Relationship problem

ChilliGirl said:
so she transfered to live with you?

Could her mother not offer her an allowance even if it R2k to help cover her living expences?
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Her Mother does not have the money to start with. Her Moms friend is paying for her studies.
Yes she transferred here to live with me, I didnt expect things to get so bad I should of known and listened to my head not my heart
 
Wezzy777 said:
It was the only option as she does not have family here and her studies are close to where I stay
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Sounds reasonable, still would like you to sit down and work out where your money is going now, then compare that against where it was going before she moved in, just does not sound reasonable that you now have nothing left over.
 
In that case I say she should get a job at a restaurant, pub, pnp, look&listen......

so that she can contribute to life. Life throws curve balls at us all. We can sink in the shyte or we can learn to swim and be survivors ...
 
biena said:
Sounds reasonable, still would like you to sit down and work out where your money is going now, then compare that against where it was going before she moved in, just does not sound reasonable that you now have nothing left over.
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I pay the bond, car (and as I mentioned I drive her around alot), petrol, electricity, water, food the list goes on and on but I dont expect you to fully understand my postion as there is alot more to it. I just wanted aother viewpoint as I am getting fed up and wanted to know if other people have had similar senarios or advice for me thats all
 
The electricity, water, food I can reasonably expect, all the other should be out of her pocket, so either give her a bill or kick her out, it is not fair that you have to pay all her living expenses.

You are young enough to date a lot of women still, don't get fixated on this one, she sounds like a leech.
 
What's done is done, its time to move forward now.Without setting the initial ground rules you cant expect her to suddenly pull her weight.After all she's barely out of her teens.
My advice is to sit down and talk about what you expect of her.Lay down some clearly defined regulations and be stern about it.Its an education for her.
If she balks at the idea its time to give her the boot.She has far too much to lose if she opposes you.
She'll respect you more for being a man and standing up for yourself.
 
TBH it doesnt sound like she's in much of a position to oppose you...

She goes to uni a couple days a week, WTF is she doing the rest of the time?

You should try lay out a cooking rosta, cleaning rules etc, make her understand that you are tired after work and it would be nice some times to come home to a nice meal and a clean house bla bla bla....
You should ask her to get a part time job to get some income so you dont have to pay for everything, even if its just enough for her so she doesn't have to ask you every time for something, but ideally so she can also contribute even if its just buying milk and break etc..
 
Hi Wezzy,
i really sympathize with your situation.

You are falling out of love with her because she is taking your lifestyles for granted.

It does show me how dedicated and loyal you are in the relationship and its obviously clear that there is more give then take occurring in this relationship.

You urgently need to communicate this to her before it makes you bitter, sour and ultimately downright resentful towards her.

I can see she might even deploy emotional blackmail tactics to turn your concerns against you, thus making you seem like the one with the problem.

I always hear men cannot communicate feelings and emotions properly, yet you gave us an accurate description of what is occurring in your relationship.

For the sake of your emotional health/happiness i recommend you tell her this very story and attach an ultimatum to it before any more hurt occurs if this cannot be resolved.

I wish you the best of luck and hopes she makes an effort on her part or else this relationship will fail, and in no part will it be your fault.

Regards DA.
 
Sell and buy another place without telling her. Then she's the new owner's problem.
 
You might want to print out this out as a greeting card just in case

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Bad situation mate, you wanted someone with similar experience to give you advice? ok here goes, this has not personally happened to me but it happened to a guy my friends and I know. Basically, he also had a gf whose family weren't well off and he is well off because he works open to close 6 days a week in 1 of hes dads shops and his father is rich. His gf was studying at UP and he was working, he stays in Mpumalanga but she use to stay with him on weekends etc. Anyway, he use to pay for her studies, expenses, allowance, practically everything, even gave her his car to use in PTA. They went out for like 5 years and as soon as she graduated she left him, took the car, her degree and some guy she met in PTA and went to live in Capetown like a thief in the night... Scary but true, so be careful man. Some people just use and abuse you until they get what they want and just like that they're gone with not even a word of thanks for all your hard work and everything you've given them. Goodluck!

