Selfish father-in-law

@OP may I ask how you landed a job, and in what industry? And did you get a firm offer and on which terms (from a starting date point of view)?

Reason I ask is that the wife and I are currently looking to emigrate to Canada going the Permanent Residency route. Also been applying for over 100 jobs and no luck. They seem to not even look at job applications from foreigners without PR status.

Anyway, the decision should be between your wife and yourself, not her parents.
 
forumite said:
Also, is it fair to say we need to have a "serious chat" if "she doesn't" as per your advice?
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Step back. I'm not saying threaten or manipulate her, I'm saying have a serious chat. The immigration is actually a secondary concern. The bigger issue is the fallback to the father and the blunt override. I've been married for over 14 years and the quickest route to arguments\marital tension, is opposite family. I also had attempted highly controlling in laws but you need to have a united front against it. Having a serious chat is not "overriding" her but if her future plans don't align with yours, you both need to know where you stand.

Immigration is also damn expensive, just the setup even, you both don't want to have gone through the expense and cancel at last minute for reasons you haven't discussed.
 
forumite said:
Regular forumite here. Throwaway account.

I am just so pissed. My SO and I have begun thinking about our possible emigration. I have acquired a job offer in Canada.
The father-in-law says "No" to my wife.

Now I don't speak to them often. But what in the actual f**k is "No" supposed to mean.
I didn't ask him, I told her to tell them.

Multiple issues I have here:
1. Who in the actual f**k are you to say no to me.
2. Why the actual f**k should I stay here if possibilities are there for me to move.
3. I didn't actually f**kn ask you, my wife TOLD you.
4. My wife now is siding with you and evaluating your reasons for not f**kn going.
5. I'm glad I don't stay in the same f**kn city as you.

Anybody got any advice for me before I lose my **** totally with this ou. Half way there.

Or, advice to discuss this issue with him calmly once I've calmed down.

Rant over.
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Leaving her family is probably what is bothering her. Sit down with her and ask her to leave her dad's reasons out - and give you the reasons why she is reluctant. Perhaps you can show her that you are doing it for both of your futures. Try and get her excited about it. I know you will hate this idea - but suggest she try and convince them to immigrate too. You can claim them once settled. You don't have to rush that process though.

If you ignore how she feels - you will either be forced to remain here - or separate. You need to decide how much this move means to you.
 
giovannidc said:
But on a serious note, you and your wife need to be on the same page about moving and if you decide to go, then chat to your father-in-law again. By then the news would of sunk in and you're a lot calmer. Listen to his concerns and tell him you've taken it into consideration, but you and your wife are firmly decided on the move and that you believe its right thing to do. And if does the "No" thing again, just deflect it by affirming his concern and reiterate that you and your wife are decided on the matter.
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Not necessarily. Man of the house and bread winner decides. Period.

If wife wants to stay - let her. She doesn't own you.
 
Seek some anger management counselling.

And some ego deflation tabs while you at it.
 
Stefanmuller said:
@OP may I ask how you landed a job, and in what industry? And did you get a firm offer and on which terms (from a starting date point of view)?

Reason I ask is that the wife and I are currently looking to emigrate to Canada going the Permanent Residency route. Also been applying for over 100 jobs and no luck. They seem to not even look at job applications from foreigners without PR status.

Anyway, the decision should be between your wife and yourself, not her parents.
Click to expand...
I think it's a serious question that you are posing about the job offer. I I know wives tend to have the sixth sense about it and sometimes have tendencies to over look things or think 1100 times before they can commit to something.
1) Is she maybe supporting them in any way that you maybe not aware of?
2) Is the job offer permanent that she known when you are moving, you guys will be settled there?
3) She might not really be supporting the idea, such she riddled with when she conveyed the news to him, hence the rejection.
4) The elephant in the room would be, if things go south here of there, would you have the confidence that your relationship would survive and not throw the blame card everytime either of you speak....???
 
If you don't go to Canada you will always resent her for blocking your opportunity for a better life. So if she won't go with you, leave her. If she doesn't support your decision the marriage is doomed anyway. Things obviously are not going to get better in South Africa.

It's clear that her daddy changed her mind. Didn't he hand her over to you when he walked her down the aisle. She is supposed to support you first now.
 
OP, sounds as if you made the decision to emigrate without actually discussing it with your wife.

Apart from anything else her dad should be happy for her that there's an opportunity for a better life.
 
forumite said:
Yea she obviously knew I've been applying etc.
Though we both didn't think any of it until an interview came about, and then an offer.

That's when we decided to tell the in-laws. She didn't go to him, she phoned to tell him the news.
She's been neutral all along purely because she didn't think about it been a possibility. I on the other hand have done much more research etc. and know it's what i want. Don't think she has thought through it all. We're not really arguing about it. I still think she's neutral towards the decision but the pos is feeding her negative reasons.

I do not need any support. I just said phone and tell them that I've got an offer.
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Out of curiosity does she work? Does she have a job lined up in Canada as well? If not, what's she supposed to be doing while you're stating your new career? You said you don't have kids so will she be sitting at home all day alone with no friends or family?

Have you really given much thought to anyone other than yourself?
 
If she listens to her father over you, time for a new wife - if she's just scared of him, time for you to grow some balls.
 
GreGorGy said:
Are you and the wife equal partners?
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Yes i believe we are.
Hence my comment to someone above,
"Also, is it fair to say we need to have a "serious chat" if "she doesn't" as per your advice?
I'm trying to see why would I feel the need to be entitled. We're married and shouldn't I respect her decision in not wanting to go?
Obviously I will talk to her but just not sure about "having a serious chat" just for choosing differently."

What I'm trying to say, is if she feels totally against it, I will respect her decision, find out the reasons and then evaluate the whole move altogether.

But it's not the point, she has indicated her willingness to move, the point of the thread was the FIL having a go at our decision.
 
Friends immigrated parents weren't happy parents got over it -> 2 years later all good...
 
If you didn't discuss her feelings about moving over seas before actually applying and getting the job, it might be quite a shock for her to all of a sudden have to consider emigrating to another country? Maybe she hasn't given it as much thought as you have given it? Have you had this chat with her before you sprung it on her that you got a job. Like someone earlier said, applying for a job and getting a job are two very different things!

My fiance and I spoke about going over seas plenty and we are both on board, if either of us gets a job in another country, the other will happily pack up and go.
 
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