already had to raise one child on her own, as this will be her second child out of wedlock (she doesn't seem to learn her lesson :erm but I think she feels insecure and she doesn't want to risk things with you guys not working out, and then having to raise a second baby on her own again. Maybe things will get better if she is totally secure in the fact that you love her enough to commit completely. If you are sure that you really love her, and she is sure from her side too, it could be a good idea to get married. That way she will be sure that you are certainly sticking around. Seems as if the problems started when she got pregnant?

 

[Dan C]

If you are sure that you really love her, and she is sure from her side too, it could be a good idea to get married. That way she will be sure that you are certainly sticking around.

Can't really agree with that, but a good thought. Don't think marriage will just sort out problems, probably make it worst.

 

[Daddy2B]

She's always been ready for another baby. Infact she would bring it up more than I did, about how badly she wants another child, and that too with me.
I feel like a failure because of how hard I tried to make her happy. In every way possible. Yet I'm painted as the bad guy and I now stand to lose both my children.

Yes these issues have come up because of deeper stuff.like distrust and assumption based on other people in our past.

We both wanted to get married but because of the pregnancy and my family being out of the country till late June, I suggested we do it later after the baby is born and she is looking the way she wants to be in the photos etc. but she wants to be married immediately and doesn't want to wait.

I haven't told my dad about her child yet coz he's very old fashioned and will most probably flip at the mention of it. I rather want him to get to know her better and see her in the light I see her. But all this seems too slow a process for her.

I don't have another forum username.

She really is pregnant. We went to the doctor for two scans already. You're quite correct slickchick. Well said.

 

[Dolby]

You've referred twice as both your children.

I have heard people refer to their adopted children as their own after a very long period and if there is no other parent - it is odd you refer to him/her as your own so soon.

Where's the father anyhow?
How long as it been in total since you moved in together?
Could you maybe be too clingy or desperate for a family of your own?

 

[Nick333]

Let's see. You hook up with a chick you've known for a while, fall in love quickly, move in together quickly, get engaged quickly and she falls pregnant. Now she's pressuring you into marrying her by threatening to abort your kid. She needed a sucker to look after her and her kid financially. You're it.

 

[Drake2007]

Sounds like she has little to no morals. Are you sure you want such a person to be the mother to your kid?

Also you need to resolve the issue with your Dad sooner than later. How hurt would he be if you told him after the fact?

 

[Venomous]

Let's see. You hook up with a chick you've known for a while, fall in love quickly, move in together quickly, get engaged quickly and she falls pregnant. Now she's pressuring you into marrying her by threatening to abort your kid. She needed a sucker to look after her and her kid financially. You're it.

This ^





(and I don't always agree with nicky boy)

 

[Xena1]

Can't really agree with that, but a good thought. Don't think marriage will just sort out problems, probably make it worst.

When I read your signature I can understand you saying that.... Yes marriage doesn't just sort out problems but maybe in this case it can.

 

[Sensorei]

Let's see. You hook up with a chick you've known for a while, fall in love quickly, move in together quickly, get engaged quickly and she falls pregnant. Now she's pressuring you into marrying her by threatening to abort your kid. She needed a sucker to look after her and her kid financially. You're it.

This saved me lots of typing.

 

[DigitalSoldier]

You've referred twice as both your children.

I have heard people refer to their adopted children as their own after a very long period and if there is no other parent - it is odd you refer to him/her as your own so soon.

Where's the father anyhow?
How long as it been in total since you moved in together?
Could you maybe be too clingy or desperate for a family of your own?

I have to agree I found it a bot strange that he keeps referring to both children as his own.

 

[DigitalSoldier]

Also why not introduce her to your dad.

She is going to be your wife!

 

[Xena1]

She's always been ready for another baby. Infact she would bring it up more than I did, about how badly she wants another child, and that too with me.
I feel like a failure because of how hard I tried to make her happy. In every way possible. Yet I'm painted as the bad guy and I now stand to lose both my children.

Yes these issues have come up because of deeper stuff.like distrust and assumption based on other people in our past.

We both wanted to get married but because of the pregnancy and my family being out of the country till late June, I suggested we do it later after the baby is born and she is looking the way she wants to be in the photos etc. but she wants to be married immediately and doesn't want to wait.

I haven't told my dad about her child yet coz he's very old fashioned and will most probably flip at the mention of it. I rather want him to get to know her better and see her in the light I see her. But all this seems too slow a process for her.

I don't have another forum username.

She really is pregnant. We went to the doctor for two scans already. You're quite correct slickchick. Well said.

Firstly, you must realise that you are not responsible for her happiness. She must sort out her own inner demons and you can't do that for her. If she has issues, no matter how small some of them may be, it will now be amplified because of the pregnancy. Small things become big things. I think it is important to communicate very well and clearly. You may perceive yourself as the one causing the unhappiness when that may not be true. Women don't always understand how men tick and we sometimes send out the wrong message to you guys without intending to.

I am a little worried about the fact that you say she was always ready for another baby and that she wanted one with you. I am sorry to say but it sounds like a bit of a trap.

The question is do you really want to marry her or are you pressurized into marrying her? If you really want to, why don't you just get married legally so long, and then when the baby is here then have a ceremony? It is important though that you don't do this without your family knowing. They are going to have to know sooner or later so it might as well be sooner. They may not like it, but the fact is you seem to love her, and now there is a innocent baby on it's way, so you have to do what is best for you guys in this situation now.

 

[Goliath]

Had similar incident recently.. met an awesome girl that is 2 years younger than myself, we hit it off great and then short while after she left her boyfriend(went out +-16months) and wanted to get in relationship with me.. told her lets take it slow because of the ex and get to know each other first, we hardly know each other but the attraction was there! (Wanted to make really sure because perhaps she can do the same to me when new guy comes along and few other serious reasons)

Very very long story short, I took it too slow for her, she went back to the ex(who I met and could understand why she left him, she's a 10 and he a 4 - looks like the the 5th teletubby) and basically crushed me in the process while I've played it as it should have been..

Lesson learned: Never make impulse decisions, no matter how good you hit it off etc, there's a reason you need to check things out first! Oh and also to stay away from crazies!

Good luck with your choices and decisions!

 

[akescpt]

Is she kicking you out of your own damn house? :wtf: you should have Worn a rubber. Irresponsible from both of you. Now you're knee deep innit and it's not so nice anymore. Someone's gonna get hurt. Don't see a happy ending.