P.S im not saying your gf is in anyway like that! Dont break up with her based on what people say, only you will know how she really is, all im saying here is that you should take this story into account. (but you'll know if shes a gold digger or not). IMO you should really have a heart-to-heart discussion with her about doing chores and helping out a bit in the house. if she really wants to be with you she'll take the conversation to heart and change her ways for the better. Again, im no expert its just my opinion
 
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Loads of posts I didn't read, but I hope you read mine.

First off, nothing HAS to turn into a fight if you sit down and calmly explain a plan of action. A division of chores around the house for example. It's tough to keep a cool head when you love someone, but if you approach it in a way where she doesn't have to feel like you're attacking her, and therefor have to go on the defense, then things and open communication would be less stressful.

It's an art not to push the other person into defensive mode, whenever I approached a group of women, and say something controversial (however true it may be), ALL of them will gang up on me in defense even if they have to throw all logic out of the window. They fight emotionally and not long before then it's an insult-fest. One I usually win.

So, plan of action?

1) Prepare a plan. List the things that currently bothers you and come up with a plan to solve them. Dividing up the chores that will give her enough "space" to do whatever she wants, study and still contribute to the house-hold. Don't talk about it, come up with a schedule both of you can stick to. Something like "The super nanny" would do with the kids to help around the house. A board of some kind where every task is listed on a day to have it completed. And since both of you aren't kids (well, she might still be in most ways), you could "reward" each other with sexual favors or back/foot rubs etc. From what you've said, she does sometimes do things around the house, but it really does sound like there's no structure as to who does what and when. An example would be to schedule who makes dinner. Mo/We/Fri would be your turn, Tue/Thu/Sat her turn, and Sunday you can maybe go out for lunch/brunch at a cheap enough place that doesn't sell lobster.

2) Not being able to go to fancy dinner dates or fun activities due to the money issue doesn't mean you can go out at least once a week to go to the movies or the theater. Both of which is relatively cheap enough to not break the bank and easily budgeted for. My one friend and his wife (who dated 9 years before tying the knot) has a WEEKLY date night, even with their little bundle of joy, to go out to the movies and maybe a bite to eat. Spur isn't THAT expensive dude.

3) Communication. Romance & Intimacy takes work. So does love. It's never easy, nor should it be. But I've seen that this generation is so quick to quibble over money/sex and break up without actually working on it, it's insane. This is a 2 way street and your attempts at communicating with her effectively without putting her on the defense and eventually leading to a fight will take some work from your side.

4) She's spoiled. There has been no real pressure put on her to actually grow up and out of the phase where everything is done for her or handed to her on a silver platter. You can't change that overnight nor can you pressure her into anything. It will be a gradual process. A process BOTH of you are willing to work on and perfect as time goes by. Oh... and do me a favor. Don't call her spoiled or a brat.

5) Keep calm. If she starts a fight (or wants to start a fight), just keep calm and think thrice before you say anything. Remember, you're the man in the relationship, you should dictate a plan of action and be open to discuss any changes she might feel this "plan" needs. If she's too immature to accept anything you come up with, ask her to help solve the problem and remind her that you love her with a passion and that you'd like to have a life with her.

IMO you didn't move too fast, nor did you make a mistake by moving in together. It's a part and transition for both of you to get to know each other more intimately. If, after 4 months, you want to throw in the towel and dismiss the last 4 years of your relationship, by all means, go ahead and do it. You're still young and you can do it if you wanted to, but please note what I said about it taking hard work.

It's a two-way street at the end of the day. If she's not willing, then you'd need to take action and end things rather. She's still young as well, and her age may be the thing that stands in the way. Women often don't want to feel "tied down" at that age and want to experience life etc. But speaking from personal experience (dating and family), if she's like this when she's studying, she'll be even worse when she's working and contributing financially. Better try to change it now while you can so that both of you grow together instead of apart.
 
Oh and the worst thing you could do is give her ultimatums. That's a one-way ticket to fight-ville (read my paragraph on putting her on the "defense"). Ultimatums is probably the most immature thing you could have come up with.
 
I read this the other day and this ridiculous situation really bugged me because I know this kind of story well.

Now this thread pops up again and seeing a guy so blinded by pu$$y that he can't man up and grow a backbone is just shameful. Sorry, but sympathy is not what you need. You need to make changes because patterns like this have a way of staying with one in life unless you sort things out.
 
AcidRaZor said:
Loads of posts I didn't read, but I hope you read mine.

First off, nothing HAS to turn into a fight if you sit down and calmly explain a plan of action. A division of chores around the house for example. It's tough to keep a cool head when you love someone, but if you approach it in a way where she doesn't have to feel like you're attacking her, and therefor have to go on the defense, then things and open communication would be less stressful.

It's an art not to push the other person into defensive mode, whenever I approached a group of women, and say something controversial (however true it may be), ALL of them will gang up on me in defense even if they have to throw all logic out of the window. They fight emotionally and not long before then it's an insult-fest. One I usually win.

So, plan of action?

1) Prepare a plan. List the things that currently bothers you and come up with a plan to solve them. Dividing up the chores that will give her enough "space" to do whatever she wants, study and still contribute to the house-hold. Don't talk about it, come up with a schedule both of you can stick to. Something like "The super nanny" would do with the kids to help around the house. A board of some kind where every task is listed on a day to have it completed. And since both of you aren't kids (well, she might still be in most ways), you could "reward" each other with sexual favors or back/foot rubs etc. From what you've said, she does sometimes do things around the house, but it really does sound like there's no structure as to who does what and when. An example would be to schedule who makes dinner. Mo/We/Fri would be your turn, Tue/Thu/Sat her turn, and Sunday you can maybe go out for lunch/brunch at a cheap enough place that doesn't sell lobster.

2) Not being able to go to fancy dinner dates or fun activities due to the money issue doesn't mean you can go out at least once a week to go to the movies or the theater. Both of which is relatively cheap enough to not break the bank and easily budgeted for. My one friend and his wife (who dated 9 years before tying the knot) has a WEEKLY date night, even with their little bundle of joy, to go out to the movies and maybe a bite to eat. Spur isn't THAT expensive dude.

3) Communication. Romance & Intimacy takes work. So does love. It's never easy, nor should it be. But I've seen that this generation is so quick to quibble over money/sex and break up without actually working on it, it's insane. This is a 2 way street and your attempts at communicating with her effectively without putting her on the defense and eventually leading to a fight will take some work from your side.

4) She's spoiled. There has been no real pressure put on her to actually grow up and out of the phase where everything is done for her or handed to her on a silver platter. You can't change that overnight nor can you pressure her into anything. It will be a gradual process. A process BOTH of you are willing to work on and perfect as time goes by. Oh... and do me a favor. Don't call her spoiled or a brat.

5) Keep calm. If she starts a fight (or wants to start a fight), just keep calm and think thrice before you say anything. Remember, you're the man in the relationship, you should dictate a plan of action and be open to discuss any changes she might feel this "plan" needs. If she's too immature to accept anything you come up with, ask her to help solve the problem and remind her that you love her with a passion and that you'd like to have a life with her.

IMO you didn't move too fast, nor did you make a mistake by moving in together. It's a part and transition for both of you to get to know each other more intimately. If, after 4 months, you want to throw in the towel and dismiss the last 4 years of your relationship, by all means, go ahead and do it. You're still young and you can do it if you wanted to, but please note what I said about it taking hard work.

It's a two-way street at the end of the day. If she's not willing, then you'd need to take action and end things rather. She's still young as well, and her age may be the thing that stands in the way. Women often don't want to feel "tied down" at that age and want to experience life etc. But speaking from personal experience (dating and family), if she's like this when she's studying, she'll be even worse when she's working and contributing financially. Better try to change it now while you can so that both of you grow together instead of apart.
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Thank you for this it is exactly what I needed to hear. We had a good talk no ultimatuim or anything and things are back on track she cleaned the house did the laundry and I was so surprised to get home and see what she had done and all it took was a good conversation because I refused to get into a fight.

Thank you everyone for your input still got a long way to go but it is certainly a start. :)
 
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